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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
Wheresmykimchi · 01/12/2020 17:05

@lyralalala

And before your Dd realises that she was targeted by a predator and no-one is making a fuss about that. In fact she was just left to deal with him, on her own, again.
This is all escalating.

His behaviour was outrageous. He should be suspended at the very least and up in front of the GTCS.

But DD is not dealing with a 'predator on her own'

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 17:19

Thank you @Wheresmykimchi

I’m not a big fan of the emotive language being used and the escalation.
However I do understand the strength of feeling and I appreciate ALL the responses wether I agree or like them.

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 01/12/2020 17:20

Letting DD take the lead is a huge amount of pressure on her.

She should be telling you what she wants to do, and you should be consulting with her. But you and your DH need to step up in this unprecedented (for the three of you) situation, and be the adults. This must be scary enough for you, and to be fair, it reads as if you’re a bit paralysed. So it’s going to much, much harder for a 16 to have the wisdom and foresight to lead this situation adequately.

No matter how mature she is, she is not an adult.

D4rwin · 01/12/2020 17:26

Completely inappropriate. Yes. Go to town. Your daughter isn't an adult but maybe agree with her what you do (I'd write an email asking to meet with the department head or year head). You can set the example of responding to such crap.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 17:26

But DD is not dealing with a 'predator on her own'

She is. She was the one who was left to deal with him, again, yesterday. She should never have been in that position.

So far not one single adult has said "Stay away from OP's DD". Not one.

FloraButterCookie · 01/12/2020 17:33

That’s shocking! I’m not a teacher but I’d least expect that of a new teacher as they are so fresh out of training.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 17:34

*She should be telling you what she wants to do, and you should be consulting with her

That’s really what’s happening.

Dd is all you say she is. Strong, assertive and articulate. Dd has expressively asked me not to do what I want to do.... which is what some of you are advising.

In a way - I am paralysed. Not because I’m unable to take action, or unwilling.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 17:36

So far not one single adult has said "Stay away from OP's DD". Not one.

We have - yesterday to the head. Until the investigation is over he should not approach or attempt to talk to our dd.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 17:37

We assumed the head would have told him that Angry or that he would have known that Angry but apparently it had to be spelled out explicitly.

OP posts:
Ewock · 01/12/2020 17:43

I work in a school and a complaint like this would mean the teacher suspended whilst the investigation was completed. It's shocking that your dd is in a situation where she is being taught by him, completely inappropriate whilst an investigation is happening. I would be contacting the head of governors and the LA to inform them of firstly the complaint and then what is happening in school since the complaint. They are not following procedures.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 17:45

@Whatwouldyoydo

So far not one single adult has said "Stay away from OP's DD". Not one.

We have - yesterday to the head. Until the investigation is over he should not approach or attempt to talk to our dd.

This isn’t a dig at you, but that was after your DD had to defend herself again...

She should never have been in his class yesterday.

Now I know you’ll likely say that she wanted to not miss a lesson or get behind, but these are the decisions that need to be out of her hands. She’s 16.

You’ve already said she’s worried about being separated from her classmates and that it’s a new school so she’ll be worrying about what people think. That may seem like why it’s a good idea to follow her line exactly, but it’s the opposite. It’s why she shouldn’t be left with the pressure of making decisions.

This is school whose pupil support staff - the very people students are most likely to report problems to - suggested resolution by a private meeting between a child and the adult who’d made a sexual comment. This school has a problem. That means you need to be the ones making the difficult decisions that your DD may not fully agree with right now.

Anyway I will leave the thread now. This was my life working in schools too long to ever be able to stay quiet when I see mention of a school getting it so so so wrong

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 17:48

@lyralalala

I am very grateful for your posts and appreciate your advice.

OP posts:
MadameMiggeldy · 01/12/2020 17:58

@Whatwouldyoydo

It’s really LADO territory as people have mentioned upthread. Agree that making decisions around what happens next should not be led by your DD, however articulate and self aware. There are all sorts of factors here - worrying about her exams, reactions and pressures from classmates, worry about the teacher. The school sound at best inept and at worst colluding to cover up and minimise. Schools can and do close ranks.

Andi2020 · 01/12/2020 18:01

@Whatwouldyoydo please advise your dd not to attend his class until this is sorted as school will see this as your dd, yourself and your DH been ok with it even though you know your not if you carry on as normal so will they.
Can you not ask to have a meeting Asap with the school.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 18:12

Dd will not be attending class with him.

OP posts:
MerchantOfVenom · 01/12/2020 18:39

Dd is all you say she is. Strong, assertive and articulate. Dd has expressively asked me not to do what I want to do.... which is what some of you are advising.

If you’re sure your DD’s decisions and course of action are motivated by what’s actually best for her and this situation with, as I say, the wisdom and foresight of a 16YO, then so be it.

Wheresmykimchi · 01/12/2020 18:40

@lyralalala

But DD is not dealing with a 'predator on her own'

She is. She was the one who was left to deal with him, again, yesterday. She should never have been in that position.

So far not one single adult has said "Stay away from OP's DD". Not one.

That's very different from being left to deal with it in her own. What is OP doing here in the first place?
Rinoachicken · 01/12/2020 18:45

The thing with just following your daughter is, similar to abused children, her response is coming from a place of fear. Like a PP said, her not wishing to make a big deal out of of is nothing to do with how humiliated and distressed she felt at the time (as evidenced by her fleeing the room), but other concerns now influencing her decision making such as classmates, schoolwork, etc.

Abused children often do not wish to get their abuser into trouble. Does that mean we should follow their wishes and never punish abusers then?

I’m not saying she’s been abused, but it’s a similar thought process

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 01/12/2020 18:45

Call the school first thing and ask to speak to the named person for child protection/safeguarding. Speak only to them. If anyone even remotely attempts to fob you off, saying they'll call you back later or similar, don't accept it. Every school has this named person and another to act if they are for any reason unavailable. It's the law.

BrowncoatWaffles · 01/12/2020 18:49

What happened with the call @Whatwouldyoydo?

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 18:53

@BrowncoatWaffles

Nothing.

It’s a timed 5 minute session. The teacher told us everything you’d expect a teacher to discuss about progress etc for 5 minutes ...you see it timed down and then it expires.... the teachers can’t control it.

Dh and I did not say one word.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 18:55

I’ve told dd that I will wait to see what the investigation outcome is as she requested, but
Then I will be doing everything recommended on this thread. (Dd doesn’t know about the thread...but hopefully you know what I mean).

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 02/12/2020 07:41

[quote Whatwouldyoydo]@BrowncoatWaffles

Nothing.

It’s a timed 5 minute session. The teacher told us everything you’d expect a teacher to discuss about progress etc for 5 minutes ...you see it timed down and then it expires.... the teachers can’t control it.

Dh and I did not say one word.[/quote]
I bet that freaked him out.

GreenlandTheMovie · 02/12/2020 08:02

I would send the school a formal letter, possibly even a solicitor's letter, asking them to outline their procedures on safeguarding, so that they can be judged on whether they are complying with these on this matter.

Rinoachicken · 02/12/2020 08:09

No need to request their safeguarding procedure. It should be freely available in full on their website