To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Your message was abrupt and rude and I think deep down you know that. Of course you can choose not to see the PIL but you've also effectively banned your children from seeing their grandparents and that is up for debate on whether that is cruel or not.

However, yours and your husbands attitudes to parenting are absolutely bonkers! You dont get days off, either of you. Sometimes one parent has to bare the load more than another, that again is parenting. I was a SAHM for 10 years, I still was involved in family life at the weekends. If I was tired I'd take a nap and DH would watch the kids and vice versa. DH could play his game and I could read. Now we both work full time, and we both are still parenting without a "day off".

You two have serious issues that go way WAY past him wanting to see his family at xmas.

:42WeCanFlyHigher

Good for you OP, taking your day to yourself to recharge. Especially important for your mental health and wellbeing if you suffer from anxiety too. Putting your oxygen mask on before helping others is a well known analogy

And I get that, I do. Self care is important. But if sticking to that principle meant that your vulnerable elderly mother was taken advantage of and put at risk... would you still do it?

Excately at the detriment of her frail elderly mother who is still at risk of the virus from ops dh whos going to work BUT along as op its ok that's fine.

Why doesn’t your mil baby sit, that way she gets to the see the children and your mum isn’t at risk.

Of course self-care/time off is important. But it is perfectly possible to carve out a few hours at the weekend for a bath and solo relaxation at the weekend when your partner is at home, the lighten the rest of the load by spending time with the kids together.

But for a supposedly married couple to have a rigid “his day/her day” arrangement wvery single weekend, whereby each of them checks out completely for the whole day and the one in charge can choose to delegate their responsibility as they see fit, without discussion with the other- that is bizarre

@Holyrivolli

You don’t seem to like your dh or his family. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s desperate to leave you (not that I think you’d care). What a horribly dysfunctional family and poor children being isolated from the world for months with two parents who seem to loathe each other and won’t spend time together.

Jesus... what a horribly dysfunctional troll you sound. Pick on someone your own size.

Out of interest op, how does your day off work? I have a 4 year old. If I'm in the bath he wants to join me, if I go for a lay down within an hour hes coming up for a cuddle. Do your kids have to be told no, they arent allowed to see you today?

@lemonsquashie

Just another thought, I'd don't understand the logic behind husband visiting parents alone? Surely you both have to isolate in order to protect your mother. Is husband still going to work and seeing people? If so, then surely that's putting you and in turn mother at risk?

I would say that work is a necessary and minimal risk. OP said that her dh's workplace has covid secure measures in place. I've been working all through the pandemic and it's been fine. Masks, space, sanitise, etc. I'm having routine swabs and they are negative even after all these months of going to work. I don't go anywhere else though, because that's not necessary. It's all about minimising the risk and avoiding situations that you don't have to be in.

Lots of people are risk averse, like OP. Lots of people aren't, like her inlaws. As it's those that are less risk averse that are more likely to transmit the virus at the moment, OP is avoiding them. It's very logical and really no need for all the emotion over it.

This doesn't sound like a happy marriage; from the tone of your message you don't seem to like or have affection for your husband. They may be your husband's family, but when it comes to your children they're just their family, in the same way that your mum is. I do think your message was harsh. There's no reason why you and your DH and the children couldn't meet his family for a walk and a coffee or something.

I can't help feeling that there are people this year using Covid as an excuse not to see people they just don't want to see.

Crikey, what a pile on!
I thought your text was OK. I'd have fluffed it up a bit but that's my style.

OP it's nice to see someone standing up for themselves and having firm boundaries in place

I honestly don't know why you're getting slated so much.

You get equal downtime from parenting - tick

Your dh is responsible for sorting out how he looks after your dc on his days - tick

You're not being railroaded into doing something you don't want to, ie Christmas - tick

Your dh can decide how he spends his downtime and his interactions with your mum are between the 2 of them, without you having to facilitate - tick

Your dh can do what he wants on his down days - tick

You let him sort zoom calls with the dc and your mil - tick

Seems like you're doing everything from the mn handbook - but somehow you're getting a load off stick for it. Sometimes I really don't understand mn.

