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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset with no bday present

163 replies

Thankyoubutnothankyou · 24/11/2020 09:54

First of all I know I'm not being too unreasonable to be incredibly hurt.
I have two siblings, one older one younger. A few years ago the older one turned 40 and the younger one suggested we'd get them an expensive birthday gift. It was something theyd wanted for a long time, so we both chipped in, got it and even had it delivered.
Today is my 40th. All I got so far is a text message from the younger sibling. Nothing yet from the older. I don't think they've gotten me anything. WWYD? Wait til the end of the day and then say something or never mention it. I'm so disappointed I feel like crying.. Its not the gift or the money obviously but the disregard 😞

OP posts:
Meraas · 24/11/2020 23:04

He actually said ‘something small’?

OP, speak up and say you’re disappointed.

And don’t get the fuckers anything again if they give you a shit gift.

I bet your older brother will be getting your brother a nice present on his 40th.

StoneofDestiny · 25/11/2020 09:09

Something small

It might not be - it might be something huge, let's see.

StoneofDestiny · 25/11/2020 09:11

...they might have made a real effort and that is him being 'funny' (though they could have got the date right for delivery)

StoneofDestiny · 25/11/2020 09:14

I can't see how I can call them out on it without sounding like a cow though

I'd mention it directly.

'I was really deeply hurt my big birthday meant so little to you both, when you knew it was important to me (just as I helped make yours so special)'

Isthisnothing · 25/11/2020 09:26

Aw OP I am sorry. I was hoping it was coming later by FedEx but it seems they forgot judging by your brother's latest message. That is crap. The only thing I can say is that things are so strange at the moment, I find myself forgetting appointments and turning up late.

I would send them a non-aggressive message simply stating "I and not saying this to make you feel bad but I am a bit hurt and disappointed at the lack of effort. It stings given the effort we went to for eldest's 40th a few years ago."

I know what it's like. I have great siblings but family dynamics are complex - I am always the one working around everyone else's plans at the expense of my own, travelling around the country and to other countries, putting them and their children first.
For years I thought it was because I had no children / partner and was (wrongly) considered not to be busy but nothing has changed now. No-shows at my Big Birthday, my child's birthdays or christening etc and with no valid reason. I didn't ask either of them to be godparents or in the bridal party, my parents were disapproving but I don't care, it would be taken for granted.

It doesn't mean they don't love you, it's upsetting for sure though.

Growapair · 27/11/2020 13:32

Has anything arrived op?

Original poster
Thankyoubutnothankyou · 27/11/2020 17:43

Very disappointing.. Older brother popped over and gave me a £100 gift voucher for a retail chain that my dh works for and we get a generous staff discount already 🙄
I did ask if it was a joint sibling present but he said it was just from him.
Sen younger brother a message 'Do you remember when we bought Brother a guitar for his 40th?' and left it at that.. No reply.

OP posts:
Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 27/11/2020 17:52

Oh God, that's really crap!
Belated birthday wishes Cake (not shit) Flowers

Aria2015 · 27/11/2020 17:56

Not a great gift but I guess if you already get a generous staff discount £100 will go quite far? Maybe that was his thinking? Just trying to give him the benefit of the doubt!

Beautiful3 · 27/11/2020 18:10

I'm glad your older brother popped over. £100 is generous. £100 combined with your husbands staff discount, will get something lovely. Shame about your younger brother though. But you never know, he may redeem himself. Update us if he does! Happy 40th birthday by the way!

RandomMess · 27/11/2020 18:32
Sad
Original poster
Thankyoubutnothankyou · 27/11/2020 19:18

Younger brother replied 'Yes I do remember. How come?'
I texted back.: 'Do you remember that for my 40th birthday on Tuesday you didn't organise anything together and that your birthday wishes arrived by text?'

No reply yet..

I think older brother just got the voucher on his way here because it was easy. Its not very personal to me. No thought has gone into it. Oh well..

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 27/11/2020 19:29

Enjoy spending your voucher - at least it sounds 'useful' if unimaginative.

Can't wait to hear what the other one comes up with.

1FootInTheRave · 27/11/2020 19:29

Happy belated birthday.

Yanbu and I hope they make it right.

FredtheFerret · 27/11/2020 19:33

Well done on texting! I'm pleased you actually called him out on this. And yes, buy him socks for his 40th.

Too often women paste a brave smile on and don't speak up when they are hurt because that's what we think we must do.

Craftycorvid · 27/11/2020 19:38

Aw, OP Sad Happy 40th and make this your decade! I’m usually a tolerant soul but have gone full diva when DH has been an arse on my birthday. Have you tended to be the person in your family who does the ‘looking after’? Time to care for yourself. And good for you letting them know your feelings are hurt.

Oysterbabe · 27/11/2020 19:38

Well done for pulling him up on it.

Original poster
Thankyoubutnothankyou · 27/11/2020 20:15

His reply was laughing emojis!! And then he said how do you know we haven't organised anything. And then he added that by the way both of you congratulated me by text on my 30th. I replied OK.

So he basicly first tried to fob my text off by ridicule, then lie that he might have organised something and then tried to start an argument.

None of us have bought each other any birthday gifts before my older brothers 40th.

OP posts:
PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 27/11/2020 20:20

My ex's BiL and his wife got a trip to a famously romantic city for his 40th. We all chipped in. For his 40th, a few years later, my ex got - fuck all. Still rankles. His self-esteem was never all that high, and that pretty much tanked it.

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 27/11/2020 20:21

Sorry - brother. Not BiL.

mawbroon · 27/11/2020 20:29

About 6 years ago, after yet another birthday disappointment, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I now always buy myself a present and organise something fun for the day that I enjoy. If anyone else gives me presents/cake etc then it's a bonus.

It's disappointment proof Grin

livinlavida · 27/11/2020 20:34

A £100 gift card is actually really generous - sorry but that sounded really ungrateful

Original poster
Thankyoubutnothankyou · 27/11/2020 20:41

@livinlavida yes it is generous. But his guitar was very expensive, so he would have thought about that.
I've now raised it with them both and will leave it at that. Not going to hold it against them, but people need to be told when their actions or inactions hurt others.

OP posts:
Oreservoir · 27/11/2020 20:45

My siblings were all given £40. cash on their 40th from my dm.
Except me. I was given a cheap ring that one of her boyfriends had given to her. She has form for not giving me thoughtful gifts.
This year for Christmas I’m fighting back. She is getting £30 of high street vouchers.

Baggingarea · 27/11/2020 20:45

I wonder if your youngest brother organised your older brother's 40th gift as a pa reminder you didn't get him anything for his 30th.

Have been in this boat (with a friend not a relative) and sadly there's not much you can do now. Not buying people presents in return is such a cf move though.