To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

And you seem to have little affection for him and zero for his parents
I didn’t marry his parents. I liked him a lot more before we had children and he dumped the majority of the childcare on me, thus preventing me working. And now he’s whinging that I’m not facilitating his children’s relationship with his parents, as if that’s my job. I have enough work already without being responsible for that too.

@YoniAndGuy

God I love the way the holier than thou brigade are still searching for ANYTHING that makes OP a twat and she's just answering, straight as a die, every single time.

OP the message here is that your DH is a selfish unpleasant twat.

All I can say is thank God you are as direct and no-nonsense as you are, because if you were a fluff-round-the-edges-don't-mind-me person, you'd be on antidepressants now wondering why you're just not coping.

You mentioned divorce, I would. Honestly, what's the point of being married to a nasty sack of shit that you constantly have to have a war of attrition with just to function without having to do it all?

They are trying very hard, poking her and looking for weaknesses but she's not biting

I have to say I don't think much of your DH at all

Gets his 80 year old MIL to look after his DC rather than spend time with them himself.

Kudos on your Mum for being such a loving and involved DGM!

If your DH were to visit his parents with your children how would you expect them to isolate from you?

You don’t like his family and do not wish to be Involved in any way
Why do you have to like someone’s family to marry them? If I’d said “Should I dump him because I don’t like his mother?” people would say “Of course not, you’re marrying him not his mother!”

@FourTeaFallOut

And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

You really don't you know, in a loving relationship you can say, "Hey, I'm exhausted would you take the reins while I go for a nap", without having to write an IOU.

This, nothing about this says healthy relationship. With both OP and DH behaving selfishly.

OP I don't think you've said but, ignoring xmas, has DH had an opportunity to take the kids to see his mum this year? And by that I mean an actual opportunity, not just he can do it as long as he takes 2 weeks off work to quarantine after?

If your DH were to visit his parents with your children how would you expect them to isolate from you?
I’d go and stay with my mother for a fortnight. Have a lovely rest and let DH see how tiring it is looking after toddlers round the clock.

Can people please step back a bit and stop piling onto the OP for the way she and her DH organise their family life? Some of the comments on here have been really insulting. Yes the context is relevant here etc and I can understand how some people find the family set-up a bit unorthodox.

But this is about whether a text message was worded appropriately. Its escalated into people hurling some pretty vile insults at someone who is clearly struggling and who has a bad marriage with someone who is routinely unkind to her.

What happened to the "Be Kind" imperative? I'm all for a frank exchange of views but some of you are being really toxic.

@RandomMess

I have to say I don't think much of your DH at all

Gets his 80 year old MIL to look after his DC rather than spend time with them himself.

Kudos on your Mum for being such a loving and involved DGM!

I’m not sure about that, if you work every day until seven pm ,it’s wholly possible on a Saturday you’ve errands to run which might be easier without two kids in tow.

Either way, the two of them dislike each other, that’s clear, and refuse to help the other out. It’s no environment for kids.

Re-reading to catch up and I’m going to say hmmm, it doesn’t feel like a wind up after all, so I’ll reiterate that you weren’t at all unreasonable to send the text; it wasn’t nasty at all. I’m also going to say that it’s absolutely fine for a mother to want and need time to herself away from her children, yes, even for a whole day, and there’s nothing wrong with arranging to have peace & quiet & some help with the children.

@ZebraStripez why not do that? You could have a quiet Christmas with your mum, and the children would be just fine with their dad & ILs.

@ZebraStripez for the sake of clarity, what time does your husband start work? What industry does he work in?

And by that I mean an actual opportunity, not just he can do it as long as he takes 2 weeks off work to quarantine after?

It’s not possible for him. He’s the sole breadwinner, the op relies on him financially so he can’t afford the time off likely and as she does the child care she says she’d leave, leaving him without child care. And the two weeks isolation would continue if someone else cared for them. He is boxed in. He needs to work to pay the bills.

why not do that? You could have a quiet Christmas with your mum, and the children would be just fine with their dad & ILs.

