To make DS eat xmas dinner?

[Brmmbrmmm]

My DS is a fussy eater, he will eat a roast dinner once a week at home but it is very limited, meat, mash and 1 veg.
We have xmas dinner at a family members house each year and he always complains he doesnt want it and eats very little, I have never forced him but I always encourage him to eat it as it's one of the most healthiest meals I can actually get him to eat and I've always thought along the lines if I tell him he doesnt have to eat xmas dinner he will start refusing the normal roasts I do etc.

But I've thought to myself at the end of the day xmas food is one of the things you look forward to most on the day isn't it? IABU for wanting him to eat something he doesnt massively enjoy surely. I should let him choose what he wants to eat for one day?

What do others do if they have similar children? Everyone else in my household loves a roast and he doesn't complain when its just a normal roast!

Gosh, all this pandering .

I’m with Cory - just eat what what you can and say a polite no thank you to unwanted bits. I agree there is no need to police what someone is eating/not eating on Christmas Day.

I know dsis was seething when she was cooking for a large crowd one Xmas and one guest brought their own food - not a microwaveable meal, but they proceeded to start stir-frying etc when dsis was juggling 100 saucepans on the hob. Dsis was steaming as much as the pudding!

@PigletJohn

"Make?"

No

But lock up the sweets and biscuits before and after meals.

Why would you punish someone for not liking certain foods?

I'd not think too much about the eating bit of this, and think more about the politeness bit (he doesn't have to eat anything he doesn't want to eat - but he needs to be polite about it and not say "urgghhh, I hate that" to his hosts).

It would be easier to advise if we knew your DS's age.

My son is really really fussy, on xmas day I let him choose what he wants for his dinner (usually pizza) i would never force him to eat something he didnt like

Everyone else in my household loves a roast and he doesn't complain when its just a normal roast!

As a child we rarely ate anywhere but home but rare occasions we had a roast dinner at one DGP or out it often tasted very different - different gravy, different meat textures - could this be why he complains? My own children like my scrambled eggs and their own but dislike eiether DGP versions - 4 different people's and I couldn't see or taste any difference.

Could you talk to the family member see if serving dishes could be used so everyone helps themsleves - found that can help. I wouldn't force feed or insist everything is eaten though if they tried filling up later on junk I'd be gently discouraging.

I'd have a word about the moaning and appropriate behavior at someone else's house in an age appropriate way.

I would also on day be politely discouraging comments from family about what he does of doesn't eat as well.

How old is he? I would sort out the complaining rather than worry about what he ate.
My teen kids love roasts but they never eat as much of their Xmas dinner compared to a normal roast because they've been grazing on crap and were too hyper.
I would allow him to eat just a bit (even if it's just some pigs in blankets) but I think complaining about a meal that's taken hours to cook is outrageous- especially if he gets gifts from these family members.

If he’s a guest in someone else’s house I’d expect him to make a good effort at eating a reasonable amount without rudeness - I’d expect that of my boys . I do get though that a superficially identical meal cooked by a stranger can be very different .

Have you asked him what he would like to have for Christmas dinner, given that you won't be at home? He might want to take some sandwiches or a flask of Heinz soup. Would it really be that hard to arrange?

Does depend to some extent how old he is, and such but I agree with a previous poster: use the words, 'here, just eat what you want.'

Left alone about eating for the most part, and regularly presented with a reasonably healthy range of foods, most NT kids will self-manage a decent balanced, appropriately portioned quantity of food over the course of a space of time. They're not actually inclined to starve themselves, and most - if not forced into a battle of wills as toddlers and young children - are relatively open to eating a fair old range of things. Particularly if the times they do say no are respected without it being a drama.

