My friend is sleeping with a married man

[Isabelle2457]

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

@Thewithesarehere

And telling someone anonymously is just as much gaslighting as having an affair. Making an anonymous statement essentially ensures that the wife will doubt everyone in her circle, will wonder who it was, will likely never trust anyone again because she won’t know who knew and will always be left wondering. This is quite a large dose of hyperbole and drama.

It's also entirely true.

Tell the wife. I would ask my 'friend' first to tell the wife but if she refused to, I would be prepared to tell the wife myself. Give your friend the opportunity to do the right thing within a time limit - if she chooses not to, well, would you really want someone like that as a friend?

This is quite a large dose of hyperbole and drama. And sending an anonymous letter and standing back waiting for the fallout is what exactly?

Will the letter sender be there to support the wife? No of course not. Will the letter sender know just what the wife is going through? Again, no.

Will the letter sender be there to reassure the wife when she is wondering which one of her friends and family have told her her husband is sleeping with someone else? Again, no.

The letter sender gets to sit back and smugly think “well I was the better person. I was the one who told her about her husband’s infidelity. It doesn’t actually matter how it affected her, at least she knows, and at least if the fallout is massive, if she ends up a single parent with no money, if she ends her life, I don’t have to worry about it because nobody knows it was me.

I would unfriend someone who sent an anonymous letter before I unfriended someone for having an affair.

How dreadful. What capacity do you socialise with his wife? I would hate to think I was in contact with someone that didn’t tell me something as important as that. Also If she ever found out you knew and didn’t say anything you would be slated for that.
Awful situation your friend isn’t a very nice person and extremely selfish.

I would unfriend someone who sent an anonymous letter before I unfriended someone for having an affair.
Sorry but you seem to have missed a few crucial lessons and you obviously do not care about the person most affected in all this. Many women have posted on this thread who have been in the wife’s situation and who have said they preferred knowing about it and the embarrassment that so many people knew before them.
I would infinitely prefer telling this in person, not anonymously. But have you though for a second how the wife might feel and do when she finds out? What if she doesn’t want or cannot leave the marriage? Posting this to her anonymously gives her the chance of keeping the facade going at least until she figures things out. It also gives her the chance to interrogate at her own pace. It gives her a lot of power.
Some people on here come on each thread to simply undermine the OP no matter what. Everyone wants drama all the time apparently.

Many women have posted on this thread who have been in the wife’s situation and who have said they preferred knowing about it and the embarrassment that so many people knew before them
That's true.

But it's also true that the messenger is usually shot and ends up facing social penalties, especially if the wife chooses to stay with her husband.
The messenger ends up betraying their friend's trust and the fallout from that. They get called a liar by the married man. If the wife decides to believe her cheating husband then to save face she decides the messenger is a bitch. If the wife and the messenger share a social circle then the whole circle is told that the messenger is a bitch and a liar and is labelled as someone who can't be trusted. The messenger ends up being hit hardest whilst the wife backs her husband, the husband knows he can get away with it and the messenger ends up ostracized.

I was in your position two years ago.
I was shocked but kept quiet.
Then (a few weeks later) she told me that she had used me as a cover.

That was the end of our friendship for me. I had nightmares about looking her husband in the eye.

I lost most of my respect for her when she told me, and all of it when she involved me.

Two years on, she separated from her H and OM isn't interested...

Sorry but you seem to have missed a few crucial lessons and you obviously do not care about the person most affected in all this. well you clearly don’t if you think that sending someone an anonymous letter which will not only make them potentially aware of the fact that their partner is having an affair but will also leave them doubting everyone they know, and wondering who it was, whether people are gossiping about her behind her back, colluding to send anonymous letters, maybe she will even wonder whether it was a whole group of her friends who did it but don’t want her to know that they knew, is the right thing to do.

If this was the wife’s best friend she would presumably tell her. If the best friend did it anonymously she is clearly no friend.

