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AIBU?

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Original poster

My friend is sleeping with a married man

167 replies

Isabelle2457 · 26/11/2020 20:18

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 26/11/2020 21:45

I would want to know-she is risk of an STD. If you don’t want to do it personally then do it anonymously but include lots of details that are very easily verifiable so she doesn’t end up being gas lighted and made to feel a fool.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 26/11/2020 21:56

Do nothing
It’s none of your business
I’d see the friend less though

Noddyandbiggerears · 26/11/2020 22:03

Honestly I’d stay out of it. You don’t know what the reaction or the repercussion will be.
And generally as someone above said - it’s the messenger who gets shot.
However if you really feel that you must please don’t do it anonymously as people have said above - that’s worse than doing nothing

TableFlowerss · 26/11/2020 22:14

@Bluntness100

I’d keep out of it personally. I don’t believe in getting involved in other folks marriages. Although some folks on here will be salivating at the thought of you telling her and what she’s got coming to her.
I agree with @Bluntness100 just keep out if it.

I don’t condone what she’s doing at all but equally if one of my friends was having an affair with a married man, I wouldn’t fall out with her.

I would try to persuade her that he’s clearly not worth the effort and it’s highly likely it will end in tears for her as well but at the end of the day, you stick with your friends through thick/thin. I do anyway. My loyalty is with my friend.

The only way I’d tell of an affair is if I was friends with the wife. My loyalty would be with her then.

MerchantOfVenom · 26/11/2020 22:49

Everyone SAYS they would want to know.

Of course they do. I would want to know.

And yet. Whenever some third party gets involved to spill the beans, it goes tits up.

I would want to know. But I’d want to be told by someone who genuinely had my best interests at heart. That’s unlikely to be some random third party.

And sending an anonymous letter? Seriously??

Imagine you got an anonymous letter, telling you your DH was having an affair.

How do you think that would make you feel? I’d be devastated. Humiliated, upset, traumatised. Wondering who it had come from it. If it was true. Why they couldn’t tell me in person. Doubting it, because it’s anonymous. Not knowing where to start, in terms of dealing with it.

Totally shit suggestion.

SandyY2K · 26/11/2020 22:49

I kind of think when someone tells you their personal stuff like this, they make it your business. If I was having an affair with a MM (not that I would), I wouldn't tell anyone ...because by doing so, I've let it out and I would have to accept that they can do what they want with that information.

If you're doing something dodgy and you don't want key players to know about it, then you shut your mouth and keep it to yourself, rather than involve people in your mess.

I would want to know if it was me. This nonsense about shooting the messenger is what people in denial do, rather than face the truth.

You said she has a baby...so he was cheating when she was pregnant probably..putting her at risk of STDs. Awful behaviour of him and your friend.

Chloemol · 26/11/2020 22:50

Dump the friend and tell the wife

Tessiot · 26/11/2020 22:51

This is one of those instances where I would do what Audrey Hepburn would have done.

Whattheactual20201 · 26/11/2020 22:59

7 years ago I had a poorly baby in hospital. My ex was doing extra shifts to help pay. He wasn’t he was with another women. Some of our mutual friends knew and didn’t say a word to me.
I never trusted anyone for years. I would of wished they told me.

nanny2012nanny · 27/11/2020 00:30

Not your circus not your monkeys

Cheeeeislifenow · 27/11/2020 00:32

I would lose respect for my friend and as a result our friendship would be over.

RichPetunia · 27/11/2020 00:39

It will end in a mess one way or the other, so if you value the relationship with your friend the only thing you can do is be there for her. Other than that, don’t get involved.

Onjnmoeiejducwoapy · 27/11/2020 01:54

Personally I would tell the wife, as you know her, but I would also be looking at seriously distancing myself from the friend.

