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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you do? Teachers advise 🙏 please

586 replies

Whatwouldyoydo · 26/11/2020 17:20

My 16 yr old dd has just called me in tears.
Currently in 6th form and has been having issues with a male teacher, quite young tries to be funny but often misses the mark.
Several time he’s made wtf comments etc
Today he announced loudly that ‘ Claire wears short skirts to attract the boys” and when no one responded as they were quite shocked he said it again louder.
Dd was so upset she left the room for the toilet and her friend brought her the bag as class was ending.
Dd feels shamed. Fwiw dd dresses totally appropriately. (Dds name is not really Claire)

Dd said she’s complained to another teacher at school about it. Apparently the teacher in question was very anxious when dd didn’t return to class and probably realised he’s overstepped and was asking the girls to txt dd.
What would you do? Leave it for dd to manage the follow up or step up and intervene.

OP posts:
lyralalala · 30/11/2020 17:25

@Whatwouldyoydo

The head emphasised that the teacher would be reminded of protocol in bold... so I’m not sure if he’s blasé or desperate at this point 🤷‍♀️

I’m also aware that the witnesses have not been spoken to.

That sounds as woolly as fuck tbh.

I would be prepared to escalate this when you get the "We've had a word so it's all done now" message.

Andi2020 · 30/11/2020 18:25

As a member off a board of management in a secondary school. I would advise you do not talk to your dd friends the witnesses as it can be viewed you tried to get information from them
Trust your own dd 100% and deal with the school by letter and email not by phone as no backup off conversation
This teacher is totally out off order and I hope he gets sacked.
Some teachers like to think they are funny but this is definitely not funny and thankfully no one in the class laughed.
I hope you and your dd get through this.
💛

5863921l · 30/11/2020 18:34

Your DD is really incredible.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 30/11/2020 18:41

@Andi2020

I haven’t spoken to dds friends- dd just told me that they hadn’t been spoken to and then said - before you ask we haven’t discussed it!

But one week off and one week in ... I doubt they’d have had the time.

OP posts:
BrooklynBelle · 30/11/2020 19:01

As a new mum, please tell me how you have parented in order to raise such a strong, boundaried young woman. Smile🙌🏽🙌🏽

Newkitchen123 · 30/11/2020 19:04

What a strong young lady she is!
What a knob he is!

Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 19:13

@Whatwouldyoydo

The head emphasised that the teacher would be reminded of protocol in bold... so I’m not sure if he’s blasé or desperate at this point 🤷‍♀️

I’m also aware that the witnesses have not been spoken to.

This is not protocol.

How ironic that she's prattling about protocol when her own staff didn't follow it dealing with an incident which has sod all to do with protocol.

scrivette · 30/11/2020 19:57

I just wanted to say that your DD sounds like a very sensible young lady. She has acted completely appropriately and sensibly during this, I am sure you are very proud of her. I don't think that I would have acted as calm and rationally as she has even when I was older.

I hope that the head takes this as seriously as it needs to be taken and appropriate measures are put into place.

MiniMum97 · 30/11/2020 20:39

@GhostPenguin

I used to be a teacher. In my first year teaching a year 3 class I was modeling some poor writing and I accidentally said "this is just crap isn't it?" It just slipped out and a few of the kids seemed really shocked and I was terrified I was going to get complaints about inappropriate language from parents. At the end of the day I went to the deputy heads office in tears.

Anyway, this doesn't sound like that. He needs to be seriously pulled up. Especially, but not only, because it's not the first time. Go straight to the Head on this one and let them know how exactly how inappropriate this is and ask to be kept informed about the action taken.

This is why I could never be a teacher. I would literally be doing that shit constantly!
Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 20:54

@Whatwouldyoydo

I’m not sure it’s going to be addressed tbh. The man is remarkably blasé about the whole thing. Messaging dd during the lesson that he should be teaching and she should be learning...dd said she felt pressure and that he was winding the class up early for the apology while he was calling out to random teachers walking by to come and bear witness. Not sure he gives a shiny shit.
This gets worse with every update
Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 20:55

@WiddlinDiddlin

Surely to be worth anything, any apology he gives needs to be given in front of the class, at the very least...

All this aftermath seems massively inappropriate and he seems so laid back about it.. like this isn't the first time and he has got away with such behaviour in the past with a minor slap on the wrists rather than any serious action, so doesn't think there will be any serious repercussions this time!

No an apology shouldn't be given in front of the whole class. This is terrible advice.
Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 20:57

Also intrigued to know how parents evening went...

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 30/11/2020 21:18

Parents evening tomorrow.

After today, I fully expect him to be present. I really do hope so.

It’ll be on teams, DH will be present. Unfortunately it’ll time down and end after 5 minutes. The school are saying that the teachers can’t control it 😊😂

OP posts:
lyralalala · 30/11/2020 21:24

@Whatwouldyoydo

Parents evening tomorrow.

After today, I fully expect him to be present. I really do hope so.

It’ll be on teams, DH will be present. Unfortunately it’ll time down and end after 5 minutes. The school are saying that the teachers can’t control it 😊😂

I really would advise you not to speak to this man.

Really, really would.

