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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have sent this text?

787 replies

ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 09:03

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 27/11/2020 10:12

@AllsortsofAwkward it’s a personal choice.
Just because someone is elderly so might die soon anyway doesn’t mean we should deliberately bring risks into the situation to hasten the process.

Also it’s not all about dying. people are putting far too much emphasis on that. It’s about developing long-term complications which may be life altering. I developed such long term complications after the flu four years ago, now I have serious heart conditions and my future will ultimately be a heart transplant.

I am considered high risk, but if I catch COVID I’m actually not afraid of dying, been there, done that when I had a cardiac arrest last year. My concern is more that any lung damage I might end up with will mean that I become ineligible for a heart transplant, and a heart transplant is my only way forward. Fortunately I am currently healthy enough that I’m not yet on the list, but one day I might be. I’m damned if I’m going to risk the way I am now for some visitors.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 27/11/2020 10:12

@AlternativePerspective

And really what kind of adult blocks someone off the back of one text message? Like mother like son, eh?
Exactly!
Happychristmashohoho · 27/11/2020 10:13

This is the sort of text I send too, to the point with no flowery language, it’s interesting to see how something not rude is construed by others... maybe I need to look at the ones I send!

inappropriateraspberry · 27/11/2020 10:16

I prefer texts like this. No flannel, just state the facts and get on with it! It may be a bit blunt but it's not rude. There was nothing to imply any nastiness to the MIL or her family. She just saying it's up to her husband to decide if he's going to visit, but she's staying home to be safe. Why should she apologise for this?

ShirleyPhallus · 27/11/2020 10:16

@Zilla1

It sounds cold which you seem to accept or be proud of. Given you've prioritised your DM, you might want to think whether some sensitivity or warmth to your ILs might have been appropriate. I expect if your DH had bubbled with his DM and had sent such a text to your DM, you might not have been quite so proud of him not apologising for staying safe. There's nothing wrong with a little empathy.
Totally agree with this. Your DH is being harsh now but if you’re often blunt to the point of being rude and he hasn’t seen his own family since March because of you then I think you could have handled it much better.
Original poster
ZebraStripez · 27/11/2020 10:16

Sorry OP but do you have health problems or health anxiety?
Both.

you think little for their feelings or perspectives
I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. The facts are the facts: they should logically agree that it’s more sensible to stay safe.

Social skills cost nothing
I don’t really have those. Social interaction is a mystery to me. I’ve long suspected I may be on the autism spectrum but I don’t know for sure.

OP posts:
sparklepink · 27/11/2020 10:18

you've obviously offended them with the tone of voice, even though what you said wasn't wrong. if it were me I would send an apologetic text apologising for any bluntness which you didn't realise, but that you're very concerned and won't be compromising your safety, thanking them for their understanding.

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 10:18

@Somethingkindaoooo

Any contact is a risk. A walk is more risky than no walk. I’m not killing my elderly mother so they can have a nice chat

Op, I too think you are being overly extreme.

You bleach groceries? Get post with rubber gloves? Bloody hell.

It sounds like your health anxiety is running your lives.

Do you work op?
Does your DH go out to work?

I think your anxiety is running amok, and this latest text is probably tip of the iceberg

Yes to this
AlternativePerspective · 27/11/2020 10:18

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship. I suspect that it’s possible some of her anxieties have stemmed from that fact.

OP if you’re getting out the bleach you might find it a good start to sanitise the dh out of the way first. Smile

AryaStarkWolf · 27/11/2020 10:18

@ZebraStripez

That’s pretty much word for word what I texted. “We’re my mums support bubble, she’s literally a few weeks from getting the vaccine and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated. Also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating over Christmas. I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”.

Is it nasty? I tend to be very straighforward and blunt so I don’t always realise when I’m being rude.

No way he showed that to "everyone at work" and they all thought it was nasty, he's either lying about showing them or he did and they all just said it was nasty to keep him happy. There's nothing at all wrong with what you sent. Him and his family sound like assholes
Newuser991 · 27/11/2020 10:19

Thing is are those self isolating and refusing to leave the house since March doing so on medical advice or because they have simply decided to?!

There is a difference.

