To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

My dm is about to come into inheritance herself

Maybe she sees that money as yours when your DSis gets the house?
That's also a daft idea of course, but in her head she might be thinking that evens it up a bit.

It's a mad plan, both from your parents and your sister's point of view. I'd suggest alternatives (down sizing, equity release) if I were you.

I'd also think long and hard about blithely saying things like "I am prepared to move in a look after you til the end of your days" if I were you. Much better to make plans as and when the situation arises based on all the circumstances of the time.

OP, with all your follow up information, you do sound like you have your head screwed on.

Unfairness to you aside, the proposed plan has some very serious potential implications for your mum and your DS. What if DM did die unexpectedly before Step dad? What if DS' partner wants their money back?

Whatever happens, please make sure your mum has thorough legal advice.

It's your sibling that's the problem. Your mum needs money and rather than saying, I'll loan you £10,000 but please put it in your will so I get it back before inheritance is split they've taken the opportunity to essentially force your parents to give them everything. I wouldn't be mad at your mum brigid be fuming with your sibling for taking advantage of their mum like that!

Just checking; did you get this info from the horses mouth (DM) or second hand?

It seems step dad is willing to do anything to stay there

I still question the ownership of the house. Did the friends who gave/left the house give/leave it to both of them, or to your stepfather?

You don't say how old parents are - how long they are likely to be around for is sister only gives them a small amount for their immediate needs, and the possibility that it will be needed for care home fees.

Have they looked at equity release?
getting the house valued, and your sister legally buying a share of the house now at market value, or close to that?

2bazookas - the OP said she learned it directly from her mother.

Without a will what your mum says or wants means nothing as it will go to your Stepdad and if they can’t afford the upkeep on the house then they are unlikely to want to spend a few hundred quid on a will .

They could easily split it so that they own 50 percent each and leave that to both of you with the spouse that is still alive getting the right to stay in the house until they die .
This pretty much ensures that at least half of the house is protected in case of care homes as they will only own 50 percent of the house
Easy to do along with a will and costs about £300 inc getting wills set up

best you can do is persuade your mum and SIL that Mum needs to get independent legal advice on this. I am pretty sure a reputable lawyer will point out all the pitfalls of SF's plan. That might convince your SIL that she'd be throwing her partners money down a drain with no guarantee of ever inheriting the house.

If it’s only a few £1000 they need why not take equity release?

How does your DSis see your DM and StepDF? Is it a close and loving bond or does your DSis get annoyed at their lack of financial sense?

Given that they have inherited this house, did they own a home before or did they rent? What has happened to the money that they gained from selling or no longer having to rent their previous home? Is it a case that they simply burn their way through whatever money comes to hand?

Is this in fact a way of DSis keeping some control so that they do actually keep the roof over their heads?

To be honest this sounds a bit like something my DB has done with DM. He has put money into DM's house so that he can limit what he sees as her spendthrift habits. They clash on this constantly as DM is a bit spendthrift and DB is tight with cash.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling

I think it's more about this, and the will is a symptom rather than the problem itself.

It doesn't sound as if the relationships you have with them are healthy, and this is the icing on the cake.

If you feel like not speaking to them, don't. You don't have to make a permanent decision right now though. Have a chat with your mum about it, if you're not 100% sure you've got all the details, and pull back from the relationships if you need to. Respect how you feel. But also, respect that you might feel differently in the future, and don't pressure yourself into making any massive, family-cutting-off type decisions unless you really want to.

I would lay a good bet that the house is either mortgaged or used as security for their debts in some way. Or was given in life rent only.

Your parents sound financially feckless (easy come, easy go) and the step father who doesn't keep in contact with how own children and wont leave the house, sounds like an idiot who isn't a great influence on anyone.

