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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Trying not to cry

198 replies

upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 10:47

NC as don't want this linked to my other posts. This may be long.

I'm stuck in lockdown with my 'D'M and it's becoming unbearable. We both live alone so we decided I stay for a few days because I was struggling with not going out or seeing anyone for months, I assume she was too, although she goes out to work so has more social contact than me. It was supposed to be a few days, then she decided to go on a last minute holiday (I know Hmm ) so I looked after her cats for two weeks, and sorted shit out (food deliveries etc) while she was in quarantine afterwards, and then within a few days we'd gone into Lockdown 2.0.

She's bossy and controlling, but generally I can 'manage' her for an easy life. Mostly this means waiting on her hand and foot which is a double edged sword. If I don't, she huffs and strops about doing anything and calls me lazy and causes a row, and if I do, I make a rod for my own back and she expects it. She sits in her room all day like a queen, all meals cooked, drinks made, I've even ordered and paid for all the food and she's just told me what she wanted.

Anyway I work long hours from home, and have a tight deadline to meet tomorrow. She's gone out to work and said can you do 'x y and z' today, which are not small jobs - think hoovering and dusting the whole house rather than washing up iyswim (she's having a bit of work/DIY done so there's a lot of mess/dust/displaced clutter that needs sorting). I said I'd see what I could get to, but reminded her of my deadline which had to be priority. She started to lose her temper, shout over me, belittle me and call me names. I'm so used to this I clam up and now when I recall the exchange, I've blocked out a lot of details Sad but she wanted me to spend most of the day doing what she wanted rather than working. I reminded her that if I had to go out to work then it would just have to wait (it's already waited weeks and weeks, what is one more day!), and she has this habit of just shouting over me with insults or even just 'lalala' when I reply with anything other than 'yes' to her demands Sad

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

I'm just sitting here trying not to cry because she's made me feel as small and insignificant as she did every day of my childhood. I hate that feeling of being stuck and forced to bend to her whims rather than my needs.

She's also spiteful in that she needed an expensive item, so I offered to put it on my 0% credit card and her pay me back, and even researched and ordered a fantastic black friday deal for her. It's arrived and she's ignored it for days. I suspected she felt she was somehow relinquishing control by 'having' to be grateful to me for sorting it, so I've ignored it. But now she's said, 'make sure you send that back, I don't want it'. I know she's cutting her nose off to spite her face just to be nasty and make me feel not good enough but it still really hurt. To be clear, it's exactly the item she wants and I got it far cheaper than she can get elsewhere.

Even when lockdown is over we're likely to be tier 3 so when I do go home I'll be back lonely and isolated again. I just hate that I'm in my late 20s and that I can still be reduced to tears by her tantrums and demands. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

OP posts:
katy1213 · 24/11/2020 19:13

Get on a bus and go home. Then phone a friend, go for a walk, get a takeaway coffee, have a picnic in the park, a National Trust garden - do whatever's open and available. Come next week, you'll have more options. There is no need to stay at home and see no-one for months on end. And no need to put up with your crabby mother.

bluewindows · 24/11/2020 20:17

OP, how are you this evening?

CandidaAlbicans2 · 24/11/2020 20:29

Allow yourself to grieve for the mother you never had

That's a very good point @Beancounter1.
Good luck OP, hope you get home OK tomorrow, and as others have said, if you get lonely there's always us lot here to chat to x

randomer · 24/11/2020 20:41

How on earth can a person grieve for a mother they never had? Really, I would love to know.

1Morewineplease · 24/11/2020 20:47

Move back and put a chain on your door.

Shelby2010 · 24/11/2020 20:50

Wishing you all the best - you deserve better than this. 💐

Bluesrunthegame · 24/11/2020 20:51

Go home. If possible, never look back, although I realise that's easier written than done. Could you call a cab? Bus times are usually on the net, and if you call the bus company, they will tell you which buses are running.

Once you get home, look after yourself.

bananafish · 24/11/2020 23:56

@randomer

How on earth can a person grieve for a mother they never had? Really, I would love to know.
You grieve for your loss. You let go of all your expectations and hopes and desires and you give yourself permission to feel really sad and angry about it.

You grieve that you never had a mother who would tuck you into bed with a loving kiss, or read to you, or tell you that you looked pretty or that you were smart or funny or that you were worthwhile.

You grieve for a relationship that is denied to you and that you see other people have with their mothers.

And you go through all the stages of grief until you come to the last one which is acceptance. But most people will always feel a little sad about this loss, because, well, who wouldn't?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/11/2020 08:08

Beautifully expressed bananafish

And it works - I had an horrific childhood, and have grieved for the childhood I wished I'd had.

It also helped me to be more understanding of my parents' and the difficulties they'd faced (they'd both had bloody awful early lives, too).

