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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
5863921l · 30/11/2020 23:26

You shouldn't speak to him because no matter what you say, the school can then gloss it over by saying an apology was given and received, matter resolved via a meeting with the parents, misunderstanding ironed out and teacher expressed regret for any upset unintentionally caused etc.

It doesn't matter what you say.

Nikhedonia · 30/11/2020 23:51

I'm not sure if engage with the teacher until the investigation has taken place. I'd also say that I wasn't comfortable with DD being taught by him in the intervening period either.

5863921l · 30/11/2020 23:56

I'd also say that I wasn't comfortable with DD being taught by him in the intervening period either.

Definitely!!!

Wheresmykimchi · 01/12/2020 00:01

@5863921l

You shouldn't speak to him because no matter what you say, the school can then gloss it over by saying an apology was given and received, matter resolved via a meeting with the parents, misunderstanding ironed out and teacher expressed regret for any upset unintentionally caused etc.

It doesn't matter what you say.

This
Noddyandbiggerears · 01/12/2020 00:10

This is awful and I hope the school come back with some clear plan as at the moment it sounds all very lax.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 08:48

Okay, so we’ve sent an email stating that we would like dds report in writing as we don’t want to attend a parents evening with teacher currently.

I’m waiting to talk to dd about it. Dd has mentioned that she doesn’t want to be moved from her classmates.
Dd hasn’t had an easy time and this is a new school and she’s met some lovely people. I don’t want to risk jeopardizing what dd wants.
I think they’re not doing what they should be.

OP posts:
Riv · 01/12/2020 09:10

Well done you. It’s so tough, but you are really doing the right, professional thing here. Unfortunately it looks like the school is not.
The teacher should have been replaced for your daughter’s class until this is fully sorted. The victim (ie your daughter) should not have to suffer any change, eg being moved from her classmates, unless she really wants that. The perpetrator should be the one to move and change. It’s what would be expected to happen in a workplace when an adult employee has a similar grievance- and as this is an offence against a child, therefore more serious.
Sorry to say I think you might need to prepare to take this higher. Maybe make sure the head of governors as well as the safeguarding lead, is copied in to all correspondence as a next step? I’d keep the teachers standards agency referral in your back pocket until you are sure things are not being dealt with with the seriousness that it deserves at school level.

Fluffybutter · 01/12/2020 09:32

Just read the whole thread .
I’m so shocked and really sad for your dd , it seems this teacher literally has no fucking clue or he’s just arrogant .
I really hope your dd is ok and this so called teacher gets a decent bollocking for his disgusting behaviour.
Definitely decline to speak to him for parents evening , I’d struggle not to say something I’d possibly not regret if I had to speak to him .
Good luck.

ThrawnCow · 01/12/2020 14:27

I'd be tempted to phone the LADO for advice at this stage, as mentioned upthread. They really are not prioritising safeguarding.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 01/12/2020 14:57

Why would you cancel your parent's evening appointment? That's just showing the school that you want to he as awkward as possible and cannot put one issue aside in order to get an evaluation on how your daughter is doing.
You should simply have started the call saying "we dont want to discuss the issue currently being investigated so let's put that aside and just discuss her school". Send an email beforehand to the head and make teacher saying that so it's in writing, but dont cancel the entire thing.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 15:05

@WhereverIGoddamnLike

Why would you cancel your parent's evening appointment? That's just showing the school that you want to he as awkward as possible and cannot put one issue aside in order to get an evaluation on how your daughter is doing. You should simply have started the call saying "we dont want to discuss the issue currently being investigated so let's put that aside and just discuss her school". Send an email beforehand to the head and make teacher saying that so it's in writing, but dont cancel the entire thing.
No, it’s showing that at least someone grasps the fact that it’s inappropriate for the OP and this teacher to be having a private conversation at the moment.

If it was in school then the Head could have sat in on the conversation, but this appointment should 100% be cancelled from both the OP’s POV and the teacher’s POV

The school are badly handling this from all angles because had the OP’s dd spoke to him privately, as he requested, he could have found himself accused of anything.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 15:06

@ThrawnCow

I'd be tempted to phone the LADO for advice at this stage, as mentioned upthread. They really are not prioritising safeguarding.
I’ve said this several times. They will be a good source of advice, will likely alert the school so the school will know you are not accepting them ignoring this and, crucially, they are more likely to be aware if there are any other issues so can advise accurately.
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 15:11

We’ve not sent the email. (Without telling me)
Dh hung fire on it while he waited to speak to dd.
Dd wants us to attend the meeting so we will.

