My friend is sleeping with a married man

[Isabelle2457]

They've been seeing each other for almost a year.

She knew from the get go that he was married. I tried to talk her out of it at the time but she was adamant that they had a "connection."

This guy is older than her, they work in same office and he is also her senior.

I don't know what to do. She's my friend but I also know his wife to some extent. If it was me, I'd want to know (obviously!) But, I don't want to betray my friend.

Wwyd?

You know how it's gonna play out.

She'll get dumped at some point and he'll stay with his Mrs.

"will give her the power that has been taken from her by your friend and this man."

This is so true- the feeling of being out of control of your own life, whilst 2 effwits made decisions that destroyed yours is one of the worst parts of affairs for the wronged party.

Once I knew - I could start making decisions for myself and I have sailed my own life ship since.

Keep out of it she will learn the hard way

Quit being her friend, you are condoning it by still being friends with her, if everyone stopped being friends with people who cheat then there would be alot less cheaters in the world as they would finally learn their actions have consequences.

Any update OP?

It sometimes seems to be a strangely controversial opinion on MN, but I think your friend is a horrible person for purposefully sleeping with a married father. I don't know if I'd tell the wife or not, but I'd distance myself from your friend. I couldn't stomach being around her and hearing about her affair. It's a disgusting thing she's doing and doesn't speak well for her character.

Mind your own business

Keep out of it.

I wouldn't want to hear from a third party who knows me a bit, if my DP were having an affair. Neither would I dump any close friend of mine who was having an affair with a married man/woman (or any close married friend of mine who might be cheating on their husband/wife). It's not my business to start morally judging my friends, and affairs are never, ever straightforward enough to judge from the outside.

By the same token, if I knew that a close friend's partner was cheating, I would tell her/him, because I'd feel like a crap friend if I didn't. I'd have to be extremely close to them to tell them, though. I would also want a friend that close to tell me if s/he knew that my DP was having an affair.

It's not a good question to ask on MN as there's rarely any subtlety in the attitudes towards women who have affairs with married men.

@VetiverAndLavender

It sometimes seems to be a strangely controversial opinion on MN, but I think your friend is a horrible person for purposefully sleeping with a married father. I don't know if I'd tell the wife or not, but I'd distance myself from your friend. I couldn't stomach being around her and hearing about her affair. It's a disgusting thing she's doing and doesn't speak well for her character.

I'd say the opposite is true - MN hates an OW with real venom!

It sometimes seems to be a strangely controversial opinion on MN, but I think your friend is a horrible person for purposefully sleeping with a married father

Controversial? It's absolutely standard on here. OW can expect barrages of abuse from people who know nothing else about them, and it's got a depressingly misogynistic and sexualised tone to it that you don't see even when referring to the man who's actually got the responsibility for his family.

@jimmyjammy001

Quit being her friend, you are condoning it by still being friends with her, if everyone stopped being friends with people who cheat then there would be alot less cheaters in the world as they would finally learn their actions have consequences.

I'd drop a friend who had, say, turned out to be a murderer or a paedophile. I wouldn't think an affair would be quite in that category, though.

My bestie used to do this ALL the time.
She worked in a hospital and it was ALWAYS married senior DR’s usually with kids.

I swear she’d be like ‘So I met this amazing guy....spends 45 minutes talking about his hair, hobbies and every detail of his life... so there’s a slight catch he’s technically married and does have 3 kids under 10 BUT I really like him and we get on amazingly’

I just told her to stop telling me. I didn’t agree and didn’t want to hear. I was always the ‘wife’ type and am now married with a baby and another on the way.

In fairness my friend grew out of it after her early 20’s. It was not ok but I do think she was young, had low self esteem and was somewhat preyed on older established men who knew better.

I am quite friendly with someone whose husband is currently having an affair. It is not his first affair. His wife has mentioned a few times that she wonders a bit, but that she is happier not knowing, if that's what he's doing, so long as he keeps it quiet and restricts it to work trips.

She is not a close friend - I like her and we get on well, but that's it. If I told her the truth, what would she do with it? She wouldn't leave him (long term SAHM life with children and dogs and ponies etc) - so where would it get her if she knew?

I would tell the wife, nobody deserves to unwittingly get STI's because they are being cheated on. Not everything can be cleared up with a few antibiotics.

I would prefer to be told, my exh had an affair, although I knew when it started it took 4 years of being told I was paranoid, menapausal, crazy, and that he would take my sons if I left him, as my mental state made me unfit to care for them. He always had a cover story. Eventually I got my own car, and could follow him, I had indisputable proof, and went to see a solicitor the next day.
Once I was divorced, acquaintances came forward and told me they had known, but didn't like to interfere, as I gave the impression that I was happy, I didn't even tell my sisters because I half believed him that I was being paranoid, it has taken me years to recover my self confidence.
Tell her kindly.

Stay out of it, nobody will thank you for it.

If your husband was having an affair you really wouldn't want to know? by anonymous letter from someone who had no thought for my wellbeing by telling me and every thought for their own by making sure I never found out who they were? No.

And telling someone anonymously is just as much gaslighting as having an affair. Making an anonymous statement essentially ensures that the wife will doubt everyone in her circle, will wonder who it was, will likely never trust anyone again because she won’t know who knew and will always be left wondering.

Don’t kid yourself that by being anonymous you’re doing the wife a favour. Quite the opposite actually, you’re joining in the game.

@lunar1

I would tell the wife, nobody deserves to unwittingly get STI's because they are being cheated on. Not everything can be cleared up with a few antibiotics.

You are assuming they are sleeping together. This is often not the case.

And some folks don’t want to know. I would, but there is absolutely no doubt some women would prefer not to know because then they need to deal with it or live with it, as they have no intention of leaving.

Tell the wife, I've told someone before, fucking hate cheats and liars and no way would I keep their secret or want to remain friends with them.

@AlternativePerspective

If your husband was having an affair you really wouldn't want to know? by anonymous letter from someone who had no thought for my wellbeing by telling me and every thought for their own by making sure I never found out who they were? No.

And telling someone anonymously is just as much gaslighting as having an affair. Making an anonymous statement essentially ensures that the wife will doubt everyone in her circle, will wonder who it was, will likely never trust anyone again because she won’t know who knew and will always be left wondering.

Don’t kid yourself that by being anonymous you’re doing the wife a favour. Quite the opposite actually, you’re joining in the game.

Exactly that. Fucking cowardly, irresponsible thing to do.

You are assuming they are sleeping together. This is often not the case.

And that MM and OW are not practising safe sex.

If they've enough nous between them to sneak around like this, I'd imagine they know how to work condoms.

I don't think anyone should trust their sexual health to a cheat who may or may not be competent at using protection.

Condoms don't prevent all STDs

And telling someone anonymously is just as much gaslighting as having an affair. Making an anonymous statement essentially ensures that the wife will doubt everyone in her circle, will wonder who it was, will likely never trust anyone again because she won’t know who knew and will always be left wondering.
This is quite a large dose of hyperbole and drama.

Poor woman, with a young baby too that’s horrific. From personal experience, when it all comes out (which it will) that woman will feel so isolated because people knew and didn’t tell her. I’d tell her.