To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

It sounds to me like both OP and her sister are being dangled a promise which likely wont be kept. If they are so strapped for cash then I would have significant doubts that a will gets written at all.

If no will then intestacy rules are applied.

@Lovemusic33 - I'm so sorry you're going through this. Something similar happened in our family and the hurt caused and the fall out has been awful. If you go NC with your family because of this people will probably presume it's because of the money side of things and not because of feelings or relationships or rejection and there probably won't be much you can do about that. So for that reason, as you feel you've had a close relationship with your mum I would talk to her first so that she is clear on how their actions have made you feel, whether she agrees with what you say or not. It's really important to be heard and for your feelings to at least be known going forwards whatever you decide to do. Also keep in mind it's difficult to come back from going NC and should you change your mind it'll be pretty much out of your control, so take your time.

Yes, a 'few thousand' isn't going to go far if a large house has been allowed to deteriorate. They could be needing over £50k if the roof is dodgy, the electrics shot and a new boiler needed. It all sounds very vague.

Your DM needs to get professional advice. This sounds like a very unwise deal for her and SD as much as it is for you and, long term, for your DS.

Either a yarn is being spun here or your sibling is trying to take advantage of your mum.

It sounds like your DM and Stepdad are not great with money. They were gifted a house by friends (who has friends like that?) and they still do not have any money for upkeep.

You need to talk to your mum and stepdad to get their version of events and understand what their financial issues are.

@GabriellaMontez

How much is a few thousand?

If you dont know, you dont really know of this is fair.

I’m trying not to say much as I am worried my step dad will see this.

The house was left in a will by a friend.

I’m not sure if the exact amount of money being offered but I’m guessing no more than £10,000. My dm is about to come into inheritance herself but my step dad has been spending that money in his head for years, I was told by another source that he married my mum to get hold of this inheritance. I suspect the plan has always been for me to get nothing and I strongly suspect my sibling could end up with nothing too.

As I said before, this isn’t about the money, they should sell the house and buy a smaller property so they can live comfortably, I don’t care if there’s no many left by the time they die. I just feel betrayed by my mother and sibling for them to even consider me being left nothing and my sibling everything.

I wouldnt necessarily envy your DSis. A few thousand now then in a couple of years it will be another few thousand, then another, then another. Each time The Will will be dangled over DSis' head.

In the end it is quite possible that the house will be sold for care home fees and DSis will end up with nothing despite having handed over many thousands in preceding years.

This may be a blessing in disguise.

I completely understand why you are angry and upset. It's a ridiculous idea, but also comes across as underhand and nasty.

I would try and explain to your mother and sister again why you feel the way you do and suggest alternative solutions. If they insist on this idea I personally wouldn't want to have much to do with them either. Really sorry you are going through this OP.

I was told that I wasn't in the will, when they died I had an equal share with the other beneficiary so thank goodness I didn't go NC, I'd have felt so guilty and rightly so.

@GnomeDePlume

I wouldnt necessarily envy your DSis. A few thousand now then in a couple of years it will be another few thousand, then another, then another. Each time The Will will be dangled over DSis' head.

In the end it is quite possible that the house will be sold for care home fees and DSis will end up with nothing despite having handed over many thousands in preceding years.

This may be a blessing in disguise.

Your right and I do feel that will happen. I don’t expect my step dad to be around much longer, he has several health conditions, my mum in the other hand couple live another 25+ years, until yesterday I was willing to move into the house and take care of her until she dies, I wouldn’t have expected the house in return, I would have expected the house to be sold when she dies and for me to get my fair share, I would never consider taking my sibling inheritance from them. My sibling is unlikely to care for my mum so he would have to pay to put her into care.

There is a huge difference emotionally between everything going to care/living costs and being actively cut out. Your sister and stepdad sound equally horrid

I don’t think you are being unreasonable and your feelings of disappointment are valid. I would speak to your DM alone and tell her how you feel and take it from there.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

a few £1000 for a £300k property is an incredible investment

It would be if there was a meaningful contract. But depending on the age of the DM and Stepfather it could also be the first of a long series of loans/gifts required to protect her "investment", which might never pay off for numerous reasons.

This was my first thought. My DGF was a master at swindling money out of his kids on various pretexts, and this was one of his tactics.

He then “had an attack of conscience” and asked my DF for cash to see a solicitor to change his will back to include everyone. DM pointed out he could just destroy the unequal will, but no there were Reasons he needed to spend £500 to do it.

Of course he just pocketed the cash and left the will as it was. Poisonous man.

