To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

And I have talked to my mum, I feel she agrees with me but is scared of saying so to her dh. She said I had complicated things but not agreeing with the plans but she also said she would feel the same if one of her siblings got her mums house and not her.

They don't want to sell the house because it allows them a mechanism by which they can control you and your brother

I told her I would happily sell my half to my brother.

Why would you get half though?

I have a solution!

You obviously don’t like your step father & it’s clear the two of you don’t get on & since you’re not money motivated I’m sure you don’t want his money right? So why not suggest your step father’s 50% of the house be left to your brother since that’s what he obviously wants but your mother divide her 50% equally between you & your brother so overall you get 25% & your brother 75%? As he’s getting 75% that’s still incentive for him to help with the repairs.

Not inheriting from your step father is fair enough considering your relationship & it’s his choice where his money goes so this way it’s completely fair & everyone gets what they want?

Are you sure they actually own this house?

I think it should have been left equally two of you but it would be better sold now and for them to buy something they can afford the upkeep off.

I don’t think they are obliged to provide for grandchildren as that’s the parents responsibility.

Providing care on the basis of being in e will isn’t something I would want someone doing for me. They either love me enough to do it or are only doing it for gain in which case I’d rather they didn’t,

Why cant they borrow against the house?

They either love me enough to do it or are only doing it for gain in which case I’d rather they didn’t

But it isnt always as simple as that is it? The person providing care, possibly over many years, may well be missing out on life chances eg to own their own home or to save for a pension.

While it may seem very noble to give the care with no thought of reward at some point the carer may well find they have no resources of their own to rely on in their own late middle age or retirement.

So not content with taking your mums first house, your sibling wants to take the next one as well. Vile pig. Tbh if your mum goes along with this plan I don’t know if in your position I could continue a relationship with her however much you love her. Your mum is also truly feckless with money.

Its sounds like your parents are desperate for money at the moment and your sister is taking full advantage of it. Could they not sell and find something smaller and more manageable for them. Very callous of your sister. I'd be more pissed with her than your mother.

Maybe this man will die first....and then your Mum can make her will as she chooses.

Especially if you are looking after her.

She can actually make her will as she chooses now. No one nee see it except her solicitor.

Marlow Wills , run by a MNer, do it all over the phone.

@flaviaritt

Are you sure they actually own this house?

They may have already done equity release?

My mum won’t be able to change the will as there will be a legal agreement with my brother and his partner due to the exchange of money.

The house is in his name, when he does the house will go to my mother, it’s very likely he will die first, he’s older and has health conditions, my mum is healthy, i can’t see him being here in 5 years time, I know anything can happen and my mum could die first but I think chances of this is small. I don’t trust him at all and there’s a chance he could sell the house of leave it to someone else (although I don’t know who). I think the plan has always been for my brother to get the house and for my to get nothing, I don’t get on well with my step dad because I can see through him, there are other family members that see through him too.

It would take a little craft for a legal agreement with your brother to preclude your DM from changing her will. Not difficult or impossible.

That sounds like it has the potential to be legally shaky in many ways.

They could specify it as a loan with a charge on the house and an agreed interest rate, but this would need to be reasonable. All sorts of family arrangements have been undone when the value of a house is needed for care and I would expect a loan of 10k with the repayment being a 300k house would not pass muster

They can't give them the house now without tax implications as your mum and SD would still be living in it

What your Mum is doing is wrong.

But if you have talked it through with her and she wont change her mind, or stand up to her DH, there isn't much more you can do.

Your brother is a weasel and has np business accepting this deal. A contract for the money to b repaid, yes, but not sole inheritance of the house.

And it is hardly surprising that you feel you want to cut contact.

Tell your Mum she has chosen a house over her relationship with her dd. But that might come back to bite her when she has to go into a home rather than enjoy the care of her Dd. And unless he has joint ownership, I doubt the house will be protected from care home fees either, beyond the repayment of the debt. Oh dear, poor brother!