In this instance the OP doesn’t even really know the wife, it is her friend who is having the affair. But now people are suggesting she do it anonymously because “the wife has the right to know.”

That may be the case. But if she has the right to know then she also has the right to know who else knows.

Incidentally, what happened to that thread where an OP thought her work colleagues were having an affair and people suggested she buy burner phones, pretend to be the OW to get hotel confirmation and hire a private detective to get her more evidence so she could tell the wife (who she had only met once) that she knew they were having an affair. Even though she had just seen them out together rather than knowing anything for definite.

I actually think that some people get some kind of thrill from being the one to send anonymous messages and to smugly step back and wait for the fallout.

Bet they’re really disappointed when there is no fallout....

@AlternativePerspective

Incidentally, what happened to that thread where an OP thought her work colleagues were having an affair and people suggested she buy burner phones, pretend to be the OW to get hotel confirmation and hire a private detective to get her more evidence so she could tell the wife (who she had only met once) that she knew they were having an affair. Even though she had just seen them out together rather than knowing anything for definite.

It eventually died out. I seem to recall that the responses were slightly more in favour of staying out of it, but yes, there were loonies who wanted OP to go full private detective, phoning the hotel to pose as OW to get a receipt and whatnot. And present it all to the wife ANONYMOUSLY, of course. OP hardly knew any of these people.

Do me a favour, the pious do-gooders on this thread?

Don’t ever send me an anonymous letter. Don’t even think about it.

That may be the case. But if she has the right to know then she also has the right to know who else knows.
Agree with this bit but that is me. I would only tell the wife if I had undeniable proof, will do it in person and will ditch the friend who is having the affair. I will also ensure I do not expect not being shot as the messenger. But what I will absolutely not do is to give a woman the chance to get back her dignity and power if she wants it back and to keep her body safe if she prefers that. And if my partner was having an affair, I would absolutely want to know, anonymous or not. So I am only doing what I expect for myself and nothing less or more. So all the enablers/look-the-other-way types can go on congratulating themselves for saving their hides form the potential fallout if the wife stayed with the cheater. I don’t know why you cannot see that ‘but the messenger is always shot’ is wrong in so many many cases.,

That should have been ‘not to give’

Keep out of it it's not your business. Xl

But sending an anonymous letter does not “let her know”, does it? It raises the possibility. But an anonymous letter can be dismissed as malicious, it raises so questions and doubts. It is corrosive but it is not proof.

I have no reason to think my Dh is having an affair, as certain as I can be that he isn’t. If someone sent me an anonymous letter of email or text, I honestly don’t think I’d believe it because i have no suspicions to suggest otherwise, but it would cause upset and distress. I’m not sure if it would for me, but I can see how this would create suspicion and paranoia (in some cases, with good cause) which causes more harm than good. Whereas, someone coming to you and saying they know your DH is having an affair with x and I know because of y, is far more believable. It allows questions to be asked and answered, if possible, which is so much more helpful/believable.

Also, although it is usually best for the person being cheated on to know the truth, there are situations where it is best done at the right time or avoided- e.g. that person is particularly vulnerable at the time. Not necessarily many/most cases, I would think, but theoretically possible.

If you’re going to throw a grenade into someone’s life, at least have the courage of your convictions and do it properly. If you hide behind an anonymous message, you aren’t acting in the other persons best interests and are just trying to avoid any consequences for yourself whilst being able to pat yourself on the back about moral superiority and having “ done the right thing”.

I don’t know why you cannot see that ‘but the messenger is always shot’ is wrong in so many many cases
Whether the messenger is shot depends on a lot of factors, but it is a very real situation that the messenger has to anticipate

Telling a good friend you have proof their husband is having an affair is quite different from telling an acquaintance or someone in your wider circle.

Offline in real life it's never as black and white as always tell or always keep quiet. At the end of the day making the decision to inform someone of an affair is to put a grenade into their life (to steal from another poster) and it needs to be done appropriately and with good judgement and with consideration of the potential consequences.