To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

It isn’t one text message though is it. There’s clearly far more history here oh yes, forgive me, of course there is.

There’s the family saying they’re just going to drop in whether that’s convenient or not.

There’s the DH telling the OP that his work colleagues all think she’s nasty and that no-one likes her.

Compared to all that one text message is small stuff.

In my Opinion the OP is abusive too. She is controlling who her husband Can and can't see nd if it has been this way since the end of March I can see why he is at the end of his tether.
You sound like a complete nightmare to live with to be honest. You are taking it too far. Bleaching groceries ffs.

Tbh hes asked people independently their option its no different to what ops done on here.

Do you work op? Does your DH go out to work?
He does. It’s an unavoidable risk. I gave up my opportunity to work during the first lockdown, because nurseries were closed so I stayed home with preschool DC in order to facilitate DH being able to work full time with no interruptions. I haven’t returned to work because it’s safer for all of us to not have DC in childcare right now, and my mum is housebound due to Covid so needs my company. I’m hoping next year we’ll all get vaccinated, elderly clubs will reopen, mum will be allowed to see her friends, DC can safely go to nursery and I’ll be able to return to work. I’ve made huge sacrifices this year - I don’t want to be sitting at home looking after people but here we are. It seems stupid to waste that sacrifice for one day at Christmas.

Your husband is an ass! He could have nipped this in the bud from the off. YANBU.

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

He's getting really spiteful now.

However, the text didn't need to be 'apologetic', it could have been kinder, friendlier, regretful... etc etc

You appear to be one of those 'I call a spade a spade' people. You don't have to be

Sorry because he disagrees and thinks her behaviour is unfair doesnt make him.abusive in the slightest. gaslighting her into thinking he’s showed her text to all his colleagues so they can confirm how nasty she is, telling her that this is why no-one likes her is abusive though.

If you don't do 'pandering' to others, I am sure you do not mind when others don't do 'pandering' in return, do you?

Blunt, cold, rude, lacking in empathy and totally innapropriate, sorry OP.

If my partner sent that text to my parents I would be out the door permanently. No way would I let them get spoken to like that. It’s not about the substance, it’s about having some basic recognition of the fact that of course they want to see people and Christmas will be difficult for them. You’ve made it abundantly clear that they’re not your family and tbh I think that text is about one level more kind than “piss off”.

I think the politest way, you seem to take pride in being rude to them. “You tell it like it is” etc. well that’s not going to work out very well for you. It’s totally fine to say you can’t do Christmas with them, but maybe try not to seem like you’re enjoying it?

The fact that you’re trying to frame them seeing their son in any way as “trying to kill your mother” is mental. If you had any interest in basic relationships in the family you would be fine to organise an outdoor socially distanced meet up with his family. You say he’s still going to work, but this is not acceptable—come on , it’s a pretty clear “fuck off” to his family.

I can see why he’s furious with you, this message really shouldn’t have been texted anyway it should have been said over the phone, where tone could have been made clear (obviously not by you, your tone wouldn’t improve things).

Your message wasn’t remotely rude or ‘snippy’! 🙄

It was perfectly straightforward.

Some people take offence if they can’t get their own way.

They are the rude ones if they don’t agree with the need to protect your vulnerable mother. Wankers.
Your husband is a prat.

Again trying to be helpful, if you think 'facts are facts and everyone should agree' then you might want to be reasonably certain about those facts and consider whether viewing things through a filter of anxiety might risk some of what you think are facts to be mistaken.

Otherwise a world view of 'I'm anxious. I'm right. I'll call a spade a spade and everyone should agree and thank me for it but no one should be blunt back or not be willing to take it anymore' might risk negative consequences, that is unless you think your life would be improved with no DP if he ever reaches the point of having had enough (which based on his reaction might be a possibility) or decides to prioritise his DM like you are yours.

Good luck.

AlternativePerspective we risk assess dialy the whole point is shes 80 the average age is 81. She going to spend the best part of a year behind doors. You can't spent your life in a bubble.

You needed to play the game.
A bit of how awful covid is, how you're looking forward to restrictions lifting, a little about how worried you are about your poor mum and a bit about plans for next year and ending with some of that keep safe bollocks.

It's all meaningless of course. Like when an acquaintance asks how you are. They don't care, you don't want to tell them so you say fine thanks, you? They say fine thanks and you go your separate ways having both ticked the socially expected interaction box.

There are hugely complicated and largely ridiculous unwritten social rules. You just need to learn and perform them. For an easy life tbh.

I would prefer things your way. Straightforward, no fake shit. But it's social death!

I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”

I think this last sentence sounds very brusque (don't forget - wit anything typed there is no intonation or facial expression to soften a message). You could have said "We both miss you all, and I think that DH would love to have a socially distance visit that can be managed, but unfortunately Mum and I just daren't! We are so looking forward to meeting up with you again as soon as we are all safe. Mentime - have a lovely Christmas, raise a glass to us, and we will to you. We'll be thinking about you"

But no - you aren't being U to not want to take unnecessary risks when you are so vulnerable.

