To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Yabu. It seems like your health anxieties and your relative are being treated as more important than your husband and his family. Plenty of people are out at work every day, there is every chance your dh will catch the virus from work, surely you could allow him to see his family?

24 carrot

Lol

This just sounds awful. You talk about your husband in such a detached and cold way. I'm really surprised the divorce conversation wasn't followed through with, it would definitely be better for your children.

You seem so protective over your mum , which I get as I was with mine who had health problems and a disability , but why do you sit by watching her get put upon at her age by your husband, watching both your children while you are not working ??

Yes it's your husbands day (strange in itself ) but i simply wouldn't have had it, unless of course, she can't wait to see them and babysit them,?? in which case , it's not a problem at all that your husband does this so you shouldn't have a go at him for it.

Is your husband getting paid until 7pm?

Your message did seem blunt, but then you come across as quite cold towards your own family, so that's probably just your way, it just all seems far too much like hard work.

Get divorced, put the kid back in nursery, go back to work and you will might warm up a little to the people in your life, you sound so resentful and angry.

OP, you said you suspect you're on the spectrum and I'm inclined to agree. I say that as somebody who has three autistic loved ones so I recognise the unemotional, matter of fact way of thinking and expressing yourself.

I don't think you're being totally unreasonable in wanting to keep your bubble small, but it does seem like your DH and his family have got the shit end of the stick (so to speak)

I'm not going to try and convince you to change your mind as it's your prerogative how you navigate the pandemic with risk factors taken into consideration, but I do think there needs to be some compromise for everybodies sake as currently it seems as though your DH's family are being alienated.

I like a PP's suggestion of perhaps seeing them in a socially distanced way over Christmas (mulled wine in the garden was a nice idea)

If you plan on staying with your DH for the foreseeable it's in everybodies best interest to have a half decent relationship.

Agree that the whole marriage sounds toxic and I'd be very concerned about the effect on DC. Yes the thread was about a text, but OPs updates make it clear that their life is far from normal and action needs to be taken.

OP when you choose to have children you do so knowing that 'me time' will be very limited while they are young. I'm a sahm and know how wearing it can be, but that is life with young children. In a decent marriage you have give and take. One pops up for a bath and then one pops out for a hobby etc. Juggling DC in between. You can't just check out of life and neither should your DH. Especially with your poor DM being dragged into it. How you can stand by and let her come when DH calls, I really don't know.

And MNetters wonder why women seem to want daughters instead of sons...because of situations like this. OP is only interested in her mum and the DC only get to see their maternal grandma. DH doesn't seem to give a shit either way!

Basically OP, only you and your mother matter to you.

Your husband will care about his parents just as much as you care about your mother. Both sets of Grandparents are equal in importance with regard to your children.

But you see life only in the way it impacts you and your mother. When your inlaws should be every bit as important to your nuclear family.

You seem to not understand anything outside your own personal feelings and rules. You don't even seem able to understand how your children see the world and what they're missing out on. I really worry about them.

If, as you suspect, you have ASD, it's quite understandable that you are seeing this situation from your point of view only. However, you're going to have to adjust that view and listen to your DH/his family. You need to bring yourself to sound as though you might like to spend some time with them, even if you really don't.

I do think it's unfair to suggest that your Mum is so vulnerable that you need to shield her, then allow your DH to ask her to babysit. I couldn't sit and relax knowing that was going on, even if it means I lose out on my rest.

So because 78% of internet randomers agree with you, you are going to continue to think you're right and because everyone at work agrees with your DH, he's going to continue thinking he's right.

Do you see how futile this attitude is in resolving anything? Do you both ever sit down and talk things out and come to a compromise?

I really respect OPs boundaries. It's not her fault her DH has decided that for the 6hrs she wants to decompress from being solely responsible for their children her husband chooses to ring his MIL to babysit for him.

The alternative is that she is responsible for the children 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week for the foreseeable future. If she was here saying my husband works 10hrs a day and never helps me with the children and spends all weekend upstairs on his game station, every one of you would say "leave him with the kids, go for a bath or a walk or a coffee or a nap and anytime the kids come to you redirect them to their dad" she's done that. The lazy twat went and called his MIL instead of stepping up.

I do think he was intending to steamroll you and invite them round knowing full well you didn't want them to without telling you and expect you to feel too uncomfortable to stand up for yourself. And now he's mad you've shown him up.

It took the OP 10 posts before mentioning they had shared preschool children involved - this changes the original scenario significantly and makes the original post misleading, it's not just adults involved and for that alone YABU.

OP you should separate from your husband. You’d get the free time you want when he had his contact time. His parents could see the kids in his contact time and you can keep away from everyone on your contact time. It sounds as if you don’t like him anyway so win win all round.

Sounds like your dh doesn’t want to bother with his mum unless it’s easy like them popping in but otherwise wants you to facilitate things. My husband is very lazy where his family are concerned and they’re just as bad as they don’t bother. My mother says I should make the effort for the sake of my husband but if he can’t be bothered I don’t see why I should and his mother has been passive aggressively rude to me many many times.

Your dh could go for a walk with his parents. But it doesn’t sound like he can be bothered to sort anything out.

As for the kids, god most people need a break. I don’t know anyone who is with their kids 24/7 and it’s wonderful. We all need a break.

