To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

Go have Christmas with youre dm op at her place and leave youre poor dh and dc spend Christmas with his family that way you can quarantine before you return instead of putting everyone else out.

The last bit
" I don’t know if DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself, you’ll have to ask him”.
Sounds snippy and aggressive to me.

I'd have finished with - "maybe you and DH can arrange to meet up with the kids, outside for a walk or something else socially distanced?"
sounds far friendlier but still reinforces the point.

Would you all really be fine if your partner was so dismissive towards your family?
He doesn’t bother with my family. Hasn’t seen my father in years. Doesn’t come with me when I go to visit uncle and aunts. I mostly see my mum during the week when he’s at work - unless he asks her to come at the weekend and watch DC because he can’t be arsed to do childcare when it’s his day. I couldn’t care less - they’re not his family?

Even if you CAN bubble with multiple households, doesn’t mean it’s SAFE and you SHOULD
Yes. I CAN bubble with MIL. I just don’t want to. Because it’s not safe and introduces an unnecessary risk. They’ve been going all over the place and doing illegal and unnecessary things.

you don’t give a shit what he’s doing, you’ve decided what you’re doing and everyone else can fuck off
Yes. I’m entitled to make my own decision when it comes to my own safety. I’m not going to be railroaded into doing something I feel is unsafe and unwise. DH can equally make his own decision, I don’t expect him to follow me.

Are you asking here so that you know how to proceed or to reinforce the idea that you acted rationally so you don’t need to do anything now and can leave things as they stand?
Both. I wanted to check if DH is right and I’ve been rude, or if I’m correct in thinking that my text was fine and they’re just over reacting. I have a history of being unintentionally rude but they also have a history of going in the huff for nothing.

Your inlaws are probably sad at not seeing much of your DC, when other granny gets frequent and full access
MIL isn’t elderly and she lives with FIL so we can’t bubble with her anyway. I don’t make the Covid rules. Yes there could have been more SD visits and Zoom chats but it’s not up to me to facilitate that. If their son is too lazy to arrange it that’s not my fault.

In my opinion, the exact phrase, “you’ll have to ask him” is code for, “fuck off and stop bothering me, I’m fed up with being involved in.”

And it might be fair enough to feel that way!

But I would definitely read that in a less friendly tone. An irritated tone, and quite petulant.

My autistic niece would say to me: WTF are you on about? I don’t know, it’s his business, he knows, of course they have to ask him. And be mystified at why I think it’s abrupt and snippy. Of course, as family who know and love her, we wouldn’t judge that text from her in the same way at all.

If you are like my niece, I would expect your husband to know you well enough to know whether the text was rude or not. Of course, just because my niece is direct and mystified by nuance, doesn’t mean she isn’t sometimes quite deliberately rude!

Even if your husband does know your style isn’t rudeness, I expect he’s reached the end of his tether. It can be exhausting to live with someone with health anxiety - add Covid into that and BAM!

I’m not trying to say “oh poor him” alone. I’m sure you’ve reached the end of your tether too.

I think there’s no point in arguing whether the text was rude or not... but to concentrate instead on how to salvage your marriage.

I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings

There's no mystery about why you feel you're not liked. That will be the reason. It's not pandering, either. It's having a bit of compassion and consideration.

@AllsortsofAwkward

Go have Christmas with youre dm op at her place and leave youre poor dh and dc spend Christmas with his family that way you can quarantine before you return instead of putting everyone else out.

Perfect solution for everyone. After all, OP’s Mum has seen her grandkids throughout so no big deal not to see them at Christmas.

If their son is too lazy to arrange it that’s not my fault.

It's your attitude!!! You could say 'it's not my responsibility' and leave it at that but no, you have to get it a dig about laziness. Your tone seems bitter and quite toxic from here...

You are right. Text wording is fine. Do not let them in your house.

Yes there could have been more SD visits and Zoom chats but it’s not up to me to facilitate that. If their son is too lazy to arrange it that’s not my fault.

Spectacularly missing the point.

Yes there could have been more SD visits and Zoom chats but it’s not up to me to facilitate that. If their son is too lazy to arrange it that’s not my fault.

If he had arranged any SD visits would you have insisted he had to quarantine himself and the kids?

Op, their son, your DH has been working throughout to facilitate you isolating yourself but you're calling him lazy. Maybe if he'd packed in his job he'd of been able to facilitate SD visits and zoom calls but you wouldn't of been happy with that either would you.

Are you from Yorkshire, OP?

To be blunt OP it sounds like you dislike your DH and your in laws, and that your DH dislikes you and your family.
What do you get out of this marriage?

unless he asks her to come at the weekend and watch DC because he can’t be arsed to do childcare when it’s his day.

What do you mean “his day”? You’re saying he works full time till 7 all week then you check out of parenting completely for a whole day of the weekend?

