To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Keep going, OP, you’ve done a great job at keeping your mother safe and keeping her company. Your husband and his family sound like covidiots

I’m guessing you assume she wishes divorce? Hence you’d advice to keep going? I agree it’s the best option though. As said, I’ve seldom seen a marriage breakdown detailed as coldly as this. The level of disdain they have for each other, is very very sad.

Regardless of everything else I cannot for the life of me figure out why you’re married.

There are really days where he calls your elderly, sick mother over and you both sit upstairs in separate rooms ignoring her and the children??

The whole situation is fucked IMO. Split and then you’ll get your time off during his contact, you won’t need to see or speak to his family when you clearly don’t want to, and you don’t need to be around him.

Then when your mum visits you’ll be able to spend time with her and not sit in the bath...

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I genuinely don't get this thread. You won't be seeing your in-laws due to covid worries and protecting your mum. If your husband wants to see his family then he can go for it.

He has one day per week to supervise kids, he doesn't mind being bubbled with his mil when it suits him to fob the kids off on someone.

I'm pretty sure that the OP would t mind being able to work if her dh would split the childcare with her.

That said op, nurseries etc have been open for months so I'd utilise them and get back to work.

ZebraStripez the message itself was quite blunt, and in certain circumstances would appear rude but at the same time, you say you've asked your DH to address it repeatedly and he's been too lazy to do so. If that's your normal conversational style then frankly on his head be it!

There are other more worrying bits though, like telling you no-one likes you and doing the bare minimum on the weekends- it sounds really miserable and like you don't have a partner really. Its not on and you may well be happier without him.

For your anxiety, are you getting support with that? Its a stressful situation and sounds like your DH isnt helping at all

@ZebraStripez

He needs to work to pay the bills He could use his holidays? It’s not like we’re going abroad any time soon!

Looking after pre-schoolers is tiring as is being out at work and having young children at home. Has your husband booked any extra annual leave off over Christmas?

Would a compromise work?
DH sees his family while you stay at your Mum's for a week? Then you could come back (sounds like you are potentially less vulnerable) and not see your Mum for another week.

There is talk of reducing the self-isolation / quarantine period.

I don't think it sounds nasty in the slightest, it's polite and factual and to the point. I could understand if you'd said "I can't believe you're being so selfish as to think it's ok to visit vulnerable people" then I could have understood it!

if he rings my mum to babysit on his day and she agrees, that’s between them.

How cold you are. They're still your children and clearly your mum may not feel able to say no or it may be too much for her. Not that your husband is covering himself in glory but you sound like a teenager. I hadn't realised parents could be so ridiculous.

Also, you must be a mighty cold mother because there will be dramas and ructions reaching your ears that you just merrily leave your frail mother to deal with despite the 'i want mummy!' that must float up the stairs. In understand if they're with your dad and you simply must have a break but every weekend for a whole day and it's you mum down there? Shockingly callous.

Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren?
That would be lovely.

So you can do sarcasm. But not compassion, courtesy or empathy. Interesting.

No it’s not fair. He needs to stop it. But the solution is not for me to take the kids. He needs to take them himself.

That would be for you to address.

8am. Technically he finishes at 5 but he never comes home till 7. He says it’s because he doesn’t like sitting in traffic jams so he waits at work until the rush has eased off. Personally I think it’s a way to score another couple of hours to faff around on the internet and not have to look after DC.

And this is the man people think will agree to parent his children alone for two weeks. He seems to avoid time with them as much as possible. But, yep definitely the woman needing a little time and wanting to keep herself and her mother safe, while dealing with what sounds like pretty severe health anxiety, who's in the wrong.

How cold you are. They're still your children
I don’t find it unreasonable to have some boundaries in place. Children in nursery probably cry for mummy and she isn’t there. Are you suggesting I should be available to my children at all times? Why doesn’t this apply to their father too? If his children need parenting on his day then he needs to go downstairs and do it. Same as he would if we were divorced and he had them in his own house.

Can I just say, I have never come across such an unlikeable and unrelatable OP. At the start I thought your DP was being mighty unpleasant when he said people didn't like you. Now I think he may just be desperately and ineptly trying to light a spark of humanity.

Also, you must be a mighty cold mother because there will be dramas and ructions reaching your ears that you just merrily leave your frail mother to deal with despite the 'i want mummy!' that must float up the stairs.

