Trying not to cry

[upsetinlockdwn]

NC as don't want this linked to my other posts. This may be long.

I'm stuck in lockdown with my 'D'M and it's becoming unbearable. We both live alone so we decided I stay for a few days because I was struggling with not going out or seeing anyone for months, I assume she was too, although she goes out to work so has more social contact than me. It was supposed to be a few days, then she decided to go on a last minute holiday (I know ) so I looked after her cats for two weeks, and sorted shit out (food deliveries etc) while she was in quarantine afterwards, and then within a few days we'd gone into Lockdown 2.0.

She's bossy and controlling, but generally I can 'manage' her for an easy life. Mostly this means waiting on her hand and foot which is a double edged sword. If I don't, she huffs and strops about doing anything and calls me lazy and causes a row, and if I do, I make a rod for my own back and she expects it. She sits in her room all day like a queen, all meals cooked, drinks made, I've even ordered and paid for all the food and she's just told me what she wanted.

Anyway I work long hours from home, and have a tight deadline to meet tomorrow. She's gone out to work and said can you do 'x y and z' today, which are not small jobs - think hoovering and dusting the whole house rather than washing up iyswim (she's having a bit of work/DIY done so there's a lot of mess/dust/displaced clutter that needs sorting). I said I'd see what I could get to, but reminded her of my deadline which had to be priority. She started to lose her temper, shout over me, belittle me and call me names. I'm so used to this I clam up and now when I recall the exchange, I've blocked out a lot of details but she wanted me to spend most of the day doing what she wanted rather than working. I reminded her that if I had to go out to work then it would just have to wait (it's already waited weeks and weeks, what is one more day!), and she has this habit of just shouting over me with insults or even just 'lalala' when I reply with anything other than 'yes' to her demands

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

I'm just sitting here trying not to cry because she's made me feel as small and insignificant as she did every day of my childhood. I hate that feeling of being stuck and forced to bend to her whims rather than my needs.

She's also spiteful in that she needed an expensive item, so I offered to put it on my 0% credit card and her pay me back, and even researched and ordered a fantastic black friday deal for her. It's arrived and she's ignored it for days. I suspected she felt she was somehow relinquishing control by 'having' to be grateful to me for sorting it, so I've ignored it. But now she's said, 'make sure you send that back, I don't want it'. I know she's cutting her nose off to spite her face just to be nasty and make me feel not good enough but it still really hurt. To be clear, it's exactly the item she wants and I got it far cheaper than she can get elsewhere.

Even when lockdown is over we're likely to be tier 3 so when I do go home I'll be back lonely and isolated again. I just hate that I'm in my late 20s and that I can still be reduced to tears by her tantrums and demands. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

There's no question about it, you have to go home. Buses will be running, or if not, can you pay for a taxi? You need to get out of there, because this just isn't good for your mental health anymore.

You live with your abuser who has made you feel like you don't have the option, are not "allowed" to leave, and I think this is manifesting in you deciding that it is transport options holding you back.

You can do this OP. You are a grown adult with your own property. She cannot force you to stay, she has no remit. She's asking you to sacrifice your job security by being her maid instead of working, taking advantage of you financially and emotionally bullying and dominating you.

Please go home Make excuses if you have to, take baby steps. Say you need to go home and get something. Take a day off work or call in sick. Do anything you need to do to get your feet out the door and the rest will follow. You can then seek support for dealing with any fallout if there is any.

You can do this

Oh, that's really sad. How bloody horrible for you.

Honestly, just go home. Pack your stuff, phone a taxi and get the hell out of there.

Being alone - even being lonely - is much better for you and your mental health than having to put up with being treated so badly.

I know it's hard, because she's conditioned you all your life to just take all of her terrible behaviour without kicking up a fuss, but she's really out of order and you don't deserve any of her nonsense.

Also, you know that she'll be on the phone; giving you grief and calling you selfish as soon as she can. Try to understand that you're not any of the things and it's her toxic mindset.

IMHO, it's impossible to unpick all of this stuff without counselling. It's hard to break free of abusive parents, but it can be done. Honestly, once the scales fall from your eyes and you have techniques to counter their bullshit, a whole different world opens up.

Go home - treat yourself to your own space, your own decisions and your own life.

Best of luck

I can't go today. I've checked buses and by the time I've packed and got the (long) bus, I will really struggle to meet my deadline. It takes nearly 2 hours door to door. I am pleasantly surprised that tomorrow I can get home far more easily than I thought as they seem to have made the buses more regular than they were.

I could leave when she's out at work tomorrow, and pacify her until then by doing a bit of stuff here on my break.

She has sent me a text as if nothing happened this morning All chatty and thanking me for a gift I got her last Christmas which has come in handy at work. Objectively I can see exactly what she's doing, but it still unnerves me.

The thing is, I've been here weeks and we've rubbed along absolutely fine. No arguments at all. She only started with all this yesterday, so it's come a bit out of the blue. I had to smile when she switched on me yesterday - everything I said, she disputed and turned it on me, denying things she'd just said, kept saying that my 'interpretation' of it was wrong... so I said it was gaslighting. She jumped right in and cut me off and said 'gaslighting doesn't exist, it's not a thing, it's a buzzword you've learned from MN'

She missed the irony that she was gaslighting me about gaslighting...