Be a strong woman and stand up for yourself - oh no we don't like that, you're cold and rude

I would love to know to how ops mother is getting to their house, bus taxi or her dh picking up in a car in a close space.

I think you're more crazy letting them inject you with something that's taken a few months to come up with but other illnesses theyve had no luck? 🐑🐑🐑 go enjoy Christmas

@WeCanFlyHigher

Good for you OP, taking your day to yourself to recharge. Especially important for your mental health and wellbeing if you suffer from anxiety too. Putting your oxygen mask on before helping others is a well known analogy

And I get that, I do. Self care is important. But if sticking to that principle meant that your vulnerable elderly mother was taken advantage of and put at risk... would you still do it?

When two adults A and B make a decision between themselves, why is it C's fault?

@LilyLongJohn DH has to quarantine with the children for 2 weeks if he wants to take them to see any of his family - tick

The text was blunt, and it does sound like you're aware of it. It is absolutely fine to communicate in a blunt, factual fashion if you choose to, but you have to accept the consequences of that, which is that people in general will feel less comfortable with you.

Padding out with social niceties is one of the things that keeps us all getting on harmoniously, there's nothing wrong with that, that's just how society works.

Your weekend set up is unusual. Parents normally share the load together at weekends, with bits of time carved out for themselves, not whole days. Fine if it works for you, but it's not coming across as a happy household.

OP, you have good boundaries in place and are trying to stand up for yourself. If you had a good husband, this would all be fine. But you have a lazy gas lighting arsehole instead. He sounds like a sorry excuse for a man.

That being said, it's very obvious you don't like him. No wonder, I don't like him either from what you have described. I think given you are not working, you are quite vulnerable. If I were you, I'd be making an exit plan because that's a miserable marriage.

I can't believe you let you husband dump your kids on your 80 year old mother! Over my dead body would that happen.
I'd also be seriously worried about the impact of your kids on this social isolation.
Bizarre and borderline sinister situation for many reasons..

@AllsortsofAwkward

I would love to know to how ops mother is getting to their house, bus taxi or her dh picking up in a car in a close space.

Why, so that you can catch OP in a gotcha? Pile on more anxiety to a person that is already getting blamed for trying to keep her mother alive?

Come on, cut OP a bit of slack. DH and his family could do any number of things to make some arrangements that would suit everyone but all they want to do is be nasty to her.

She doesn't need more people being nasty too.

When two adults A and B make a decision between themselves, why is it C's fault

No decent reasonable person would allow a vunerbale lady to travel to their home in a pandemic aged 80plus to care for not 1 but 2 preschool whilst they sat upstairs lazying about when they don't work so its not for work purposes and they want to no parent for the day. Regardless what her husband is doing she is allowing her mother to be taken advantage of and also taking advantage of herself. But when it suits and she doesn't want to see the inlaws suddenly they are bubbled with her mother. At first I thought she was visiting her home therefore limiting the risk and providing care not intact having her elderly mother babysit whilst she sits on her arse and putting her at risk by being there.

[quote GrumblyMumblyisnotJumbly]@LilyLongJohn DH has to quarantine with the children for 2 weeks if he wants to take them to see any of his family - tick[/quote]
Why doesn't he do that then? OP wouldn't mind. She would probably enjoy the break. Maybe she should spend Christmas with her mother and he can host his family at his hahaha like that would happen.

Given its unlikely her mother is driving it would me she would either A, get public transport which is a risk B taxi another risk or picked up again another risk. She loses the moral high ground completely.

When two adults A and B make a decision between themselves, why is it C's fault?

It’s not, of course. But the OP seems to be going to great lengths to protect her mother... except when it suits her. Completely her prerogative, just seems strange.
Anyway it’s all by the by. The OP and her husband clearly have nothing but contempt for each other which is a far bigger issue than anything else going on.