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AIBU?

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Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
Notthissticky · 26/11/2020 20:27

@Hamm87

But you are not you have a child's word you have not said if other kids have confirmed it and how am I sticking up for a teacher I have said he is wrong I also said facts are needed from more then 1 source and speak to the head before ppl try and ruin a teacher any teachers life God I was attacked by a teacher at school he pulled my hair and pinned me to the floor and I was the one kicked out of school not him but if ppl were around it would have been a different story, I have also had really nice teachers accused of shit because the kids got into trouble so finding facts is the key
Finding facts is key, you're absolutely right. Not OP's duty though, I've explained above why. I'm so sorry you were attacked by a teacher. I would like to think things have changed since you were in school.
Andi2020 · 26/11/2020 20:28

Hand hold to you and your family.
This teacher is totally out off order
Straight to Principal and if you have a board off management they need to know.
If he gets away with it he could do worse and to several students.
I hope her class backs her up.
Some teachers love to banter but this is wrong.

RoseByAnyOtherName · 26/11/2020 20:29

In addition to the reasons already given another problem is the teacher's lack of insight into how his comments affect his pupils' ability to learn in his lessons. Presumably he (should) want the educational best for all his pupils, and if he is unaware of the discomfort his remarks could cause and how that distress could undermine DD's capacity to get the most out of his lessons, he should be coached to improve for that reason alone. Part of his role is to create an environment in which everyone feels psychologically safe as this will reduce emotional distractions allowing his pupils to concentrate on the lesson.

This is something to mention if the sexism and not reporting DD had disappeared are minimised as it is another a valid reason why it was wrong of him to say what he said.

lyralalala · 26/11/2020 20:30

@Hamm87

But you are not you have a child's word you have not said if other kids have confirmed it and how am I sticking up for a teacher I have said he is wrong I also said facts are needed from more then 1 source and speak to the head before ppl try and ruin a teacher any teachers life God I was attacked by a teacher at school he pulled my hair and pinned me to the floor and I was the one kicked out of school not him but if ppl were around it would have been a different story, I have also had really nice teachers accused of shit because the kids got into trouble so finding facts is the key
Digging for information is not the OP's job.

The OP's job is looking after her DD and believing her when she tells her that she has been humilated by sexist remarks from a creepy male.

You are sticking up for the teacher, because you are repeatedly downplaying his actions and looking for a way, any way, in which to divert some of the blame to the OP's DD.

QualityFeet · 26/11/2020 20:32

I am glad you are reporting. The other teacher should have too. It’s boundary pushing behaviour that goes against everything he has been trained to understand. Whether this is because he wants to find and exploit students or because he is a misogynistic cretin who gets off on the humiliation of girls is immaterial.

MorganKitten · 26/11/2020 20:34

@Hamm87

But you are not you have a child's word you have not said if other kids have confirmed it and how am I sticking up for a teacher I have said he is wrong I also said facts are needed from more then 1 source and speak to the head before ppl try and ruin a teacher any teachers life God I was attacked by a teacher at school he pulled my hair and pinned me to the floor and I was the one kicked out of school not him but if ppl were around it would have been a different story, I have also had really nice teachers accused of shit because the kids got into trouble so finding facts is the key
The child’s word... still needs to be investigated. Please stop trying to shame a child.
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:35

@Hamm87

Dd is not a child, she is a young woman.
Several of her classmates have confirmed the inappropriate behaviour as I stated upthread.
I have not and would not take part in ‘witch-hunts’.
I’m taking a clam and measured response that the situation requires.

I’m sorry that you weren’t listened to when you were younger Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:35

*calm

OP posts:
Buddytheelf85 · 26/11/2020 20:38

But you are not you have a child's word you have not said if other kids have confirmed it and how am I sticking up for a teacher I have said he is wrong I also said facts are needed from more then 1 source and speak to the head before ppl try and ruin a teacher

I think the OP has said the other kids have confirmed it actually.

