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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about his kidd xmas day?

383 replies

MyWitzEnd · 25/11/2020 20:57

DH has two kids aged 21 and 18. This year they are coming to is supposedly for xmas. DH has just told me that his DD wants them to come on the 23rd and go home on the 25th. This would mean i would be in my own for nearly three hours xmas day as he does the round trip. I had bo choice other than to agree and now feel mean at feeling cross.

OP posts:
NoPainNoTartine · 26/11/2020 18:10

I love the irony of this thread, weve had weeks of people kicking off that they might not be able to see family for christmas and how awful it will be to have to be alone on christmas day, great excitement at being able to mix with 3 households so no one has to miss out on seeing family, but now OP is unreasonable for not wanting to be alone on christmas day Confused

the thread is all about the children NOT missing out on family, did you miss that bit

and unless there's a massive drip feed, there's never been any mention of the OP being left alone on Christmas Day - did I miss the ex keeping the DH over for diner or something?

HelloDulling · 26/11/2020 18:11

How will they get to yours? Does he have to collect them too?

BeckyTapping · 26/11/2020 18:11

I think you are being a little silly, 3 hours watching your tv choice and it will probably be early evening.

His children are being massive spoilt brats though, have they not thought about their dad wanting a drink on Christmas Day.

Newmumatlast · 26/11/2020 18:15

@NoPainNoTartine

Most of us would choose to get up early for all that veg prep, drive for three hours then cook Christmas dinner? I wouldn’t, but we’re all different. of all the times when I (or DH) DON'T spend the day or hours cooking, Christmas is definitively one of them! Grin None of us want to waste Christmas day locked up in the kitchen!

Maybe my (extended) family is generally more flexible and welcoming, driving to pick up or drop off someone to make sure that we see them is just very normal. And if diner time changes, who cares. It's Christmas, it's supposed to be a happy day, not a regimented day of chores, upset and drama.

It sounds like the perfect solution to spend half Christmas with one parent, the other half with the other when they are still young.

Soon it will be sharing with in-laws added to the mess, can't people just chill and enjoy themselves instead of sulking?

Same. My family is obviously different. We actually all would drive to get one another if needed - even if it made us a bit irked that the person needing ferrying had kind of made their bed by not being able to drive. If we wanted to see them we would do it. And actually wouldn't mind because seeing them would make it worth it.

Tbf my husband is the sort of man who would do a 2hr round trip to pick me up from an evening out so I'm safe and I would do the same for him.

I am also baffled about suggestions dinner might be impossible with the timings. I try to limit the amount of cooking on xmas day by par boiling and pre cooking things. I assumed everyone did alot of prep pre xmas day - is that not the case?

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 26/11/2020 18:17

Maybe it makes no difference what anyone here thinks, and little difference what OP thinks? Surely this is between the man and his children...if they are all happy with the arrangements there's little else to be said.

MadameButterface · 26/11/2020 18:18

They are not bloody two, they are adults albeit young ones and they are being very selfish not thinking of the impact on their poor Dad's Christmas Day

Oh the irony of this - if the dc are in fact adults, what does that make op?

And everyone moaning about this ruining the idea of a picture perfect christmas day - a) yes it does but THIS YEAR IS NOT A NORMAL YEAR. There is a window of five days when households may mix, Christmas day is slap bang in the middle. And b) i think anyone who gets so worked up about that one day being perfect is setting themselves up for disappointment. But then like other pps, to me christmas day has always been a bit about what you make it - my dad was a fireman, and my dc’s dad worked shifts. So christmas day has always involved a bit of flexibility around expectations/meal timings etc. No one has died of disappointment or a broken heart from it so far. This year with covid more people will be having to compromise on the picture perfect idealised christmas day - it will be fine! As it is every year for those people to whom that is perfectly normal.

Newmumatlast · 26/11/2020 18:18

@BeckyTapping

I think you are being a little silly, 3 hours watching your tv choice and it will probably be early evening.

His children are being massive spoilt brats though, have they not thought about their dad wanting a drink on Christmas Day.

I'm sure he can manage without alcohol until 330pm?!
upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 18:19

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

Maybe it makes no difference what anyone here thinks, and little difference what OP thinks? Surely this is between the man and his children...if they are all happy with the arrangements there's little else to be said.
Again, he was welcome not to get married if he wanted that to be the case.
LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 26/11/2020 18:20

His children are being massive spoilt brats though, have they not thought about their dad wanting a drink on Christmas Day

Is he an alcoholic? Can't wait until half 3 for his first drink? Not really the kids with a problem if thats the case.....

pizzaandcats · 26/11/2020 18:20

Not sure if someone has already suggested this but could you not go along for the ride? I think you said its a 3 hour round trip so thats 1.5 hours just you and DH on nice quiet Christmas roads on the way home. That's what I would do although me and DH are close with each others families so the drive would be enjoyable.

Your DHs DCs sound like they've found the best solution to seeing both their mum and dad on Christmas day. I'm sure its not personal even if it is annoying

SleepingStandingUp · 26/11/2020 18:21

@BeckyTapping

I think you are being a little silly, 3 hours watching your tv choice and it will probably be early evening.

His children are being massive spoilt brats though, have they not thought about their dad wanting a drink on Christmas Day.

