My friend is sleeping with a married man

[Isabelle2457]

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

@NotImpossible

The replies here make me so sad. Imagine being that wife. Finding out that you could have been told, maybe wasting years with a cheat, but a bunch of strangers on the internet decided it would be better for you not to know. And don't say 'it's nond on my business' - once you know and are in a position to make a decision and/or decide to influence a decision it has become your business. Nobody gets to opt out of that.

I am quite happy for strangers on the internet not to make any decisions for me.

It is absolutely not my business just because I hear about it. That's absurd.

It is not your place to inform the wife...

All you can do is be straight with your friend and say that you believe what she is doing is wrong and will only cause her hurt in the long term and try to get her to see sense.

One of my good friends was seeing a married man who kept promising to leave his wife. In the end she wised up and dumped him and she realises that the guy was a big loser and her choice was due to the fact that she felt she did not 'deserve' a proper relationship.

You don't just dump a friend and think about stabbing her in the back because she is doing something stupid. If you really care for her, you try to be there and give advice.

Good people do the wrong thing sometimes.

The guy sounds like a real 'charmer'. If he is a work colleague who is senior to her it is even more dodgy and it sounds like she could put her job on the line when things will go pear-shaped.

Have a good talk with her and try to make her see that she is risking a lot for a guy who most likely does not give a damn about her...

It sounds like you don’t know the wife very well. For all you know, she could be having an affair of her own.

I would still distance myself from your friend though, she sounds totally remorseless.

If you are in a position to do something (or decide to give your opinion to the person who is) then of course it is. The friend made it the OPs business by telling her. Everyone who has decided to offer their opinion here has also decided to get involved because their words may influence the outcome. The OP now has to make a decision (tell or not tell) which will affect several other people's lives in a huge way.

@NotImpossible

If you are in a position to do something (or decide to give your opinion to the person who is) then of course it is. The friend made it the OPs business by telling her. Everyone who has decided to offer their opinion here has also decided to get involved because their words may influence the outcome. The OP now has to make a decision (tell or not tell) which will affect several other people's lives in a huge way.

This is absurd. The friend of the OW being obliged to interfere! So if OP PMed me and told me who they all are, I would be obliged to go thundering in with my size 6s? Even if it turns out that they live in Canada, or don't speak English and I'd need a translator? I know, therefore I'm obliged and it's my business?

John and Rita's marriage does not become Sarah's property because Greta told her about it. The only thing OP can do that would affect other people's lives in a huge way would be to blunder in over it. Otherwise, she can simply realise she is not anywhere near close or knowledgeable enough about the situation to know what's best (unless there's a huge drip feed coming) and therefore do no harm, and stay out. And the friend had no right to burden her with this, because it's made her miserable.

Taking seriously the accusation that your partner is cheating depends less on whether it is anonymous or in person, and more on actual relationship itself. If a person is open to being convinced that their partner isn't actually cheating, they're not going to believe the accusation even if someone sits them down and presents an array of evidence. Partners can simply deny it, and the relationship carries on as normal - we hear it all the time here.

You don't get bonus points or a medal for being 'courageous', 'having the courage of your convictions', 'owning your decision' or anything else that will motivate making your identity known. If it's a very close friendship and you would actually be able to offer support, revealing your identity makes sense. Otherwise it's foolish.

If there's a 10% chance that an anonymous message will save someone (especially a woman with a baby) years of her life being wasted, pandering to a cheater, then it's probably worth it.

What would you do if you knew he was beating her on a regular basis? Keep out because it's none of your business? He is abusing her. Emotional abuse is JUST as bad & damaging as physical abuse (for the children in the relationship too) & sitting on the fence aids no one but the abuser. By allowing this emotional abuse to continue you are complicit.

Sorry but I think you should keep well out of it. The wife may already know or have suspicions, or it may blow over and they could go back to being happy (probably unlikely but stranger things have happened). Definitely do not tell her anonymously, that is cruel.

But I would tell your friend how you feel, and that you don't want to hear anymore about it.

What would you do if you knew he was beating her on a regular basis? Keep out because it's none of your business? He is abusing her. Emotional abuse is JUST as bad & damaging as physical abuse (for the children in the relationship too) & sitting on the fence aids no one but the abuser. By allowing this emotional abuse to continue you are complicit. bullshit. Firstly violence is a crime, having an affair is not. Secondly violence has no mitigating circumstances, nobody knows anything about this woman’s marriage to make the assumption that she and the kids are being hurt, how patronising.

For all anyone knows this might not be the first time he’s cheated and she may turn a blind eye, maybe she’s had affairs as well so they’re even. Maybe she had an affair first and because he lost trust he ended up having one as well. Or perhaps the wife actually wouldn’t want to know.