It all seems to go wrong when they're made to eat things they don't want that day and forced to finish plates at every meal, usually with a dose of emotional blackmail with it

Please dont "make" DS eat his Xmas meal! I was forced to eat School Dinner as a child and was sick afterwards. Surely letting have a little Turkey, and maybe some pigs in blanket and say carrots is fine.I doubt he will go off his normal Roast Dinners anyway .its probably due to excitement, and seeing his relatives that he has little appetite at Christmas Lunch .He will probably eat sandwiches /Trifle for Supper anyway .Its supposed to be a happy day you know!

Maybe it isnt the food at all? Could he be a bit shy/anxious or uncomfortable eating at the family members house?
Is it quite a formal setting?

I think this is probably one of those pick your battle moments.

Just how important is it to YOU that he eats the given Christmas meal whether HE wants it or not?

For what it's worth, I'm 50 and I have never liked roast dinners be they normal or Christmas style but endured eating them for years because of feeling under pressure to do so.

For the first time in my life last year, I didn't let myself be pushed into pushing something I didn't want to eat around my plate. I cooked full on Christmas dinner for those that wanted it but I had baked Camembert with salad, it was the best Christmas meal I've ever had and I will be doing the same this year.

Everyone is different and food shouldn't be made into a battle just because it's what everyone else enjoys and is happy to eat.

Sorry for the late reply, he is just newly turned 13.
He is NT but some of his fussiness is definitely sensory based, things will smell horrible to him, certain textures repulse him and I am sympathetic to this and never serve him what I know he won't eat.
I don't force him in any way at all to eat, but if I've served something I know he eats and he takes 2 bites and says he's done then I will encourage him by saying think in a couple of hours when you're hungry you'll wish you'd ate it etc and that's normally enough to make him think twice and eat.

With regards to my relatives xmas dinner, we have regularly had dinner at their house for years and my DS is more fussy because relative has always tried to override the rules I make. Relative will say oh I've made spag bol and my DS will say I dont like that, but he does and will eat it made by relative. But relative will then say oh I can make this or that instead and I just think my DS has picked up on that over the years and thinks if he makes enough fuss he'll get what he wants.
Everybody knows he is fussy and I'm sure he feels in the spotlight when we all sit down to eat so I'm sure that doesnt help.

I know it's not the best part of the day for everybody but it's nice to sit down and enjoy a meal you love on xmas day so part of me feels bad that he is eating something that he doesn't love. He will spend the rest of the day eating whatever treats he likes and then for the evening xmas meal he is catered for as we always buy specific nibbles he likes such as mini pizza, nuggets etc as he doesnt like the cold meat/sausage rolls/pork pie and salad the rest of us have.

I would never ask him to eat it if he truly hated it.

How old is he?

If he’s still of a age where these things are of supreme importance, I’d suggest keeping a couple of presents back until after dinner, which he can have if he eats a reasonable amount - not necessarily of everything - without complaining or making yuck faces.

Otherwise he doesn’t get them till Boxing Day. And if he kicks off about that, the day after.

I dare say this will be seen be some on here as gross cruelty, but IMO fussy-eater kids are often far too much indulged.

And I do agree with the mash on a roast isn't standard 🤣🤣 he doesn't like roasties so I've had to adapt and always do mash when I make a roast.

Well if u think he's playing on the fact your relative is v kind and generous to do anything to please him u need to sit down and have a chat with him. There is nothing wrong with a roast dinner, u know he eats it and from what u described he's not being very kind to your relative by making her feel she's forcing him to eat something he hates when he doesn't.

He is 13. He's old enough for that discussion

13? And this is food he generally will eat except if he says to the relative he won’t eat it he gets something else?

No I wouldn’t stand for that. It’s one thing to deliberately give a child things he can’t or won’t eat, my DS doesn’t like anything spicy so I just don’t cook it when he’s at home and I wouldn’t make him go to a family member’s for a curry, but it’s quite another thing to indulge the fact that the child just doesn’t feel he wants that particular meal even though he will eat the same at any other time.

