To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@Happychristmashohoho

“Isn’t it the case that those mention you mention simply cannot afford to be risk averse? They have no practical choice but to work. Bills need to be paid and whatnot. A sad situation all round.

But if you are capable of being averse, of not being one of the 1500 covid patients admitted to hospital every day, then why not? It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.”

@Redolent I’m not suggesting she starts going out clubbing but bleaching shopping? Rubber gloves? Not going for a walk? That’s not rational behaviour. There are plenty of ways of drastically minimising your risk but still having a life too.

I agree that there are low risk activities she could undertake. But OP admitted that she has health anxiety and suffers from panic attacks, so outlining things logically isn’t always helpful.

@ZebraStripez

I’ve just read your message - I think it sounds snippy Sounds cold to me I’m generally an unemotional person, very blunt and factual. I agree my text lacks that faux apologetic air; I’m not apologising for staying safe, that’s just the fact of the current situation. I actually took ages writing that text to ensure it was to the point and not rude. DH has now informed me that “this is why nobody likes you”.

blimey - I'm the same as you @ZebraStripez - and people do like me - and they always know where they are with me because I don't do the whole "white lie" to save feelings thing!

I lost it with one of my adult dc this week because they thought we should "prioritise" inviting a particular family member for xmas - even though they would have to travel on P transport, are coming from a higher infection rate region and are young and fit - oh, and it would break the 3 households rule.

no we don't fucking prioritise their feelings over my life. I may have actually said fucking, your text was very measured.

Ignore the snarky comments about your health anxiety - this is not some imaginary illness - it's a real threat to our health, and some of us are more vulnerable than others and we need to protect ourselves.

@QforCucumber

Why should you both/either of you get an entire day off? Christ. We both work full time, have 2 kids, we spend the weekend as a family. Yes I might go have a bath for an hour or dh might go to play golf. But an entire day each? Do you even like each other?

This.

Some people on here!

The OP is clearly struggling right now, yet some just see her as an easy target for a pile on.

The husband is seemingly a lazy parent who prioritises gaming over spending time with the children he's hardly seen all week. It sounds like OP needs him to step up and do his share so that she can recharge. He's choosing not to do that. Same as he's choosing not to facilitate contact between his mum/family and his children. That is his responsibility.

OP sounds like she's struggling between full-time parenting of two small children, looking after her mum and having her own health issues (physical and mental?).

It's ironic how many are berating her for being rude and lacking empathy yet their replies are also rude and lacking in any empathy for the OP.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

I suppose MrsBrunch - as in “EVERYBODY in my class has an iPhone and plays Grand Theft Auto at 9yo” 🙄

EVERYBODY thinks you're so mean and horrible wah wah stamps foot

In normal times, if a husband couldn’t be bothered to facilitate a Zoom call between his parents and his children, I don’t know why the woman should have to step in to that role. This is how lots of nonsense ends up as wifework: arranging Christmas and other gatherings, sorting out presents for his family, always trying to smooth over and facilitate everyone’s interactions. Many women dread Christmas for precisely this reason: the social burden falls on them.

It’s exhausting and her husband needs to step up or accept that it’s not goin to get done.

@loobyloo1234

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

And people on here think your DH is the one gaslighting. Ok

Does your dh have any choice in being the sole earner. Maybe he can take two weeks off and you can go to work. You sound very flippant, and only interested in yourselfx

Hello OP
I would place a large sum of money on you bring autistic. It shines from your posts.

I think your initial text could be construed as rude, and your approach to life with strictly delineated rules, roles and responsibilities would seem "stubborn" and "unnecessary" to NT folk. I do think your approach to risk is very much heightened and you are perceiving your needs and wants as paramount here, and that you could facilitate your in laws popping over at Christmas and if you are concerned, have them have mulled wine in the garden and a walk with the kids and DH.

Really can't see how that text would cause such an uproar? Tell DH to fuck off to his mums if you're that nasty.

Really can't see the issue here. Everyone has overreacted.

You are not being unreasonable, def not.

I don't think your message is rude at all, although if I was writing it, being a people pleaser, I'd have been been "so gutted I can't see you all" etc

Your in laws sound very dramatic

I get your point of view but I feel for your in laws too.

Do you have kids? Sad for them to miss out if so.

I bet the in laws are heartbroken. Perhaps a more sympathetic and a warmer text l, better still, a phone call, would have taken the edge off the bad news

I was with you OP, until you posted more about your family. The dynamics are very odd it doesn't sound like you do anything at all together, as a couple or a family. And having a complete 'day off' is strange. Many people have been dealing with preschool children at home, but don't need to completely ignore them one day a week!
I could understand your DH taking them out for an afternoon sometimes to give you some or peace, but him getting your mother to babysit whilst you are both in the house is ridiculous!