There is so much more to this scenario. If your Mother lost her own house due to paying off your brother's debts then surely he owes her big time! How on earth can he or his partner expect to get the house in return for a small loan. Isn't it time he paid your Mum back and now is his opportunity. If he has to borrow from his partner to do so then the arrangement should be between the two of them.

OP, I was cut out of my grandmother's will by my dad, it was very, very hurtful. So YANBU to be hurt. It was also incredibly frustrating as he had manipulated my nan as he always did in a time where she was vulnerable and dying. Sadly, all you can do is try to talk sense to your mum and keep as emotionally distanced as possible to protect yourself and family. Sounds like your brother and step dad have your mum in their control so you have to decided if you want to help her and try to let go of the hurt to that end or NC as that would be a big ask.

I get why you are upset but if they want to stay in the house then that's what they should do. You can't tell them to sell the house. Their priority should be living how they want to live not downsizing because you want inheritance. I do understand though that the deal isn't fair. Can't they get an equity release? They can then get the money and they could split the remainder in two

WOAH there! Back up a second...

The house is in his name,

So your mother wasn't given a house, her husband inherited it. A man you clearly can't stand. And he wants to come to an equity release agreement with your brother where the brother pays for repairs etc now, and gets the house when he dies?

That's a massive drip feed. That's not "my mum cut me out of her will" in the slightest. If it's HIS house, why on earth should you inherit anything from it? You're not his child, you dislike and distrust him but you expect to benefit financially when he dies... nice.

The back story sounds complicated and the OP is saying she doesn't want to give outing details... so we'll never really know.

@KiposWonderbeasts

WOAH there! Back up a second...

The house is in his name,

So your mother wasn't given a house, her husband inherited it. A man you clearly can't stand. And he wants to come to an equity release agreement with your brother where the brother pays for repairs etc now, and gets the house when he dies?

That's a massive drip feed. That's not "my mum cut me out of her will" in the slightest. If it's HIS house, why on earth should you inherit anything from it? You're not his child, you dislike and distrust him but you expect to benefit financially when he dies... nice.

This! It’s a very different story if the house was left to him in his name and not left to be joint named! If you have a poor relationship with him then it’s entirely his prerogative to pass on how he wishes.

@KiposWonderbeasts

WOAH there! Back up a second...

The house is in his name,

So your mother wasn't given a house, her husband inherited it. A man you clearly can't stand. And he wants to come to an equity release agreement with your brother where the brother pays for repairs etc now, and gets the house when he dies?

That's a massive drip feed. That's not "my mum cut me out of her will" in the slightest. If it's HIS house, why on earth should you inherit anything from it? You're not his child, you dislike and distrust him but you expect to benefit financially when he dies... nice.

The house was gifted to them both but my mum agreed for it to be in his name (I know, im shocked at this too). The house will be hers when he dies so she will be giving the house to my brother not him. Its not a drip feed, obviously its not straight forward. My mum still works and puts money into the house, he does not. They are married so she believes the house is half hers despite her name not being on the deeds.

The house won't automatically be hers when your SD dies. Your mum will need to go through probate first and then arrange for the transfer of the deeds after probate is granted. This is the case when property is involved, I had to do this when my dad died as the house was in his name only and not joint with my mum.

If you are prepared to go no contact then you might as well tell your mum "this arrangement makes me feel cut out and forgotten"

See how she reacts to that.

My SD will states my mum will get the houses.

I have just had a huge argument with her on the phone, told her exactly how I feel, she was shocked and this has upset me even more, she doesn’t see why it’s such a big deal. I reminded her of the reason she lost her house, reminded her of all the times my db has screwed her over, reminded her who was there to ICT up the pieces. She said “we haven’t decided yet what we are going to do but we are considering it”, I told her the fact she is considering it at all is enough. I could hear SD in the background listening and clearing his throat, he didn’t say a word.