To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

Also who told you this?

@SonjaMorgan

Your parents were given a £300k house by a friend?

This happens much more often than you may think. Many people with no children/close families leave their property and money to friends.

in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together)

What does this mean?

Talk to them

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering

Who by?

Unless you've been vague not to be outing, this is all very odd.
Your mum and stepdad were "given" a house by a friend?
Your step dad lives there but seemingly has no financial interest in the house and won't inherit anything from your mum. So where will he live if your mum goes first?
Your mum and stepdad don't have what you claim is a "few thousand" but will be able to afford ongoing living costs, ongoing maintenance and any care that they will need as they get older.

none of this makes sense.

To echo another poster, I to am a bit dubious about them being given a house worth £300k, unless they inherited it? Nobody gives houses away as far as I'm aware, unless they are dead. I think you need to question your M about this aspect, because I'm willing to bet it's not their house to leave, so repaying your sister a few thou may be all she is able to do financially. Of course, there might not even be enough money to do that, in which case she is also stitching your sister up.
Before you act, investigate further.

YANBU - that is utterly shit.

Is your DM an idiot who can’t see that she can protect the money your sibling gives her now by stipulating that she gets that amount ringfenced with the remaining value in the house split between you equally? If she just can’t understand that basic concept it might help if someone explains it to her. If she does understand that and just doesn’t care how monstrously unfair she is being, then I totally understand your desire to cut contact because it’s honestly like she doesn’t care about you at all.

What does your sibling say about this? Are they ok with such an unfair situation? If my parents tried to pull something like that in favour of me over my siblings I would talk them out of it.

@Audreyseyebrows

in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together)

What does this mean?

Talk to them

My step dad says he can’t afford to stay in the house as they have no money to do big repairs (it’s starting to fall apart), my sibling has offered the money for the repairs in exchange for the whole house in the will.

I would be upset on the face of things but before going non contact have you spoke to your mum about this and for some more detail? Have they considered if they own the house and one/both go on to need residential care/substantial in home care the LA would expect the house to be sold to fund this voiding the situation anyway? Is your sister going to be expected to provide such care in return for the house? Do they actually own the house ‘just given to them by a friend’ seems an odd situation unless it was an inheritance. If they can’t maintain it now would a better option not be to sell up and downsize? It does seem unfair in the surface but I think discussions need to be had before going completely NC if your relationship with your mum is otherwise good and the relationship between your children and grandparents. The idea of inheritance is all well and good but IMO inheritances are never guaranteed(I have previously worked in elderly and palliative care and seen many estates being used to fund care and in end of life situations money is often the cause of so many family arguments.)

They don't have an inheritance to give.

What they are looking at now is a temporary solution to a financial shortfall that's not going to resolve itself.

They really need to sell the large house, buy something much smaller, and use the money they have freed up for their expenses going forward.

Doing a deal with your sister now might also backfire on your sister. How much money will she actually have to pay for them going forward?

I hope you can convince them that this is a mad idea. They need to remain self-sufficient and use what money/ assets they have. Eventually, both of you might inherit what is left.

YANBU. Your mother is a best an idiot, your sister at worst a selfish bitch. I'm sorry to hear you are in this position.

I would speak to your mother. It's possible she's just being stupid and hasn't thought through the complications, hasn't realised she is effectively cheating you and your children out of your rightful inheritance (rightful in that it should always be split evenly between children).

If she is aware of the damage she is doing and the pain she is causing, then you would be 100% right to go non contact with her, permanently.

OK, your Mum is ‘considering’. Who told you this? Your Mum? It may not have been properly explained, or thought through.

I would talk calmly to your Mum.
Listen carefully.
Understand that her own need is to have a secure home while she is alive. Is the money from your sister for house repairs? Or ongoing living costs?

Tell her how vulnerable you feel and say you would like her grandchildren to be as well looked after as her other grandchildren.

Suggest that she makes a will that recognises the money your sister has contributed and then share the rest.

Your life sounds really tough. I think siblings should always be treated equally. It isn’t your fault that you are not in the position your sister is to be able to lend your Mum the money.

Take a deep breath OP and talk to your Mum (without starting off by accusing her, until all details are discussed) before making any drastic decisions.

**my sibling has offered the money for the repairs in exchange for the whole house in the will.

Is this not a form of financial abuse/a safeguarding issue if your parents are vulnerable?

Your sister will probably lose all her money. If your DM or SD need care, that house will need to be sold and the money will be gone. Or if your mum goes first your SD can do what he likes with the house and make an entirely different will.

Either way, it could be decades before your sister sees anything in return for her thousands. This is weird all round.

And no, I haven’t been that vague, tbh I know I will probably out myself. Apparently this was my siblings idea and it seems my step dad is desperate for the money and doesn’t care about my future (we clash a lot, because I can see through him and what he’s doing to my mother).

So your sibling cooked up the idea? Seems like sibling is the one to cut off right away. S/he tried (and may have succeeded) to steal your inheritance!

How do you think they should pay to get the repairs done?

@saraclara

Your sister will probably lose all her money. If your DM or SD need care, that house will need to be sold and the money will be gone. Or if your mum goes first your SD can do what he likes with the house and make an entirely different will.

Either way, it could be decades before your sister sees anything in return for her thousands. This is weird all round.

And that’s exactly what I told my dm, my sibling isn’t married, this money is coming from their partner so if they split my sibling will not get the house, their partner will.

I’d be so hurt! Even if they said “xxxx is giving us £3000 so we can stay living here so when we die we’ll split it 60/40” That’s fairer than the whole thing!

Best to assume all assets will be sold for their old age care, your sister could easily get shafted here especially with step parents involved if your mother dies first. Sounds a very odd situation

@GabriellaMontez

How do you think they should pay to get the repairs done?

I don’t, I feel they should sell the house and buy a smaller property that they can afford. This house was gifted to them there was no way they would ever be able to afford the upkeep.

How much is a few thousand?

If you dont know, you dont really know of this is fair.

@Itsalwayssunnyupnorth

**my sibling has offered the money for the repairs in exchange for the whole house in the will.

Is this not a form of financial abuse/a safeguarding issue if your parents are vulnerable?

I would say my step dad is losing him marbles my mum is not. I have questioned a few of his choices recently, my mum on the other hand is still quite young and other than being brain washed by him she’s perfectly capable of making decisions.

OK, cross posted.

How old is your Mum? They could live another 30 years and see the house disappear in care fees anyway.

Is your sister providing the current value of the house in contributions?

Talk to your Mum, tell her your DSis is expecting a very high rate in interest, and maybe that her will should leave the percentage of house value that her contribution represents to your sister, and split the rest.

But it is a gamble for your sister because she might never get her money back if the house goes to care fees.

My step dad says he can’t afford to stay in the house as they have no money to do big repairs (it’s starting to fall apart), my sibling has offered the money for the repairs in exchange for the whole house in the will.

And there it is...your sister is the grabby one wanting the house.

Tell your DM to sell the house and buy something cheaper and have money in the bank to live off!