Unless he is accompanied/supervised by another member of staff and it has been pre-agreed he will only discuss academic progress then the only thing that you should say to him, if you must at all, is "Obviously it would be inappropriate for us to speak to you at the moment while your conduct toward our daughter is being investigated."

donquixotedelamancha · 30/11/2020 21:37

The head emphasised that the teacher would be reminded of protocol in bold... so I’m not sure if he’s blasé or desperate at this point

I started off saying this was resolvable but holy fuck this bloke is a dickhead. He needs to find a new profession.

I would reply in writing to the head asking him to confirm that an investigation has taken place and the witnesses have been spoken to. I would suggest that if they haven't done so by tomorrow you will need to refer the matter to the Teacher's Regulatory Authority and Ofsted because you don't think they are treating the matter seriously enough.

I would make sure that the head himself understands the detailed transcript of what was said, the fact that the support staff referred to this teacher as a sexist git yet still tried to make your DD go to him alone and the sheer level of distress his comments caused.

(I know you've probably done this, but just in case there is any chance of ambiguity or a message being missed- because I'm very surprised he's still on that class)

Once again, your daughter is doing great.

Original poster
Whatwouldyoydo · 30/11/2020 21:38

I’m not sure I should refuse to speak to him when dd was taught by him today.
I’d like to get the make of him tbh I’ve never met him.

OP posts:
donquixotedelamancha · 30/11/2020 21:46

I’m not sure I should refuse to speak to him when dd was taught by him today. I’d like to get the make of him tbh I’ve never met him.

I don't think he'll be there if you send an email tomorrow making clear the level of investigation you expect to happen. Don't refuse, just make clear what you want to occur and if it doesn't happen, collect what witness statements you can and send it to the TRA yourselves. If it gets to that point the teachers on here can help.

Total creeps can often come across very convincingly when cornered. I don't think it matters whether he's that or a lesser problem- an unbiased process needs to be followed now, no matter what you think of him personally.

lyralalala · 30/11/2020 21:51

@Whatwouldyoydo

I’m not sure I should refuse to speak to him when dd was taught by him today. I’d like to get the make of him tbh I’ve never met him.
Your daughter may have been taught by him today (which should never have happened), but she had to leave the lesson because he was, once again, inappropriate toward her.

You're not going to get the make of him whatsoever because you are going to get whatever version he feels will benefit him the most.

Everyone else involved in this - the teacher, student support and the school - are taking this very relaxed. Someone (other than your daughter) needs to start handling it with the seriousness it deserves and it looks likely that will have to be you.

It's inappropriate for a teacher being investigated for serious misconduct toward a pupil (and there are now three issues - the comment, the not bothering about her missing and now pressuring her) to have a conversation with that pupil's parents. He may not think it's inappropriate, and the school may not, but that's because they aren't taking it seriously.

Your daughter should never have been in his lesson today. That was a ridiculous decision by the school and the teacher. I think the vast majority of us on the thread who have experience of working in schools would have strongly advised against it if we'd realised.

lyralalala · 30/11/2020 21:52

Have the school even acknowledged the issue with the student support teacher yet?

Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 21:54

@Whatwouldyoydo

I’m not sure I should refuse to speak to him when dd was taught by him today. I’d like to get the make of him tbh I’ve never met him.
Nope , I'd also refuse to deal with him until your complaint is dealt with to your satisfaction.

By the absolute shit show its been so far you risk a I've spoken to mum and the issue is resolved.

I work in a school. Kick up as much as a stink as you can. email and refuse to speak to this man. I also wouldn't have DD in his class again until this is dealt with to your satisfaction. Mention the messaging and tell them if this isn't dealt with and pronto you are taking this further.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/11/2020 21:54

Ok maybe not apology to the OP's DD specifically but im sure there were others in the class who felt his behaviour was inappropriate, were made to feel uncomfortable about it and are owed an apology?

Of course whatever happens the OP's DD needs to be comfortable with it, but I fear a private apology leaves the rest of the class thinking its ok, that nothing has been done.. etc etc.

Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 21:57

@WiddlinDiddlin

Ok maybe not apology to the OP's DD specifically but im sure there were others in the class who felt his behaviour was inappropriate, were made to feel uncomfortable about it and are owed an apology?

Of course whatever happens the OP's DD needs to be comfortable with it, but I fear a private apology leaves the rest of the class thinking its ok, that nothing has been done.. etc etc.

Apologising publicly does nothing more than make the DD even more embarassed than she already is.

It is nothing to do with the students what is or isn't done , unfortunately dignity at work protects him on the score.

lyralalala · 30/11/2020 22:18

@WiddlinDiddlin

Ok maybe not apology to the OP's DD specifically but im sure there were others in the class who felt his behaviour was inappropriate, were made to feel uncomfortable about it and are owed an apology?

Of course whatever happens the OP's DD needs to be comfortable with it, but I fear a private apology leaves the rest of the class thinking its ok, that nothing has been done.. etc etc.

As much as I don't want to stick up for him in any way, he shouldn't apologise until after the investigation and even then any apology would have to be very carefully planned so as not to humiliate the OP's DD any further.

He shouldn't actually be interacting with any of the kids involved at this time. He shouldn't have been taking that class today.

CrimsonCattery · 30/11/2020 22:46

I would recommend requesting his feedback from parents evening in writing rather than on a call.

Wheresmykimchi · 30/11/2020 23:10

@lyralalala, you're right. This whole thing has become odd.

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