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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Trying not to cry

198 replies

upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 10:47

NC as don't want this linked to my other posts. This may be long.

I'm stuck in lockdown with my 'D'M and it's becoming unbearable. We both live alone so we decided I stay for a few days because I was struggling with not going out or seeing anyone for months, I assume she was too, although she goes out to work so has more social contact than me. It was supposed to be a few days, then she decided to go on a last minute holiday (I know Hmm ) so I looked after her cats for two weeks, and sorted shit out (food deliveries etc) while she was in quarantine afterwards, and then within a few days we'd gone into Lockdown 2.0.

She's bossy and controlling, but generally I can 'manage' her for an easy life. Mostly this means waiting on her hand and foot which is a double edged sword. If I don't, she huffs and strops about doing anything and calls me lazy and causes a row, and if I do, I make a rod for my own back and she expects it. She sits in her room all day like a queen, all meals cooked, drinks made, I've even ordered and paid for all the food and she's just told me what she wanted.

Anyway I work long hours from home, and have a tight deadline to meet tomorrow. She's gone out to work and said can you do 'x y and z' today, which are not small jobs - think hoovering and dusting the whole house rather than washing up iyswim (she's having a bit of work/DIY done so there's a lot of mess/dust/displaced clutter that needs sorting). I said I'd see what I could get to, but reminded her of my deadline which had to be priority. She started to lose her temper, shout over me, belittle me and call me names. I'm so used to this I clam up and now when I recall the exchange, I've blocked out a lot of details Sad but she wanted me to spend most of the day doing what she wanted rather than working. I reminded her that if I had to go out to work then it would just have to wait (it's already waited weeks and weeks, what is one more day!), and she has this habit of just shouting over me with insults or even just 'lalala' when I reply with anything other than 'yes' to her demands Sad

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

I'm just sitting here trying not to cry because she's made me feel as small and insignificant as she did every day of my childhood. I hate that feeling of being stuck and forced to bend to her whims rather than my needs.

She's also spiteful in that she needed an expensive item, so I offered to put it on my 0% credit card and her pay me back, and even researched and ordered a fantastic black friday deal for her. It's arrived and she's ignored it for days. I suspected she felt she was somehow relinquishing control by 'having' to be grateful to me for sorting it, so I've ignored it. But now she's said, 'make sure you send that back, I don't want it'. I know she's cutting her nose off to spite her face just to be nasty and make me feel not good enough but it still really hurt. To be clear, it's exactly the item she wants and I got it far cheaper than she can get elsewhere.

Even when lockdown is over we're likely to be tier 3 so when I do go home I'll be back lonely and isolated again. I just hate that I'm in my late 20s and that I can still be reduced to tears by her tantrums and demands. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

OP posts:
Eddielzzard · 24/11/2020 13:10

She sounds horrific. LC probably is the best way to go, but really she is abusive and you don't have anything to feel guilty about. She should be ashamed of herself!

diddl · 24/11/2020 13:13

"She's even broken into my flat twice"

Wow!

Whilst you were in said flat?

Don't feel guilty, Op.

You know she's only trying to get you to do what she wants by being "nice".

I had a lovely mother who I got on with-I still wouldn't have wanted to live with her for weeks at a time/indefinitely.

EvelynSalt · 24/11/2020 13:14

Echoing all the other posters, she is a bully and you do not deserve her crap.

Your last post is shocking - she used a card to jimmy your door open? I'd give the building security her picture and if she enters the flat again, phone the police. Her behaviour is not normal and you don't have to put up with it.

Keep strong until tomorrow and then go home and enjoy the peace and freedom that brings!

CloudyVanilla · 24/11/2020 13:18

I hope everything works out okay for you OP.

There is a huge change of tone in your OP and subsequent posts and I know it's not my place and I could be totally wrong but you sound like you are already starting to minimise her behaviour and put up and shut up.

Having to keep superficial contact with someone to prevent them from grossly overstepping boundaries sounds incredibly unhealthy and draining. After a long busy day at work are you sitting at home knowing you have to call or it will escalate?

What do you think she will be like when you have children if you have any in the future?

WindblowingSW · 24/11/2020 13:21

If she breaks into your flat -call the police. 2021 time for a new relationship -she is respectful and polite or don't contact her. End of.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 13:23

Did she say the card was not working and get someone to let her in, or did she really use her training as a catburglar?!

Get that bus tomorrow. If she feels bad or annoyed about you leaving, well, she's brought it on herself. Of course she won't admit that, but you know it's her own fault.

Mrsjayy · 24/11/2020 13:24

Honestly just what everyone else is saying put a mask on and just go home get the train or whatever this sounds like torture your own company has to be better than your bossy mother's.

DianaT1969 · 24/11/2020 13:25

Home. Tomorrow.
Regarding feeling lonely. You can change that OP. Connect with old friends, travel to meet people for a walk, join a running group, volunteer over Christmas. Whatever you can do to widen your circle - do it.

Mrsjayy · 24/11/2020 13:26

She broke into your flat she sounds an absolute fruit loop

upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 13:33

Did she say the card was not working and get someone to let her in, or did she really use her training as a catburglar?!

Sorry I put a typo so wasn't clear. She rang the bell, I ignored, eventually she rang the other flats and someone let her in to the building. Then she used her credit card to jimmy the lock. I do now have a mortis lock which she can't do that too now.

But yes, @CloudyVanilla - After a long busy day at work are you sitting at home knowing you have to call or it will escalate? Absolutely. She'll send a superficial text or link or picture of one of the cats. If I ignore she'll ring later. If I ignore that she'll send a crying emoji, why are you ignoring me, poor me kind of thing. If I ignore that she starts ramping up saying are you ok, I'm worried etc. Then she'll to crazy stuff like break in.

