AIBU to get so mad at needy/manipulative women?

[BarryWhiteIsMyBrother]

In my life to date I have come across so many needy/manipulative women - women who get people to run around after them. Who get people to take on responsibilities for them. Who look at them and think 'but they need my help - how could I say no?'

From women who can't even wash their own car (so their husband does it) or take it to the car wash, to women won't take the bins out on bin day because they are dirty, to women who drop very unsubtle hints about stuff they like sooooo much so their husbands save up and buy them for them (expensive bags or shoes for example), or they get their partner to take on financial responsibility for them and their kids from a previous relationship.

My sister is one of them. A colleague is the same. Someone in my circle of friends.

They drive me nuts. Why can't they be grown ups and do stuff for themselves? Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

And yes, I work so pay my own way and share chores 50/50. The fair way.

Yeah, sure, it wasn't that he wanted two days on his own at home to whatever

I reckon there’s a lot more men who get a free ride in this life than women I can tell you that now. So many downtrodden women expected to keep a full time career, do the majority of child care and do all the domestic chores/running the household while the bloke does very little parenting and doesn’t lift a finger.

I’ve never met a man who could even change his own bedsheets 🙄

@Hardbackwriter

Sorry - I am probably being unreasonable but I heard today how one of my sister's friends just got her partner to agree to pay for new boobs for her because she is sooooo unhappy about hers. And so the poor guy is now trying to find additional work hours to pay for the surgery.

Won't somebody think of the poor men, constantly slaving away to buy their girlfriend's bigger boobs?

my favourite mn comment in a long, long time...

I've never met a woman like that op. I've met lots of men though who can't possibly; cook, iron, remember their DC/mother's birthday, sort our homework etc.

They are just so incapable the poor dears

Being single I do everything myself.....ev-ry-thing. Would love someone to do something for me. An-y-thing, AN-Y-THING would be great....

YABU

there are enough threads about women left in charge of everything and juggling all household chores/children and a job.

If whoever half of the couple is miserable, then it's a very unhealthy relationship. Nothing to do with male or female.

If a couple is happy with whatever dynamic they end up with, how is it any of your business? I can think of a few stay -at-home women, not always mothers with hard working partners, who live a very luxurious and happy life whilst the other one is at work. So what?

Why do you translate that as manipulative and needy?

There's 0 point in being so independent that it makes you bitter frankly. At least be honest, it's just jealousy. These "spoilt" women don't care about you one little bit, they are too happy to bother! Nothing wrong with a life of leisure when you can have one. I'd take that if anyone offers

I really don't know why people are saying that they do X and their partner does Y or that their partner did X,Y and Z when they couldn't. That is not what the OP is talking about. People saying they do the DIY and their partner cooks are just describing a normal relationship. Can't you see that that is not what the OP is describing? She hasn't once said that she gets annoyed by women who share household chores 50/50 with their partners, or even 30/70. She is describing women who pretend to be so very delicate, girly and helpless to get other people to do things they don't want to do/get free stuff, etc. I know a few women like this and they are very annoying and embarrassing. Most women aren't like this and sharing household chores or separating them into person A's jobs and person B's jobs is nothing like this. It's equally irrelevant to go off on a tangent and say that there are more men who pretend to be useless. It's not what the OP is talking about and there are so many threads on here describing this very thing.
I personally find it embarrassing when women pretend to be helpless to get their own way. I cringe for them because they do nothing to stop reinforcing stereotypes.

I personally find it embarrassing when women pretend to be helpless to get their own way. I cringe for them because they do nothing to stop reinforcing stereotypes.

so what? if it works

I like my husband to do the “man” jobs, I do most of the more traditionally female jobs, it’s how we both like it BUT we both will take the bins out/cook dinner/mow the lawn/hoover if it needs doing, nothing is beneath or above either of us.

I think maybe you need to stop worrying about how others live their lives.

DH also buys me things that I tag him in on Facebook I dont see how that’s manipulative?

