To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@ZebraStripez

Even if not in each others houses, but at a distance, or via zoom It’s not up to me to facilitate his mother’s access to her grandchildren. If he can’t be bothered to zoom her then I don’t see why I should. I’ve suggested repeatedly that he should take DC upstairs and zoom his mum so DC can chat and show her their toys etc, but he hasn’t. I’ve offered to play upstairs with DC so he can have quiet to do a family zoom quiz, but he declined and was angry because I wasn’t participating in the quiz.

Will your DH take your DC to see his side of the family?
He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

That's utterly ridiculous. I think you both need a think about your futures.

We spend weekends together as a family. It is a choice, and you choose to rest over spending time with your DH.
Children are hard work. I can’t cope with being around people all the time. My weekend day is the only time I get by myself to do the things I actually enjoy. If we were together as a family I wouldn’t be spending time with DH - we’d both be supervising DC and being poked and pestered so neither of us would get a rest.

Is this post actually real two toddlers and you get a day of rest to have a bath and sit in your room reading a book for hours while your 80 year old mum watches kids in lounge because your hubby cant be arsed because he wants to play video games I think I smell a rat on this.post

@ZebraStripez

We spend weekends together as a family. It is a choice, and you choose to rest over spending time with your DH. Children are hard work. I can’t cope with being around people all the time. My weekend day is the only time I get by myself to do the things I actually enjoy. If we were together as a family I wouldn’t be spending time with DH - we’d both be supervising DC and being poked and pestered so neither of us would get a rest.

I know they’re hard work, I have three of them. I just don’t understand what you are both getting out of this marriage. You don’t spend any time together, and you talk to/about each other like you’re shit on each other’s shoes.

@ZebraStripez on your husband's day with the kids at the weekend is he using that time to either Zoom his mum/family or take the kids for a SD walk with them?

So what do you do on your rest day if you're not leaving the house?
Have a bath. Sit in the bedroom and enjoy not being poked by children. Read a book. Normal stuff. If my mum watches DC she sits in the lounge with them. DH usually goes in the spare bedroom and plays computer games

You have you're frail elderly mother who is too vulnerable to go out, come round you're home and watch 2 preschool when you have a bath read a book and youre dh plays games. She would be more vunerable by you're logic from dh who goes to work interacting with multiple people. I assumed you went to her home to see her. Do you not see the ironically in youre logic? That would be lot for someone in their 60s nm 80s. Are you really that lazy?

I say this to be helpful - I think YABU to say you are not responsible for zoom calls when you are home with the children. It wouldn't hurt you to ring during the say sometime, they are your (and more importantly, your kids') family too.

You really can only legally 'bubble' with a one-person household. That really is true. The concept of a 'bubble' was introduced so that people living on their own could have family members visit them. It wasn't so that two multi person households could meet together indoors if they so wished.

Sounds like OP's DH is the one who is rude to me: showing her private text to everyone at work and repeatedly telling her everyone hates her. That is nasty.

They were discussing coming over and he wasn’t telling them no. So I told them myself. He’s known for months that I’m isolating to protect myself and my mum and he’s failed to convey that.

It sounds like a real time whatsapp conversation where the others had no inkling of what you were thinking, and so your message was a bolt from the blue, worded without any regret, and ending with a very snippy line about your husband.

If it was a real time conversation with your husband in it too, I'm not surprised that things kicked off.

I've only read to the 9.32 am post and your husband is horrible.

Are you saying your children have not been out beyond your home and garden for 8 months?
We go for a walk. Go to the park when it’s empty. Play in the garden. Bake. Watch a film. Most places we’d normally go to are closed.

OP bear in mind too that there's a certain type of poster who comes on a thread with every single intention of making a snippy point to the OP, and if they can't see one, by god they'll find a reason by employing their Big Nitpicking Tool.

Op seriously you have youre frail mother as childcare? So you can have a day off their you're kids and you chosen to have more than one.

I completely understand that every parent needs a break but i don't know any parent that shuts off from family life one day per week every week.

Do you, your husband and your children ever do anything together? Go for a walk? Play in the garden? Board games?

ZebraStripez on your husband's day with the kids at the weekend is he using that time to either Zoom his mum/family or take the kids for a SD walk with them?
No. He either plays with toys in the house or gets my mum to babysit so he can play a computer game upstairs.

It wouldn't hurt you to ring during the say sometime
As I said, MIL is at work during the day. Outside of that, her son could ring her himself because he’s at home.

That would be lot for someone in their 60s nm 80s
I don’t ask her to babysit for me. It’s my day off - what DH does with DC or arranges for them is not my problem. If he rings my mum to babysit on his day and she agrees, that’s between them.

