To have sent this text?

[ZebraStripez]

My mum (approaching 80, poor health) is our bubble. I’ve told DH repeatedly that my mum and I won’t be socialising till we’re vaccinated. But his family are discussing us coming for Christmas and saying they’re going to drop in on us and he’s not telling them no.

So I texted that we’re my mums support bubble and she’s too vulnerable to risk socialising before she’s vaccinated, and also I’m nervous about my own health because I have several risk factors. We haven’t been out since March so we plan to continue isolating until we’re vaccinated. Perhaps DH is planning a socially distanced visit by himself over Christmas.

All hell has kicked off. MIL has left the conversation and blocked me. Everyone else has stopped replying. DH is furious at me for sending such a nasty text and being selfish because I don’t want to see them.

AIBU? I genuinely don’t know. The text sounds fine to me but I don’t trust my own judgement based on how everyone else has kicked off. DH insists he’s shown my text to “everyone at work” and they’ve all said how horrible it is so that proves I’m nasty.

@WidowTwonky

And these questions like - ‘have you stopped the DC seeing the GPS since March’...depending on their tier then they’ve legally not been allowed to meet anyway

True, but it's also possible they could have seen them. Even if not in each others houses, but at a distance, or via zoom. And I think that would influence how upset the in laws are, if they were technically able to see the kids but hadn't been allowed to by the OP.

This isn't to say the OP didn't have valid reasons, but might go some way to explain the OTT reaction from the in laws.

If a person has an issue with their partner, why would they need to bolster their opinion with what 'everybody' thinks, or how 'everybody' agrees with them?

Considering how popular AIBU is, I'm guessing loads. Threads on here are full of "show your DH this thread".

@WidowTwonky

And these questions like - ‘have you stopped the DC seeing the GPS since March’...depending on their tier then they’ve legally not been allowed to meet anyway

You have no idea what tier they’re in. And they very easily could have met for a socially distanced walk or meeting.

Irrespective of all the grocery bleaching and gloved envelope opening, it would be incredibly shit if the OP had withheld the children from seeing their grandparents for 8 months because of her own anxieties. If that is what’s happened.

I suppose one could understand why your DH is upset and his family as you have made clear they are not important. your text was blunt and you ended it bluntly by suggesting they message your DH etc etc

Please dont try and suggest you have autism just because your blunt and rude.

Did you discuss sending that message with your DH or was his views ignored too

families at Christmas eh. this sort of thing will be going on A LOT this year.

Now I know why my mother never cared for Christmas. The trouble it causes! I prefer Easter: much lighter, brighter time of year and it carries none of the same conventional obligations. Win-win for me.

You say that you’re not one for ‘pandering to feelings’ and that ‘facts are facts’. That’s fair enough but you then go on to say that you have health anxiety. What is anxiety but a whole lot of feelings?

If you have anxious feelings that cause you stress and upset maybe consider that other people can be affected by their feelings in different ways. Sometimes we need to sugar coat things to avoid hurting people.

@YoniAndGuy

Oh, and -

The Op sounds very difficult to live with with this extreme behaviour.

NO SHE FUCKING DOESN'T.

What OP hasn't done is tiptoe around and pander pander pander to a frankly unpleasant sounding man. And has actually stuck to her line, and after REPEATED warnings, done what usually everyone on a thread urges an OP stuck like this to do and taken charge herself in making clear to other people what she's ok with happening.

Every single element of this - she hasn't done a thing wrong.

Told her DH to sort it and talk to his relatives first - nope, he was hoping to stall and bulldoze her.

Made CLEAR what she was ok with - he didn't want to listen.

Has absolutely fair and ok reasons for wanting that - no she doesn't hate his mum, yes she has EVERY RIGHT and even a duty to look after her mum once they'd agreed to bubble, and stick to it. The DH? Couldn't give a shit about her mum,but she's not allowed to even speak plainly to his... riiiiight.

Been polite in a text. Not fluffy and hesitating and unclear, mind you. Apparently that would have been better... riiiiight x 2

Been clear that she wasn't stopping her DH doing what he felt was right for HIS family. Oh but apparently once again this should have been handled with triple kid gloves and turning herself inside fucking out not to make it clear that actually, once again he's REFUSED to engage about the whole thing. Ooops! Can't possibly have the menz being shown up to be arseholes, can we? Wifey fail!!!

Meanwhile, let's look at the DH behaviour.

-Has ignored OP asking to sort this.
-Goes ballistic at the ENTIRELY FACTUAL text

• Was fully intending to try and bulldoze OP and override her mum's needs despite being happy to be in the bubble.
• Slates OP to his work friends

-Is abusive, aggressive and insulting to OP.

