Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My friend is sleeping with a married man

167 replies

Isabelle2457 · 26/11/2020 20:18

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
DontTouchMe · 27/11/2020 08:54

Tell the wife it will be better for everyone involved. I’m sure you friend would appreciate it if he was finally single. Or wouldn’t she? Hmm

Dee1975 · 27/11/2020 09:00

I don’t think it’s your responsibility to tell the wife. But do tell your friend what you think. I’d be more worried about how this will end. Is your friend putting her life on hold for this married man? Unless she’s happy to be the OW forever, this relationship is stopping her from meeting someone else.

MrsXx4 · 27/11/2020 09:34

I would want to know if I was the wife, especially because there is a young baby involved. I’d want to be able to make my own decision on how I went forward. I’d hate to feel that everyone knew but me!

BoudiccaD · 27/11/2020 09:46

I would want to know.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 27/11/2020 09:49

I'd be questioning if I wanted to be friends with someone who clearly had completely different values to me and I'd be honest with her about my views. I wouldn't tell the wife but only because this could lead to your friend losing her job and in a pandemic that could have all kinds of repercussions.

SerendipityJane · 27/11/2020 09:54

Something up with the universe today. 55 messages in and nobody thinks of the poor wifes sexual health ? Surely she should know that an STI check is in order ?

Personally I do judge my friends by their morals. Maybe if more people did there would be less shitty behaviour ?

dottiedodah · 27/11/2020 10:06

I wonder if the wife already suspects something? With a young baby,she may find it easier to sit tight and say nothing hoping it will blow over .I think I would not say anything to her at all.Your friend will most likely come off the worse, as most men wont want to leave a cosy home life and risk losing everything they have worked hard for, just to be with their girlfriend!

CountFosco · 27/11/2020 10:06

If you're doing something dodgy and you don't want key players to know about it, then you shut your mouth and keep it to yourself, rather than involve people in your mess.

We were talking at work about a couple who were having an affair and not being subtle at all. A colleague pointed out that everyone knowing except the spouse at home was part of the thrill. Disgusting but probably true.

I agree an anonymous letter is a dreadful idea, if you decide to tell her you need to do it face to face and don't expect to be thanked. Just tell her 'I know your husband is having an affair, this is the evidence: A, B, C. I know it must be hard to hear and I don't expect you to thank me for telling you such distructive news. But I wanted you to have all the knowledge so you could make an informed decision about your relationship, it's up to you what you do with it. Neither your husband or the OW know I'm telling you'.

dazzlinghaze · 27/11/2020 10:22

I think since you know the wife you should tell her. And not anonymously. I would also really struggle to maintain a relationship with the friend and would be telling her exactly what I think of her behaviour.

VinylDetective · 27/11/2020 10:24

Mind your own business. It’s nothing to do with you.

Frannibananni · 27/11/2020 10:31

Dump the friend, don’t tell the wife.

nosswith · 27/11/2020 11:05

@SerendipityJane it's not just friends I judge by their morals, or lack of. It starts for me with the Prime Minister and his numerous affairs and misogyny.

RayOfSunshine2013 · 27/11/2020 11:08

Depends how close to the friend you are. If it was a real friend I’d stay well out of it.

Badwill · 27/11/2020 11:13

If you want to tell the wife do so anonymously but personally I'd stay out of it beyond telling my friend what she's doing is really shitty. Distancing yourself from the friend should ease your conscience a bit.

Strangedayindeed · 27/11/2020 11:14

None of your business.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2020 11:31

@Badwill

If you want to tell the wife do so anonymously but personally I'd stay out of it beyond telling my friend what she's doing is really shitty. Distancing yourself from the friend should ease your conscience a bit.
This is such a cunty thing to do. Leave the poor woman wondering if it’s true, who has told her which of her friends or family.

If you’re going to do it, then own it.

ZolaGrey · 27/11/2020 12:33

Unless you know his wife personally, stay out of it. None of your business.

Thewithesarehere · 27/11/2020 12:44

I would want to know and it will break my heart that other people knew and didn’t tell me. Send her an anonymous text with whatever evidence you have.

PrincessNutNut · 27/11/2020 12:50

Tell her you're her friend and you love her, but you hate what she's doing and you want no part of it, and that includes hearing about it.

Don't start getting involved in strangers' marriages.

dayslikethese1 · 27/11/2020 12:51

Hmmm this is tricky...how well do you know the wife OP?

PrincessNutNut · 27/11/2020 12:56

@Badwill

If you want to tell the wife do so anonymously but personally I'd stay out of it beyond telling my friend what she's doing is really shitty. Distancing yourself from the friend should ease your conscience a bit.
Fitting username. Don't tell the wife, you don't know her or him and it's absolutely none of your business. But if you did, don't be anonymous. I hate it when people advise dropping a bomb in someone's life and protecting only yourself. If she gets an anonymous message, she has no way of knowing if it's true or why she's being told. If I got an anonymous note like this, I'd find it cowardly and self-serving. If it's your business enough to go blundering in (it's not) then it's your business enough to own it and take your share of the flak.

But it's not. You don't have to be your friend's accomplice on it either. Just refuse to listen to her talk about it.

Respectabitch · 27/11/2020 13:04

An anonymous note or message is a cowardly weasel thing to do. It says "I'm going to land a whole heap of shit on you, but I don't want any on me". Either have the courage of your convictions and meddle as yourself, or stay out of it.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2020 13:28

When you do it anonymously it’s about the joy of doing it. Not because you care for her. It is spiteful in the extreme.

And on here when anyone posts they got an anonymous message it’s always “don’t believe it, it’s a shit stirrer”.

As said, I don’t believe in getting involved in other folks marriages, becayse it’s very rare you know rhe full story. But to do it anonymously is beyond shit.

Original poster
Isabelle2457 · 27/11/2020 13:35

Yes, I agree.

I will not be sending an anonymous note. I know if I received one I'd feel like I had more questions than answers. I don't want to do that to her.

I'm thinking just tell her to stop talking to me about it, but I can't get rid of this guilty feeling I have about the whole thing. I just wish I didn't know to be honest!

OP posts:
Elfieishere · 27/11/2020 13:46

I personally wouldn’t betray a friend even if I didn’t agree with What she was doing.
It’s already been going on a year anyway.
Ask her to stop speaking about it to you.
Leave it as that.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.