But on mumsnet the wife has to be presumed to be crying over an affair and it be damaging to her and the children without people knowing any of the details.

Garlic

Post infidelity stress disorder. Liken to PTSD and considered equally as traumatic.
(Orman, 2005).

If you are in a position to do something (or decide to give your opinion to the person who is) then of course it is. The friend made it the OPs business by telling her. Everyone who has decided to offer their opinion here has also decided to get involved because their words may influence the outcome. The OP now has to make a decision (tell or not tell) which will affect several other people's lives in a huge way. rubbish. Telling someone something does not make them obliged to do something about it.

The affair is the business of the man and the OW. It is simply the OP’s knowledge. That is different. Having knowledge of something doesn’t make it your business. Where does that end? We gain knowledge of things every day, that doesn’t make it our business.

The MM and the OW are adults. What they do in their lives is their decision. If someone else wades in and decides to tell the wife then the only person responsible for having done that is the person doing the telling. OP is not obliged to get involved at all.

Comparing domestic violence to an affair is absurd. He could be perfectly nice to his wife at home, it's not the same thing at all.

And it is incredibly insulting to the actual victims of domestic violence.

Can you imagine? Woman tells new friend “I left my husband because he used to beat me regularly. Serious violence, I had to flea to a refuge and take out an injunction.” And friend replies “I know just how you feel, my husband had an affair.” Riiiiight.

Totally agree with this.

I guess it boils down to how much of a friend you consider her to be.

Sorry quote didn't post - agree with @Bluntness100 and @TableFlowerss.

Honestly my priority would be concern for my friend and how it might impact her job given his position.

I wonder if it's her that brought up the 'connection' or if it was his line to try and keep her hanging in there?

If finding out about the affair really could destroy the wife's mental health and give her a form of PTSD, that's all the bloody more reason not to tell her. Doesn't mean the husband isn't a shit, just means you're prioritising her wellbeing over a weird sense of vengeance against strangers as a substitute for whatever's bothering you in your own life. First, do no harm.

As for it making no difference being anonymous, of course it does. Not only does it destroy any sense of moral superiority, because you clearly realise people will get hurt but you're not concerned unless you're one of them, it makes it impossible for the wife to make a judgement on what sort of weight to give the tip-off. It causes confusion and uncertainty as well as whatever shock, pain or PTSD you've decided is your right to unleash.

It's a truly horrible thing to do.

I'm not saying anyone is obliged to act. Just that they have no choice but to make a decision now - to act or not to act. Either one will have consequences - but doing nothing is a decision.

Tell the wife anon. ..
Imagine your dh sleepinf around for a whole fucking year and people knew but didn't say anything 😲. ..

It's not quite the same situation but my DH had ONS after a work do, after which the woman in question bragged about it to anyone who would listen at their work. A colleague of hers emailed me to tell me what had happened, though that was about 6ish months after the event. PP are correct about the PTSD, I went through total hell, absolute fucking agony, and I will never be 'over it' - BUT I am still grateful that she told me. I would ALWAYS rather know. As it turns out DH and I have worked through it and are stronger now than we were before it happened. And just for the record I would never shoot the messenger - telling somebody something like that is not an easy thing to do, especially if you don't know them, and I understood that. On the other hand, knowing that half of this woman's colleagues knew about it because of her bragging when I remained clueless was totally humiliating to me. I'm glad one of them decided to say something.

I really don’t understand where the physical health of the wife comes into all this ‘do not tell her, it might destroy her mental health’ advice?

Discovering infidelity does fuck up your mental health, it destroys you - BUT it is not the messenger that causes this, it's the person who cheats in the first place and that is their responsibility and on their shoulders. Nobody should have to live a lie.

"This is absurd. The friend of the OW being obliged to interfere! So if OP PMed me and told me who they all are, I would be obliged to go thundering in with my size 6s? Even if it turns out that they live in Canada, or don't speak English and I'd need a translator? I know, therefore I'm obliged and it's my business?"

Of course you're not obliged. You can do what you like

It's weird on here at times and over some dilemmas 🙄
If someone starts a thread on their husband having an affair, some are straight in there with all the vitriol they muster.
Yet when someone starts a thread saying they/someone they know is having an affair it's stay out of it 😳

If everyone knows bar the wife about the affair who is often having her sexual health compromised. Not to mention the suspicion that she thinks there's something going on, but is being gaslighted and told she's paranoid and bonkers.

If your husband was having an affair you really wouldn't want to know?
I know I damn well would.

Tell her OP. It will not kill her, will only maker her stronger and will give her the power that has been taken from her by your friend and this man.