Wow.

With your first post I thought YANBU.
Then I read all your posts.

The text wording was abrupt at best and nasty at worst; your distain for your inlaws is apparent; there is no flexibility or accomodation for your husband's need to see family; you and your husband spend no time togather and seem to actively dislike each other. You don't seem all that keen on your children, in the way you talk about them, but I appreciate preschoolers are exhausting.

YABU and putting everyone's backs up unnecessarily.

Sunshinecake read a bit further on it doesn't make sense .the op us so bothered about her 80 year old mum she gas her come to her house while hubby is there who works everyday so therefore exposed to virus .so she is not that bothered about her mums health just detests the inlaws and her hubby and her sound like they dont even like each other much

Your final sentence sounds a bit off-hand and a wee bit passive-aggressive

I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him

But otherwise, your message is straightforward & to the point. Maybe it's a problem of not being able to communicate tone in a text - telephoning/speaking might have been better.

But your DH has behaved badly in this.

I've read all your comments and the replies and honestly I think you should move in with your mother, live there with your children, divorce your husband, no one sounds happy in this marriage. And prioritise getting help for your anxiety become having your children see you bleach the shopping etc is not right.

As a parent you don't get a day off I've never heard anything so absurd. You should be ashamed allowing youre mothering to babysit at her age.

@Winter2020

Hi OP, I haven’t been able to read every message but I have read all of yours.

Your decision not to see your partners family might be the right one but you should remember that you have unilaterally decided that while you can see your family (your mum) your partner cannot see theirs - unless he does it without you (without the children?) and wants the cold shoulder from you.

There is no “fair” in this Covid pandemic. Or rather what is “fair” may put the vulnerable at risk. If your partner has been staying away from his family for you he has been making a sacrifice for you. Now you are asking your partner and his family to make a huge sacrifice for you - to not see each other at Christmas - and you should remember that in how you treat them.

I think you should apologise for if your message upset your partners family. Perhaps send a nice card in the post.

Dear xxx
I’m sorry that my message to you came across as a little blunt. It was not my intention.

There are no winners in the current situation, it is very difficult to ask xxx not to spend time with you all this xmas, however I am reluctant to take any risks now that a vaccine should be just around the corner.

I am sorry I don’t feel able to meet up with you this Christmas but I am looking forward to a time very soon when we will be able to get together as normal.

I appreciate this puts (partner) in a difficult position and I am grateful for the sacrifices you are all making.

With love

I think this message that @Winter2020 suggests is a good way forward, @ZebraStripez.

I also saw your post earlier where you said:

"I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. The facts are the facts: they should logically agree that it’s more sensible to stay safe."

and

"Social interaction is a mystery to me. I’ve long suspected I may be on the autism spectrum but I don’t know for sure."

• and I would say this to you. Firstly - people's feelings are valid and real, and they are allowed to have them. This doesn't mean you have to pander to them but it does mean you need to acknowledge that other people are affected by their emotions and feelings, and it behoves all of us in society to be mindful of that - and maybe you need to learn to check your communications and soften them a bit. Using the 'bad news sandwich' that @Inpeace mentioned earlier in the thread could be a useful tool for you - you don't necessarily need to understand why someone might be upset by your directness - but softening the edges will make your life, and theirs, easier.

Secondly, with reference to social interaction - again, I suspect that there are tools you could learn that would enable you to read people a bit better, and to grease the wheels of communication - for your benefit and theirs.

However, I believe that your dp's actions and comments are very nasty - telling you 'this is why no-one likes you' even once is pretty horrible - doing it more than once is abusive.

It feels that you're sacrificing your whole family for your mother.

If my daughter was keeping my grandchildren isolated from all other adults and children for nine months for MY sake, I'd be absolutely horrified. I'd think she'd lost it. My grandchildren's mental health is far more important to me than the managed risk of Covid to myself. Your decision makes me shudder, OP.

Will your DH take your DC to see his side of the family?

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Why would anyone need quarantining? He goes to work every week day, so visiting his parents is no different. And the fact that you think you need your kids quaranting because they've actually seen someone after nine months, is just batshit.

Does your mum know you're making this decision, and it's for her sake?

Jesus op I dont ask her to babysit he does you know your 80 year old mum is coming to look after two toddlers while you read a book you really a selfish sod so much for thinking of your mum

This is the kind of thing to be discussed by phone rather than put in a text message. By putting in a text you are saying there is no room for discussion, what you says goes. You sent a text because that was easiest for you, not because it was the right thing to do.