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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
MrsR87 · 26/11/2020 20:04

Thanks @Maireas

I assumed so but haven’t ever worked in a school with a sixth form and it wasn’t so everywhere when I was training!

AnneElliott · 26/11/2020 20:04

Glad you're reporting this formally op - it's completely out of line.

I get that you don't want to be all guns blazing but some people aren't suitable for certain professions and it's much easier to get rid earlier in their career. I would be horrified if a team member had said this to anyone at work (not teaching ) and I'd be disciplining them.

Hamm87 · 26/11/2020 20:05

Its not about the skirt I already said he went 2 far with that I personally think is wrong that when I kid sits down you can see there knickers thats what I find wrong, yes teacher was wrong about bringing it up and the makeup and no one knows if he followed it up when she ran off its all one-sided based on what a 16 year old who was caught passing messages has said so first thing I would do if find out from different sources what really happened and sorry is my opinion on kids wearing clothes that are borderline indecent seems to get ppls backs up, but I have my views and you have yours, oh and to the nasty person who pointed out my grammar can rot in hell I already know my grammar is shit and there is a reason behind that

Notthissticky · 26/11/2020 20:05

OP apologies, I missed where you said your DD had spoken to another teacher already. Assuming they're fulfilling their safeguarding duties correctly, they will have already reported this disclosure in writing to the safeguarding team. If I had a student making a similar disclosure, I would make sure the report reached the safeguarding team asap and ask them to read it as a matter of urgency, which I felt needed to be dealt with before the next school day. I don't know what the next step would be, but I'd hope the teacher wouldn't be teaching your DD's class tomorrow at the bare minimum.

lyralalala · 26/11/2020 20:05

And the ones I've encountered, not all had been abroad first (UAE/Dubai was popular, though, in the ones that had) fetched up overseas after dismissal because they can't even get a day supply job in the UK thanks to the obligatory safeguarding checks

I've encountered a couple of instances of that as well.

IHateCoronavirus · 26/11/2020 20:06

Your poor DD op. I’m glad the other kids in the class stood up against him, especially the boys. I have two teen boys and I hope to goodness they would do the same, having tried so hard to raise them to respect women.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:07

@Hamm87

They were not being disobedient in any way...sorry to disappoint. The note passing was part of work set by the teacher.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 26/11/2020 20:08

@Hamm87

Its not about the skirt I already said he went 2 far with that I personally think is wrong that when I kid sits down you can see there knickers thats what I find wrong, yes teacher was wrong about bringing it up and the makeup and no one knows if he followed it up when she ran off its all one-sided based on what a 16 year old who was caught passing messages has said so first thing I would do if find out from different sources what really happened and sorry is my opinion on kids wearing clothes that are borderline indecent seems to get ppls backs up, but I have my views and you have yours, oh and to the nasty person who pointed out my grammar can rot in hell I already know my grammar is shit and there is a reason behind that
Who has even said the girl was wearing a mini skirt?

Even if you could see her knickers the teacher's comments are out of line. That's what you are failing to see. Teacher's have ways to deal with inappropriate clothing. Humiliating pupils isn't one of them.

And he can't have followed it up or someone would have called the OP's house to check that the missing pupil had turned up at home...

Blobson · 26/11/2020 20:08

@Hamm87

Ok knew I would get shit just read update so no uniform still she is a child and not a hope in hell would I ever let a dd out in a mini skirt also they hmshoukd not be passing notes in class but yay to another witch hunt as you dd got upset she got caught out and called out he did take it too far just calling them out on the note would be enough
So if this is your argument then why aren't you criticising the teacher for his actions as well as the girl's? Because in this scenario a teacher would normally just say "stop passing notes" rather than discussing the teenage girl's skirt and lipstick as a way to reprimand her.

Or are you suggesting she's lying about what happened to get revenge on being told to stop passing notes? Because she has a whole class as witness to what actually happened.

Your response to this situation says a whole lot about you and how you view females.

middleeasternpromise · 26/11/2020 20:09

I think the main thing is no one should be able to use their- position and power to humiliate another person, this is also very gendered referencing her appearance and making assessments of her attractiveness is all shades of wrong. Teach your DD to trust her instincts and set a firm boundary on this type of behaviour. Sadly this may not be her last experience of this type of inappropriate conduct in a professional context where she has to have ongoing contact with the instigator - all the more reason to address it and hold a line rather than be confused into thinking a softer approach is best because the tension might increase.

If hes new in post he might need some retraining and supervision. 35 isn't that young, this sounds like the teacher is not fully caught up on his CPD. You are doing him a favor. 16-18 year olds are preparing to transition to the adult world they are between the world of child and adult and need support. There were so many other ways he could have dealt with a behaviour issue or even a concern about suitable presentation for the 6th form. His approach is not acceptable.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:10

@MitziK
@Maireas

Dubai

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 26/11/2020 20:12

Are you the teacher, @Hamm87? Way to go with victim shaming OP's DD. Hmm

pointythings · 26/11/2020 20:12

Keep digging, Hamm. Just keep right on digging.

