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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Trying not to cry

198 replies

upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 10:47

NC as don't want this linked to my other posts. This may be long.

I'm stuck in lockdown with my 'D'M and it's becoming unbearable. We both live alone so we decided I stay for a few days because I was struggling with not going out or seeing anyone for months, I assume she was too, although she goes out to work so has more social contact than me. It was supposed to be a few days, then she decided to go on a last minute holiday (I know Hmm ) so I looked after her cats for two weeks, and sorted shit out (food deliveries etc) while she was in quarantine afterwards, and then within a few days we'd gone into Lockdown 2.0.

She's bossy and controlling, but generally I can 'manage' her for an easy life. Mostly this means waiting on her hand and foot which is a double edged sword. If I don't, she huffs and strops about doing anything and calls me lazy and causes a row, and if I do, I make a rod for my own back and she expects it. She sits in her room all day like a queen, all meals cooked, drinks made, I've even ordered and paid for all the food and she's just told me what she wanted.

Anyway I work long hours from home, and have a tight deadline to meet tomorrow. She's gone out to work and said can you do 'x y and z' today, which are not small jobs - think hoovering and dusting the whole house rather than washing up iyswim (she's having a bit of work/DIY done so there's a lot of mess/dust/displaced clutter that needs sorting). I said I'd see what I could get to, but reminded her of my deadline which had to be priority. She started to lose her temper, shout over me, belittle me and call me names. I'm so used to this I clam up and now when I recall the exchange, I've blocked out a lot of details Sad but she wanted me to spend most of the day doing what she wanted rather than working. I reminded her that if I had to go out to work then it would just have to wait (it's already waited weeks and weeks, what is one more day!), and she has this habit of just shouting over me with insults or even just 'lalala' when I reply with anything other than 'yes' to her demands Sad

I have my own place, but she lives rural and I don't drive. I don't even know if buses are running (they're sporadic even pre covid) and I don't want to get on a bus anyway.

I'm just sitting here trying not to cry because she's made me feel as small and insignificant as she did every day of my childhood. I hate that feeling of being stuck and forced to bend to her whims rather than my needs.

She's also spiteful in that she needed an expensive item, so I offered to put it on my 0% credit card and her pay me back, and even researched and ordered a fantastic black friday deal for her. It's arrived and she's ignored it for days. I suspected she felt she was somehow relinquishing control by 'having' to be grateful to me for sorting it, so I've ignored it. But now she's said, 'make sure you send that back, I don't want it'. I know she's cutting her nose off to spite her face just to be nasty and make me feel not good enough but it still really hurt. To be clear, it's exactly the item she wants and I got it far cheaper than she can get elsewhere.

Even when lockdown is over we're likely to be tier 3 so when I do go home I'll be back lonely and isolated again. I just hate that I'm in my late 20s and that I can still be reduced to tears by her tantrums and demands. I feel so trapped and frustrated.

OP posts:
upsetinlockdwn · 24/11/2020 14:30

The reason I fucking hate women like this is because they make their daughters more susceptible to abusive relationships because their poor children are already so used to appeasing, walking on eggshells and internalising just like you said.

Exactly this. My relationship history has been pretty disastrous. One was horribly abusive and straight out of the same textbook my mother clearly uses. He used to send the most vile messages and make me cry at work, block me for the smallest of reasons, and when both him and her were on at me it was really unbearable. One other memorable one was I thought we had a year of a perfect relationship, then we had our first disagreement and he just... disappeared. Sulked, gave me the silent treatment, went to work the next day and didn't come back. I was devastated and it took me a long time to realise that, the same as PPs have said, it was only good because I toed the line and did what he said. The second I pushed back he dropped me and left me feeling awful for standing up to him and wishing I hadn't.

@Calmandmeasured1 I definitely will, thank you all again for your help.

OP posts:
LAMPS1 · 24/11/2020 14:39

You mustn’t allow yourself to be treated this way by anybody let alone your own mother.
It is abuse.
And you owe a person who abuses you absolutely nothing but your disdain...and a lot of distance.
So please leave as soon as you possibly can and then look to deal with the loneliness some other way ..a more positive way for your self esteem. Small steps would be best. Start with a walk out each day.
As for your mother, simply tell her that you won’t be able to see her for a while. Then give yourself a good long break away from her until you feel more on top of the situation. It would be wise to seek counselling in order to put your feelings about your rotten childhood into perspective.

MzHz · 24/11/2020 14:40

@WeatherwaxOn

Go home and we'll keep you company on Mumsnet.
This was what I was going to say! You can have your own keep me company lockdown thread! We’ll chat to you!!
YoniAndGuy · 24/11/2020 15:24
Shock

OP your mother is poison.

