To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

I'd don't understand the logic behind husband visiting parents alone? Surely you both have to isolate in order to protect your mother. Is husband still going to work and seeing people?
Minimal and unavoidable risk in a Covid secure workplace with masks and social distancing. Not the same as cuddling people, sitting next to them on their sofa, drinking out of their cups, for hours on end with no mask on.

I would love to know to how ops mother is getting to their house, bus taxi or her dh picking up in a car in a close space
Women are allowed to drive cars nowadays. I pick her up in my own car.

Out of interest op, how does your day off work?
They seem quite happy with their current activity and whoever’s with them. There’s never really been any whinging for a parent who’s busy elsewhere.

But for a supposedly married couple to have a rigid “his day/her day” arrangement wvery single weekend
I arranged it because I was getting no time off at all, DH constantly had something he needed to be doing and I was left with the full burden. It was wearing me down and my mental health was suffering. So I said DH had to take DC on Saturday otherwise I’d divorce him and then he’d still have to take DC on Saturday.

Why doesn’t your mil baby sit
She isn’t our bubble and you aren’t allowed to mix with other households indoors. Not that she would babysit anyway.

@MrsBrunch DH and his family could do any number of things to make some arrangements that would suit everyone but all they want to do is be nasty to her.

But that's exactly what they were trying to do! But OP says that side of the family can't have any contact with the children unless DH quarantines with them for 2 weeks afterwards.

@AllsortsofAwkward - by tube?

@ZebraStripez is your Dad ok that he's not seen your DC since March?

I would love to know to how ops mother is getting to their house, bus taxi or her dh picking up in a car in a close space
Women are allowed to drive cars nowadays. I pick her up in my own car

So it is you getting youre mother to come and babysit not youre dh like you stated previously. You could put you're foot down by saying youre not collecting her but you do for youre own benefit.

I'm not suprised youre inlaws don't offer to babysit when you take the piss out of youre 80 year old mother.

If youre dh is so bad divorce him but don't use youre mother like third parent to have a day off. You chosen to 2 children which you refuse to disclose their ages.

One thing that confuses me on MN: any time someone vulnerable says that they’re willing to take risks, see their GC etc, that it’s their own choice to make. The consensus is that that should be fully respected. In fact, you’re slated if you say that you don’t want to put them at risk by going round on their terms. That’s you putting your feelings above their preferences.

But the opposite elicits a different reaction: if you don’t want to catch covid, and want to take as many precautions as possible (minimising nonessential contacts) you’re given all kinds of suggestions on how to meet up more safely, told to manage your anxiety, and to be mindful and sensitive to the feelings of all the people who want to see you.

But you have a lazy gas lighting arsehole instead

Lazy? He's the one out working until 7pm every night. Did you even RTFT?

I'm guessing you're an only child which is why no siblings have stepped in and put a stop to you taking advantage of youre mother.

ZebraStripez is your Dad ok that he's not seen your DC since March?
He’s not bothered. He once didn’t see me for over a year because he went through a phase of not feeling like seeing anyone. Sometimes (pre Covid) I would knock on the door and he’d choose not to answer, I’d come back another day because I understood he must not feel up to socialising that day.

Deciding not to see his family indoors is reasonable. Being needlessly rude to them by text and not even arranging for them to see their grandchild outside is a horrible way to behave. We treat in laws as family, I would be horrified for an in law to be so dismissive of my family. Clearly there's a lot of dysfunction in your relationship with your husband. It's really no good you feeling hard done by and behaving badly towards his family while he's off being rude about you to his colleagues. You clearly aren't happy together, so you need to work on your relationship before you damage your child's view of how people should behave. You can get counselling sessions online these days and you need them.

OP, I'm starting to feel sympathetic towards you.

Not because of the text thing (I think you should have worded it more warmly), but because of the pile on you've had on this thread.

Can I ask, are you happy in your marriage? Do you see a long term future together? Tell me to mind my own business if you like, I just thought that the thread is going round in circles yet the real issue seems to be being sidelined. Namely that your DH said something cruel, not for the first time. And you seem to have little affection for him and zero for his parents.

Gosh, I’ve seldom seen anything like this.

Op, does it ever occur to you that you do not have a marriage, you’re simply two people who do parent and share a house to do it?

I’ve seldom seen such a lack of love or empathy. And to spend one day a week each avoiding your kids and sitting in the bath or your bedroom alone is really quite disturbing.

I'm with you OP. Your DH has failed to get his house in order re plans and given there are only 4 weeks to go, you did the right thing.