You should just leave each other, you clearly don’t like each other. You get a day off and he can take dcs to in-laws. Win win

@saraclara

the op is so bothered about her 80 year old mum she has her come to her house while hubby is there who works everyday so therefore exposed to virus .so she is not that bothered about her mums health

Exactly. This decision makes no logical sense at all.

That's not actually correct. Mitigating risk in a pandemic is done by reducing the number of potential contact points of each individual.

If her dh has contact with 30 people a day then there is a risk that a proportion of those have the virus and he might become infected. That's very different to saying her DM should go along to work with him and also be exposed to those 30 people. That is increasing her risk significantly. It's basic probability theory.

The less contacts any one individual has the less likely they are to get the virus. If they have no outside contacts then they reduce it down to almost zero - but the key is the number of personal individual contacts.

Yes your text isn't worded very kindly - it doesn't matter whether you Feel you ought to apologise or not, you do so in situations like this to keep the peace.

But ultimately it shouldn't be up to you to communicate this info anyway. Why didn't your DH tell them the situation hadn't changed? Did you fear he was going to force you into visiting

Just another thought, I'd don't understand the logic behind husband visiting parents alone? Surely you both have to isolate in order to protect your mother. Is husband still going to work and seeing people? If so, then surely that's putting you and in turn mother at risk?

I think that stating your mother was just weeks away from getting a vaccine was strange. None of us knows that to be the case and there's a second jab 28 days later.

In normal times, if a husband couldn’t be bothered to facilitate a Zoom call between his parents and his children, I don’t know why the woman should have to step in to that role. This is how lots of nonsense ends up as wifework: arranging Christmas and other gatherings, sorting out presents for his family, always trying to smooth over and facilitate everyone’s interactions. Many women dread Christmas for precisely this reason: the social burden falls on them.

It’s exhausting and her husband needs to step up or accept that it’s not goin to get done.

Or in some families outside Mumsnet world people just all like each other and actually want to chat even if they are not blood relations, mothers enjoy seeing their kids interact with grandparents on both sides, nobody keeps score of how many times one party or another has “facilitated contact” because it happens organically and everyone jogs along happily as a family.

I don’t ask her to babysit for me. It’s my day off - what DH does with DC or arranges for them is not my problem. If he rings my mum to babysit on his day and she agrees, that’s between them
odd how you stand up to your in laws but allow your precious frail mother to be taken advantage of?
Your DH could easily transmit the virus to her.
Looks more like you’re using the pandemic to be controlling and selfish.
A day off every week from being a SAHM; you chose this, you haven’t been told to shield.
Your DH must have the patience of a saint tolerating your rules and sheer entitlement.

@Redolent

In normal times, if a husband couldn’t be bothered to facilitate a Zoom call between his parents and his children, I don’t know why the woman should have to step in to that role. This is how lots of nonsense ends up as wifework: arranging Christmas and other gatherings, sorting out presents for his family, always trying to smooth over and facilitate everyone’s interactions. Many women dread Christmas for precisely this reason: the social burden falls on them.

It’s exhausting and her husband needs to step up or accept that it’s not goin to get done.

Absolutely. There is no way OP should be having to micro manage her husband. If he's too lazy to play with his children or socialise with his family that is not for her to sort out.

Good for you OP, taking your day to yourself to recharge. Especially important for your mental health and wellbeing if you suffer from anxiety too. Putting your oxygen mask on before helping others is a well known analogy.

If it wasn't for covid this site would now be full of women complaining about the load in the run up to Christmas and how their lazy husbands only do the bare minimum when forced to. It's so great to see a woman value her worth.

OP - you also say you've never been one to pander to feelings. Yet everyone has to pander to yours.

You don’t seem to like your dh or his family. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s desperate to leave you (not that I think you’d care). What a horribly dysfunctional family and poor children being isolated from the world for months with two parents who seem to loathe each other and won’t spend time together.

@1forAll74

You are doing the right thing, and have stated what you wan't to happen at Christmas, so keep to it. I wouldn't take any notice of all the other jibber jabber from your Husband and other family members.

Well not really because she is pretty much stopping her DH and DC from seeing his parents.

As I said before they are both as bad as each other and neither of them are coming out of this well. It doesn't sound a happy or healthy household, but it is up to the OP what she does next.

Good for you OP, taking your day to yourself to recharge. Especially important for your mental health and wellbeing if you suffer from anxiety too. Putting your oxygen mask on before helping others is a well known analogy

And I get that, I do. Self care is important. But if sticking to that principle meant that your vulnerable elderly mother was taken advantage of and put at risk... would you still do it?

@ZebraStripez

You say child(ten)

How old are your children? Are both toddler age?