To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

Firstly your mother should ensure her name is on the deeds if she is married.
If she's not married to your step father what happens when he dies ?
Will his, for now, estranged children suddenly appear to claim their inheritance ?

You've got to get her independent legal advice.
Try and go with her as she will no doubt "forget" to give the full facts to the solicitor.

How can your brother possibly expect to get the house if he has already lost her her own house when she paid off his debts.

Surely he owes the money to her ?

Sadly she sounds a bit pathetic tbh.
And you're the one suffering because of it.
The golden child absolutely won't be there to " wipe her ar*e" as a previous poster has written.

Sorry.
I cross posted with you OP.

I just want to say, the reason they were left the house in the first place was because step dad struck a very similar cash deal with the only remaining relative of said friend. I was told he conned her into leaving him the house. I didn’t want to believe what I was being told at the time but now it seems pretty clear.

My mums always been a walk over, especially where DB is concerned, she’s written off any debt, so my db owes her nothing because she feels he has made a fresh start and has changed. I was the one she called crying when she had her house taken away by debt collectors.

The house was gifted to them both but my mum agreed for it to be in his name (I know, im shocked at this too).

I suspected as much.

And there is no chance he will care for her or wipe her a**, he couldn’t even visit my grandad when he was dying because “it upset him too much” and “he doesn’t like hospitals”.

@Lovemusic33

My SD will states my mum will get the houses.

I have just had a huge argument with her on the phone, told her exactly how I feel, she was shocked and this has upset me even more, she doesn’t see why it’s such a big deal. I reminded her of the reason she lost her house, reminded her of all the times my db has screwed her over, reminded her who was there to ICT up the pieces. She said “we haven’t decided yet what we are going to do but we are considering it”, I told her the fact she is considering it at all is enough. I could hear SD in the background listening and clearing his throat, he didn’t say a word.

"The fact she was considering it was wrong", nope not at all. it is her right to consider all options, would you be as angry if she was considering giving it all to you and not DB?

YABU (and selfish/vulgar, and quite cruel to be shouting at your mother about what happens when she dies).

she had her own house, she lost that house due to getting in debt to pay off my brother debt. I have seen her lose so much and I have supported her emotionally. I’m done 😢

This is awful. She has really kicked you in the teeth.

And before people start thinking this is just about money, it absolutely isn't, is it?

My mum, an only child, cared for my grandparents for many years. My Grandma, always somewhat difficult, got bitter and twisted in old age, and the upshot of it was that in her will, she left everything... house, savings, everything, to a charity she didn't even care for. Just to spite my mum (who did everything for her at the point that she made her will).

My mum said it was never about the money. It was about the fact that clearly my Grandma didn't love her. It was the ultimate rejection.

Thanks for calling me vulgar, I’m obviously a really shit daughter for shouting at my mother. I have kept my mouth shut all my life and watched this shit show unfold, and that makes me vulgar?

I think the question is do you want an ongoing relationship with your mum?
You describe her as weak, bad with money, and in a controlling relationship. It also sounds as though your brother has learned how to be controlling towards her and you. So you can continue to accept that is who your mum is, and have a relationship with her or not. If it's based purely on how much inheritance you are likely to get, there's probably not much point is there?
She says no decision has been made yet anyway. Is this just about the money or is it about the family dynamics where it seems the men take what they want, a dynamic I assume you have been trying to break. So do you break it by fighting them or walking away?

It is about the rejection, I couldn’t give a fuck about the money and/or the house, it’s the fact she hasn’t even considered me or my dc. I know dp for a fact that my brother is doing this for the money and that he won’t care for my mother.

I have had to lock my doors as my mum is threatening to bring SD over, I told her I don’t want to see them and I want to be left alone, I don’t want my dc upset (they already are).

@Lovemusic33

Thanks for calling me vulgar, I’m obviously a really shit daughter for shouting at my mother. I have kept my mouth shut all my life and watched this shit show unfold, and that makes me vulgar?

Shouting about it at your mother, and threatening to never speak to her again, because she wont give you half a house? Maybe the behaviour isn't vulgar but the attitude and underlying reasons most certainly are.

Would you feel the same if it was a £2000 car left to you? What is the £££ limit that would prevent this saga from unfolding? What is the price of your silence to your mother? What is the value to you, your family, your DCs?

(I speak from some experience of going NC with mother, father, and twin for over 20 years, but not for monetary reasons.)

