To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

It’s not unreasonable at all, and your text was not nasty by any stretch.

As others have said, you have a DH problem.

* Is this the first time he’s told you other people don’t like you for instance?*

‘No, he does it regularly. To be fair I’ve said it myself: I don’t know why people don’t like me. But he says it in a nasty way.’

In that case, he is being abusive, I’m sorry. He’s the worst kind of bully and he’s also isolating you by convincing you that no one likes you.

I've read your updates. I dont think your text sounds cold just factual, and if they know that's what you're like in real life it's a bit off if they're suddenly reading things into it that arent there.

Your husband sounds like he is acting like an absolute dick about all of this to be honest.

Letting his family thinking they can come round against your wishes, showing private texts to everyone at work, accusing you of being selfish, and telling you nobody likes you all because of a text that just clarifies what's going on, is a massive over reaction. Would he rather they turned up and you turned them away? To be honest I think the reason they have blocked you is because of him and what he has said to them, some sort of 'she's being a bitch and doesn't want us to have a nice christmas' bollocks. I'd be very angry with him. Did he really think youd want to mix with high risk people after shielding all year, without even discussing it with you? Has the stress of this year and the emotion of missing his family at Christmas got to him or is he normally a twat about discussing your arguments with his colleagues etc?

They presumed they’d be our bubble without asking. Unless DH has gone behind my back and led them to believe they are, which is unacceptable because our family comprises five households, not just his relatives.

But if you've already let them know you are in a support bubble with your mum, which counts as one of the three allowed households in the Christmas bubbles, then it's not unreasonable for them to assume that they would count towards at least one of the other 2 allowed households?

With the vaccine imminent, our family have decided to make up for lost time once both our DMs have had their vaccinations and have belated Christmas celebrations.

On Christmas Day itself we’ll be wishing each other ‘Happy Christmas’ over Zoom.

But whatever you decide, the problem here is that the OP and her DH aren’t on the same page, and her DH is being nasty to her about it.

Your inlaws are probably sad at not seeing much of your DC, when other granny gets frequent and full access. Good reason yes, but fair enough that they will feel sad about it. Do you or your DH make an effort to video call them and keep them involved in your child/children’s lives?

OP: I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings

But you are very offended when people don't pander to yours it appears

Even if not in each others houses, but at a distance, or via zoom
It’s not up to me to facilitate his mother’s access to her grandchildren. If he can’t be bothered to zoom her then I don’t see why I should. I’ve suggested repeatedly that he should take DC upstairs and zoom his mum so DC can chat and show her their toys etc, but he hasn’t. I’ve offered to play upstairs with DC so he can have quiet to do a family zoom quiz, but he declined and was angry because I wasn’t participating in the quiz.

Will your DH take your DC to see his side of the family?
He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

@Mittens030869

* Is this the first time he’s told you other people don’t like you for instance?*

‘No, he does it regularly. To be fair I’ve said it myself: I don’t know why people don’t like me. But he says it in a nasty way.’

In that case, he is being abusive, I’m sorry. He’s the worst kind of bully and he’s also isolating you by convincing you that no one likes you.

Is it really being the worst kind of abusive bully to tell his partner that people aren't going to like you for sending (entirely self-interested) messages like that?

When OP say's all hell has broken lose that's not really supported by the actions. MIL chose to discontinue the conversation she didn't send anything rude in response and the other people (presumably also DH's family) haven't commented.

Would you all really be fine if your partner was so dismissive towards your family?

It’s not up to me to facilitate his mother’s access to her grandchildren. If he can’t be bothered to zoom her then I don’t see why I should. I’ve suggested repeatedly that he should take DC upstairs and zoom his mum so DC can chat and show her their toys etc, but he hasn’t. I’ve offered to play upstairs with DC so he can have quiet to do a family zoom quiz, but he declined and was angry because I wasn’t participating in the quiz.

Wow. You really dislike his family don’t you?
And yet he is restricting his life significantly to protect your Mum.

Do you want to make amends with your in laws? Do you feel sad or angry that they’ve blocked you? Or a mixture of both? Are you asking here so that you know how to proceed or to reinforce the idea that you acted rationally so you don’t need to do anything now and can leave things as they stand?

You sound like a nightmare and clearly dont like youre inlaws. I would be divorce you if I was youre dh its youre way or no way

Hi OP,
I haven’t been able to read every message but I have read all of yours.

Your decision not to see your partners family might be the right one but you should remember that you have unilaterally decided that while you can see your family (your mum) your partner cannot see theirs - unless he does it without you (without the children?) and wants the cold shoulder from you.

