To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

OP have you allowed your children to see DH’s parents in all this?

Oh and as for the gaslighting...

Ask yourself. If someone at work came in showing his wife's texts to his mother to all and sundry, jumping up and down saying 'Look at this! Look what a bitch my wife is to my mum!' how do you think you'd react?

a. feel pretty awkward, give plainly weirdo workmate a slight side eye and start to feel ever so slightly sorry for his wife,

b. jump in and go 'Oh gawd mate yeah! Your wife is a BITCH!...' etc.

Fact: No, 'all his workmates' are far more likely to have gone 'errr...yeah mate' IF he was enough of a spanner to air his dirty laundry all over the workplace, so yep I'd say 95% chance lying and gaslighting like a fucker to try and make his wife believe that this is why everyone hates you - jesus, this man is a nasty, nasty PRICK.

@AlternativePerspective

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship. I suspect that it’s possible some of her anxieties have stemmed from that fact.

OP if you’re getting out the bleach you might find it a good start to sanitise the dh out of the way first.

This is hilarious! Where tf did that come from? 😂

“Don’t deliver bad news to my family in a rude, cold and bitchy way”= abusive?!?!

Clearly the bleach fumes are getting to you!

Some people just cannot abide an assertive woman. That text was fine. Your DH is a dickhead. Agree with pp that some people will ALWAYS take offence at not getting their own way.
I wish you well OP.

@ZebraStripez

Do you work op? Does your DH go out to work? He does. It’s an unavoidable risk. I gave up my opportunity to work during the first lockdown, because nurseries were closed so I stayed home with preschool DC in order to facilitate DH being able to work full time with no interruptions. I haven’t returned to work because it’s safer for all of us to not have DC in childcare right now, and my mum is housebound due to Covid so needs my company. I’m hoping next year we’ll all get vaccinated, elderly clubs will reopen, mum will be allowed to see her friends, DC can safely go to nursery and I’ll be able to return to work. I’ve made huge sacrifices this year - I don’t want to be sitting at home looking after people but here we are. It seems stupid to waste that sacrifice for one day at Christmas.

What sacrifices have you made?!

You dont work. You get to see your mum.

Your dh goes out to work and pays for you all and cant see his family because you and your mum can leave the house but won't.

I suspect that there is a backstory here. This didn't just kick of now.

If there is a backstory you should have got your husband to send the message so in that sense I think that you were unreasonable.

It’s also unfair to your children to be keeping them locked up and out if contact with their peers.

I mean that we talk things through and respect each other’s concerns. Plus I have long Covid so the reason for my concerns would be obvious. And my DM is 81 and vulnerable, being prone to bronchitis, and his DM is 80 and doesn’t want to take the risk herself.

So this isn’t a scenario that I’m likely to encounter. I can imagine being very frustrated if my DH refused to listen to me the way the OP’s DH is doing.

You may have been unreasonable, there's a big difference between 'fuck off, you can't come and you are selfish cunts to even consider it' and 'we are sorry but we can't invite you in Xmas day because my mum is high risk and I also have risk factors, shall we do our Xmas day in January when we have had the vaccines. I hope you understand, it's a shame but this year is awful and we want to be careful.'

If your MIL blocked you based on one text she is bonkers and had major issues before you ever wrote the text.

DH should sort this out but sounds like he isn’t going to. Showing your text to work colleagues feels like bullying you.

I’m sorry that all this is happening 😭 there isn’t an easy solution but yanbu. Any chance you can move into your mums, leave dh to do what be likes then come back 14 days after the last guest left?

If he goes to see them he won’t social distance, I don’t know anyone who does that at meetups and I have asked so many times.

The biggest problem is the relationship with DH, that is the priority to sort out, not the inlaws. It is true that it’s not fair he hasn’t seen his mum since March and yours has had free access to you. The solution isn’t some big meetup though.

OP I wasn’t aware you had children. Have their other set of grandparents been able to see them at all over the last few months? Because it sounds like you’ve basically decided that as long as they have a relationship with your mother, you couldn’t care about their side of the family.

It sounds like months of resentment built up on you making zero effort with his family. Your rude attitude won’t have helped, and your irrational filtering of risk is not “facts are facts”.

You gave up youre job and taken youre child out of childcare and now youre dh is shouldering the financial hit and cant even see his family. I suspect there's many issues and this has just whats tipped him over the edge

@Newuser991 some of us have been shielding since March so yes, not been out (except in my car or to the doctors)

DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”

Then they should be be ecstatic they won’t be seeing you, why are they kicking up such a fuss? Now that your ‘D’H has told you how they feel about you, you don’t have to see them ever again if you don’t want to.

He deliberately went behind your back making plans he knew you won’t be happy with. Let them get on with it.

@TheFuckingDogs

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy

It does sound a bit short. Why don’t you know if your husband is planning a visit by himself, surely you could have clarified that before sending the text.

I don’t blame you for wanting to be very cautious though. It’s a personal decision and for every person that tells you you’ve made the right decision, someone else will berate you.

Hopefully you’ll be able to sort things. Is there any reason your MIL has gone ott with her reaction.

The "nobody likes you" comment is WELL out of order, though.

Tw*t!

You certainly could’ve worded it better, there's definite lack of social grace.
I’ve no issue with you wanting to not see them, seems sensible-but you were rather too blunt so I can understand the upset.
Next time take the time to compose a warmer message-but is possible to be firm and clear but also friendly. Yours is rather unfriendly.

Handsoffstrikeagain - has it spot on! Your husband would like to see his family!

Huge drama over absolutely nothing.

I sympathise OP. My DH has family like this. I don't spend time around them as I find it all too exhausting. Who needs it?

People have to put their personal feelings and wants aside to help the bigger picture. Your MIL should have read the message and thought, "what a shame, would have loved to see everyone but I understand her position." Instead she's gone "How rude, it's not fair." And thrown her toys out of the pram. Some people just can't be reasoned with.
However, OP does have issues of her own to deal with. I don't think these directly relate to the problem with her DH and MIL, but are probably exacerbated by having a vulnerable mum and risks of her own.

[quote QueenPaws]@Newuser991 some of us have been shielding since March so yes, not been out (except in my car or to the doctors)[/quote]
I get that but my question was directed at the OP not you.

You might not be able to leave the house...the OP has apparently decide she can't

OP have there been other times this year that DH's family have wanted to see DH and the DC and haven't been able to? Were there any compromises made then, eg. Outside at a distance, video calls? If so, were any compromises suggested for xmas?

You've kept very young DC indoors since March? Are they seeing you bleaching the groceries, and opening post in rubber gloves?

Sounds like you're at a real risk of gamding down some seriously unhealthy behaviout down to your kids?

You also seem to think your Mother is more important to you, than your DHs mother should be to him.

If I was your husband, I'd be out of there and I'd take the kids with me, the poor things. You need help.