Interesting that you say my tone has changed. When I posted I was on the verge of tears. I did actually cry. Then the resonses helped, but also there's a cycle that happened when I lived here that I just become numb, matter of fact, kind of detached from it all. It's a coping mechanism I suppose after years of this shit, like suppressing the details of our exchange this morning. At least it's easier to cope with than the sheer sense of feeling trapped and helpless I had this morning.

OP posts:
upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 13:34

Then she used her credit card to jimmy the lock to my actual flat. Sorry again! Confused

OP posts:
ravenmum · 24/11/2020 13:36

Mad!

Timizv · 24/11/2020 13:38

I am so sorry to hear this. There is no way out unless you stand up to her. I don’t know how but you have to pluck up the courage and tell her that you are not a child anymore, this has to stop and she needs to change if she wants to be in your life!! It’s difficult to do but worth it in the long run. Your life is precious and your mum is ruining it!!

WeatherwaxOn · 24/11/2020 13:40

Go home and we'll keep you company on Mumsnet.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 13:41

you have to pluck up the courage and tell her
Tried this with mine. It was a total disaster. She was a poor victim, I was a nasty, heartless bitch. I now use the same strategy described above with the phone calls.

CloudyVanilla · 24/11/2020 13:41

@upsetinlockdwn that makes total sense and yes I could tell from your posts that was what was happening.

The reason I fucking hate women like this is because they make their daughters more susceptible to abusive relationships because their poor children are already so used to appeasing, walking on eggshells and internalising just like you said.

Please understand I'm not saying you're bound to end up like that and you know that your relationship with your mum isn't normal. I just wish you didn't have to put up with this.

I know it's always said that on mumsnet people are far too quick to say LTB or go NC, but I really think your mum sounds above all like a dark cloud of obligation, guilt and manipulation over your life. If you can get any help or self help I would really recommend it.

Even with non abusive parents it takes some years for some people (like me) to realise that a parent's judgement and opinion isn't binding or even influential on you as an adult. But people like your mum are the opposite of that and think that she has some sort of right to your attention and care. She doesn't though.

If I were in your shoes I would be writing a long letter and email to her, explaining why I needed to have a break from contact, that her actions aren't normal or healthy and that you don't live in peace solely because of her. I bet more avenues of your life would open up in tandem with you releasing yourself from her.

jessstan1 · 24/11/2020 13:46

Just go home, you can manage it somehow. Return the thing you bought on your credit card for her. Being at home alone is better than your current situation. Your mum goes out to work so she can look after herself.

tara66 · 24/11/2020 13:50

Hope you have good weather for your trip home tomorrow! Just walk out. Tell her if she tries to break into your flat you'll go to the police.

ravenmum · 24/11/2020 13:54

What I'd do is change your number and tell her you aren't paying for a landline any more as your mobile is enough for you. Then if she contacts you on the mobile, ignore calls and always just write back a text full of smileys saying "Hi Mum, sorry can't talk right now - busy, busy, busy! I'll call you on Sunday/the first of the month/your birthday as usual. Have a great day!" Super upbeat and cheerful so she can't say she's worried or you are rude, but also as if you are a totally thick-skinned person who honestly has no clue if she's annoyed, wants you to call or whatever.

ellalina · 24/11/2020 13:54

@CarinaMarina

That's just abuse mate. Meet your work deadline today, pack up your stuff, book an Uber or a taxi, take the Amazon parcel and get back home.

Good Lord, being alone is better than being her emotional punchbag and doormat, fuck that. I know it's easy for us to say, sat out here not listening to her vitriolic diatribes, but you are worth so much more. Write her a letter if you must but you need to go, she is pulling you to pieces and it just isn't on.

I agree with every post so far, but this one in particular rang true.

Even if your area is Tier 3, you can still go out for a distanced walk with one other person.
Take up a from-home class perhaps - I tried Zoom yoga recently and really enjoyed the social aspect (currently working from home and am alone for many hours every day, until child back from school and husband from work).
What has also helped loneliness for me has been having a project to crack on with, when I’m not working. For me, this has been repainting parts of our house and also trying to get really fit by taking up running again.

But above all, GET OUT OF THERE.

CeibaTree · 24/11/2020 13:56

She has tried every trick before when I've gone low or no contact

OP, it might not seem like it but you have all the power in this situation, she has done such a number on you that you can't see it. You are as essential to her as the air that she breathes. Bide your time until tomorrow and then get the hell out of there. The lock on your flat is sorted now, so she won't be able to break in again. I know it's drastic, but could you move and not tell her your new address, or at the very least block her number, or change your phone number? It sounds like a really awful situation, stay strong!

DishingOutDone · 24/11/2020 13:58

She used a credit card to jimmy the lock. WTAF. I thought they only did that on the telly.

I think you might have won some sort of "Stately Home" type prize for the batshittest parent of the year. If not several years.

Please get out of there tomorrow and go live your life.

Gazelda · 24/11/2020 14:08

I'm so pleased to read your plan.
Once you're home, start thinking about what you can do to build your self esteem. And how you can tackle the loneliness.

Once you've improved your emotional resilience, she won't be able to keep reeling you back in.

AcrossthePond55 · 24/11/2020 14:09

Remember that there is a lot going on online these days. Zoom yoga/exercise classes, cooking classes, even educational seminars. I know it's not quite the same as coffee with friends, but you can semi-un-isolate yourself using online groups.

Calmandmeasured1 · 24/11/2020 14:14

Please post on here tomorrow OP to let us know you're safely esconced in your own home.

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