My friend is sleeping with a married man

[Isabelle2457]

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

And still no one thinks the poor unsuspecting wife should get an STI check ?

Oh well.

I would want to know so I could kick his cheating ass out! Wouldn't you want to know? If yes then you know what to do. The poor wife

@SerendipityJane

And still no one thinks the poor unsuspecting wife should get an STI check ?

Oh well.

She probably had one when she was pregnant, but in any case, nine times out of ten when people say this it's a pious figleaf for a desire to involve themselves in the drama.

The best advice is the three wise monkies, I'd say, one of the reasons are the messenger usually gets the main pickle from it all, then there's the if it's just your friend that knows you know and you let it out secretly to the wife, then there goes the friendship, plus people say they want to know x which could be true but then when it's x who's to know how any of them twist or turn their stories and the fallout from it all ? Sometimes as unfortunate as it is too say, is to be there for your friend and step back from it, because if mumsnets threads have proven with similar situations, is people say one thing then when x happens or situations unfold, x,y,z can then also happen, and some times the situations resolve to a good result then others it's oh pickle's ect

His wife will know and figure it out
She doesn’t need OP to tell her

Tell the wife and dump the friend.

Shame on anyone who would turn a blind eye. The poor woman

@Willyoujustbequiet

Tell the wife and dump the friend.

Shame on anyone who would turn a blind eye. The poor woman

I quite agree with this. I would absolutely want to know if only for making sure his sleeping around doesn’t expose me to STIs. That is a risk OP’s friend is also taking by the way (not that I have any sympathy). Sending an anonymous message is going to keep your name out of it OP and will warn the wife. The decision is hers and she deserves that power at least.

If you genuinely think telling someone is the right thing to do, then why be anonymous? Why ‘keep your name out of it’?

Either it’s the right thing to do (so own it), or it isn’t (so keep out of it).

How would you feel if you got an anonymous message from some complete unknown that your DH was cheating on you?

The trauma of finding something like that out would be compounded tenfold by the cowardly anonymous message. I’d be doubting its veracity, and wondering who on earth it was from, and their motives.

Have the courage of your convictions, if you’re so convinced you’re right.

I worked with someone having a long time affair with a married man. Of course there was never the right time to tell the wife. Hoping to smoke him out, my colleague sent an anonymous letter to the wife, listing times, dates, so much detail. Even listing where they had stayed when when she had been to stay with her parents. She also included a photograph of them hugging in cafe. She sent it recorded delivery - to arrive when he was on a stag weekend. The wife ignored it. Never even confronted her cheating DH.

Eventually, they did divorce him but years later - no idea why and after the colleague had moved on.

For all people saying the anonymous letter is cowardly, it does offer a choice. Maybe the wife suspects something. Maybe she will.choose to ignore it. All I know is that would want to know. I would rather read a letter in private have a cry and then make a decision than face the humiliation of someone of the phone or worse face to face.

I worked with someone having a long time affair with a married man. Of course there was never the right time to tell the wife. Hoping to smoke him out, my colleague sent an anonymous letter to the wife, listing times, dates, so much detail. Even listing where they had stayed when when she had been to stay with her parents. She also included a photograph of them hugging in cafe. She sent it recorded delivery - to arrive when he was on a stag weekend. The wife ignored it. Never even confronted her cheating DH. what a smug self-righteous twat. The work colleague that is.

Let’s be honest, sending anonymous letters has nothing to do with the belief that the wife should know and everything to do with the teller’s need to feel that smug self righteous feeling that they were the one to break the news and no-one would ever know that it was them. Just their little secret, and now they can stand back and wait to see what the fallout will be.

And I bet that when the fallout is that the receiver of the anonymous letter doesn’t want to know and does nothing they feel deflated, under-valued, after all they went to all those lengths and for what?

And seriously, gathering all that evidence, going to the lengths of sending it recorded delivery? They really need to get a life.

It’s not for anyone else to get involved in anyone’s marriage. No-one knows the in’s and outs. I wouldn’t want to discuss it with friend but neither would I end a friendship over it. Everyone does things someone wouldn’t approve of, life is to multi-faceted to end all associations based on moral differences.

I would want to know. Tell the wife, anonymously if you have to. But why should your friend have the luxury of sleeping with a married man, but not telling the wife about it?

All these moralistic heroines prepared to do anything to meddle in other people's lives to Fight The Wrongness, except own their part in it. So everyone gets the flak from their actions except for them. It's not doing good or being moral, it's actually quite reprehensible.

If I got an anonymous, recorded delivery (!!) parcel from someone stalking my husband and looking to drop a bomb in my life without taking any responsibility or ownership of what they were doing, I'd ignore it too. They're obviously obsessed with my husband and a coward, why would I trust them?

@Isabelle2457

Yes, I agree.

I will not be sending an anonymous note. I know if I received one I'd feel like I had more questions than answers. I don't want to do that to her.

I'm thinking just tell her to stop talking to me about it, but I can't get rid of this guilty feeling I have about the whole thing. I just wish I didn't know to be honest!

Tell your friend that then. Tell her the more she talks to you about it the more you want to tell his wife what he's doing, so she needs to stop for the sake of your friendship.

I could not be friends with someone so complicit in the deceit of another person. I would be telling my friend that they need to tell the wife or I will. That they are risking her health and mental wellbeing with their antics.