While the father who tells his wife "no one likes you" and spends two hours after finishing work pissing about on the internet because he'd prefer not to have to parent his children is a model parent?

he dumped the majority of the childcare on me, thus preventing me working
That’s a bit of a fib is it not?
You stated you gave up work and took kids out of nursery because of your paranoia about Covid risks and your self imposed isolation.
Also you said your DH asking your DM to babysit was between them, yet you go and collect to facilitate the babysitting.
I think your DH is far from perfect but you are very controlling and selfish to suit your own needs, if your mum is so frail and vulnerable why is she mixing with DH and babysitting??
You’re a hypocrite and have used the situation to distance yourself and D.C. from your in laws.

@ILoveYou3000

8am. Technically he finishes at 5 but he never comes home till 7. He says it’s because he doesn’t like sitting in traffic jams so he waits at work until the rush has eased off. Personally I think it’s a way to score another couple of hours to faff around on the internet and not have to look after DC.

And this is the man people think will agree to parent his children alone for two weeks. He seems to avoid time with them as much as possible. But, yep definitely the woman needing a little time and wanting to keep herself and her mother safe, while dealing with what sounds like pretty severe health anxiety, who's in the wrong.

He’s an absolutely shitty dad, no doubt about it. And a really shitty husband too.

I certainly hope it’s not me you’re referring to with this comment. I absolutely do not think OP is in the wrong for needing time to herself nor for wanting to keep herself/her mum safe.

Same as he would if we were divorced and he had them in his own house.

Yes, doubtless that is coming.

I wouldn't expect to be available at all times, no. But if I knew my elderly mother was picking up the slack for any reason whatsoever whether it was my fault or not, I would indeed step in. And I would protect her from being put upon. And I would inevitably intervene when there were actual screams of pain etc from time to time over the course of a day, much more often if I knew the other parent wasn't there.

I'd also be very ashamed and embarrassed for my mother to see a set up where both parents are in their rooms while she works. I would have thought she'd earned the right to a cup of tea and someone to take the children when she was getting tired.

I certainly hope it’s not me you’re referring to with this comment. I absolutely do not think OP is in the wrong for needing time to herself nor for wanting to keep herself/her mum safe.

I wasn't referring to anyone specifically, more in general to those berating the OP and telling her to go to her mum's and leave the children with her husband.

This must be a reverse? Surely nobody can be this cold, rude and dismissive of others?

While the father who tells his wife "no one likes you" and spends two hours after finishing work pissing about on the internet because he'd prefer not to have to parent his children is a model parent?

Did I say that? I didn't think I said that. I don't think he sounds any good at all. But there is no clause in parenting that you still get to dump the kids on a frail old woman if the other parent is rubbish. Life's Not Fair.

I have DS who is 2. If my mum was downstairs with him and I could hear him upset, I'd go down and see what the matter was. I'm at a loss for words that point-scoring is more important to you.

Basically neither of you seem to want children so I'm blowed if I can work out why you had another when you already had a 2-year-old.

And if he were divorced and in his own house, I suspect you might find he either didn't feel able to put your mum in this position, or your mum would feel free to say no because she no longer has to keep the wheels on a dreadful marriage. My guess is, that's why she's doing it.

Gosh OH. You sound deeply unhappy and stressed out. It's a difficult time for us all and being a stay at home mum is hard work

Sounds like it's taking its toll on you. And your family

You know you're making your life even more difficult by not sending your kids to nursery.

Is this really in their best interests? You have to weigh up what is right for your kids against what is right for your mum. And sounds like your mental health is taking a battering by having kids look after 24/7 especially if it
Takes you ' hours' to put them to bed.

Also sounds like your relationships are really suffering with husband, friends, in laws

Plenty of people have elderly and vulnerable parents and they still send their kids to school/pre school.

I know there is a risk with covid but put things into perspective

I suppose I should say, even though it goes without, that their dad should do it if that's the arrangement. But if he isn't I couldn't turn a blind eye.

@thepeopleversuswork

Also, you must be a mighty cold mother because there will be dramas and ructions reaching your ears that you just merrily leave your frail mother to deal with despite the 'i want mummy!' that must float up the stairs.

While the father who tells his wife "no one likes you" and spends two hours after finishing work pissing about on the internet because he'd prefer not to have to parent his children is a model parent?

They both sound horribly toxic and I do pity the children (and elderly mother) caught in this war of attrition. Neither seem to enjoy being together or with their children. Splitting up would probably be better for everyone.

Aww like mother like son.
The text was fine. MIL Can sulk and DH can silk too.
Who even shows people at work a text your wife sent. Little bitch.