@youkiddingme

I think the question is do you want an ongoing relationship with your mum? You describe her as weak, bad with money, and in a controlling relationship. It also sounds as though your brother has learned how to be controlling towards her and you. So you can continue to accept that is who your mum is, and have a relationship with her or not. If it's based purely on how much inheritance you are likely to get, there's probably not much point is there? She says no decision has been made yet anyway. Is this just about the money or is it about the family dynamics where it seems the men take what they want, a dynamic I assume you have been trying to break. So do you break it by fighting them or walking away?

I’m not fighting them, I’m not asking them to leave me anything, the damage is already done by them even considering leaving me and my dc out of the will. Even if they decide not too I don’t think I can get over it. And yes, it’s the final straw of many

How old are you, OP? Decade will do.

I’m almost 40, my dc’s are teens.

Not being heard would make a saint shout

Your parents sound a bit nuts. I wouldn’t go NC before trying to solve the problem. Can they mortgage / borrow from elsewhere? Can you and your sibling lend half the money each, in return for having your names jointly added to house? (A “I’ll leave it to you” deal isn’t worth much with nutty parents who tend to change their will many times as get older.) Can you talk to your sibling or are they horrible? I would never agree to take my sibling’s inheritance like that.

Before considering NC make sure everyone knows how you feel - basically give thema chance to fix it.

If they don’t care at all how you feel then that might be a reason to go NC but be aware that they will see it as “x doesn’t care about us only money”

Your mother is being ridiculous and so is your sibling to go ahead with such a deal...

Either you have a sibling who is manipulating your parent to or you have a parent who is manipulating your sibling...

It is bizarre to state that in return for a small loan, your mother would then leave the entire house to one of her children, especially considering that there are disabled grand-children (your kids) in the mix...

It would be fair to say that the proceeds of the house sale should be divided between all the children but that the one who gave the loan would get a slightly higher share to cover the money they gave.

I would try to have a calm discussion with your parent and with your sibling. If they stick to their guns, I suggest it would be understandable for you to distance yourself from whoever is responsible for this scheming...

You say SDad, is your mum legally married to him?

If he dies without leaving her in his will, all this heartache could be for nothing.

Are you sure there aren't so many debts attached to the house that it won't be worth sod all anyway by the time it's inherited?

If you're taking this decision as rejection, just try and be sure what the situation actually is. If your mum really is agreeing to give something worth £300k to your brother in exchange for £10 of repairs that sounds really weird. Not that people don't do weird stuff. Are the men conning her in some way? I'd at least want my facts straight before I walked away.
Though if it is in fact about other things and this is just the catalyst, well at least also get straight in your mind what it is about.

Anyway, I’m leaving this thread now, seems I have got the answer to my AIBU other than the person who thinks I’m vulgar and a money grabber.

At the moment I don’t want to see them and I’m not sure if that will last forever, maybe once SD is gone I maybe able to have some kind of relationship with my mother. I haven’t been close to my brother for years, he kind of messed that up when mum lost the house. Having no contact with him is no great loss. I now need to concentrate on my dc’s, my eldest is upset and doesn’t want to see them either. My youngest is too disabled to understand.

@Lovemusic33

Anyway, I’m leaving this thread now, seems I have got the answer to my AIBU other than the person who thinks I’m vulgar and a money grabber.

At the moment I don’t want to see them and I’m not sure if that will last forever, maybe once SD is gone I maybe able to have some kind of relationship with my mother. I haven’t been close to my brother for years, he kind of messed that up when mum lost the house. Having no contact with him is no great loss. I now need to concentrate on my dc’s, my eldest is upset and doesn’t want to see them either. My youngest is too disabled to understand.

You mean me. And you want to disregard what I said because I haven't said what you want to hear.

Childish, and reinforces my thoughts about your ulterior motives.

Unless they create a will then none of that is valid. It will go to next of kin.

Step dad may well be nc with his kids but if he survives your mum and makes no will his kids will inherit the house.

Do you know if a will confirming all this exists?

If so, and a talk with your mum and step dad confirms their decision then I'd be tempted to walk away. That behaviour is ridiculous and they aren't considering your future, or your DCS.

I know that people shouldn't fall out over inheritance but the sheer actions of your dm and sd would push me to go no contact. Theyre totally throwing you under the bus for some repair work!

If the house is in his name and she inherits it from him once he dies, I don’t see how a legal agreement can then dictate how she leaves her property.

It may be that her DH leaves the house in trust to your brother, with a ‘lifetime interest’ for your Mum to continue living in it until her death.

God knows why your Mum agreed for it to just be in her DH’s name.

@GabriellaMontez

How do you think they should pay to get the repairs done?

Assuming that they are not in really poor health, maybe they could get jobs and work to pay for things they need!

I would go nc with the lot of them.

Vile set of creatures, including your mother.