He's a fucking dick and OP deserves better.

This. Yes. Well summarized.

Please dont try and suggest you have autism just because your blunt and rude.

OP is not blunt and rude. She's direct. There's a difference. A PP made the point (and I agree) that some people really can't seem to stand it when a woman's language isn't tentative or peppered with apologetic disclaimers. No similar protestations are made about the discourse of men.

@AlternativePerspective

It’s interesting isn’t it that the majority of messages on this thread seem to be against the OP, yet the pole is overwhelmingly in her favour....

Possibly because people vote in the poll having just read the OP and not the on going discussion. I presume her husband is going to work every day and mixing with others so how are they managing that? Is the OP working and mixing with others outside the home? M

So how to repair this now... Could you text them (run it by DH first perhaps) something like " Sorry my text came across a bit off, As you know I meant that I want to continue shielding my mum and am nervous about having people over. DH is still deciding what he wants to do and will let you know when he'll be seeing you. I'm really looking forward to seeing you all in the New Year when we've been vaccinated. "

I'm a bit socially awkward myself and spend a long time re-reading texts as I can mess up with my tone when I text without trying to conform to normal, more diplomatic language. Your DH IS dithering about and it is true he hasn't told you or them when he will be seeing them.

There are 4 weeks to go though and who knows if your town may go into Tier 3 by then and you won't be allowed, end of argument.

She's already said she gave up work.

You know what - I think the worst bit of the text was about whether DH is "planning a socially distanced visit". How patronising is that?

There are 4 weeks to go though and who knows if your town may go into Tier 3 by then and you won't be allowed, end of argument.

What do you mean? Everyone gets the Christmas 3-household allowance. All tiers.

@dairyswim

Considering how popular AIBU is, I'm guessing loads

Yes, I don't think it's wrong to check with someone if you're perceiving what has been said correctly. I do think it's wrong to use another person's opinion as a way to convince your partner that they are a) wrong or b) (much worse) nasty

Do whatever you like to confirm your own opinion, but only argue your point using your own opinion otherwise it's immediately (at least) 2 against 1, and introduces a person or people into the argument that can't be debated with. An unassailable. Who is on your side. It's just dirty tactics and it squashes egos.

I’ve voted YABU because either (1) you didn’t word it the way you have said you had or (2) there is a massive backstory here. Or both.

Just don’t get why you’d point out things like the fact you haven’t been out since March when surely they’d know that. And that you have other risk factors... again, they’d know that. A message to family would usually go more alone the lines of “it’s just too risky for both me and mum so I’ll be avoiding everyone, sorry! We’ll find a way DH can visit.”

YABU - I'm with your DH im afraid. Your text is rude and abrupt. If he says 'this is why no one likes you' - you obviously have form for snippy texts like that. It costs nothing to be kind OP and you could have been a lot more reasonable in your text

Hopefully your DH doesn't miss out on seeing HIS family because of your health anxieties

@ZebraStripez As I read through your posts I began to wonder about Autism. I have a daughter who was finally diagnosed at age 43. She says the diagnosis has helped her immensely to understand various things about herself. It seems to me that your biggest problem is that your husband is disloyal to you. He and his family must surely have realised before now that this is the way you think and speak, and even if autism hasn't entered their heads, it is unkind of them to gang up on you in this way.
Years ago, I felt very uneasy with a woman whose first language was not English. I realised afterwards it was because she was very direct. She said "Give me the directions to your house" when I probably would have said "Do you think you could let me have some directions, so I can find your house?" Her way of talking put my back up, even before I met her, but actually she became a dear friend, and later she told me she thought it was sweet that her daughter learned to say please and thank you at my house, because in her language they don't have those words.

I think there's two of you in it, here.

Your health anxiety has taken over your family life for six months, and is clearly likely to for many more.

Bleaching the groceries is hugely over the top and illogical, particularly when your husband is mixing with people every day and you presumably let him touch you and things around the house. Do you allow him to kiss you on the lips ever? Because frankly that's probably more of a "risk" than putting a Domino's leaflet in the recyling with your bare hands.

"I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings." - this is just like those people who say stuff like "I say it like I see it" or "take me as you find me" etc - what you're actually saying is that you KNOW you are routinely rude and hurtful, and you don't mind. Is it possible that you have some difficulties with this? Reading people, understanding their emotions?

"Pandering to feelings" is what makes us human. It's how we have relationships with people, from the playground to the UN.