So op is unreasonable to not want to be alone for 3 hours but he wouldn't be unreasonable to refuse to go that long without alcohol?
Newmumatlast · 26/11/2020 18:21

@upsidedownwavylegs perhaps he thought he was marrying someone who would equally want to see his children given that a commitment to marrying someone with kids is also a commitment to their kids, adult or otherwise

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 26/11/2020 18:21

Again, he was welcome not to get married if he wanted that to be the case

You're right there. I mean, who wants a husband who cares about his children and puts them first, and likes to see them on Christmas? How could such an awful brute ever have married, his poor wife must suffer so!

AcrossthePond55 · 26/11/2020 18:24

I'm in the 'I'd be fine' camp. Three hours to 'wind down' and putter about cleaning up (and drinking some Xmas cheer) would be fine with me.

Why can't you go along or do you just not want to?

You mention your adult children in a PP. Were you speaking metaphorically or do you have adult children? If so, will your children be with you?

upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 18:24

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

Again, he was welcome not to get married if he wanted that to be the case

You're right there. I mean, who wants a husband who cares about his children and puts them first, and likes to see them on Christmas? How could such an awful brute ever have married, his poor wife must suffer so!

I wouldn’t want a husband who put his adult children first on Christmas to my detriment. I’d want one that made me feel my opinion was welcome and valued, and that would be willing to compromise in a way that worked for everyone, nit just the adult children.
Newmumatlast · 26/11/2020 18:26

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

Again, he was welcome not to get married if he wanted that to be the case

You're right there. I mean, who wants a husband who cares about his children and puts them first, and likes to see them on Christmas? How could such an awful brute ever have married, his poor wife must suffer so!

This. I have been a stepmum for over 15 years. I've been a mum for a year. I spent years travelling with my husband to and from my SCs house to facilitate contact because his ex moved hours away - even further than 3 hours return trip - without discussion. Initially it was 5 hours each way until we moved.

Part of why I knew he would be a great Dad to our child is that he would travel to make contact work. And hopefully part of why he knew I would be a great mum is that I understood his need to do that.

This thread makes me so sad. If you care for your SC surley it wouldn't be arduous to do a 3hr return trip - what is a normal commute for some jobs. I totally get if it was really invasive - like expecting a return at 5pm so really then dinner and celebrating with some fizz would be out of the question - but leaving at 1230 really isnt unreasonable and probably already a compromise.

Gilead · 26/11/2020 18:27

I’ve got an operation a couple of days before Christmas and have to isolate for fourteen days before and five afterwards. I will be on my own. My four children will FaceTime and we’ll manage. It’s been a tough year for a great many people.

LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb · 26/11/2020 18:32

I wouldn’t want a husband who put his adult children first on Christmas to my detriment. I’d want one that made me feel my opinion was welcome and valued, and that would be willing to compromise in a way that worked for everyone, nit just the adult children.

Then its you that shouldn't marry someone with children.

Coffeepot72 · 26/11/2020 18:34

DH has never been at home for all of Christmas Day since we got married. Some years we don't see him at all. This year, he'll leave at 2pm and not get back till boxing day lunchtime.

But you don’t say why?

upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 18:34

@LoveandHateWhatABeautifulComb

I wouldn’t want a husband who put his adult children first on Christmas to my detriment. I’d want one that made me feel my opinion was welcome and valued, and that would be willing to compromise in a way that worked for everyone, nit just the adult children.

Then its you that shouldn't marry someone with children.

Yikes Confused
upsidedownwavylegs · 26/11/2020 18:41

What about being married to the father of my own children? Am I allowed to have an opinion on what’s reasonable of them to ask of either of us in terms of lift giving then, or did my parents just miss a lot of memos in my teen years and my mum should never have commented?

Newmumatlast · 26/11/2020 18:42

To be honest I see your point @upsidedownwavylegs about listening to your opinion and caring about it etc. But compromise in a way that works for everyone doesnt always work for everyone - this is a prime example. Husband and kids are arguably compromising in spending only part of the day together. OPs side of the compromise is to be at home for 3hrs or presumably she could go with them - she hasnt addressed this.

Most stepmums who have invested in their husband and SC would want to spend time with the SC too to be fair which makes it all easier. If you don't like/have a negative relationship with your SC then you would feel more put out of course. If you do, you'd want to see them too so it would feel more of a welcome compromise. I guess maybe that is the issue. But then I genuinely wouldn't marry someone with children if I wasn't happy for these sorts of compromises to happen/didn't get on with their child as it isnt fair for anyone

VinylDetective · 26/11/2020 18:42

@upsidedownwavylegs

What about being married to the father of my own children? Am I allowed to have an opinion on what’s reasonable of them to ask of either of us in terms of lift giving then, or did my parents just miss a lot of memos in my teen years and my mum should never have commented?
Completely different situation.
Coffeepot72 · 26/11/2020 18:43

You should realise that step children, even grown up ones, trump everyone and everything else. Permanently.

MissSarahThane · 26/11/2020 18:44

I was assuming OP would cook it to fill the endless three hours.

Do you know, I had a suspicion you might have been assuming that.

I thought OP was supposed to fill the time having a long bath, drinking Bailey's, watching Netflix, and enjoying the time to herself?

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