I don't think people get the 3 household thing either, my MIL keeps putting forward odd, completely inappropriate proposals.

Normal Christmas is written off this year I'm afraid.

You chosen to 2 children which you refuse to disclose their ages
2 and 4. I don’t see how that’s any more informative than “preschool” but there you go.

@ZebraStripez So I said DH had to take DC on Saturday otherwise I’d divorce him and then he’d still have to take DC on Saturday.
I think for both your sakes he should have taken you up on the offer.

ZebraStripez Women are allowed to drive cars nowadays. I pick her up in my own car.
So you pick your DM up in your car to come and babysit your DC at your 'lazy' DH's request on a Saturday -OK?!

As someone said earlier - bonkers.

I'm wondering if the OP is so bad, why hasn't her dh left her. This sounds like a marriage of convenience to both of you and might be why you've checked out emotionally.

@GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly

• @LilyLongJohn DH has to quarantine with the children for 2 weeks if he wants to take them to see any of his family - tick*

So? That's up to her dh isn't it. Why is it always the mothers responsibility? If it was the other way round it would be expected that she quarantined with the dc, I doubt many people would even raise an eyebrow

OP you sound lile you hate your husband and his family, who by the way are your family too!!

This whole he has to talk to his family only and i only talk to my family, is really weird

I’m astounded you’ve a two year old. What possessed you both to have another child when you both dislike the other so intently?

As said, I’ve seldom seen anything like this. It’s two people living in the same house, who have no love for each other and total disdain.

For your children’s sakes you should split up rather than raise them in this environment.

@shas19

I think you're more crazy letting them inject you with something that's taken a few months to come up with but other illnesses theyve had no luck? 🐑🐑🐑 go enjoy Christmas

Don't be such an idiot. The tiniest bit of googling will show how the vaccines are being created for this in such a short time frame.

And to spend one day a week each avoiding your kids and sitting in the bath or your bedroom alone is really quite disturbing.
I’m with children every day of the week, all day and all night. It’s not unreasonable to want some time on my own. It’s probably 11am-5pm, so about six hours. Quite often I sleep because I’m exhausted after being on childcare duty every night. And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

There is nothing wrong with what you said OP (And I can be quite sensitive things) People have gone mad because deep down they know you are right and don't like being told no - too bad for them I say. I would be livid if my DH failed to have my back and even encouraged the ill feeling to me like the way yours has, you are meant to be a team and although I understand he may be disappointed and struggling with lockdown, there is no excuse for calling you selfish (You aren't) or showing your text to everyone at work asking for their opinions.

You ARE doing the right, mature thing by protecting your DM and yourself, and don't let anyone make you feel differently. So no, YANBU x

So your vulnerable 80 year old mother looks after a 2 and 4 year old because neither of you wants to be a parent on Saturdays?

Wow.

And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

You really don't you know, in a loving relationship you can say, "Hey, I'm exhausted would you take the reins while I go for a nap", without having to write an IOU.

@ZebraStripez

And to spend one day a week each avoiding your kids and sitting in the bath or your bedroom alone is really quite disturbing. I’m with children every day of the week, all day and all night. It’s not unreasonable to want some time on my own. It’s probably 11am-5pm, so about six hours. Quite often I sleep because I’m exhausted after being on childcare duty every night. And if I take time for myself then I have to give DH the same amount of time for himself.

I’m not sure why you’re pushing back, when your push back is stating exactly what I said.

Honestly op can you not see how odd this is? This is not a family. Your kids shouldn’t be raised in this environment. You dislike each other. You don’t like his family and do not wish to be Involved in any way.

The two of you should sit down and talk and do what’s best for your kids. Split up and try to find happiness.

A 2 and 4 year old is the most demanding ages possible for an 80 year old lady, I have 3 dc 2 of those dc have that age gap and I'd never left my 67 mother mind them nm an 80 year old. My youngest is 4 now and is still at that challenging age Its not as if they are at the ages where they are self sufficient. They are youre dc not your mothers

God I love the way the holier than thou brigade are still searching for ANYTHING that makes OP a twat and she's just answering, straight as a die, every single time.

OP the message here is that your DH is a selfish unpleasant twat.

All I can say is thank God you are as direct and no-nonsense as you are, because if you were a fluff-round-the-edges-don't-mind-me person, you'd be on antidepressants now wondering why you're just not coping.

You mentioned divorce, I would. Honestly, what's the point of being married to a nasty sack of shit that you constantly have to have a war of attrition with just to function without having to do it all?