To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@IndecentFeminist

The OP didn't say that her mother come every weekend to babysit. Just that when her lazy arsed husband can't be bothered he calls her.

And then OP collects her by car.

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not?
I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.
Personally, when people I love are upset with me, I’ll attempt to make amends. Sometimes that means apologising, sometimes that means explaining my point of view calmly and rationally. I don’t really care who is at fault.

Oh this all sounds like such a horrible situation. OP you don’t HAVE to be nice to your in-laws, but if you WANT to have any kind of relationship with them in future, I’d suggest just trying to have a bit more empathy with them in future. If you dont want to have any relationship with them, then I guess it all depends on whether your DP is prepared to put up with that.

I do think it’s horrible for your DC to be stuck in the middle of it all though - if I were you, I would try to make amends if only for them, even if I didn’t want to.

@ZebraStripez

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not? I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.

What have your inlaws actually done wrong? Your MIL left the conversation and the others didn't comment?

If I had read that text I would have been very surprised the grandchildren weren't mentioned in any capacity. Just you, your Mum and your husband.

What does her collecting her mum have anything to do with the frequency of her babysitting?

Gaslighting the OP by telling her that he’s shown her text to his colleagues to prove how nasty she is? Saying that this proves why nobody likes her?

yes, your text was lacking in social niceties and any regard for their feelings but seems your DH is quite the gas lighting drama llama. He sounds immature and unable to stand up to his DM and hates that you've taken the control of the narrative away from him. That last sentence was very jarring though and implies you don't care what he does - he will hate feeling that in front of his family if he's still in the "child" role.

@IndecentFeminist

What does her collecting her mum have anything to do with the frequency of her babysitting?

She's facilitating her Mum babysitting their children for her 'lazy' husband by collecting her. If she thinks her husband is taking advantage of her DM during his 'shift' then why help it happen?

It's pretty weird for her to think her Mum is babysitting for her husband not on behalf of them as a couple in the first place.

@IndecentFeminist

What does her collecting her mum have anything to do with the frequency of her babysitting?

Because earlier she was saying it was nothing to do with her and just an arrangement between her dh and her mum. If you don’t think it’s appropriate or right then don’t facilitate it!

I’ve heard of some fucked up family dynamics before but this is appalling. What a dreadful way to live for everyone concerned, especially the poor children. Completely toxic on all sides.
@ZebraStripez for goodness sake put a stop to it, you clearly hate your husband and your life and I’m sure he is as miserable as sin too. There are no winners here. Change it.

@ZebraStripez

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not? I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.

To be honest by the apparent state of your marriage they’re unlikely to be your in laws much longer, so probably best to leave it safe in the knowledge that you won’t have to deal with them anymore.

So your mum is frail enough to need you every day yet you leave her to babysit two toddlers?
Your making all of this shite up to suit your own wants, again you haven’t been told to shield it’s your own choice and you’re now using it as something to manipulate everyone with.

Totally agree with @Holyrivolli.

This relationship sounds toxic. I feel sorry for the kids and the elderly vulnerable mother who is being used to parent the grandkids when the parents opt out. Whole situation is ridiculous.

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

While he's been the sole earner from March and supported you all while you've been able to stay home?

Ok you've lost sympathy now. Your anxiety is making you so self absorbed you just can't see the effect this is having on your DH too. Yeah he was nasty but if this has been your attitude since March, I'm not surprised he's reaching the end of his tether.

@5863921l

*Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren? That would be lovely.*

So you can do sarcasm. But not compassion, courtesy or empathy. Interesting.

she wasn't being sarcastic.

She has boundaries. IT would be lovely for her DH to arrange to take the children for a walk with his parents - but it's not her job to arrange that.

well done OP.

While he's been the sole earner from March and supported you all while you've been able to stay home?

Well seeing as she gave up work to look after their child when the nursery closed, then one of them had to stay home. He's not particularly doing her any favours is he. It's for the child.

They are a bunch of cunts, you carry on as you are, if they all want to mix and risk killing each other let them
They are selfish bastards who are only thinking of themselves. X

No it's not her job to arrange plans with her PIL but her text only concerns what she wouldn't be doing (obviously fine to want to limit her interactions to protect her DM) But no mention of the children that presumably both sides of the family love? Really?

I liked him a lot more before we had children and he dumped the majority of the childcare on me, thus preventing me working
Completely untrue. You've stated yourself that they are not in nursery because you chose not to send them. You haven't had it 'dumped' on you, he's out being the sole breadwinner and you're at home being a SAHM, BY CHOICE.

Are you suggesting I should be available to my children at all times? Why doesn’t this apply to their father too?
Once again, because he's at work. You could be but you've decided that you want to lock your children away at home instead of allowing them contact with other children and also inflicting your anxious behaviours (bleaching groceries etc) , onto them. So, yes.

You seem to hate everyone and everything OP and it's clearly getting to your husband. You've been rude to his family and you're making it impossible for him to see them. You also threated him with divorce regularly, why are you even in this relationship?

@catsrus
*5863921l
Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren?
That would be lovely.

So you can do sarcasm. But not compassion, courtesy or empathy. Interesting.
she wasn't being sarcastic.

She has boundaries. IT would be lovely for her DH to arrange to take the children for a walk with his parents - but it's not her job to arrange that.

well done OP.*

This goes way beyond just having boundaries (which as a sahm of 8 years I’m very supportive of!!) This is pretty much ignoring one side of your children’s family for no particular reason and only caring about your own needs and not those of your children or husband.

DH has now informed me "see that's why nobody likes you '
Tell him good they won't mind not coming then will they. X

I think most folks are in alignment that this is a toxic environment no child should be party to. It’s like a cold war between the parents. Lines drawn, treating each other like shit, working to rule. There is no love, no joy, no warmth, no supporting each other. Even Covid is being used as a weapon to control and manipulate.

Honestly I’ve read some stuff on here, but this is just cold and toxic.

One of you needs to put a stop to this op. Not one of you can be happy.

Get yourself back to work snd stop relying on him financially then end this.

@Blanca87

Your dh and his family are actually disgusting bullies. What a 24 carrot arsehole he is. Twat.

24 carrot 🥕 😂

Slightly blunt OP. As a blunt person myself it's the kind of thing I'd have sent before rereading and amending the end a bit and expressing some regret at not seeing everyone and suggesting a lovely big family gathering next spring to soften the blow.

Look on the bright side: you didn't call any of them names. It was about you and your DM staying safe, not about them particularly.

Tbh I'd send a conciliatory message apologising if your first message seemed abrupt, you are just so worried about your mum etc etc, and making offers for later next year.

@Bluntness100

I think most folks are in alignment that this is a toxic environment no child should be party to. It’s like a cold war between the parents. Lines drawn, treating each other like shit, working to rule. There is no love, no joy, no warmth, no supporting each other. Even Covid is being used as a weapon to control and manipulate.

Honestly I’ve read some stuff on here, but this is just cold and toxic.

One of you needs to put a stop to this op. Not one of you can be happy.

Get yourself back to work snd stop relying on him financially then end this.

Have to agree with this.

I think you're the wronged party in this particular situation OP and your husband and his family are toxic, but its very clear that there's no love lost between you and your DH and that its impacting both of your extended families and your kids.

I may be massively overstepping the mark with this but I wouldn't' be surprised if your health anxieties were connected to your obviously very poor marriage -- some sort of displacement, potentially?

You do need to get back to work and separate. Maybe get COVID out of the way first. But this isn't sustainable.