To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@AllsortsofAwkward

You gave up youre job and taken youre child out of childcare and now youre dh is shouldering the financial hit and cant even see his family. I suspect there's many issues and this has just whats tipped him over the edge

Yep

Actually, the thing that would bother me the most here is not the specific row, which might reflect everyone's stress over the nightmare of 2020, and is probably possible to resolve. It is your dh's showing your text to all his colleagues and using their alleged agreement with him (probably they just didn't choose to get involved in an argument, and he took this as agreement!) to pressurize you into following his wishes. Even if you had been rude, this would be very U of him. Does he do this sort of thing regularly?

@Worried234

You've kept very young DC indoors since March? Are they seeing you bleaching the groceries, and opening post in rubber gloves?

Sounds like you're at a real risk of gamding down some seriously unhealthy behaviout down to your kids?

You also seem to think your Mother is more important to you, than your DHs mother should be to him.

If I was your husband, I'd be out of there and I'd take the kids with me, the poor things. You need help.

*handing

Your decision about what makes you feel safe is up to you. It helps when you're on the same page as your family with it, when you're not there's a risk of upsetting people along the way. I think your text was absolutely fine, you were stating the facts as you saw them and wanted to make your opinion clear to everyone else. It's only a single text, if this was reason for the family to stop speaking to you I'd have to assume that there are bigger issues between you all or your mother in law is particularly sensitive.
I don't understand why everyone is making this Christmas so hard on each other. Very few people are going to get the Christmas they want this year and everyone needs to make compromises to try and make something work. Hopefully you, your husband and your mother in law both realise this too and can come to some kind of solution.

@Prokupatuscrakedatus

If you don't do 'pandering' to others, I am sure you do not mind when others don't do 'pandering' in return, do you?

Exactly. MIL is clearly done. I don't think you have to worry about spending Christmas with them.

You should try to get a grip on your health anxiety though.

There's two separate points here aren't there?

There's the OP's health anxiety which I agree is a fairly big factor and arguably the DH may be struggling with it. The OP does seem fairly anxious but there's nothing irrational about wanting to protect an 80 year old woman from COVID.

But by far the most important point is the DH, the DH's family and their total lack of respect for her. Their failure to take seriously her health concerns, their attempt to railroad her on her Christmas plans. And above all the DH and his abusive behaviour. Regardless of the ins and outs of the Christmas plans, its just never OK for one spouse to tell another one "no one likes you". I can't see how people can get past this...

PS. there's nothing at all wrong with your message. You've taken the time and trouble to explain your reasons. These are difficult circumstances for everyone and those reasons make sense. There's a LOT wrong with your husband's observation that 'nobody likes you'.

My own feeling on this is that as long as those closest to me like and love me I don't require anyone else's approval. But I do expect my chosen life partner will have my back.

families at Christmas eh. this sort of thing will be going on A LOT this year.

This is like my PILs. I have a bad allergies to everything including animals, dogs cats.. yet they don’t care and saying I’m hypochondriac.
When we visit they got all animals in the house ( 3 dogs and cats) sitting in the living room.
FIL is like a king, all dogs surround him, licking him.
I always get so ill while we there. Have to always fill myself with oral steroids to survive.
When I say I got allergies, they laugh and say it’s ok.

@Worried234 I agree. This is not in the best interests of the DCs.

I’ll just say again, please get help @ZebraStripez.

It can be overcome.

You need to post the text you sent. Sounds as if you are putting yourself and your own family first. And who cares about anybody else. That's probably what she means.

Your message was blunt and you know it was. You also know it was important which is why you spent time composing it.

If I went around telling people what I think all the time I’d have no friends and be thoroughly unsuccessful at work.

You have two options a short text to the group saying “Sorry I didn’t mean to sound so blunt, I’m worried about my mum and Christmas plans are making me anxious. DH is looking forward to seeing you, as I am when the situation improves xx”

Or you double down and retain the “I was just being honest” mentality but you’ll damage the relationship with them and your DH permanently

How on earth do you bleach the groceries? Don't they taste of bleach afterwards?

“Don’t deliver bad news to my family in a rude, cold and bitchy way”= abusive?!?! try re-wording that to “I’ve shown your message to all my colleagues and they think you’re nasty, and nobody likes you.” Not quite the same is it?

If DH can go to work and visit his family and come home to you and your mum, isn't that the same level of risk as you going on a socially distanced visit with them?

You do sound very anxious. Have your children left the house since March? Do you allow your in-laws to see them?

It's not good enough for you to not care enough about "pandering" by simply being polite when it seems you have controlled your family's movements since March without any reference to your DH's wishes. Could your DH and MIL be tired of pandering to your health anxiety?

They all sound like arseholes
Though I read you’re not working at the moment and have kids home I appreciate you have made your decisions but does sound like you’re on the extreme end of cautious - maybe your husband is finding being sole earned difficult? Maybe he feels like you’re putting your lives on hold putting your mum above everyone and everything else. You say she’s in your bubble how often do you see her?

People need to re-read the OP. Nowhere is she preventing the DH from seeing his family

To anybody who is saying that the husband's behaviour is not abusive in this instance: Do you think it's ever ok to try to convince your partner that nobody likes them and that everybody says they're nasty?

Regardless of the issue, these 2 things are abusive. If a person has an issue with their partner, why would they need to bolster their opinion with what 'everybody' thinks, or how 'everybody' agrees with them? The only reason someone would do this is to make their own ego into an army, so that their partner feels like a mouse; that's the kernel of all abuse patterns.

But the husband is an abusive cunt irrespective of the OP’s other issues.

nothing justifies telling someone you’ve shown their message to your colleagues to get them to agree how nasty they are.

nothing justifies telling your partner that nobody likes them.

The OP likely does need some support, but none of that excuses the dh’s behaviour.

And these questions like - ‘have you stopped the DC seeing the GPS since March’...depending on their tier then they’ve legally not been allowed to meet anyway

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

What an arsehole your DH sounds like, @ZebraStripez!!

I think your text was OK - you could have added a bit more faux-apology to it, but I suspect that wouldn't have made much difference to the response from your in-laws. It sounds like both they and your DH want to do what THEY want, and don't like being told No.

@AlternativePerspective

But the husband is an abusive cunt irrespective of the OP’s other issues.

nothing justifies telling someone you’ve shown their message to your colleagues to get them to agree how nasty they are.

nothing justifies telling your partner that nobody likes them.

The OP likely does need some support, but none of that excuses the dh’s behaviour.

The husband said one men’s thing in a fight. Have a bit of perspective.

You sound pretty cold and rude.

Your views on the worlds most expensive cough virus sorry coronavirus and how you deal with it are completely up to you however if you’re trying to force it on your husband and his family to not enjoy a normal Christmas then yes YABU.

I think your message is fine. If they don't like it then really that's their problem. Your dp sounds like an arse though.