But irrespective of that, fact finding isn’t really the OP’s job. Her DD has told her about this incident. If OP reports it to the school, the school will hold an internal investigation, like any employer would and should when an allegation is made about an employee. That’s when the fact finding will take place. If the allegation is found to be untrue or uncorroborated there won’t be any negative consequences for him.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 26/11/2020 20:39

Your daughter and you are right to complain. What a stupid comment to make. Why does he think his 16 year old student wearing a skirt is her doing a mating call of 'look at me look at me' for the boys. Is that how he was looking at her..... It's just horrible to think about.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 26/11/2020 20:40

I should have wrote for the boys attention.

twilightermummy · 26/11/2020 20:41

You need to act immediately. What he said was very sexual and he clearly wanted her to hear it by repeating himself. If she hadn't stood up for herself and reacted immediately or, tried to laugh it off as most women do in shock, then who knows what this could have led to? Bloody appalling.

Someone1987 · 26/11/2020 20:41

Times have changed. When I was at school 13(!)years ago, teachers were often saying comments. Like pointing out holes in tights under the table , watching us in the swimming pool or staring at our chest. One would tell another girl how pretty she was.
These days things are not allowed as they were before.
Could you have a word with the teacher yoursel?

lyralalala · 26/11/2020 20:42

Could you have a word with the teacher yoursel?

No offence, but that's the worst advice ever.

flaviaritt · 26/11/2020 20:42

I would absolutely be following this up with the HT or SLT. No question. A teacher who doesn’t know it is inappropriate to talk to students like this doesn’t know what is appropriate and not. So shouldn’t be teaching kids.

flaviaritt · 26/11/2020 20:43

Or young women.

DodgeRainClouds · 26/11/2020 20:46

It does not matter whatever the circumstances are this needs a complaint. It is 100% inappropriate and it needs dealing with straight away.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 26/11/2020 20:46

@Hamm87

All you're doing is trying to find a way, anyway at all, to get this guy off the hook and blame the daughter.
You seem to have no trouble at all making things up in order to blame the daughter in some way because that's what you find most believable; that the teenage girl is in the wrong. But you're just ignoring the OP and refusing to believe that this man could have said those things for no other reason than wanting a laugh at the expense of a young woman. Why is that so hard for you to believe even though the OP has been very clear? But you're making things up in order to blame the girl?
As I said, attitudes like yours have no place today.

Diva66 · 26/11/2020 20:47

@Hamm87

Ffs I am female I have said the teacher is in the wrong I also said more details should be collected and op I would be asking to speak to the head and sorry if note passing was part of her learning is that is the case which you should have said he had no reason to flag your dd and her friend so story does not fully add up but I would still rise it and find out the facts
Your ranting and sad attempt at backpedaling doesn’t add up @Hamm87. Please stay away from young people.
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:47

The reason that I’m emphasizing that dd is a young women and not a child because by calling her a child I feel that a poster is indicating a lack of legitimacy in her perception of the situation.
Though a child shouldn’t have less credibility either.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 26/11/2020 20:49

With children, sometimes there are issues with their perceptions of the situation. But that is for the people looking into this to consider. Your DD says this is what her teacher said to her. If true, that comment is not okay. It might not warrant him being sacked, but I think it would be a disciplinary, and for good reason.

GabsAlot · 26/11/2020 20:49

did dd tell another teacher today or is this previously

definitely complain he needs sacking

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 26/11/2020 20:50

@Hamm87
Your automatic response to this was to try and find a way to blame the daughter and excuse the teacher's unacceptable behaviour. That should not have been your first reaction. You should probably reflect on that and try to rethink your prejudice.

Ardenon · 26/11/2020 20:51

Teacher here.
Speak to your DD and write everything down including all previous allegations too
Be factual
Include the way it has made you dd feel.
Go to her form tutor and the head of sixth form this week. Ask to speak to them face to face if covid rules allow.
They should act immediately and take this incredibly seriously.
The teacher isn't fit to teach unless he is given a formal warning and given more guidance.
In the long run sounds like he won't last but he should be absolutely no where near your daughter.
If I had a complaint from a parent with their DD being put through this I'd absolutely hit the roof.
I'm sick of men on the whole so I'd have zero tolerance

strugglingtomakesenseofitall · 26/11/2020 20:53

The teacher's comments were totally inappropriate and I would say amount to sexual harassment. Complain, he needs to be nowhere near young people.

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