Youre quite capable of going to youre dms for Christmas. Have you been seeing youre aunties and uncles aswell? The massive drip through shows how difficult and unreasonable you've been.

In my opinion, the exact phrase, “you’ll have to ask him” is code for, “fuck off and stop bothering me, I’m fed up with being involved in

And it might be fair enough to feel that way

Well, if you say 'blue' I think it might be code for 'red', and it might be fair enough to feel that way. It'd be a bit ridiculous though, wouldn't it, and a hell of a projection of my own colour-crap onto your simple stating of an uncomplicated thing. In short, I'd be making a fool of myself, and making a disagreement out of nothing.

Surely it makes more sense to interpret 'You'll have to ask him' as meaning 'You'll have to ask him', rather than projecting a load of negative crap onto it?

Yeah thats a point he works all week and then he has a day off and youre elderly mother who's so poorly watches the dc, where are you you're not working.

@CheetasOnFajitas

unless he asks her to come at the weekend and watch DC because he can’t be arsed to do childcare when it’s his day.

What do you mean “his day”? You’re saying he works full time till 7 all week then you check out of parenting completely for a whole day of the weekend?

Tbf the op looks after the kids on her own until 7pm every day, so it's fair to expect DH to do his fair share of parenting.

In the world of give and take, have you done anything that would equate to your DP's decision to bubble with you and your DM and not see his DM and family?
He hasn’t made a decision to bubble with us. It’s not like we picked my mum out of an array of options. She’s the only single person we could bubble with. We couldn’t bubble with any of his family as they’re all in multi person households. I’m not stopping him seeing his family. I’m saying I’m not having contact with them. Not just them - I’m not having contact with anyone. I’m entitled to make that decision.

So he works until 7pm but you wouldn't facilitate a Zoom call between MIL and DC either during the day or in the evening?
MIL is at work herself until approximately that time. She’s 25 years younger than my mother. In the evening DH could Zoom her himself if he was that bothered. If she’s not available to Zoom him then she’s not available to Zoom me either.

You wouldn't join a Zoom quiz with his DM and said you'd go upstairs
We tried having a Zoom quiz but the toddler was too boisterous and just kept ripping up the quiz sheet and screaming and climbing on us. He ended up crying because DH put him on the naughty step. I’ve offered to play upstairs so DH can Zoom in peace but I’m still the bad guy for not participating.

havent rtft but at the origin of this there may be a little bit of dislike to each other.

@Eckhart

In my opinion, the exact phrase, “you’ll have to ask him” is code for, “fuck off and stop bothering me, I’m fed up with being involved in

And it might be fair enough to feel that way

Well, if you say 'blue' I think it might be code for 'red', and it might be fair enough to feel that way. It'd be a bit ridiculous though, wouldn't it, and a hell of a projection of my own colour-crap onto your simple stating of an uncomplicated thing. In short, I'd be making a fool of myself, and making a disagreement out of nothing.

Surely it makes more sense to interpret 'You'll have to ask him' as meaning 'You'll have to ask him', rather than projecting a load of negative crap onto it?

@Eckhart but we do all interpret and project. I didn’t say that the OP was definitely rude because that is how I would interpret it. In fact in the unquoted part of my same text I explained that my niece wouldn’t mean to be rude in saying that, and that OP’s husband ought to know her well enough to know whether she was rude or not.

I didn’t post saying - this is how I would interpret it, so OP you are in the wrong and rude. I posted to explain why I would see it as rude, as an insight that might help the OP in a standoff about whether it was rude or not. This thread shows that it can be interpreted both ways.

I think it’s helpful for the OP to consider that people do interpret differently. Hence concluding that there’s no point in fighting out whether this one text was rude or not - but instead to concentrate on what to do about her marriage as a whole. She’s clearly not happy, beyond the meaning of this one text.

It doesn't sound a particularly healthy relationship, what with him calling you a B*tch as well.

Is it worth it? As my mother would say though "six of one and half a dozen of the other."

Tbf the op looks after the kids on her own until 7pm every day, so it's fair to expect DH to do his fair share of parenting.

@MedusasBadHairDay saying he has one weekend day when OP is not available is not “doing his fair share” though. They both have full time jobs- hers is childcare, his is his job. So the fairest way would be to share childcare at the weekend like most couples do who both work full time.

Go have Christmas with your dm op at her place and leave your poor dh and dc spend Christmas with his family that way you can quarantine before you return instead of putting everyone else out.

Perfect solution for everyone. After all, OP’s Mum has seen her grandkids throughout so no big deal not to see them at Christmas.

Yes!! This. There you go OP. Everyone happy

We do all interpret and project, but I think interpreting a 'fuck off' into a plain, clearly worded message is a projection too far. It might be reasonable to assume OP has had enough of talking about it, but putting anger and bad language into an interpretation is just drama.