I don’t see why an anonymous letter is so bad? The most humiliating thing about the situation is the fact she doesn’t know, almost anything is an improvement on that

Suzi888 · 27/11/2020 02:02

@FromThe70s

Stay out of it OP, but let your friend know in no uncertain terms that she’s being an absolute arsehole.
^^ yup! It’s not going to end well for her either, she’s wasting her time.
user1473878824 · 27/11/2020 02:07

@Dontknownow86

I don't know why people always say to stay out of it. If my dp was cheating I would absolutely want anyone to tell me. She'll probably find out eventually anyway but you may save her wasting part of her life on an awful person. Imagine how humiliated you would feel if you found out years later and that people that you know, knew about it all along. Awful.
Because her friend isn’t the wife it’s the other woman. She’s knows the wife but her FRIEND is the one doing this and so it’s not her place to fuck up the wife’s life. And I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but it’s not OP’s job to tell her friend’s boyfriend’s wife about the affair. If it were my friend doing the same I’d be making my feelings clear to her and staying well out of it.
jessstan1 · 27/11/2020 02:08

@MerchantOfVenom

Unless it was my best friend being cheated on, I would stay out of it.

The messenger is always shot.

I would let your friend know that you do not want to discuss the man or the relationship ever, and leave it at that.

That.

It may fizzle out, such 'connections' often don't last.

OlympicProcrastinator · 27/11/2020 06:32

Lots of people saying they would want to know but in reality, women go into complete denial. I’ve been the teller twice. Both times I’ve told a friend and had solid evidence. Both times the blokes talked their way out of it and I was told I ‘misunderstood’ and got ‘the wrong idea’ Hmm

Managed to keep both friends who both later realised that that I was right, but not before spending another couple of years with their cheating boyfriends. I’m not sure I’d bother a third time.

nosswith · 27/11/2020 07:15

It will all end in tears, he will not leave his wife.

I don't think an anonymous letter is a good thing. I'm not sure whether or not I would confront the dirty older man (though if I said I would tell his wife if he did not end it, 100% I would have to go through with it, as it must be a promise not a threat), end the friendship, or tell the wife.

MrsLighthouse · 27/11/2020 07:53

I would mostly agree with the others ..but for me it would depend on how well l knew the wife . If she was in any way a friend or l was having contact / conversations with her , then it would feel a shit*y thing to do to know and not say anything . I’d certainly distance from your friend whatever happens. Whose to say she wouldn’t sleep with your partner behind your back because she felt the bloody “connection “ !

Skipsurvey · 27/11/2020 07:56

why should you do anything?

SupineSlumber · 27/11/2020 07:58

I would send her an anonymous and suggestive text message telling her to keep a very careful eye on her husband’s phone and movements. That will get her suspicious at least and she might work it out herself.

Roselilly36 · 27/11/2020 08:02

Look after yourself OP, you are pregnant. Personally, I wouldn’t get involved, no good usually comes out of getting involved with these sort of situations. It’s nothing to do with you.

SupineSlumber · 27/11/2020 08:05

@MerchantOfVenom

Everyone SAYS they would want to know.

Of course they do. I would want to know.

And yet. Whenever some third party gets involved to spill the beans, it goes tits up.

I would want to know. But I’d want to be told by someone who genuinely had my best interests at heart. That’s unlikely to be some random third party.

And sending an anonymous letter? Seriously??

Imagine you got an anonymous letter, telling you your DH was having an affair.

How do you think that would make you feel? I’d be devastated. Humiliated, upset, traumatised. Wondering who it had come from it. If it was true. Why they couldn’t tell me in person. Doubting it, because it’s anonymous. Not knowing where to start, in terms of dealing with it.

Totally shit suggestion.

I’d be more devastated, humiliated, upset and traumatised at the idea that I’m looking after a young baby at home while my ‘D’H is out shagging another woman.

If it was true. Why they couldn’t tell me in person.

You’ve just answered your own question. Nobody wants to tell in person and be there messenger’.

Who knows, she might already have suspicions about him.

sbhydrogen · 27/11/2020 08:06

"Tell the wife"

Who would actually do that???

Nah, overall I'd stay out of it. But I'd probably say to your friend that you need to stop. Someone's going to get hurt, and it's most likely going to be your friend.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/11/2020 08:06

I would tell his wife, but only if I could do it completely anonymously. I wouldn’t want any of it coming back to me.

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