To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Youre altering the narrative to suit. You can bubble with a vulnerable HOUSEHOLD not person. You admitted you can bubble with them at Christmas you dont want to. I suspect you're extremely difficult and I wouldnt be suprised if he leaves you, other youre behaviour.

Cheetas Fair point.

Your DH needs to grow a pair fast. It’s nearly December.

It doesn't sound a particularly healthy relationship
Absolutely not. It doesn’t even sound much like a relationship tbh, there’s no communication, no team working / partnership it’s very me and him.

I feel the kid/s have severely missed out during lockdown if you’ve never been anywhere, and no one is facilitating a relationship with their gps / family.

My autistic niece would say to me: WTF are you on about? I don’t know, it’s his business, he knows, of course they have to ask him.
Well that’s what I thought. I don’t know what he’s planning to do. I’m sick of asking him.

What do you mean “his day”? You’re saying he works full time till 7 all week then you check out of parenting completely for a whole day of the weekend?
On week days he works and I do childcare and housework on my own. I spend a lot of time playing with DC in the garden and teaching basics like numbers and colours because I’m conscious of missing out on nursery due to Covid. I also take sole responsibility for looking after DC during the night if there’s crying or nappies need changing, so DH can get his sleep for work. We share evenings and weekends - one day each at the weekend we both have a rest. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. DH often decides he can’t be arsed doing his day so he rings my mother to babysit.

On week days he works and I do childcare and housework on my own. I spend a lot of time playing with DC in the garden and teaching basics like numbers and colours because I’m conscious of missing out on nursery due to Covid. I also take sole responsibility for looking after DC during the night if there’s crying or nappies need changing, so DH can get his sleep for work. We share evenings and weekends - one day each at the weekend we both have a rest. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. DH often decides he can’t be arsed doing his day so he rings my mother to babysit

Do you spend any time together?
Do you like each other?
What do you both get out of this marriage?

I suspect after Christmas you wont have your problem much longer because if hubby has any sense he will move in with his parents permanently..

You can bubble with a vulnerable HOUSEHOLD not person
A one person household. Multi person households are not eligible to bubble.

You admitted you can bubble with them at Christmas you dont want to
I’ve stayed at home for months and given up everything to keep myself and others safe. I don’t want to risk it at this late stage. No, I don’t want to see them - or anyone else.

You have been visiting your uncle and aunts?? It isn't the self-imposed isolation you said at the beginning. I think where you spend Christmas and the tone of your text is the least of your problems. I think this lockdown has exposed the gulf between you and your DH. You aren't pulling as a team.

Do you spend any time together?
We don’t get the opportunity. He’s at work during the day. In the evening one of us has to put DC to bed which can take hours. At the weekend the only way either of us gets a break is if the other looks after DC. It’s not possible to book babysitters since March and restaurants etc are closed anyway.

@Eckhart

We do all interpret and project, but I think interpreting a 'fuck off' into a plain, clearly worded message is a projection too far. It might be reasonable to assume OP has had enough of talking about it, but putting anger and bad language into an interpretation is just drama.

We’ll have agree to differ then @Eckhart! I’m obviously not going to canvas all my work colleagues on who agrees with me like the OP’s husband did!! Even my use of saying it’s a “fuck off” - interpretation comes in there. One person’s “fuck off” is a massive reaction, to another it’s a more muted “oh do fuck off dear”. A 🤬 vs 🙄, if you will! I’m more on the second, which could be why o don’t feel I’m adding drama and you do!

The point is... if even one person (me) sees that phrase as rude, I think that’s helpful for the OP to see that how she means it, isn’t always how it will be read.

It’s really not the biggest issue here though.
I wouldn’t be arguing over text wording, when my husband was calling me a “selfish bitch”. My interpretation of course, but that’s up there with counselling or end it, for me.

So what do you do on your rest day if you're not leaving the house? And if DH decides to get your mum to babysit, are you all in the house but in separate rooms?

The family dynamic seems strange - if he works all week and you each do one day of parenting at the weekend, do you ever all spend time together?

You have been visiting your uncle and aunts?
No. I haven’t seen anyone except my mum since March. Under normal circumstances I visit my family but DH doesn’t come with me.

What’s rude is repeatedly
suggesting to someone (who is at risk and clearly wants to avoid Covid) that you’re going to pop around to see them. Highly presumptuous.

My dad tried to do this to me and essentially put the phone down on me when I politely declined.

My only modification would have been to say to my husband: ‘tell them ASAP about my plans and your own separate ones (if there are any), or I will’. Given him the choice of managing the situation.

Poor kids never doing anything as a family at weekends.

I think you'll be lucky if you're still with youre husband come next year op.

@ZebraStripez

Do you spend any time together? We don’t get the opportunity. He’s at work during the day. In the evening one of us has to put DC to bed which can take hours. At the weekend the only way either of us gets a break is if the other looks after DC. It’s not possible to book babysitters since March and restaurants etc are closed anyway.

Of course it is possible. DH works 7-7 in the week. We have 3 young children including a toddler who I am currently at home with full time. We spend weekends together as a family. It is a choice, and you choose to rest over spending time with your DH. Which is fine, but again makes me wonder what are you getting out of this marriage? Do you like each other?

So what do you do on your rest day if you're not leaving the house?
Have a bath. Sit in the bedroom and enjoy not being poked by children. Read a book. Normal stuff. If my mum watches DC she sits in the lounge with them. DH usually goes in the spare bedroom and plays computer games.

You've told them to ask your dh, but the thing is - they did. And then you've told them no. I'm not surprised people are annoyed.

And spending time together doesn’t mean going to restaurants. It sounds like you barely have a relationship at all.
It actually sounds like you despise each other.

Are you saying your children have not been out beyond your home and garden for 8 months?

@MedusasBadHairDay although obviously he doesn't get the option of taking the children to spend time with his parents when it's his turn.

If this is a snapshot of your marriage and what you think of your husband I think separation might be the answer.

@ZebraStripez have you been seeing your Dad and aunts and uncles this year? Have the DC seen them? Will you be seeing them at Christmas?

How old are the children?

I think you'll be lucky if you're still with youre husband come next year op

Lucky? Yeah, everyone dreams of a DH who tells you that everyone hates you.

@WouldBeGood

You don’t sound very well. You need some perspective. Even if you or your DM become unwell the chances of you dying are very small. The odds are great. Have you sought therapy?

Totally ignore this ^ @ZebraStripez

I think your DH is an arse and that your text was fine.

Do you mean that you parent together at weekends but each have a day where you might take an hour or two out? Or you each have a full day of being pretty much childfree?