To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Why should you both/either of you get an entire day off? Christ. We both work full time, have 2 kids, we spend the weekend as a family. Yes I might go have a bath for an hour or dh might go to play golf. But an entire day each? Do you even like each other?

All sorts I was thinking that surely no one could be that selfish and neurotic

I really think I should have read the full thread before commenting...

and a for good measure!

@AllsortsofAwkward

I'm thinking somwones on a wind up no reasonable person would allow their 80 old mother come in a pandemic to babysit her children whilst she lies in bed has a bath and read a book when she's a sahm.

Do you know how utterly exhausting it is to to be a vulnerable SAHM in a pandemic? No children’s activities, no adult company, no time for yourself.

MrsBrunch she allows it as she's NEEDS a day off disgraceful behaviour. This is the same mother who's clinically vunerbale and frail and must be shielded can you see the irony in that?

@ZebraStripez

OP, I haven’t read every message but I have a few questions based on your replies.

1. How many children do you have and approx ages? I don’t mean to offend, but are you struggling a bit with them? (I only ask as I cannot imagine for one minute to have coped myselfin that situation being stuck in the house. Especially with my ds who was such hard work as a toddler) and was completely energy sapping.

1. What are the reasons you would call yourself vulnerable? (I only ask because I work in a hospital, patient facing, and there are so many of our staff who have other health issues and risk factors but are still working frontline. The same with teachers, supermarket workers etc. Quite a few also have vulnerable relatives at home. I think your perspectives may have become a bit too risk averse, bordering on obsessive from being at home a lot.)

1. Are his parents working? Socialising? What makes you so anti seeing them, even at distance with masks? (The blue paper masks you can buy cheaply are the same masks we wear in the hospital, even when working with covid patients)

I think you and your dh need to communicate more and be on the same page. It is important that he has some sort of contact with his family too, and they with the dcs.

Redolent Yes I have 3 i get on with it.

Nothing wrong with what you put OP they have totally overreacted and I'd be annoyed at them for that. Hour husbands rude speaking badly about you to everyone that would listen. They probably agreed with him to shut him up or he is lieing as nothing you wrote was bad.

Are we weeks off a vaccine? Both me and my 5 yr old are both extremely clinically vulnerable. I’ve not heard from my specialist about a vaccine and he promised me I’d be in the top tier??? Have I missed something. I was told March.

Your*

She has her mum for company and she didn't have to stay in everyday she says she goes out to parks

@AllsortsofAwkward

MrsBrunch she allows it as she's NEEDS a day off disgraceful behaviour. This is the same mother who's clinically vunerbale and frail and must be shielded can you see the irony in that?

She is not her husband's keeper. If you want to get cross with someone, get cross with him, he is the one doing it, not OP.

@AllsortsofAwkward

Redolent Yes I have 3 i get on with it.

Good for you. Have a medal.

Other people need some time for themselves.

So your DCs have been taken out of nursery and have had no contact at all even outdoors with other children since March so they can still see your mother? But they are not allowed any contact with your MIL or indeed anyone else at all?

Because why would work friends get so het up about that text - it sounds like a reaction of someone who’s invested.

Yes, to the posters struggling with the ages on this thread. Mother of pre-school children with an 80 year old mother. 40+40=80. Both 40+ when they had children.

What are the reasons you would call yourself vulnerable? (I only ask because I work in a hospital, patient facing, and there are so many of our staff who have other health issues and risk factors but are still working frontline. The same with teachers, supermarket workers etc. Quite a few also have vulnerable relatives at home. I think your perspectives may have become a bit too risk averse,

Isn’t it the case that those mention you mention simply cannot afford to be risk averse? They have no practical choice but to work. Bills need to be paid and whatnot. A sad situation all round.

But if you are capable of being averse, of not being one of the 1500 covid patients admitted to hospital every day, then why not? It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.

@DrinkFeckArseGirls

Because why would work friends get so het up about that text - it sounds like a reaction of someone who’s invested.

Or the husband is lying in an attempt to make him seem right and her seem wrong when, the truth is, they just have different opinions.

He is being VERY unreasonable to tell you that nobody likes you. That is just spiteful.

And I don't agree with him asking your mum to babysit on a day that you've agreed is your "day off". HOWEVER as your DM is 80 and vulnerable, whether it is your rest day or not, how can you actually sit upstairs reading knowing that your mum has been left dealing with two little ones? Especially as you've painted them to be constantly on the go and poking and prodding... I might be angry at DH for shirking the responsibility and that needs to be dealt with but your kids and your DM are your responsibility if your DH won't deal with them. I just couldn't leave my elderly mum literally downstairs with two toddlers because she's too kind to say no.

Well. As much as the government have allowed this time anyone with a pinch of common sense can look at the stats and work out it's probably better to carry on avoiding people. No family should really be laying it on think and I think anything more than hi, here's your presents is going to be judged and harshly come January. I'm staying home and refusing visits, I'd be definitely avoiding anyone who thinks it's ok to heap the pressure, god knows they won't be able to count 3 households either!

“Isn’t it the case that those mention you mention simply cannot afford to be risk averse? They have no practical choice but to work. Bills need to be paid and whatnot. A sad situation all round.

But if you are capable of being averse, of not being one of the 1500 covid patients admitted to hospital every day, then why not? It shouldn’t be a race to the bottom.”

@Redolent I’m not suggesting she starts going out clubbing but bleaching shopping? Rubber gloves? Not going for a walk? That’s not rational behaviour. There are plenty of ways of drastically minimising your risk but still having a life too.

I suppose MrsBrunch - as in “EVERYBODY in my class has an iPhone and plays Grand Theft Auto at 9yo” 🙄

@Happyheartlovelife

Are we weeks off a vaccine? Both me and my 5 yr old are both extremely clinically vulnerable. I’ve not heard from my specialist about a vaccine and he promised me I’d be in the top tier??? Have I missed something. I was told March.

We have been told it’s starting as early as next week at work, subject to approval, which is expected.

Starting with 80+, nhs and care workers.

You are doing the right thing, and have stated what you wan't to happen at Christmas, so keep to it. I wouldn't take any notice of all the other jibber jabber from your Husband and other family members.

@OP your husband said this is why no body likes you? What a horrible thing to say to your partner. Sorry to be blunt but he sounds horrible.

Agree that the text could of had a "what a shame, let's facetime.." added on, even if you don't mean it, it wouldn't take away from the key message.

However, you don't deserve all thus flack, it was just a text. Yanbu