One of my friends brothers has had 2 kidney transplants and is CEV due to taking immunosuppression drugs.

He had to shield the first time around but after that changed he did go back to doing what he was allowed to do. He's fine.

Has your GP told you and your mum you mustn't leave the house or did you decide that and also to make everyone else dance to your tune?

YoniAndGuy · 27/11/2020 10:19

Your DH is a twat and I suggest you tell him, equally bluntly, what thin ice he's on right now.

FourTeaFallOut · 27/11/2020 10:19

Someone needs to invent an app where you can put the actual message through a flowery shit algorithm for snowflakes.

ZoeTurtle · 27/11/2020 10:19

Who cares about the in laws? The biggest problem is your husband is a cunt who doesn't like you. Can you leave? Do you want to?

Happychristmashohoho · 27/11/2020 10:19

“I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. “

Me too OP, especially when they’re over the top to the situation. I have sympathy for genuine reasons.

stampsurprise · 27/11/2020 10:19

But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

Nobody should be "dropping in" this year unless they are part of a pre-arranged bubble. Surely they should know this?

ShirleyPhallus · 27/11/2020 10:20

@AlternativePerspective

And really what kind of adult blocks someone off the back of one text message? Like mother like son, eh?
It isn’t one text message though is it. There’s clearly far more history here
inappropriateraspberry · 27/11/2020 10:20

If I were your MIL I'd be happy to know the situation and be on my son's back to find out what he's doing so I could plan food etc.

Eckhart · 27/11/2020 10:20

I just can't imagine the situation at work.

DH: Look at this text my wife sent to my family.
The whole team: Yeah, you're wife's a proper nasty piece of work, mate. What a cow your wife is.

It's just odd. If someone showed me their partner's text and said 'look how nasty this is', I'd be inclined to a) think they're a bloody wierdo for trying to convince someone they've married a git, and b) try to find something other than nastiness in it. Like 'Well, perhaps she's just feeling anxious, rather than being deliberately horrible..?'

I don't believe anyone has said or confirmed that you're nasty. He's making it up because he wants you to feel bad. Why would he do that?

WouldBeGood · 27/11/2020 10:21

@AlternativePerspective

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship. I suspect that it’s possible some of her anxieties have stemmed from that fact.

OP if you’re getting out the bleach you might find it a good start to sanitise the dh out of the way first. Smile

This is just ridiculous.

The Op sounds very difficult to live with with this extreme behaviour.

I’ve had HA in the past and it was awful but I’ve managed to overcome it by way of therapy, hence my suggestion.

SBTLove · 27/11/2020 10:22

And bingo!! after being called rude OP thinks she’s autistic!
OP I think your behaviour is irrational; bleaching groceries? seriously you need to get a huge grip.
Your DH goes to work and could easily bring the virus home yet you’ve stayed in since March? I think you have little ability of risk assessment and have done things to suit only you.

Beefcurtains79 · 27/11/2020 10:23

I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. The facts are the facts: they should logically agree that it’s more sensible to stay safe.

Pandering to feelings? I’m beginning to suspect that you are one of those people who enjoys being rude. The no-one likes you comment, was that news to you or something you and him had previously discussed/noticed?
Pandering to someone’s feelings usually means in real life being kind or sensitive to people who are struggling, it’s just plain decency really.

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/11/2020 10:24

There is nothing nasty about the text. The end part ("don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”) does say to speak to him so you shouldn't be surprised they have stopped replying to you.

I'd be furious with my DH in view of you having told him repeatedly you and your mum won't be socialising. He should have talked to you about it if he doesn't agree.

I don't believe he showed your text to everyone at work (unless it was only a small place and the people are stupid). The text is not nasty. I wouldn't be impressed with your DH's behaviour.

diddl · 27/11/2020 10:25

If ILs are pissed off about Op prioritising her own mum, they need to get a grip!

AllsortsofAwkward · 27/11/2020 10:26

OP is clearly in an abusive relationship. I suspect that it’s possible some of her anxieties have stemmed from that fact.

OP if you’re getting out the bleach you might find it a good start to sanitise the dh out of the way first. smile

Sorry because he disagrees and thinks her behaviour is unfair doesnt make him.abusive in the slightest.