There is no “fair” in this Covid pandemic. Or rather what is “fair” may put the vulnerable at risk. If your partner has been staying away from his family for you he has been making a sacrifice for you. Now you are asking your partner and his family to make a huge sacrifice for you - to not see each other at Christmas - and you should remember that in how you treat them.

I think you should apologise for if your message upset your partners family. Perhaps send a nice card in the post.

Dear xxx
I’m sorry that my message to you came across as a little blunt. It was not my intention.

There are no winners in the current situation, it is very difficult to ask xxx not to spend time with you all this xmas, however I am reluctant to take any risks now that a vaccine should be just around the corner.

I am sorry I don’t feel able to meet up with you this Christmas but I am looking forward to a time very soon when we will be able to get together as normal.

I appreciate this puts (partner) in a difficult position and I am grateful for the sacrifices you are all making.

With love

People don't like you because of the way you behave to others youre contempt for youre inlaws is astounding on this thread. You can bubble with youre inlaws for Christmas toure vulnerable bubble with youre mother is classified as the same household as youres, its on the government website, you just dont want to.

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Why would your dc have to quarantine after seeing the in-laws but your DH can see them on his own and not have to quarantine?

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Wow. So he doesn't really get a choice as he's the sole earner? Do you genuinely not see how not getting to see her grandkids face to face might have upset your MIL leading to her reaction? Or why your DH might be frustrated with this set up?

I think the idea of not seeing them, and protecting your mum is the correct one.

I think if they all wanted to get together, then it is a bit of a shame that you can’t. A bit of soft wording (doesn’t need to be fake) wouldn’t have hurt.

And I would be oissed off with the last sentence if I was your DH, or his family. It sounds cold, unfriendly, and like you don’t give a shit what he’s doing, you’ve decided what you’re doing and everyone else can fuck off. That’s how I’d take the last sentence

The worst thing here is your DH’s behaviour. He really doesn’t have your back in any way. Showing your text to his work colleagues is completely out of order; he’s showing himself to be an immature bully.

You know what, I doubt he showed the message to his colleagues. He is just lying about it trying to make OP feel like she is a horrible person.

Does he like you? It doesn't much sound like it. That's a big problem. He is of course part of a "nobody..." statement. He sounds cruel.

@AllsortsofAwkward

People don't like you because of the way you behave to others youre contempt for youre inlaws is astounding on this thread. You can bubble with youre inlaws for Christmas toure vulnerable bubble with youre mother is classified as the same household as youres, its on the government website, you just dont want to.

That’s a totally ridiculous comment. Even if you CAN bubble with multiple households, doesn’t mean it’s SAFE and you SHOULD.

Protecting her elderly and vulnerable mother as well as she can, should clearly be the priority.

* Is it really being the worst kind of abusive bully to tell his partner that people aren't going to like you for sending (entirely self-interested) messages like that?*

That isn’t what he did, though, is it? He told her that he’d shown her text to his work colleagues and they all thought she was nasty. How is that not bullying?

I’m not saying that the text isn’t overly blunt, and yes a lot of people would consider it rude, especially the last sentence. But her DH’s response was totally unnecessary.

You’ve obviously got a real my family/his family vibe going in here. Very very sad. You know what OP? I wasn’t lucky enough to have a Mum who lived to almost eighty like yours. Mine died before my son was born, and she only met my now DH twice. His parents are younger than mine were and in better health. When we got married I was delighted to feel part of a family again and for my son to have grandparents and I don’t see “his side” as only his family. They are our family so if my son has something to show Granny when DH is at work then I’ll Skype her myself. Or WhatsApp her about things that would interest her and me but are of less interest to her son.

I’d like to think I’d still do that even if my own parents were alive though. Have you considered that perhaps your extreme anxiety for your mother’s health is leaving you no headspace to think of your husband’s parents as your family too?

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Wow this is absolutely appalling OP.

He's had to earn all the money all year, you said yourself he's the only one at his place of work who hasn't had time off, and he has to quarantine for 2 weeks if he wants to see his own parents?!! When you've locked your whole family away indefinitely so that you can see yours?

You are being so unbelievably selfish and coming up with every excuse you can as to why it's acceptable. Please don't blame your rudeness on 'possible autism', that's really offensive.

@dairyswim

He can do what he likes. Of course he’ll then need to take two weeks off work to quarantine DC away from me.

Why would your dc have to quarantine after seeing the in-laws but your DH can see them on his own and not have to quarantine?

OP is probably making him live in the basement.