Their dad who can't even look after them for a few hours once a week?

bluntness That's my point, it's not really an opportunity if it comes with a caveat line that.

[quote LilyLongJohn]@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly

• *@LilyLongJohn DH has to quarantine with the children for 2 weeks if he wants to take them to see any of his family - tick

So? That's up to her dh isn't it. Why is it always the mothers responsibility? If it was the other way round it would be expected that she quarantined with the dc, I doubt many people would even raise an eyebrow [/quote]
The difficulty is her husband is the only one in paid employment so harder to get 2 weeks to quarantine without impacting on the income coming in for the whole family.

Let's ask OP then.

@ZebraStripez would it be ok if your DP uses his annual leave at Christmas to see his parents? He could then stay in your own home with the DC while you stay at your Mum's for 2 weeks?

It's not about mothers or fathers responsibilities it's about 2 people in a marriage working out a fair resolution. Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren?

He needs to work to pay the bills
He could use his holidays? It’s not like we’re going abroad any time soon!

Really could they not even arrange a walk outside with the PIL to see the grandchildren?
That would be lovely. I’ll leave it for him to organise. I have enough to do already.

@ILoveYou3000

why not do that? You could have a quiet Christmas with your mum, and the children would be just fine with their dad & ILs.

Their dad who can't even look after them for a few hours once a week?

Yes. That one. This is a perfect opportunity for him to step up and learn how to look after his own children.

@FloraButterCookie

You are not being unreasonable, def not.

I don't think your message is rude at all, although if I was writing it, being a people pleaser, I'd have been been "so gutted I can't see you all" etc

Your in laws sound very dramatic

@FloraButterCookie

I read the 'so gutted' bit in the most sarcastic voice 😂

ZebraStripez for the sake of clarity, what time does your husband start work?
8am. Technically he finishes at 5 but he never comes home till 7. He says it’s because he doesn’t like sitting in traffic jams so he waits at work until the rush has eased off. Personally I think it’s a way to score another couple of hours to faff around on the internet and not have to look after DC.

I'm with you with regard to the text. I don't think it's too harsh - it's just straight and to the point. And your husband is a twat.

I'm also on board with having a day each at the weekend. I'd love that myself!

But, your mum has the kids while he plays games. Come on! That's not fair at all.

@YoniAndGuy

God I love the way the holier than thou brigade are still searching for ANYTHING that makes OP a twat and she's just answering, straight as a die, every single time.

OP the message here is that your DH is a selfish unpleasant twat.

All I can say is thank God you are as direct and no-nonsense as you are, because if you were a fluff-round-the-edges-don't-mind-me person, you'd be on antidepressants now wondering why you're just not coping.

You mentioned divorce, I would. Honestly, what's the point of being married to a nasty sack of shit that you constantly have to have a war of attrition with just to function without having to do it all?

Totally agree with this Yoni

OP your husband sounds somewhat lacking but that’s not your fault or responsibility.

The “martyr mummies” on this thread are piling on to you cause you are daring to ensure there is a fair split of the ‘wife work’ in your house.
So many come on here to MOAN about how they never get a minute to themselves, but lo and behold a woman who is insisting on this, gets criticised.

Now, as for your husband using your mother to ‘babysit’ so he doesn’t parent his own children, this is another example of HIS bad behaviour, not yours.
I think you are doing amazingly for carving out a bit of time for you, especially given the covid precautions you are having to take. Your year since March sounds really difficult and now, with hopefully an end in sight, your dramatic in laws are taking offence at your perfectly reasonable preferences.

As for the idea that we should all text like 14 year olds with emojis and hearts to soften a factual reply, words fail me.

Keep going, OP, you’ve done a great job at keeping your mother safe and keeping her company. Your husband and his family sound like covidiots.

Op why are you still together? You know this has reached the end of the road. When this level of dislike for each other settles in there is no way back.

But, your mum has the kids while he plays games. Come on! That's not fair at all.
No it’s not fair. He needs to stop it. But the solution is not for me to take the kids. He needs to take them himself.