AIBU about his kidd xmas day?

[MyWitzEnd]

DH has two kids aged 21 and 18. This year they are coming to is supposedly for xmas. DH has just told me that his DD wants them to come on the 23rd and go home on the 25th. This would mean i would be in my own for nearly three hours xmas day as he does the round trip. I had bo choice other than to agree and now feel mean at feeling cross.

In terms of where you have your own children, of course they are important and have to factor into the compromise. And that is something you know before you have kids with that person. The parents and children should all be able to see eachother so you factor all of that in. It depends on the circumstances- ages of the children, where they live and travel distance etc.

To be fair OP has only mentioned adult children of hers. None mentioned that are shared or little such that this arrangement is unreasonable in her circumstances. And it is her we are responding to not saying this sort of arrangement would necessarily work in all cases

How is it completely different? People act like it’s only the stepmums that have made the choice to enter the marriage and have to deal with the consequences thereof. The dad chose to get married and enjoy the benefits of that, in my book that precludes him from making decisions unilaterally that affect OP and that she just has to suck up. Especially when the children involved are adults.

@Coffeepot72

You should realise that step children, even grown up ones, trump everyone and everything else. Permanently.

yes that's what everybody is saying.

This, or that your own children should be at the very bottom of the list of the people to spend Christmas with. How unreasonable is the DH!

No wonder so many people are so miserable around Christmas and MN full of outraged/sad/upset/shocked/incandescent with rage posts on Christmas day!

@Coffeepot72

You should realise that step children, even grown up ones, trump everyone and everything else. Permanently.

They really don't. It depends on the circumstances. Here, I think many posters just don't see how it is that unreasonable when it isnt that long, OP hasn't said she can't go along, and usually in a healthy positive relationship step children and their step parents want to see eachother so actually this would be welcome.

Step children do not come first in some circumstances just as children generally don't in some circumstances. Everything is a compromise - and here, everyone cannot spend all the time together all of the time. Dad isn't seeing his kids all of the day children aren't seeing him all of the day, wife isn't seeing him all of the day (though to be fair could if she went in the car)

Go with him and see some Christmas lights on the way & listen to Christmas music.

Sounds quite nice to me!

Put it another way, if my new husband was sulking because I wanted to see my own kids on Christmas Eve and drive them on Christmas Day, and the focus would not be on him the entire day, I would call him controlling and tell him to grow up.

@upsidedownwavylegs

How is it completely different? People act like it’s only the stepmums that have made the choice to enter the marriage and have to deal with the consequences thereof. The dad chose to get married and enjoy the benefits of that, in my book that precludes him from making decisions unilaterally that affect OP and that she just has to suck up. Especially when the children involved are adults.

but he is compromising in not saying actually I want to see them all day so I shall.

I mean I actually know someone who spends xmas with the ex because the parents want to see their children all day on xmas...!

Only in bizarro MN land are kids adults on their 18th birthday.

Only in bizarro MN land are kids not expected to have a sliding scale of development, including empathy and consideration, up to and beyond turning 18, and are just given the blanket excuse of "they're still kids" for absolutely any call for emotional maturity well into their 20s. I don't expect kids to suddenly develop the ability to think of and care about others when they are 18, I expect them to have been building on their a ability to do so for many years beforehand.

A 21 year old is certainly an adult in my eyes, they may not be financially independent but they should not be acting like a selfish teen.

@NoPainNoTartine

Put it another way, if my new husband was sulking because I wanted to see my own kids on Christmas Eve and drive them on Christmas Day, and the focus would not be on him the entire day, I would call him controlling and tell him to grow up.

exactly this. Now I have my own daughter you can be sure that if my husband said I couldn't see her for part of the day because he would have to fend for himself for 3 hours (or come in the car with me) I would be seriously questioning the relationship. And I'm sure if I came on here and did a thread about it people would be telling me to LTB. It seems you get different advice depending on who has the problem

You should realise that step children, even grown up ones, trump everyone and everything else. Permanently

This makes you sound rather petulant. And childish.

Presumably OP lives with her husband, and sees him every single day of the year. And he does not seem to live with his children, and so does not see them every day of the year....its fairly obvious that on Xmas day he's more bothered about spending some of it with his children than spending all of it with OP.
Which is exactly as it should be.

Ok give them breakfast and wave them goodbye, then prepare fabulous lunch for you and DH to share ALONE. Nice wine and all YOUR favourite nibbles. Go on enjoy yourselves knowing everybody has done what they wanted. Pat yourselves on the back.