@AlternativePerspective

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship. I suspect that it’s possible some of her anxieties have stemmed from that fact.

OP if you’re getting out the bleach you might find it a good start to sanitise the dh out of the way first.

Perhaps you should change your name to Devil's Advocate?

I'm seeing spite but not abuse here.

@thepeopleversuswork

* Does your DH approve all the communication you have with his family?*

No, that’s not what I meant. I do sometimes talk to his SIL without consulting my DH. And I chat with our DNs on Facebook. I meant that if I were to send that particular text, saying no to seeing his family at Christmas, he wouldn’t be happy because that was up to him to do.

OTOH, I don’t know how I would act in the scenario described by the OP, because my DH would respect my concerns about Covid and would say no himself to his family.

In my Opinion the OP is abusive too. She is controlling who her husband Can and can't see nd if it has been this way since the end of March I can see why he is at the end of his tether. no she isn’t. She’s saying that if he sees them it will have to be on his own, but that she isn’t going to be seeing them. Dropping in uninvited over Christmas has never been a part of the rules anyway.

OP, are there other examples of his gaslighting like this? Is this the first time he’s told you other people don’t like you for instance?

@AlternativePerspective

Sorry because he disagrees and thinks her behaviour is unfair doesnt make him.abusive in the slightest. gaslighting her into thinking he’s showed her text to all his colleagues so they can confirm how nasty she is, telling her that this is why no-one likes her is abusive though.

It’s really not. Using “gaslighting” to refer to one conversation is also just a total misuse of the word. To decide that is abusive is BS.

Also if I showed this to colleagues and said my mother was upset by it, so was i, what do you think about it? I think all would agree with me. It wouldn’t be a terribly scientific sample!

Oh, and -

The Op sounds very difficult to live with with this extreme behaviour.

NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T.

What OP hasn't done is tiptoe around and pander pander pander to a frankly unpleasant sounding man. And has actually stuck to her line, and after REPEATED warnings, done what usually everyone on a thread urges an OP stuck like this to do and taken charge herself in making clear to other people what she's ok with happening.

Every single element of this - she hasn't done a thing wrong.

Told her DH to sort it and talk to his relatives first - nope, he was hoping to stall and bulldoze her.

Made CLEAR what she was ok with - he didn't want to listen.

Has absolutely fair and ok reasons for wanting that - no she doesn't hate his mum, yes she has EVERY RIGHT and even a duty to look after her mum once they'd agreed to bubble, and stick to it. The DH? Couldn't give a shit about her mum,but she's not allowed to even speak plainly to his... riiiiight.

Been polite in a text. Not fluffy and hesitating and unclear, mind you. Apparently that would have been better... riiiiight x 2

Been clear that she wasn't stopping her DH doing what he felt was right for HIS family. Oh but apparently once again this should have been handled with triple kid gloves and turning herself inside fucking out not to make it clear that actually, once again he's REFUSED to engage about the whole thing. Ooops! Can't possibly have the menz being shown up to be arseholes, can we? Wifey fail!!!

Meanwhile, let's look at the DH behaviour.

-Has ignored OP asking to sort this.
-Goes ballistic at the ENTIRELY FACTUAL text

• Was fully intending to try and bulldoze OP and override her mum's needs despite being happy to be in the bubble.
• Slates OP to his work friends

-Is abusive, aggressive and insulting to OP.

He's a fucking dick and OP deserves better.

OP, has your DH seen his family in the last 9 months? How does he feel about your self-imposed house bound situation? Are you WFH?

So you have dc who do doubt you're inlaws will want to see but you won't allow them because you will be taking them to youre mams. What would you have done if you're dc were primary school age.

@ZebraStripez

Sorry OP but do you have health problems or health anxiety? Both.

you think little for their feelings or perspectives
I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. The facts are the facts: they should logically agree that it’s more sensible to stay safe.

Social skills cost nothing
I don’t really have those. Social interaction is a mystery to me. I’ve long suspected I may be on the autism spectrum but I don’t know for sure.

Being polite and kind isn't 'pandering'

It's not nasty at all! Maybe if they are very touchy people, it might have been slightly more tactful to include a sentence on the lines of: 'i am really sorry about this and would love to see you as soon as it's possible'. But there was nothing in it to justify a tantrum on their part. Is there some existing problem in their relationship with you, or are they jealous of your relationship with your own mother?

@ZebraStripez

Just see your mum on Christmas day, see his family boxing day and then isolate for 2 weeks before you see your mum again. I don’t think it’s fair for an elderly lady to have to be alone for two weeks just so I can have a chat with my inlaws. If DH wants to visit them he can.

Your DH should've dealt with this before there was any need to send a message yourself
That’s why I was annoyed. He’s known for months that I’ve hardly left the house. I’ve been bleaching the groceries and picking up the post with rubber gloves. Yet his family still think they’re going to be popping in.

Seriously, it sounds worse than health anxiety.

You cannot continue to live like this. Does your DH struggle with all those precautions?