To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

YABU and really very selfish. As long as you're happy, fuck his plans and his family.

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.
Maybe having decided not to work yourself you should be a bit more supportive of his? Anyone who not only gives as little fucks about their partner as you do but seems quite proud of that approach should be actively planning for the single life so it doesn’t come as a shock.

@Billben

Yes, I’m inclined to agree with you. If he did, they were probably only saying what he wanted to hear anyway, as why would they even care enough? Whether he did or didn’t, it was very unkind to make her think he’d shared her text with all and sundry.

Also- you could have avoided a text being misinterpreted by just picking up the phone and talking to the PILs about the situation. I do this at work- email the difficult clients or colleagues in order to avoid talking to them. It is cop-out behaviour and not on in a family context.

Will your DH take your DC to see his side of the family?
@ZebraStripez He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Any sympathy I had for your position went when I read that as you obviously have no empathy for your DH, DCs and his family's situation. You aren't the only person who counts in your family OP.

So he works until 7pm but you wouldn't facilitate a Zoom call between MIL and DC either during the day or in the evening? You wouldn't join a Zoom quiz with his DM and said you'd go upstairs. Have you made any effort over the last eight months with your in laws? In the world of give and take, have you done anything that would equate to your DP's decision to bubble with you and your DM and not see his DM and family? When COVID is over, do you have other reasons ready to make no effort with the in laws?

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

And people on here think your DH is the one gaslighting. Ok

You don’t like your in-laws. Your message was uncaring at best, rude at worst. Your DH is right about the last sentence, you’ve made it sound like you’re not a couple and you couldn’t care less what he does. YABU.

Derbee Its quite clear she hates her inlaws doesnt engage in zoom quizzes or encourage her dc to zoom their grandparents and is putting obstacles in the way if he takes his dc to see his parents, but he doesn't have to quarantine if he sees them on his own. Hes the breadwinner so taking time off will hit them fincially not to meantion if he will be able to get leave. Op sounds the abusive controlling one,the fact others have said they don't like her suggests to me that she's not a perciularly likeable person and that she is often difficult and puts the needs of her own above others.

Wow OP you really don't like his family, thats probably why they don't like you either.

Why don't you a do a zoom call as a family, why don't you get involved?

Settle down @worried234 - that's totally unnecessary.

Without any judgments about whose fault it is but your relationship sounds like a horrible way to live. There is no affection or love coming through on either side only contempt and resentment - that cannot be just from the coronavirus as you dont seem to like each other at all.

I feel like you dont want to go and he knows it.

She is not just his mother (typed dripping with contempt). She is also your childrens' grandmother. Are you really not bothering to facilitate any contact when DH is at work til 7 - on principle? I understand not getting bogged down with the wifework, so-called, of sending all the birthday cards but it's a 5-minute zoom call!

Wonder if OP is a little relieved that covid has given an excuse not to see DH's family? Did you make much effort with them prior to lockdown OP?

You sort of had me up until quarantining your DC away from you if they saw your ILs. How ridiculous - your know full well that ultimatum stops your DH taking them to his DPs.
Your poor DC stuck in the middle of this mess.

For balance, he shouldn’t have shown people the message and to say no one likes you is harsh.

But, still, YABU.

@Quartz2208 I agree, their relationship sounds like a total nightmare way to live.

@AllsortsofAwkward that may be so. But I still agree that the fewer people gathering the better, when her mother is elderly and vulnerable.

Haven’t read all the Zoom, GC things (another thread?) but I think it’s ok to want to protect her mum. The wording of the text, and her attitude towards her husband isn’t good. But the concept of putting her mum first for now, is fine in my opinion

I think you should try and consider pandering to feelings a bit. Anxiety is a feeling. We should all try to be empathetic a bit. You don't have to do anything differently but you could try to be nice. It's obvious you're annoyed with your husband and that's coloured your tone.

[quote Derbee]@AllsortsofAwkward that may be so. But I still agree that the fewer people gathering the better, when her mother is elderly and vulnerable.

Haven’t read all the Zoom, GC things (another thread?) but I think it’s ok to want to protect her mum. The wording of the text, and her attitude towards her husband isn’t good. But the concept of putting her mum first for now, is fine in my opinion[/quote]
This thread. Click on “see all” under the OP @Derbee to see all OP’s posts.

if they go to school they exposed everyday anyway

She said they were preschool age @aprilanne. She has taken them out of preschool to protect her mother.

I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings

It's never too late to learn ........

The last sentence of your text was rude