Re-read the post above about the "bad news sandwich" - it was excellent advice.

Your DH was a jerk to you, and was massively out of order, especially with the "this is why nobody likes you" comment, which was really hurtful and petty. HOWEVER it's impossible for us to tell if he is generally a jerk, or if he is a nice man truly at the end of his tether with the extreme behaviour his wife has been displaying this year, and can't keep his mouth shut any more.

I'm sure he loves his mother-in-law, and wants her to be protected, but you seem to be using her as an excuse to shut down your entire life, your career (there therefore your financial future), your family relations.

I think this might be a good time to start some "pandering to feelings", and checking in with your husband and your relationship.

OP, are there other examples of his gaslighting like this? Is this the first time he’s told you other people don’t like you for instance?

How do you know it’s gaslighting? Maybe people don’t like her, she’s coming across as pretty unlikeable to me.
I find most ‘don’t do pandering’, ‘telling it like it is’ types of people are in general just rude, and consequently unpleasant to be around.
Th

I was going to say YANBU but having read your update I've seen you have young DC so I can understand why your MIL and family have been more upset about your blunt handling of the situation, it's not only adults involved. You could at least have offered an olive branch and say you understand its disappointing not to see family over Christmas and that you look forward to seeing them in spring once vaccinated. Your text is only about your wants for yourself and your mum. I totally understand why you've made the decision healthwise but the way you've worded it is inflammatory.

If the shoe were on the other foot and DH was bubbled with his Mum would you be happy if he'd text your family in the same manner?

Will your DH take your DC to see his side of the family?

I think if the OP has health anxiety it’s pretty understandable that she now suspects she has autism for typing a direct text. It’s a shame women aren’t aloud to be direct without it being seen as a health problem.

allowed

if I were to send that particular text, saying no to seeing his family at Christmas, he wouldn’t be happy because that was up to him to do
Yes. But he failed to do it for months and it had got to the point where it was causing me anxiety so I did it myself.

Are you WFH?
No. DH works till 7pm and isn’t willing or able to adjust that. He couldn’t step up and do childcare when nurseries closed, bubbles popped, DC had to isolate, etc. So we agreed I’d stay at home temporarily and handle all childcare. DH is the only one of his colleagues who hasn’t had to take any time off for family reasons.

Dropping in uninvited over Christmas has never been a part of the rules anyway
They presumed they’d be our bubble without asking. Unless DH has gone behind my back and led them to believe they are, which is unacceptable because our family comprises five households, not just his relatives.

Is this the first time he’s told you other people don’t like you for instance?
No, he does it regularly. To be fair I’ve said it myself: I don’t know why people don’t like me. But he says it in a nasty way.

@Eckhart I agree with you but there are lots of threads where the OP is advised to show the DH the thread (this one included) to demonstrate how lots of other people think he is wrong so people obviously think it's ok to do.

Personally if someone told me that "X agrees with me", I'd tell them I couldn't give a flying fuck what X or anyone else thinks but I understand some people might take it to heart. I don't think it's gas lighting or abusive. I think it's a mean thing to say but it doesn't mean that the OP should not consider her DH's opinion on Christmas. It's his house too.

I just read the posts about autism, and I admit that it flitted across my mind as I read your posts, but honestly - you're a grown woman of about 40, and even if social interactions are a mystery, you should have learned to copy language by now and match your communications to the way your inlaws interact with each other.

Social interaction is NOT my forte, and this is what I do. I draw the line at babe/hon, but I can speak/write for my "audience" pretty accurately for the most part (with some EPIC fails along the way, admittedly).

you think little for their feelings or perspectives. I’ve never been one for pandering to feelings. The facts are the facts: they should logically agree that it’s more sensible to stay safe.
Ok: some facts for you. It’s normal to have to do something and ALSO regret that it means you can’t see people and tell them it’s a shame. Nothing ‘faux’ about it.
You are in a bubble with your mum and your dh not with his. This is not equal although for good reason. A little more sympathy for it could go a long way with both your dh and his family. Sometimes life is a bit shit for me, sometimes it is for dh, all due to circumstances and life stages but we both bloody well expect the other to care.

Social skills cost nothing.
I don’t really have those. Social interaction is a mystery to me. I’ve long suspected I may be on the autism spectrum but I don’t know for sure.
Many many people on the spectrum work very hard to relate to others because they recognise it’s upsetting to others. You ... married this guy but don’t seem to care. It would have been so easy to make that text a little kinder but you couldn’t be arsed. Saying I might be on the spectrum is not the same thing as saying I’m a bit of an asshole.