I've calmed down a bit and reading all your replies have helped me make a plan, and even if she starts at me tonight it won't feel as bad as I'll have escaped soon.

Use the day to do your work and meet your deadline. Book a taxi for an hour or so before she's due back from work and leave then so you don't have to see her. Save your crying for this evening.

Wow I would be packing my bags right this minute!

What the hell - just go home!!!

OP, I live rurally so I understand that you may well not have a regular bus service, train, or uber to call, as we don't have anything like it around here, but there should still be a taxi that you can call, even if it has to come from 10 miles away like mine would.

I think you do need to get out of there asap. She is not treating you nicely and when you are gone, she will have to do it all herself, like she has in the past.

She is acting like a spoilt brat, not like a mother, so don't have any guilt, just get out asap for your own sanity.

Go home OP, she sounds absolutely awful . She doesn't deserve your help or companionship at all, let her get on with it.

I would rather be lonely that deal with that. Go home, you can relax then. If you stay you'll sink lower and lower in mood

I've just read your update, do your work today and def get out and back home tomorrow. Don't be swayed by any 'niceness' this evening.

Ok sorry read your update.

Get your work done while she's out.

Once it's done - fine. Do some jobs if you feel like it and it will give you an easier evening.

Then pack and leave first thing tomorrow.

I'd follow it up with a letter/email letting her know exactly why you left and that right now, you're considering whether it would be better for both of you if contact ceased right now.

Please consider dropping her - and definitely, if you ever have children of your own don't let her within a country mile of them.

You do not have to accept this abusive relationship.

Oh this is awful for you and abusive. As all have said so far you need to go home. It sounds like you are trying to help but she is being abusive and clearly isn't appreciating. If you go home you'll have repurcussions although you can always just not answer the phone if she calls.

Go home and stop it right now.

Good luck

Your update is sensible.
Do your work.
Fuck the housework demand.
Go home tomorrow.
Don’t forget to take that item to return - don’t mention it for her to change her mind over, you risk never getting the money for it!

Your M has narcissistic personality disorder - google it

Don't diagnose people on the internet. It's idiotic and I'm willing to bet you have no qualifications.

OP, go home. You're going to get fired if you don't!

It hasn't only just starts a couple of days ago. You've been waiting on hr hand and foot and paying for everything. Now you are trying to stop she's aggressively putting you back in your place.

I'm shocked at a grown adult saying 'lalala' during an argument. I mean wtf

I understand you are lonely, and don't want to upset her. But the situation is turning more toxic, 'd leave ASAP in order to preserve the shreds of a relationship you have.

Send the present back and never mention it again. After Covid invest in some therapy. You are worth more than this, your mother wants to keep you down so she's got complete control over you.

Just read your update. Good.
Get the work finished for the deadline.
If she starts on you this evening about the housework just keep repeating that you had a work deadline you had to meet.
Tomorrow when she goes to work, pack your stuff and get on the bus and go home.
If you're concerned about the risk of getting COVID on the bus - yes, of course there is a risk but it is a very small risk, especially now that risk has been reduced by everyone having to wear a mask.

I'd return the Amazon parcel too - if she's not interested in it she clearly doesn't want it, so send it back and get the money back before she decides to keep it and withhold payment for however long she deems fit.

You can not live like this.
When you get home try to set up a structure for your day and week. It's really hard living alone in lockdown and I do struggle sometimes but I've found having a timetable really helps. I've got regular zoom calls with particular friends two or three times a week. I've got a movie evening once a week to watch something on Netflix. I go for a walk every day where I find I get chatting to people outside.
I've started a couple of projects I've never had time to get around to doing until now.

Get some A4 paper and write appropriate comments on them.
Don't answer her just hold up your comments.
Childish but the less you seem bothered the less she will get to you.
Don't do the cleaning today. Do the work your paid for.

You're

If she is anything like my Mother was, the chatty text is her way of pretending the outburst didn't happen, all is forgotten.
Forget it for today, focus on your work.
Hopefully she'll be OK this evening.
Escape in the morning as planned, avoid staying over in future.
Return the gift as she's requested, don't bother with a Christmas one.

It's hard when you can't have the relationship you really want with your own mum. I got to a place with mine where we spoke most days, but it was all very light and superficial, really. I relied on her for absolutely nothing because I could never be grateful enough and she'd sabotage it. A lesson I learnt the very hard way.

I would avoid setting her off and just get going as soon as practicable.

Pack your bags and leave as soon as you can whilst she's out. Don't tell her, don't do work around the house and make sure you send that bloody gift back. She sounds like an ungrateful brat-monster so do as you please and she clean her own shit up. Stay strong.

The thing is, I've been here weeks and we've rubbed along absolutely fine. No arguments at all.

But you've been waiting on her hand & foot and you've been paying for all the food.
It's only seemed fine because you've done everything she wanted - and even then she's found fault about the thing you ordered.

I'm glad you have a plan.
Stick to it, and get out of there tomorrow.

shes pathetic just go home youre not her punching bag

so shes an mn'er aswell

hope shes reading this-you are a gaslighter ok dear

@BigSandyBalls2015

I've just read your update, do your work today and def get out and back home tomorrow. Don't be swayed by any 'niceness' this evening.

This.

And don’t “pacify” her. I’d go NC.