OP,
As you rightly pointed out you can't demand inheritance.
Take your mum out, talk to her alone, calmly. Tell her in very simple words, that informing you about the fact you will be disinherited is very hard not to take personally. Ask her directly what did she think you would feel when she made that decision. Don't let her explain it out with 'I need money now' as she can structure the will differently, sell the house and buy a smaller one, do equity release etc.
Whatever you decide about your contact with your mother I would definitely cut off your sneaky sister who made the deal with your mum to trade off several thousands in exhhange for kicking you out of the will, especially given your disabled children.

You need to have a very frank chat with your mum, OP. There are other ways they can raise the money without giving away the house, such as equity release (although I think selling and moving to somewhere manageable is the sensible option).

Given that your SD is not in the best place mentally, I'd be questioning whether he actually has capacity to make this decision and even whether there is an element of financial abuse here.

However, if you're on benefits because you're a f/t carer, it's worth bearing in mind that you would lose all your means-tested benefits if you inherited, and they would not be reinstated until your capital was below £16k. And if they think you've spent a lot to bring your money to below £16k, they can treat you as if you've still got it.

If they go ahead, then I hope it all goes on care home fees and your sister doesn't see a penny.

they should sell the house and buy a smaller property so they can live comfortably
Totally agree. This is the conversation you could have with your Mum.

I just feel betrayed by my mother and sibling for them to even consider me being left nothing and my sibling everything

They could change the will, use it for care homes, he could remarry...

Sounds very likely your sister will be left with nothing. She must know this too. Perhaps its more of a gift.

You're basing all this on some third party info. Is it reliable or malicious gossip?

I did speak to my mum yesterday, I pointed out the risks of doing this, I also told her that my plan was to move in and care for her but that I won’t be doing that if this goes ahead (my sibling can arrange care). She said she felt confused after talking to me and was unsure what to do, before talking to me she didn’t really see the issue 😕 although she is aware that is unfair. I was pretty calm when I spoke to her yesterday and after our chat she just carried on as normal as if nothing was said.

Not 3rd party, it came from my mother.

This actually reminds me a little bit of a situation in DH's family a few years ago.
An elderly relative moved in with a friend and offered her house to BIL and SIL as she didn't want it left empty. She asked if they could just pay for essential maintenance to make sure the house was kept in reasonable condition. And they must treat it like their own as she would leave it to them in her will.
BIL and SIL ploughed a lot of money into the house, which was in a very poor condition, over a period of about 10 years. They figured the investment was worth it as it would be theirs eventually. Elderly relative then fell out with the friend and wanted her house back. The house was subsequently sold to pay for her care costs. BIL and SIL never saw a penny of their money back, which they might otherwise have spent on their own property.

I'm not sure your sister has got the good end of the deal. She might find herself paying for another thing and another thing and then not getting anything at the end.

Depending on their age, equity release might be a better route. It’s something to be cautious about as a rule, and they should consider it via a chartered financial advisor, not by going direct to a company that advertises aggressively or their bank.
If they do equity release they can do it to x % of the house and it can enable people to stay in the house they love, taking care of repairs or adaptations or just releasing money for travel dreams or whatever.

Have they both got Wills? What happens to the property if your mum predeceases your stepfather?

Sorry, should that be brother?

The whole thing sounds pretty absurd. They could sell up and buy somewhere smaller and have loads of cash left over to keep aside for future repairs.

It sounds like your parents haven't thought this through, or perhaps they are struggling a bit and aren't in a good place to make these kinds of decisions.

I don't know what to suggest but I would definitely be discouraging the whole thing if they ask for your input, and if I were your sister I would still be discouraging it.

Would it be possible to get through to your step dad that they could have nice holidays and x y z if they downsized instead??

If you think he is genuinely making odd decisions is it time to tell your Mum he needs assessing so a POA can be sorted?

I would be deeply hurt as whilst i get its obviously her decision its a painful one and i could never cut any of my kids out of my will so i wonder how anyone else can. fair enough maybe give her an extra 10% of the property maybe but to give it all to her is just hurtful.

@RandomMess

Would it be possible to get through to your step dad that they could have nice holidays and x y z if they downsized instead??

If you think he is genuinely making odd decisions is it time to tell your Mum he needs assessing so a POA can be sorted?

My step dad isn’t well enough to go on holiday, he barely leaves the house, since my mum has been with him she rarely goes anywhere either.

My mum said that step dad won’t sell the house as they love the house so much, of course they love the house, they would never have been able to afford to buy such a house, they were lucky it was left to them but it has very little sentimental value, they have only lived there a couple years. It seems step dad is willing to do anything to stay there.

I’m going to stop posting now as I have a feeling I have been outed. I don’t want to cause more issues 😢