It's interesting to see that being labelled as 'judgemental' is now a get out card for those behaving in destructive ways. That we have now created such a hedonistic society that anyone questioning that self proclaimed right to happiness at the expense of others is now somehow a pariah because they are being judgmental. We have become too focused on our individual rights and have forgotten about the collective responsibility to behave in a decent way towards each other. Probably why so many people are deeply unhappy and experiencing mental health issues. It's not just in affairs but the relationships board is rife with it; the Tinder generation of disposable human interactions is eroding the self worth and compassion of this society.

I would hope if I behaved in such a way my friends would be straight with me and tell me that I was behaving like an asshole.

This happened to me . My best friend ended her boyfriend's marriage , I was really shocked and we didn't speak for years. I missed her though and we are friends again , but a slightly different situation as i did not know the wife .
14 years on they are still together ; hes quite a bit older than her and now has a myriad of health problems and is overweight. Since March shes spent her time running around after him as hes been shielding, his grown up kids dont speak to her and every Christmas they spend apart because of this . I'd say she's paying the price for her actions!

@Bigyellowflowers

I could not be friends with someone so complicit in the deceit of another person. I would be telling my friend that they need to tell the wife or I will. That they are risking her health and mental wellbeing with their antics.

It's interesting to see that being labelled as 'judgemental' is now a get out card for those behaving in destructive ways. That we have now created such a hedonistic society that anyone questioning that self proclaimed right to happiness at the expense of others is now somehow a pariah because they are being judgmental. We have become too focused on our individual rights and have forgotten about the collective responsibility to behave in a decent way towards each other. Probably why so many people are deeply unhappy and experiencing mental health issues. It's not just in affairs but the relationships board is rife with it; the Tinder generation of disposable human interactions is eroding the self worth and compassion of this society.

I would hope if I behaved in such a way my friends would be straight with me and tell me that I was behaving like an asshole.

It's because people who act in judgemental ways often use it as an excuse to do something worse, like insert themselves into strangers' lives to drop bombs that aren't theirs to drop, and while making sure they protect themselves from the flak.

You should have ethics, for sure, but it is not your place to go around inserting yourself into the marriages of people whose lives are nothing to do with you and whose situations you do not know.

Nor is this about Tinder or anything else.

In this situation the friend has chosen to insert the OP into the situation, knowing the OP is acquainted with the wife and presumably husband. She's put the OP in the position of being complicit in the deceit of someone she knows without her consent. The OP is now lying by omission to the wife. She can chose to continue to do that or not, upto her.

This has now gone beyond someone's marriage given that there is an active 3rd party involved (the friend) who is going around telling people. This is now a situation that involves probably a group of people who now know. The OP has agency to decide how she wants to go forward, she is under no obligation to keep secrets.

I mentioned Tinder as I was thinking of a wider trend in throwing each other under the bus for self gratification. But that point has obviously been lost.

Personally I would never tell someone anonymously. It's actually quite cowardly to do this and likely to cause more pain as it leaves unanswered questions resulting in more pain to someone in a vulnerable position. If you want to inform the wife then you need to own it.

The friend should not have told OP, for sure. That was a selfish thing to do, on top of the affair, to burden her with it. But it does not place any obligations on the OP, who hasn't been clear on how well she knows the couple, to do anything at all. She will not be inserted into the marriage unless she chooses to be. It remains not her business, unless maybe she is very close to the wife, in which case I'd be wondering why the OW told her about it.

She can decide she doesn't want to be friends with this person any more, or she can decide she doesn't want to hear any more about it. But unless she knows the wife very well, this is simply not her affair in any sense of the word. It's not anyone's place to get all Don Quixote in the marriages of strangers or near strangers.

I doubt the OP is about to go on a misplaced chivalric quest.

Definitely let the wife know. Perhaps an anonymous note? I’m sure more people than just you know about the affair, so you wouldn’t be blamed. I would find it impossible to be friends with someone who did this anyway.

Anonymous letters are the cowards way out. If you are going to interfere in other people’s lives then at least have the courage of your conviction.

If I got an anonymous letter, text or email/message saying my DH was having an affair, that would be awful. I don’t have any suspicions about him, so I very much doubt that I’d believe it. But it would be upsetting and unsettling. If I had doubts, perhaps it would raise my suspicions but where would I go with it? Her husband could well just pass it off as malicious trouble-making, for instance, which would be much harder if you spoke to her in person. I think there is a strong possibility that an anonymous letter might just make matters worse for her.

For all you know she is aware and for whatever reason is choosing to look the other way or bide her time. You have literally no idea of her position or the potential implications of your actions on this woman.

If you know her and feel you must tell her then have the guts to do it personally. If you are going to interfere and throw a grenade into her life, then you should be prepared to stand by your actions.

As far as it goes with regards your friend, only you can decide if you can reconcile her actions with an ongoing friendship between the two of you. But if you do inform the wife, obviously your friendship would be over- which may or may not bother you/be a consideration.

Just keep quiet, you don't know the state of their marriage. The OW phoned me at work to let me know she was sleeping with my h, ( I had a baby at the time). You know what, I didn't give a damn, my marriage was a disaster anyway, we split for good a few months later and him sleeping with someone else was way down on my reasons to divorce. I would not have appreciated a 3rd party telling me, I felt such a fool to have ever got involved with him.

Stay out of it. Tell your friend you think she is making a terrific mistake but if it all goes tits up (which it will), you'll be there to pick up the pieces.
If you're her friend, you will.

Terrible not terrific. Bloody autocorrect.

The replies here make me so sad. Imagine being that wife. Finding out that you could have been told, maybe wasting years with a cheat, but a bunch of strangers on the internet decided it would be better for you not to know. And don't say 'it's nond on my business' - once you know and are in a position to make a decision and/or decide to influence a decision it has become your business. Nobody gets to opt out of that.