And I agree, fussy eaters are too indulged, and I speak as someone who was one as a child. Interestingly recently there was a thread on here by an OP who said their DH was fussy, and numerous posters said they wouldn’t stand for that, if the DH didn’t like what he was given then he should do the cooking himself. So why does that narrative change because it’s a teenager?

With little kids you do to a large extent have to pick your battles, but at thirteen he would be told that this is the meal on offer and if he wants to eat then he can eat the parts of that meal he will eat or go without, and to learn some bloody manners.

I'm sitting here feeling quite sorry for your DS. As somebody with Coeliac disease and a delicate digestion I find eating at most people's houses a nightmare, unless it's someone who doesn't make a big fuss or puts things out for you to help yourself.

It's great that you look forward to it, but he may well be dreading it. We don't all like the same things in life, and surely you want him to look forward to Christmas Day? This year more than ever?

I would't do a whole different meal, but surely a little tweak could be managed. If he eats chicken rather than turkey (and we hate turkey in this house), can't you just buy a cooked chicken breast from the supermarket and take it with you? Then he can have whatever from the accompaniments. Obviously have a word with your hosts in advance to explain the situation.

Nobody should make a fuss, and make clear that includes him. Have a calm talk with him in the near future and put his mind at rest.

I hope you all have a lovely Christmas Day! 🎄

I think some compromise is ok e.g. if he prefers mash then I wouldn’t have an issue with that, after all you’re making potatoes anyway and mash is nice with gravy.

My nephew doesn’t eat potatoes at all, not even chips, so when they have roast he just doesn’t have any. But he will eat loads of veg so it’s not an issue.

I can’t abide Brussels sprouts or parsnips so I won’t eat them, and I don’t cook them at home.

But that is altering a meal not providing a whole new one.

I'd speak to him before hand about it and say that you'd really like it if he could be grown up about it and eat the things he normally does without complaint.

Please don't make an even bigger issue of it by doing this OP! Are you sure it's not 'occasion anxiety' that's putting your DS off eating on Christmas Day? I was 'food bullied' by my mother when I was a child which resulted in refusal to eat any kind of 'special' food at parties etc. because there was too much pressure to eat.

Still feel the panic rising when I see a bag of Iced Gems or someone suggests trifle for pudding...

But I've thought to myself at the end of the day xmas food is one of the things you look forward to most on the day isn't it? IABU for wanting him to eat something he doesnt massively enjoy surely. I should let him choose what he wants to eat for one day?

No, Xmas dinner is generally not one of the things most kids look forward to, apart from perhaps the afters.

It's not a popular view nowadays but I'd tell him to eat a bit of turkey and mash and then he can eat what he wants after that. He certainly won't starve, will he?

@knittingaddict

I might say to your ds that he can eat what he would normally eat, but not to make a fuss on the day. I would have that discussion before you go and set expectations ahead of time.

Absolutely agree with this. Its about manners. He can eat what he likes but absolutely no whinging or complaints.

Hes 13 ! 😳😳😳

I remember when Dh tried to make fussy Ds1 eat a roast potato one Christmas. It's not worth the aggro....

Relative will say oh I've made spag bol and my DS will say I dont like that, but he does and will eat it made by relative. But relative will then say oh I can make this or that instead and I just think my DS has picked up on that over the years and thinks if he makes enough fuss he'll get what he wants.

I've had that when we were having a prolonged stop at relatives house . In end they ended up cooking two meal every night one for kids one for adults - I was only allowed to do breakfast despite many offers from me and DH to cook - but they fed the kids proccessed junk many meals with no veg as they'd had the slightest suggestion one of them might not like it.

I was left desperately trying to get fruit, salad and veg into breakfast as the weeks dragged on. They were doing us a massive favour so it was impossible to deal with as they were trying to be good to the kids. However when we were finally back in our own house there was a massive uptick in fussyness from all of them for months.

Maybe having a word before hand about manners and seeing if there is something he'd prefer instead that wasn't too much trouble for relative to do or you could take pre-done is way forward.