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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Trying not to cry

198 replies

upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 10:47

NC as don't want this linked to my other posts. This may be long.

I'm stuck in lockdown with my 'D'M and it's becoming unbearable. We both live alone so we decided I stay for a few days because I was struggling with not going out or seeing anyone for months, I assume she was too, although she goes out to work so has more social contact than me. It was supposed to be a few days, then she decided to go on a last minute holiday (I know Hmm ) so I looked after her cats for two weeks, and sorted shit out (food deliveries etc) while she was in quarantine afterwards, and then within a few days we'd gone into Lockdown 2.0.

She's bossy and controlling, but generally I can 'manage' her for an easy life. Mostly this means waiting on her hand and foot which is a double edged sword. If I don't, she huffs and strops about doing anything and calls me lazy and causes a row, and if I do, I make a rod for my own back and she expects it. She sits in her room all day like a queen, all meals cooked, drinks made, I've even ordered and paid for all the food and she's just told me what she wanted.

Anyway I work long hours from home, and have a tight deadline to meet tomorrow. She's gone out to work and said can you do 'x y and z' today, which are not small jobs - think hoovering and dusting the whole house rather than washing up iyswim (she's having a bit of work/DIY done so there's a lot of mess/dust/displaced clutter that needs sorting). I said I'd see what I could get to, but reminded her of my deadline which had to be priority. She started to lose her temper, shout over me, belittle me and call me names. I'm so used to this I clam up and now when I recall the exchange, I've blocked out a lot of details Sad but she wanted me to spend most of the day doing what she wanted rather than working. I reminded her that if I had to go out to work then it would just have to wait (it's already waited weeks and weeks, what is one more day!), and she has this habit of just shouting over me with insults or even just 'lalala' when I reply with anything other than 'yes' to her demands Sad

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

I'm just sitting here trying not to cry because she's made me feel as small and insignificant as she did every day of my childhood. I hate that feeling of being stuck and forced to bend to her whims rather than my needs.

She's also spiteful in that she needed an expensive item, so I offered to put it on my 0% credit card and her pay me back, and even researched and ordered a fantastic black friday deal for her. It's arrived and she's ignored it for days. I suspected she felt she was somehow relinquishing control by 'having' to be grateful to me for sorting it, so I've ignored it. But now she's said, 'make sure you send that back, I don't want it'. I know she's cutting her nose off to spite her face just to be nasty and make me feel not good enough but it still really hurt. To be clear, it's exactly the item she wants and I got it far cheaper than she can get elsewhere.

Even when lockdown is over we're likely to be tier 3 so when I do go home I'll be back lonely and isolated again. I just hate that I'm in my late 20s and that I can still be reduced to tears by her tantrums and demands. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

OP posts:
joybrightnice · 24/11/2020 10:50

Can you get a taxi to the train or bus station and just go home.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 24/11/2020 10:50

Home alone sounds a better situation to be in op. Your mh is being battered by a nasty woman. Get thy bags packed. You will relish the rest of being back home.
She offers nothing like the company you seek sadly.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 24/11/2020 10:52

I know you say you'll be lonely and isolated in your own house, but wouldn't that be better than being made to feel the way she makes you feel? You don't deserve to be belittled and shouted down.

If I was you I'd pack a bag and get a taxi, I know it's easier said than done, especially from the outside, but please prioritise yourself.

PandemicImpact · 24/11/2020 10:53

Jesus go home. Anything is better than that.

Train ? Friend ?

I'd completely cut off my mum if she was that vile.

VettiyaIruken · 24/11/2020 10:54

I'd rather be lonely than abused!

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 24/11/2020 10:54

Being at home alone is better than being bullied by this awful woman, get a taxi and go, take the thing from Amazon and return it. You don't have to put up with this because she's your mother, she has no right to treat you this way

GooseberryTart · 24/11/2020 10:56

Definitely go home. Be you, eat lunch at your desk and try and get out everyday for a walk some fresh air and exercise whatever the weather it will do your mental health the world of good also join things online dance, yoga or whatever floats your boat. Do you have any good friends to speak to over the phone or Zoom? Take care 💐

Imapotato · 24/11/2020 10:57

Sorry to hear this OP. I’d take lonely over the way she’s treating you any day. I’d try to get home any way I could.