You now know OP's DD did absolutely nothing wrong. No note passing.

Also this isn't just the word of one girl - there's a whole class full of witnesses.

Ready to row back yet?

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:14

I would just like to make it clear, there is absolutely no behaviour issues.

OP posts:
Hamm87 · 26/11/2020 20:15

Ffs I am female I have said the teacher is in the wrong I also said more details should be collected and op I would be asking to speak to the head and sorry if note passing was part of her learning is that is the case which you should have said he had no reason to flag your dd and her friend so story does not fully add up but I would still rise it and find out the facts

lyralalala · 26/11/2020 20:16

@Hamm87

Ffs I am female I have said the teacher is in the wrong I also said more details should be collected and op I would be asking to speak to the head and sorry if note passing was part of her learning is that is the case which you should have said he had no reason to flag your dd and her friend so story does not fully add up but I would still rise it and find out the facts
Story doesn't add up?

You're really are determined to make the actions of this man the fault of a teenage girl in his care come hell or high water.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 20:16

@Hamm87

I’m fully aware of the facts. You just refuse to accept them.

OP posts:
Kettledodger · 26/11/2020 20:19

Totally agree with this

Notthissticky · 26/11/2020 20:19

@Hamm87

Its not about the skirt I already said he went 2 far with that I personally think is wrong that when I kid sits down you can see there knickers thats what I find wrong, yes teacher was wrong about bringing it up and the makeup and no one knows if he followed it up when she ran off its all one-sided based on what a 16 year old who was caught passing messages has said so first thing I would do if find out from different sources what really happened and sorry is my opinion on kids wearing clothes that are borderline indecent seems to get ppls backs up, but I have my views and you have yours, oh and to the nasty person who pointed out my grammar can rot in hell I already know my grammar is shit and there is a reason behind that
You seem to be getting really upset on girls wearing inappropriate clothing. How often have you actually seen this happen? I think you might find the problem exists primarily in your imagination.

The note passing is a complete non-issue in sixth form. If I'd seen sixth formers pass notes like they do in lower school I would've just teased them that it was a bit immature. In lower school, I'd make a big deal out of it.

You are so, so wrong to tell OP she should find out what happened from different sources first. She is a mother, her first duty is to protect her daughter, which means believing her and taking her seriously. Her daughter is 16, by which age most pupils are quite mature. This is not a small child whining about a teacher being unfair, without understanding the situation fully. The school will no doubt speak to all parties present to determine what happened. They will know how to do this; asking the wrong kind of questions in a safeguarding case can invalidate the evidence, which is yet another reason why OP shouldn't be taking matters into her own hands.

Rainbowfairysparkle · 26/11/2020 20:20

Totally inappropriate! Definitely send in a letter of complaint! Speak to the headteacher about it too! Good luck!

Kettledodger · 26/11/2020 20:20

Sorry meant to say totally agree with this

8Story doesn't add up?

You're really are determined to make the actions of this man the fault of a teenage girl in his care come hell or high water.8

Hamm87 · 26/11/2020 20:24

But you are not you have a child's word you have not said if other kids have confirmed it and how am I sticking up for a teacher I have said he is wrong I also said facts are needed from more then 1 source and speak to the head before ppl try and ruin a teacher any teachers life God I was attacked by a teacher at school he pulled my hair and pinned me to the floor and I was the one kicked out of school not him but if ppl were around it would have been a different story, I have also had really nice teachers accused of shit because the kids got into trouble so finding facts is the key

Brefugee · 26/11/2020 20:25

Could it be the teacher is sick and tired of girls rolling there skirts up going against uniform rules and was just trying to make a point 🤔 maybe not the best way

yeah - let's keep up with the victim-blamey sexist bullshit.

Maireas · 26/11/2020 20:26

@Whatwouldyoydo - Dubai. Figures.

KodakNancyEurope · 26/11/2020 20:26

@Whatwouldyoydo

So this is exactly what happened....

Boy passes dd a piece of paper.
Teacher - “is that a love letter?”
Dd- no we’re just friends
Teacher- “boys got no chance with you anyway”.
Is it a love letter for boy 2?
Dd- no - we’re just friends.

Teacher- “is that why you wear short skirts and lipstick”?

Silence everyone goes quiet.

Teacher-louder “is that why you wear short skirts and lipstick dd??”

Young people all look uncomfortable.

Teacher- well I’ve got to get my laughs somehow haven’t I??

Dd left the room.

WHAT THE FUCKING ACTUAL SHIT

I left school in 1998 and believe me a teacher we had was sacked for less.

What a bullying, woman hating piece of fucking shit this guy is.

I hope he loses his job.