It’s in 30 minutes.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 01/12/2020 15:15

You need to take the lead on this. Your daughter is a child and whilst she’s very mature and you need need to take her wishes into account, you need to make decisions on this.

You are being remarkably passive about this. This man made a sexual predatory comment to your DD and you are allowing the school to be very wishy-washy.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 15:42

@lyralalala

Yes- if you knew me you’d def be Shock
I agree I am being passive.

I’m trying to follow dd’s lead right now.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 01/12/2020 15:52

Following her lead is one thing. Failing to protect her from this teacher and allowing the school to brush it under the carpet is another.

Passiveness is how men like him thrive.

Having a private conversation with this man while he’s under investigation is completely inappropriate and it’s highly likely your willingness to chat to him will be used as “mr x has spoken to Parents and it was fine”.

It could easily even be used by him against your DD “your mum and dad spoke to me so they’re obviously fine with me”.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 01/12/2020 15:56

Your daughter is too young to take the lead on this. Be her parent.
Continue with dealing with the school calmly for all her other stuff, but with this you need to start pushing a bit.

WhereverIGoddamnLike · 01/12/2020 15:59

@lyralalala

No it isnt. You can very easily stare very clearly that you are angry and do not want him involve in her future schooling, but still need to speak with him (as her main teacher) to ensure her academic work up until now has been going fine. It is also very easy for the head to sit in on a teams meeting. This all could have been easily arranged.

Rinoachicken · 01/12/2020 16:01

I was raped by a teacher at my school. It was a while before it came out. My parents didn’t know what to do and followed the schools lead. The school promptly closed ranks and covered it up and I was expelled. Police at the time said they couldn’t do anything because school had already ‘interviewed’ him so he’d already been alerted people were on to him. He continued in teaching.

A few years later, when I was over 18, I reported it to the police myself. He was arrested, and the police found evidence of the school changing statements and the cover up. They had enough evidence to charge him.

Please don’t blindly follow the schools lead. Schools do not always prioritise their students best interests.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 16:04

[quote WhereverIGoddamnLike]@lyralalala

No it isnt. You can very easily stare very clearly that you are angry and do not want him involve in her future schooling, but still need to speak with him (as her main teacher) to ensure her academic work up until now has been going fine. It is also very easy for the head to sit in on a teams meeting. This all could have been easily arranged.[/quote]
It’s not appropriate given yesterday said teacher misused teams in an attempt to push the OP’s DD.

Parents night should never have any surprises anyway so there’s no need for a conversation between that teacher and the OP today.

It’s ridiculously poor from the school. Not only should they not be allowing this during the investigation anyway, but they’re not even safeguarding their staff member. The OP and her husband could say he said anything in this meeting, equally they could say anything to him, and the situation could be escalated even further.

No private conversation should be happening right now. And it never would have happened in any school I worked in.

It shows another level of laxness on the part of the school.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 16:31

@Rinoachicken I’m so sorry that happened to you Flowers

Please know I’m not blindly following the schools lead and I take this situation very seriously.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 01/12/2020 16:34

@lyralalala

I mostly agree with everything you’ve said.
I’m currently allowing myself to be guided by my DH and dd who want to see what the outcome of the ‘investigation’ is before proceeding with further complaints.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 01/12/2020 16:47

Seeing what happens is fair enough. Pretending it’s all fine in the mean time is a very random way to deal with it and risks encouraging the school not to make a fuss.

Allowing a 16-year-old, who was humiliated and is likely worried about being separated from her classmates and being talked about, to lead the way is extremely unwise.

Anyway, I’ll stop bleating on. I just hope at some point the seriousness of the multiple safeguarding failings of the school hit home for someone. Before this teacher, or any others who slip through the net there, targets a child that doesn’t have the strength of your DD.

lyralalala · 01/12/2020 16:48

And before your Dd realises that she was targeted by a predator and no-one is making a fuss about that. In fact she was just left to deal with him, on her own, again.

FatCatThinCat · 01/12/2020 17:03

He should have been suspended pending an investigation. The fact that he is still in position and being given opportunities to further harass your daughter is disgraceful. I'd be livid if it were my child and there's no way I'd be chatting to him at parents evening as if everything was fine.

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