Can I just say, I am wishing you well for getting out of this tomorrow and I'm sure you will but please think of getting some therapy to help you for the future, to unpick the harm that she's done to you - and also to give you the tools to cut contact with her.

In a nutshell, if you ever want a truly ok and stress-free life and any hope of a good relationship and a non-dysfunctional family you are going to HAVE to get rid of her.

If you have a baby and are still in touch with her she will utterly destroy you.

Start working towards the point where you can walk away and have the strength to simply get the police onto her if she harrasses you. It can be done. You can do it.

UniversalAunt · 24/11/2020 15:39

Only read half way through all the so-far unanimous responses & here to cheer you on.

Put yourself first - complete your work well & on time.
Then as soon as possible tomorrow, pack your stuff & go.
Leave a polite short note on the kitchen table that you have gone home.
Get your money back on the order.

If she has the bare faced gall to break into your home in the past, then you must make sure that your home security is a priority.

Consider approaching your GP for a referral to/ recommendation of a good therapist to help you examine the impact of your toxic mother on your self of self.

GreySkyClouds · 24/11/2020 15:44

Short term - Go home.
Medium term - find a counsellor to un do some of the emotional damage
Longer term- create your own safe home, even if it means you being alone for a little bit first

You have time for things to get better OP. Keep going x

RaeBeam · 24/11/2020 16:41

It really upsets me to read this. Its not ok for your partner to treat you like this. I think you should end the relationship. Easier said than done I'm sure, but that's what I think.

RaeBeam · 24/11/2020 16:45

Hi I'm really sorry I thought this was your partner. I'm so sorry! You should go home and put some distance between the two of you. Tbh same thing, I don't know if I would continue to have a relationship with someone that treated me like this. There are people out there that will love and value you as a person and treat you in the way you deserve.

LuckyLuckyWoman · 24/11/2020 17:04

I'd spend every penny I had to get out of there asap.

Spend the time you would cleaning, getting home, let her do her own cleaning.

Stay up all night to meet your deadline in your own home

MintyChops · 24/11/2020 17:05

Hope your work went well today OP and you met your deadline. Good luck getting through the evening with her. Just think, this time tomorrow you will be safely home and at peace.

Yaty · 24/11/2020 17:07

I dont mean to sound mean but what are you doing there, you need to go home. You'll forever be lonely if you keep yourself tied down to your mothers emotional abuse.

Toppered · 24/11/2020 17:10

I hope you managed to get gome OP, you can find lots of stuff to keep you occupied oine & MN is always here.

It is emotional abuse at least, and very nasty Flowers

CorianderQueen · 24/11/2020 17:18

You know you're allowed to leave even though we're in lockdown?

CorianderQueen · 24/11/2020 17:24

Sorry seen that you left. Good. She's an ungrateful, rude sod.

You don't deserve her ill treatment.

PinkiOcelot · 24/11/2020 17:43

I hope you’re packing OP. Ready for the off in the morning.

Your mum sounds absolutely horrific. She doesn’t deserve you!!

makingmiracles · 24/11/2020 18:00

Stay strong OP i had similar growing up and i left home and went NC at 16, its been 19yrs now and we haven’t so much as spoken, surprisingly given we live in the same county I’ve only ever seen her 3 times, but she didn’t see me and I disappeared pretty dam quick!

The relief when you go NC is immense, I shudder to think how my life would’ve turned out if I hadn’t. Wether you go LC or NC I wish you strength and peace, good luck for tomorrow.

Beancounter1 · 24/11/2020 18:02

After you have got home, blocked her on your phone and all social media, got some counselling, and started to rebuild your life, there is one more thing to do:
Allow yourself to grieve for the mother you never had - the loving, kind, sane mother that you deserved when you were little and never had, the mother you don't have now and never will. You need to grieve over this, then move on.

Wheresmykimchi · 24/11/2020 18:18

Go home OP Flowers

Redlocks28 · 24/11/2020 18:22

How long have you been there? Since the start of this lockdown? Please tell me you don’t mean since March?!

Go home. Better to be a bit lonely than there.

sapnupuas · 24/11/2020 18:36

Send the item back.

When it's gone say she's done you a favour by sending it back as you didn't really want to spend on your credit card.

She will hate that her attempt at pettiness has actually helped you.

TheRealHousewife · 24/11/2020 18:46

Just go home lovie. It sounds a hellish environment and very triggering for you Flowers

Fightthebear · 24/11/2020 18:53

Flowers for you op because you deserve them.

UsernameChat · 24/11/2020 18:58

Just go home.

CannibalQueen · 24/11/2020 19:05

Go home. Do not announce it, just go. Wear a mask on a bus. Ask a pal to give you a lift. You don't need that negativity on top of lock down.

SunshineCake · 24/11/2020 19:05

I hope you get home soon.

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