CSIblonde · 25/11/2020 08:58

Echoing everyone else, you need to go home. A bit lonely is better than daily emotional abuse which anihilates you & your MH. Regarding feeling lonely, pets can make such a difference IMO. If you foster or adopt a cat ,they're great company & once you're back at work they're very independant . Or volunteer at a rescue, the small ones are always looking for help & it gets you out & seeing people .

randomer · 25/11/2020 08:58

Thank You bananafish, I understand.

upsetinlockdwn · 25/11/2020 10:14

Hi everyone. Sorry I didn't reply to the thread last night as like I said she's on here and I was worried she'd see the thread. As soon as I posted I did open her laptop and hide the thread there (hope MN don't tell me off for that!) but couldn't be sure she wouldn't delete cookies or something and it would appear. I NC so as not to be outing but ended up giving lots away and the row doesn't bear thinking about if she'd seen it! Confused

I'm ready to go. I arranged to return the item and they've given me a two hour window that a courier will collect which is way before she's due back, and then the buses are every half an hour a 10 min walk away. Normally it's a 25 min walk to buses that regular, it must be to try and keep numbers on each bus low - one good thing about Covid at least Smile

Thanks so much to everyone that replied. PPs are right about grieving for the mother I never had. I've successfully done that with my dad, who I'm NC with. He's an absolute nightmare but in a different way to my mum, has five kids and has nothing much to do with any of them, they've all seen the light that he's a waster and a user. I thought I'd got there with my mum - felt able to 'manage' her by keeping her at arms length and give her just enough that she wouldn't break in (!) but being 'trapped' here has probably set me back a bit. Sorry to others that have gone through this Flowers

OP posts:
MzHz · 25/11/2020 10:46

I’ll be thinking of you, I do wish you’d call a cab!

MyMistakeToMake · 25/11/2020 10:51

@randomer

How on earth can a person grieve for a mother they never had? Really, I would love to know.
It's bloody hard. You grieve for your lost childhood, for the parents you should have had and for the time spent wondering why you weren't good enough that they could do better.
ravenmum · 25/11/2020 10:53

Hope it works out OK!

everybodysang · 25/11/2020 11:07

oh mate. I'm so glad you're going home, this is a very sad thread to read. I am very low contact with my mother and although it's hard, it's not as hard as feeling dreadful every time we speak.
As PPs have said, come on here and chat. I know it's just words on a screen etc but it's lots of real people who have been through similar who can help you or just help you feel a bit better.
It's a tough time to be alone, no doubt, but what do you enjoy doing? There are so many amazing online things going on that there's lots to distract at the moment and hopefully fill up the time a bit rather than leave you wondering if you should call...
Good luck. Hope the courier comes soon!

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/11/2020 15:28

OP - I know I have no right to ask this, but when you get home please update just so we know you are ok (just a "I'm home" will do - you don't need to go into any detail you'd rather not share).

I'm only asking because I'm worried about you (and I'll bet others are too) and just want to think of you as being safe and sound in your own flat again.

Take care.

Brefugee · 25/11/2020 15:37

Gosh that sounds hard, but you have to decide: is it better to be alone or is it better to be terrorised by your mum?

Only you know, but in your shoes I'd be long gone. And send the item back. It's her issue if she can't have it now.

whyayepetal · 25/11/2020 15:43

Schadenfreude yep, you bet right. Please do a quick update to let us know when you’re safely home OP. Wishing you a lovely relaxed evening today Brew Cake

upsetinlockdwn · 25/11/2020 16:32

@SchadenfreudePersonified and @whyayepetal thanks for looking out for me Smile I'm home now! Dumped my stuff at my flat and went straight out for a walk into town, got something nice for dinner and just about to have a long soak in a hot bath as PPs suggested. Any suggestions for something light and funny to watch on Netflix afterwards? Smile

OP posts:
sapnupuas · 25/11/2020 16:33

Schitts Creek or Emily in Paris.

Glad you're home, OP

Figgyboa · 25/11/2020 16:37

Go home!

Oregano20 · 25/11/2020 16:50

Good for you! I had to get to the end of the thread to make sure you did get home, I really feel for you

Netflix...Get yourself comfy with some Glee
GrinFlowers

SchadenfreudePersonified · 25/11/2020 16:54

[quote upsetinlockdwn]**@SchadenfreudePersonified* and @whyayepetal* thanks for looking out for me Smile I'm home now! Dumped my stuff at my flat and went straight out for a walk into town, got something nice for dinner and just about to have a long soak in a hot bath as PPs suggested. Any suggestions for something light and funny to watch on Netflix afterwards? Smile[/quote]
Phew!

Have a lovely relaxing night (and turn off your phone). A lovely long soak, a nice dinner, and some mindless amusing TV is just what you need at the moment.

Just savour the lovely. lovely peace and quiet.

Flowers
Lilymossflower · 25/11/2020 17:06

Get a taxi home asap