Sounds like my ex husband op

Ok, wait for it.
I have never washed my car
My husband fills it up with petrol too- I’m not sure I would even know how to. And if I’d ran out, I would just manipulate some man at a garage to do it for me.
He cooks a roast dinner every weekend, I don’t lift a finger. Often freshly manicured.
He pays for everything at the moment as I have’t worked since the end of March.
If I paint my nails he has to do the washing up for the rest of the day as I don’t touch the dishes then.
Gives me lifts everywhere if i don’t feel like driving. Then comes to pick me up with kisses and cuddles
He does 90% of the laundry, then hangs it up
Whenever I had to go away for a few days, he then collected me from the train station with a bunch of flowers and cleaned the house so it’s nice and tidy for me.
I could go on and on and oooooooon! 😙 oh dear, I am so bad!

YANBU

My mother is one of these types and it drives me up the wall. She does the "feminine" housework but otherwise gets everyone else around her to do everything.
Thinks because she gets up early that makes up for the fact she's barley worked or lifted a finger her entire life.

Im not helpless

I just don’t want to do it

(Whatever the ‘is’ is at the time)

The last time I heard a story like this it was from a bitter man - are you male OP? Everyone is just trying to survive the best way they can. You don’t know and might not even guess the set-up and agreements in those people’s relationships (in our house any forms are filled in by me and my partner catches any mice and spiders!) Yes life is unfair and annoying sometimes. Things and chores should be equally shared among everyone. I do think people are utterly spoilt and captured by consumerism.

Barely .... obviously

Everything you're saying can be counteracted with an example of a man behaving in the same manipulative way.

And to touch on your recent experience where a man was cooking and serving whilst his DW sat there painting her nails - well you said glances amongst the table were exchanged. Well I presume some of those glances were from women? Yea thought so.

How about you don't make this about the sexes?

Can't you see that that is not what the OP is describing? She hasn't once said that she gets annoyed by women who share household chores 50/50 with their partners, or even 30/70.

All of the examples in the OP were of couples, and unless the OP actually lives with them and knows their relationship intimately, she cannot possibly know how the household chores or finances are shared out between those couples.

She's seen a few tiny snapshots of their lives, and her internal misogynist has kicked right off.

I never take the bins out Or wash the car. If I touch those jobs they too will become mine like all the thousands of other jobs around the house. I don’t want to negotiate every time a job needs doing - he’ll wear me down and I’ll end up doing it every time. Much easier to say - you’ve got your jobs, I’ve got mine

@NoPainNoTartine

I personally find it embarrassing when women pretend to be helpless to get their own way. I cringe for them because they do nothing to stop reinforcing stereotypes.

so what? if it works

Exactly. It's been very rare , but we needed things fixed(like broadband) and OH was told "no can do" or to try various and ridiculous things. I talked on the phone and an engineer came that week. I don't give a shit I had to use my "you have to help me sob sob" spiel. It worked.

YABU. You don’t know the ins and outs of those relationships so maybe the men are happy to do it?

My heart is bleeding for the poor diddums paying for a boob job for his wife.

Bleeding, I tell ya.

On balance I think the boot is rather on the other foot. There seems to be far too many women picking up the slack, working full time alongside their spouses/partners but taking on the major part of the home/childcare load.

I tend to dislike anyone who turns out to be manipulative, male or female.

|I agree with you OP. I know loads of 'special' women who are incapable of doing FA! Can't even go grocery shopping on their own! They have cleaners, they are lucky enough not to have to work, huge cars, DH's that seem to pander to their every need.( my DSis being one!) I don't get it! And yes, I kinda feel resentful. However, the older you get, the more grateful you feel for what you have learnt and know in life and what you have. YANBU

When I moved in with dh over 30 yrs ago I told him he would help with the chores.He chose bins bathroom washing up etc.Many years later it is shared out and sometimes shock horror he does more than me as I don't get home until 1030.
He always tells people I rarely cook as I am a chef so hardly ever home.
He has helped me plenty and people may think he is whipped however all though furlough I've done the chores and all the cooking.
I did wonder if I manipulated him but I think he wants to feel needed.
I am the organizer though .
These men can decide for themselves,likewise the women can I will put my foot down if DS or DH take me for granted.