AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

I voted YANBU because I view people like this as abusive, sex is irrelevant.

My aunt is very much like this and my Uncle became so browbeaten and pushed down in the first couple of years of their marriage that he has never had the strength to stand up and say no to her. Its her way or no way.

Anyone who is coercive, manipulative or bullying is an abuser imo. So you sister, your friend, your colleague.....they are no better than the guy who smacks his wife one when his dinner isnt on the table.

Can't even go grocery shopping on their own!

I can but I don't want to, so I don't. I either order online or OH does the shopping and he stops for top ups on his way home from work too.

There are certain jobs OH does and certain ones I do. It just makes sense - I never mow the lawn, he never does laundry but we'll both iron. TBH Ive seen this in men and women. It annoys me when it's positioned as 'oh the can't do that', there's a difference between capability and not doing. It pisses me off when women give tinkly laughs about their husbands not being able to remember their own mother's birthdays or writing a date down - this usually means that the wife 'must' be responsible as poor hubby won't manage it. Although strangely enough said hubby can get to work meetings at the right time!

Some years back I got myself into an abusive situation with a manipulative neighbour. She was older than me and being good at filling out forms I offered to do her DLA form. Big mistake.

Soon I found myself doing lots of little favours and admin jobs for her, calling the council, arranging medical visits, bits of shopping and so on. At the same time I had a full time job, was a non driver, and was becoming less and less mobile myself. Knowing that I worked at home several days a week she took to constantly popping in for a chat and would still be there by evening, And I still had my work to do.

I consider myself a strong person but its difficult to end a relationship like that once you dug yourself in. Plus I did feel sorry for her. Well eventually her son came to live with her so I decided that it was time for her to rely on her relative.

I gradually began to withdraw and ration her visits to one a week then one a fortnight. I was often "out" when she called. I told her I would no longer be able to help her with shopping as her son had a car and could easily pick up what she wanted or take her to the shops.

Eventually she moved to the other side of the city. She did try calling when her DLA was due to be renewed but I didnt answer the phone when I saw her number (there were no mobiles back then).

In the end you sometimes have to be a bit ruthless in discarding needy people but do it gradually so that they learn to stand on their own feet, or get their claws into someone else.

OP, I would love to have one of those men. Those women annoy me, but I am slightly jealous too.

I dont think anyone is talking about the natural trade off that happens in a LTR, if you're lucky you both have jobs you least hate and do them, so it all gets done.

Its deliberate helplessness that is the issue, especially when it comes with a side order of "if you dont do it for me then I will........" which is when it tips into abusive. The boob job example above will almost certainly have come with the threat of "but I dont want to have sex with you until they are done".

@Facelikearustytractor

OP, I would love to have one of those men. Those women annoy me, but I am slightly jealous too.

Really? A man who will crawl and say "yes darling" to your every demand?

That would get very boring very quickly for me! Did you ever dump someone for being "too nice" as a teen? I did. Because he was! And he is now with one of those women, and bloody miserable.

But...you don't know what the sharing of chores is! I'd probably be serving and cooking lunch if you were over at my house - you'd never know that DH handles paying all the bills and a bunch of other household admin I can't be arsed with.

Also, I'd count a woman who paints her own damn nails as someone pretty low maintenance. I've been getting manicures for at least 7 years - I wouldn't dream of doing it myself .

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way

I don't think you can tell from the outside of a relationship "what is the fair way"

My Dh does a lot of things for me that viewed in isolation might be judged by others but I do exactly the same for him.

I don't know any women like that

A threat on whose part, Pyongyang?

I must have imaginated all the men who don't pay child support, can't cook, iron or care for their children and all the women who do 3 hours of unpaid work for every one that men do in the world.

Fortunately mine does do loads. I do too so there's that.

I'm curious about 50:50 though. Breastfeeding, night wakings, mat leave? It's impossible with some things. Equally jack hammering the floors which DH did and I physically can't. He benches 250 though so there's that.

So many downtrodden women expected to keep a full time career, do the majority of child care and do all the domestic chores/running the household while the bloke does very little parenting and doesn’t lift a finger.

Precisely why unmarried, childless women live longer than those saddled with a husband and kids.

Conversely, married men live longer than single men.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/may/25/women-happier-without-children-or-a-spouse-happiness-expert

@COPPER3

|I agree with you OP. I know loads of 'special' women who are incapable of doing FA! Can't even go grocery shopping on their own! They have cleaners, they are lucky enough not to have to work, huge cars, DH's that seem to pander to their every need.( my DSis being one!) I don't get it! And yes, I kinda feel resentful. However, the older you get, the more grateful you feel for what you have learnt and know in life and what you have. YANBU

not so incapable... they have the lifestyle they want, and don't even have to work.

I work in a so-called "men environment". I play the female card all the time. Best of both worlds, what's not to like.

@mathanxiety

A threat on whose part, Pyongyang?

Of the woman who wanted them done. I will hold my hands up to a massive assumption on my part but....I betcha....

You sound incredibly bitter and jealous

@NoddyWithAVoddy
So good, just soooo good....

I found I was triggered by these types of people too but when I looked into myself a bit I found it stemmed from my mother being like this and a resentment of how it sucked my childhood dry

It’s pathetic how many grown women claim to be unable to do basic life tasks.

I found women overly-proud of doing completely meanningless tasks much worst.
Frankly, if something that has no impact on you brings so much hatred and bitterness, you might want to consider why it is making you so angry.

Me? No, not at all. Why would anyone be jealous of a quivering jelly who can’t face learning how to bold text?

why do you even care? and why do you deduct it must be a female...

is very much-not your business. ?would it not make sense to get het up bout stuff you can actually change praps? like it or not-on occassion brute force n ignorance is a method 99% found in men.(opening beetroot jar)...not everybodys 50/50 gony be same as yours...i dont know if my scars maybe too deep to take on "helpless" and bin night.

I actually know a couple of women like this and I find it really infuriating. One of them was furloughed for 3 months and started decorating the downstairs loo , so a very small job but never finished it as she knew bf would do it ( he was working more hours than ever ) , doesn't own a car as son will run her around , is awful with money and another friend will ring the council office /sky sorting her arrears out for her , there is more the list goes on. I just think she is lazy and needs to stand on her own 2 feet and I do wish people would say no to her but there is often a ' woe is me ' tale behind her requests.