To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Sulk*

If I ever make parenting decisions on the basis of how life would be if I was divorced, I would take it as a sign that all is not well in my marriage.

Oh Christ on a bike I just read the updates.
I feel sorry for your mum she's probably trying to escape that bubble but you got her locked in it to be a baby sitter ffs.

I dont think you're being unreasonable at all with Christmas and your "day off".

We aren't seeing anyone but PILs for Christmas, yes we COULD see more people, but PILs are retired and are isolating for 2 weeks beforehand, we're taking time off work to do the same. None of my family can, so we're not seeing them. Because covid isn't taking Christmas off.

Your husband was unreasonable to make plans knowing you and your mother are at risk and therefore isolating, without talking to you about it. If you hadn't sent the message yourself he wouldn't have done it and they'd have just turned up. If he wants to see them then just go to your mums for 2 weeks and leave him to it, with the kids if he's intent on taking them too. He's their dad and a full grown man, he should be perfectly capable.

He doesn't sound very nice at all.

You stated you gave up work and took kids out of nursery because of your paranoia about Covid risks and your self imposed isolation
I didn’t say that’s why I gave up work. During the first lockdown when DCs nursery closed I stopped working so I could look after them. We agreed this was the best solution for the time being, because DH insisted he couldn’t possibly adjust his hours or work from home or offer any additional help at all with childcare. It was also convenient because I have risk factors and was increasingly worried about Covid, and my mum was isolated at home so she needed me to go over every day. The nursery reopened after a couple of months but I chose not to send DC back because I was still worried, still visiting my mum every day, and my job was no longer available to return to. I never said I stopped work solely due to Covid paranoia - that isn’t true.

If you hadn't sent the message yourself he wouldn't have done it and they'd have just turned up
Exactly. He refused to express my wishes so I expressed them myself. Then he shouted at me because he was obviously planning to have them turn up despite me expressly saying no.

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not?

Op, you keep saying to folks that’s not true then explaining it ans saying exactly what they said, so confirming it is true. It’s very odd indeed.

It feels like you worry about Covid only when it suits you. Your mother shouldn’t be coming to your nome to baby sit, because your husband works, so there is a risk you all have it. Why are you putting her at risk in this manner.

Actually don’t bother answering, you’ll just say it’s not true then explain it is.

So what’s the next step OP? Make amends with the in laws or not?
I don’t see why I should. 78% of people seem to think my text was just fine. On that basis the in-laws should be apologising to me for huffing off for nothing.

I have stood up for the OP on this thread. But expecting her 80 year old to babysit once a week whilst she stays out of the way upstairs, that really does shock me.

My DM is 81 and has been spending two months every year in West Africa where she does work for the literacy charity that she set up. I wouldn’t expect her to spend a whole day looking after my two DDs of 11 and 8 (admittedly DD1 has SEN). She takes them out separately, and has had DD1 for occasional sleepovers.

No way would I expect her to look after them one day a week because I wanted to sleep and my DH couldn’t be arsed. (Actually she wouldn’t stand for it as she does have good boundaries.)

They both sound horribly toxic and I do pity the children (and elderly mother) caught in this war of attrition. Neither seem to enjoy being together or with their children. Splitting up would probably be better for everyone.

I have read through the whole thread with increasing concern for the children stuck in the middle of this deeply toxic relationship.
( I actually hope that this isn't a real situation)
But if it is OP you need to be less concerned with point scoring with your DH and more concerned with building a warm and loving house for your dc.
This certainly doesn't need to be with your DH and actually given the current state of your relationship it may well be better without him.

My DH wouldn’t expect that either, though. Because we’re their parents so we wouldn’t expect anyone to look after our DDs when we were in the house.

I’m afraid my earlier sympathy is wearing thin. The only person who I feel sorry for is the OP’s DM.

I am a little puzzled at the consistency of:
it's ok for OP's DM to come to house and have contact with OP's DP who works (though mask and distancing and so on) when it suits, including to babysit: and
OP's DP will literally 'be killing' OPs DM if he walks outside with his DM.

Regarding apologising or even sending a follow up message that explains and tries to put oil on troubled waters, you stand by your principles OP though you might not be happy when others don't pander to you or stand on their principles. Still divorce might not be too bad though you won't be able to control your 'lazy' DP quite so much.

Good luck (I genuinely mean that and suspect you might need it though I doubt you'll change if this thread is real and not a wind up).

Is today your 'day off' OP, because you seem to be spending a lot of time on the internet?

I think many people are finding this thread increasingly shocking.

The text is neither here nor there, it was fair enough, but what has come after is really disturbing that kids are in this environment. Two grown adults behaving like this.

I think sometimes people get so entrenched in how they treat each other, they literally can’t see it.

Actually can I change my vote to any I’m starting to see your husbands point you sound very difficult to live with

*and
OP's DP will literally 'be killing' OPs DM if he walks outside with his DM.
*

At no point has the OP said this. Her husband has been for walks with his mum, OP joined them once. She's talking about spending extended periods inside and in close contact, hugging, sat beside one another etc.

@Bluntness100 yes this! Its just mind-boggling

They both sound horribly toxic and I do pity the children (and elderly mother) caught in this war of attrition. Neither seem to enjoy being together or with their children. Splitting up would probably be better for everyone.

Well I still think the DH's open abuse (and the bullying of his family) is far worse and is in large part responsible for the OP's obvious stress and anxiety.

But I can't disagree with your analysis that they would clearly be far better off split up than together. The marriage is clearly making both of you - and by extension probably your children -- very unhappy.

@PrivateD00r

I don't think it is possible for anyone here to jump to any conclusions. I would love to read the AIBU DH or MIL would write to see it from their side.

I can see how the health anxiety/panic attacks and having to bubble with his mil for 8 months now might have impacted on him to the point he has now had enough. It sounds very much like you are controlling the situation op and now getting involved by dictating Christmas with his family rather than letting him sort it out.

Or maybe he is a selfish arsehole.

Not enough information to decide imo. I do know however that I would not like to be in his situation either.

This ☝️

You need to learn the art of the bad news sandwich

This.

Say something nice. Say the bit you want to say. Say something nice again.

It's the British way.

Well I agreed with you at the outset OP but subsequently changed my mind when I realised you were making decisions not just for you and your Mum but that there are children too.

As you have a clear idea of what you feel is safe or not I think it would help DP and his family to understand how they can see your DC this Christmas.

Perhaps discuss this with DH and, if he is on board with it, send an extra text to say - 'Understand you'd like to see DC1and DC2 this Christmas, unfortunately this can't happen indoors due to the extra precautions we're having to take due to covid, but DH would love to set up a time to go to the park together.'

You don't have to arrange or facilitate but you are not vetoing the DC seeing their family then.

If you have time to spend posting on mumsnet you have time to send a text.

On these threads it would be so useful to have the other partners / family members take on things!

I don’t see why I should

Because you have upset your DC's Grandparents OP. You expect people to show you so much compassion when you don't have one jot of it yourself

@ZebraStripez

But, your mum has the kids while he plays games. Come on! That's not fair at all. No it’s not fair. He needs to stop it. But the solution is not for me to take the kids. He needs to take them himself.

But you’ve also said that you go and pick her up? So..... just don’t?

The OP didn't say that her mother come every weekend to babysit. Just that when her lazy arsed husband can't be bothered he calls her.