I think your text was to the point but quite why you shouldn’t be to the point. I don’t think you were rude. Your dh can’t be bothered making a plan with his parents and you’ve just said it as it is. He’s obviously being unpleasant now as you’ve ruined his plans of an easy life.

OP has disappeared...

I’m not sure about this!

@ZebraStripez

And to spend one day a week each avoiding your kids and sitting in the bath or your bedroom alone is really quite disturbing. I’m with children every day of the week, all day and all night. It’s not unreasonable to want some time on my own. It’s probably 11am-5pm, so about six hours. Quite often I sleep because I’m exhausted after being on childcare duty every night. And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

I do get that. I'm not sure that it's unreasonable.

But do either of you think you should spend time together as a family? Or time without them in the evenings?

Not what you asked for but might help you in the long run with social communication skills:

thegirlwiththecurlyhair.co.uk/

I just can’t even get my head round having a day off each weekend, and if the husband has to do something, becayse he works during the week, the the op will go collect her mum and she will then baby sit whilst the op sits in her bedroom. Having her day off. Whilst her 81 year old vulnerable mums down stairs looking after the kids.

I’ve genuinely never heard anything like it.

Hibu by showing his colleagues but I disagree with your stance.
You are putting you and your mum first, but he has to just follow blindly along?
And why say ""you'll have to ask him"
They did that and you disagree with their thoughts so you then threw a fit.

OP try to think of it this way.
You don't say if either of your children is a boy.

But let's say at least one is.

He grows up, marries, and has children of his own. These are your grandchildren of course and you will love them.

Heaven forbid, but when you are in your 60s another pandemic comes along. Your son bubbles with his wife's mother as she is single. You are on the one hand, jealous that the children's other granny is seeing them several times a week, but it's nobody's fault that you aren't single so can't be the bubble.

Then the rules are relaxed so for the first time in months, you will be allowed to see your grandchildren in their home. But your son's wife says she isn't having that, because other granny (who has seen them tens of times) gets priority yet again "because of her health". She says your son can bring them over if he wants, but he can't really, because the price of that is 2 weeks in isolation with 2 small children which is impossible for him because they have no childcare and he has to work. You know from statistics that your daughter in law is at a mildly increased risk but is certainly not in a shielding category and her mildly increased risk, for her age, is still tiny.

Are you telling me you would accept all this without feeling even slightly hurt or jealous? You wouldn't feel like you didn't matter? You wouldn't be angry or resentful?

I surely would. It would break my heart.

@Bluntness100

I just can’t even get my head round having a day off each weekend, and if the husband has to do something, becayse he works during the week, the the op will go collect her mum and she will then baby sit whilst the op sits in her bedroom. Having her day off. Whilst her 81 year old vulnerable mums down stairs looking after the kids.

I’ve genuinely never heard anything like it.

Hmm

I wonder if the sexes were reversed people would have the same reaction.

Plenty of men avoid childcare because they want to play their computer games, do sports, play golf, have a hobby, whatever.

I mean, a man having a day off every weekend would probably not even raise an eyebrow.

@MrsBrunch yes, if she went out and did something - hobby, meeting friends etc - it may be a little different, but to just sit in another room under the same roof is odd.

@Lougle

If, as you suspect, you have ASD, it's quite understandable that you are seeing this situation from your point of view only. However, you're going to have to adjust that view and listen to your DH/his family. You need to bring yourself to sound as though you might like to spend some time with them, even if you really don't.

I do think it's unfair to suggest that your Mum is so vulnerable that you need to shield her, then allow your DH to ask her to babysit. I couldn't sit and relax knowing that was going on, even if it means I lose out on my rest.

I disagree.

I think her dh needs to step up and look after his children.

@ZebraStripez

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not? I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.

Most people vote after reading the OP. Were the voting after your multiple embarrassing updates....

[quote inappropriateraspberry]@MrsBrunch yes, if she went out and did something - hobby, meeting friends etc - it may be a little different, but to just sit in another room under the same roof is odd. [/quote]
No it's not. If her hobby is reading or relaxing, what does it matter. It's the same. There cannot be one rule for her and one for her husband.

I wonder if the sexes were reversed people would have the same reaction

No it wouldn’t be the same, it would be worse. The language would get most of us banned.

I’ve never heard of a man or woman, who takes a weekend day off every weekend from their kids , who will go fetch their 81 year old mother to babysit and then shut theirselves in their bedroom all day having their day off whilst she cracks on.

These kids are four and two. That’s hard work.This woman is frail and vulnerable, using the ops own words. She’s at significant risk of death from Covid if she catches it, the father works outside the home, Anyof them in that house could have it.

If it was a man, the op would be seriously getting his arse handed to him

MrsBrunch

Its the age of ops dm comes into play here shes 80plus shes near the latter stages of life and by ops omission is frail elderly woman who is highley vunerable. Yet she is providing childcare for a 2 and 4 year old who arent at the independence age and can be exhausting for the average person. Even if ops dm was a poorly 60 year old it would be considered unreasonable she be caring weekly for two younger dc, its just not fair and its not as if its so op can work its so she can sit upstairs. When you have dc you are responsible for those children, op made a choice to have a child she then went onto to have another child.