Have a read through of all the reply’s here as it will be helpful in terms of aspects you may not have considered in your shock and upset. Then have your say to all concerned.
Tell them how you see it and that it makes no sense.. a few thousand in exchange for several hundred thousand? It doesn’t add up and seems very, very unfair. Explain that this will upset your relationship/your children’s relationship with everyone involved and in fact could result in you no longer wanting a relationship with any of them. If it cannot be resolved ensure that you have said all that you want to before going no contact.

I can't believe your mum can't see the issue with this!
Can you keep working on your mum, she sounds a bit controlled by your stepdad. Could you talk her round?

You need to express your hurt that your sibling would suggest something so greedy and that your parents would accept it. You then need to suggest that your parents get legal advice. I think any lawyer would suggest alternatives like a will that gives the sibling the amount given, then dividing the rest of the assets among whomever they want.

Your sibling can't enforce your parents' side of this bargain. People can change their will any time they want to. They can't be contractually obliged to, otherwise it ceases to be a will in the ordinary sense and becomes an extortionate rate of interest on money lent, with that interest being subject to tax. It could even be deemed to be coercive, given their desperation for the cash.

If one of my children suggested this arrangement to me then they would probably face a penalty for trying to exclude their sibling. I have made one thing very clear to my children - friends come and go, siblings don't. They are yours for life. You look after that relationship at your peril.

If you sister is going to take over the house, can I ask you if the house is actually going to need potentially the value of the house to be spent on it? Do you think it is your sister that is being manipulated here?

If she is pouring money in to 'save' the house for your mother and stepfather, on the understanding that one day it will be hers. Given your mother will live there for 25 years plus in your view, and it is already falling down, it could cost more than it is worth to fix over that period of time.

So she invests now, but won't see a penny of her investment for thirty years? I am not sure what it is such a good thing for her at all. Anything could happen in that time.

I agree your mother needs to make some provision for you and your dc, and I hope you can talk to her about this.

The house sounds like an expensive curse to me. Your stepfather has somehow convinced her to do this because he wants to stay there; the list could be very long and a bottomless pit, as some houses need endless investment and work.

WTF... there's an almost identical situation to this from the other side on another thread. Is this a reverse or a more common situation than I think? Can't believe so many people think like this re inheritance!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/4087403-Another-inheritance-one-is-this-fair

The only way this arrangement would make any sense at all is if it needs around 250k spent on it - that could be now or the next 20 years. Maybe they have done the sums and that is what is required to get it up to scratch. Then your sister hasn't actually gained anything.

I wouldn't cut your mum out because you can only do it once and you'll be the one having to live with the want it's and regrets when she dies. Which she really will one day.

You don't know why she is saying it to you because she could have done it without telling you. Things change. Maybe she's being controlled. But you only get one mum so be really really fucking sure because you have to live with the decision. And when shes gone, unless she's nasty enough that you would have gone no contact before this, then you can't take it back and she is worth more than money.

We had something similar in our family, where someone was going to miss out, and like you, was hurt and angry. Luckily the family realised that the situation they proposed wouldn't benefit them after all - for now.
I don't think going nc is the way to go - quite the reverse. You need to sit down with them and listen to what they say, and tell them your concerns. Get together and work out another way, some sort of compromise.

Yanbu at all! I have been in this same position except only finding out after the death. Had I known before what was planned I would have cut contact and saved myself all the upset! Such a nasty thing to do to leave a child and grandchildren out!

If I was you my sole comment to your family would be that I'm not in a position to help financially so it's really not my decision, you have to do what you think is best.

Sounds like your poor mum is being pulled in lots of directions trying to help everyone and is confused and scared to upset anyone and she's offloaded on you. Rather unwisely. I wander if she's hoping you'll make a big scene and sort it out by making a fuss and she still gets to be the peacemaker. My advice to you is to stay very far out of it. You make your decisions and leave them to theirs. You can't control it but you can control yourself and step out of the drama. Think of the nice things you could be doing right now if you weren't wasting your energy on this. You'd certainly be happier. And no more or less in control.

Maybe low contact is the way to go, so you can protect yourself from the hurt and stress.