@aSofaNearYou

Only in bizarro MN land are kids adults on their 18th birthday.

Only in bizarro MN land are kids not expected to have a sliding scale of development, including empathy and consideration, up to and beyond turning 18, and are just given the blanket excuse of "they're still kids" for absolutely any call for emotional maturity well into their 20s. I don't expect kids to suddenly develop the ability to think of and care about others when they are 18, I expect them to have been building on their a ability to do so for many years beforehand.

A 21 year old is certainly an adult in my eyes, they may not be financially independent but they should not be acting like a selfish teen.

selfish to want to see your Dad on actual Xmas day?!

Am I the only step mum that would do the drive myself?!

@NoPainNoTartine

Put it another way, if my new husband was sulking because I wanted to see my own kids on Christmas Eve and drive them on Christmas Day, and the focus would not be on him the entire day, I would call him controlling and tell him to grow up.

Goodness. I hope you wouldn’t be expecting him to contribute to any of the domestic work Christmas involves in that scenario.

selfish to want to see your dad on actual Xmas day?!

Selfish to want him to drive 3 hours and leave his OH alone for that time rather than doing the far more considerate thing of seeing one on Christmas day and one on Boxing Day, yes.

Alternatively, if it's the dad pushing for this set up, then selfish of him to unilaterally make the decision without considering OP.

Am I the only step mum that would do the drive myself?!

No. I would too.

Yanbu.

Any other day then yes, it's only 3 hours. But on Xmas day? That's rude in my opinion

but he is compromising in not saying actually I want to see them all day so I shall.

I’ve literally no idea where you’re getting that from. It doesn’t sound like the adult children have offered him that option at all. The issue on the table isn’t OP stopping him from seeing them on Christmas Day, it’s that they said they were coming for Christmas this year and then elaborated that this actually meant coming until 12:30 then their father doing a three hour round trip (leaving his wife alone at home) to drop them at their mum’s for, to be honest, their actual Christmas Day.

It wouldn't worry me, sometimes we have this (I have grown up stepchildren that until they drive, needed taking from one parent to another). Sometimes we would drive them there (granted a shorted journey - 1.5 hour round trip) and sometimes their mum would collect them and pop in for a drink (we all get on really well). For a longer journey could they both meet half way?
(Driving lessons could be a good Christmas present though 😉)

*until they drove, not drive (they do now)

Any other day then yes, it's only 3 hours. But on Xmas day? That's rude in my opinion

Rude? To OP? So to not be rude he should....not have his kids to stay at all? Send them home the day before? Not let them leave until the day after? What?

@Clymene

You haven't answered the question about their mum *@MyWitzEnd*

Will she be on her own for Christmas if her children don't go? And who moved 1.5 hours away - your husband or their mum?

Sorry missed that. She is remarried - she moved away. She refuses point blank to ever do drop off or pick up and we even had to do it on the day of DHs mums funeral. So had to leave the wake early. She has a car - if that is ypur next question! By the way - its a boy and a girl. They arent interested in their dad at all - didnt ring once when he had covid - they just want presents.

@upsidedownwavylegs

I’m seriously baffled as to how this guy is expected to make a Christmas dinner for 4pm when he’s going out at half 12 for three hours. He must be some cook.

How long do you think it takes to make Christmas dinner for 2 people? It's only a big roast, nearly all of which can be prepared the morning or day before.

@VinylDetective

Am I the only step mum that would do the drive myself?!

No. I would too.

Glad there are others. I don't plan to leave my DH but if things didn't work out I would hate for my DD to have a stepmum that didn't understand that if xmas day is so important to her, it is to my daughter too, and that my daughter would already be compromising not having her Dad there all of the day. Compromise means we all don't have the whole day together - either every other year by having no time some Xmas days or every year because we do half days.

I just dont understand people who marry people with kids and don't realise that this sort of thing actually is the fair compromise. And actually I would want my daughter to have a step mum who, even if she didn't love her as her own, cared about her and liked her enough to actually want to see her and therefore be prepared to come and get her because she as stepmum would also enjoy seeing my daughter

Does he have trouble standing up to them in general?

@mywitzend that extra drip feed does explain more why you think they are taking the mick and I get why you're frustrated. It also discloses that you clearly don't have a good relationship with your stepchildren or their mum. That must be hard for all of you. I couldnt be in a relationship where I didnt get on with the kids I have to say x