Hadalifeonce · 24/11/2020 11:00

I am so sorry OP, but you are being abused by your mother. You need to get out of that situation for your own sanity. Call a can to take you to the nearest place you can get public transport, better that than stay with this woman.

LakieLady · 24/11/2020 11:01

Another vote for going home and leaving her to it. She sounds really quite unpleasant.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/11/2020 11:02

Come on, op, you need to go home. You're being your own worst enemy by allowing your mother to use you as her emotional punching bag like this. Get the hell out of there and be gone when she gets home.

Tonkerbea · 24/11/2020 11:02

OP, please leave. Your mother is abusive. If you need hand holds in the coming days, there are plenty of lovely posters on here who will gladly oblige.

plumpootle · 24/11/2020 11:03

Please go home. Just because she is bringing the drama does not mean you have to be the audience for it. I know how hard this is, I have a close family member who is similar. But you can do it, just go!

Calcifer12 · 24/11/2020 11:04

Get a taxi home.

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/11/2020 11:06

Staying in an abusive relationship (which is what this is) is no good for you, now or in the future. Go home. Invest the time and energy you use to manage her in you.

AhoyMeFarties · 24/11/2020 11:07

Pack everything up, order a taxi and just go. Take some food with you. Turn your phone off when you get home and crack on with your work

yoyo1234 · 24/11/2020 11:07

Flowers go home. You deserve better.

JaJaDingDong · 24/11/2020 11:10

Go home. Get a taxi, get a friend, get a bus, whatever, but go home.

Once you're home you can start thinking about how you can put an end to your loneliness. MN can probably help with that too :)

DesiderataH · 24/11/2020 11:10

You absolutely need to go home, taxi, friend, Uber - whatever, you need to get out of this vile situation my lovely. IMO being home alone is far better than being belittled, and basically being treated like a slave.

Once home I think maybe going NC from your mother would be advisable.

TheVanguardSix · 24/11/2020 11:10

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

Your spirit has been so kicked in the arse and trampled on by your mum, you can't even manage the thought of taking the bus. Flowers
Get on the bus, upset. You can do it. You'll be fine. You must do it. Go on. See if they're running- I bet they are- and go. Do something for you!

RightOnTheEdge · 24/11/2020 11:18

You would be much better off at home OP, you can't live like this.
Be brave get the bus and get away from her. It might be hard but you will feel much better when it's done.
Do you have a friend or relative who could pick you up?

When you get home make sure you are calling friends to speak to and going out for walks.
You can meet up with one friend for a walk.

Your Mother is an abusive bully don't let her drag you down any further Flowers

AcornAutumn · 24/11/2020 11:19

@Santaisironingwrappingpaper

Home alone sounds a better situation to be in op. Your mh is being battered by a nasty woman. Get thy bags packed. You will relish the rest of being back home. She offers nothing like the company you seek sadly.
This. Go home.

And don’t put anything of hers on your card.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 11:19

Go home! Look up the bus timetable online and let us know when they go.
Are you allowed pets in your place?

TenThousandSteps · 24/11/2020 11:24

Your M has narcissistic personality disorder - google it. My M was like this. Everything was always about her. You have to detach and then decide whether you want a relationship with her (which will always end with you being punished just for having a mind of your own and not adoring her enough) or whether you go incommunicado.

But best thing for your MH right now is to get out of there. Better to be unhappily lonely than unhappily being abused. Good luck

unmarkedbythat · 24/11/2020 11:24

Adding my voice to the 'go home' chorus. Go home! Get a taxi if you're not up for the bus? Don't waste any more of your time or money on this selfish, nasty person.

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