To go no contact with my family for not including me in will?

[Lovemusic33]

Will try not to out myself so will change a few bits.

My mum and step dad live in a 4/5 bed house which they were given by a friends several years ago. My mum has 2 dc (me and my older sibling), my step dad has no contact with his dc.

I have 2 disabled dc, my sibling has 2 dc. I am single my sibling is with a partner.

Yesterday I was told that my dm is considering doing a deal with my sibling, in exchange for a few £1000 (which is needed to keep the house up together) from my sibling they will then be left all of the house in the will, leaving me with anything else that is left. My dm has no money to her name, no insurance etc.. so chances are I will be left nothing, my dc will be left nothing, my sibling will get the house which is currently worth around £300,000.

There is a lot of history with step dad and also with my sibling, I thought I was close to my dm and never imagined that my sibling or dm would do this to me and my dc. My youngest dc will need care for the rest of their life due to disability (not life limiting).

I feel so angry and upset to the point I don’t want to be anywhere near my family right now, my life is pretty lonely as it is, I’m a full time carer to my dc and up until now my family have been all I really have in the way of support. My eldest dc was in the room when this bombshell was dropped, they are angry and shocked that they have not been considered or their sibling.

And before anyone says ‘well it’s their house and their decision’, how would you feel if your sibling was being left everything and you nothing? It’s not even about the money, I have never had money so I don’t really care, it’s the fact they think my sibling and their dc’s should have everything and me and my dc nothing.

AIBU to go no contact?

It’s exactly what’s happening in our family at the moment.
Everything is being left to one sibling and it’s up to them to distribute how they see fit. Purely because the other sibling is a car crash of a person. There’s obviously more to this, but I suspect there’s a lot more to your story too.

The house sounds like a money pit and it may end up being sold to pay for care for your stepfather.
I think the situation sounds messy and you may be better off out of it, I would explain that I feel hurt and then I would distance myself

If they do own the house (and it's not that they have a lifetime interest that will revert) then a weapon for you, OP. After they pass, instruct the executor that you will challenge given reasonable provision has not been made for you and your DC given their circumstances. Almost certainly won't succeed unless your DM has given you money or you live in the house but it will delay, concentrate the executor's mind and probably incur costs. Might even persuade your DSis to agree to vary the will. Good luck.

The thing about potential inheritance is it’s sort of a lottery that may or may not come up.

However if a parent was buying a lottery ticket for one child and not the other it would be inequitable.

To then start telling the other child that for whatever valid or invalid reason they don’t get a lottery ticket is cruel.

My dps took the we promise you this lottery ticket approach for many many years and now are taking the we have decided to give the lottery ticket to someone else for [insert random changeable reason] route.

I think they should STFU about it - it is nothing till it is real except a power play which damages relationships.

My dm is about to come into inheritance herself but my step dad has been spending that money in his head for years so why does your dm not just use this money?

Is it worth looking at equity release, that way the house can be repaired, without your sibling loaning them money. The money owed will be deducted after sale and before monies dispersed to the beneficiaries under the terms of the will.

@WhySoSensitive

It’s exactly what’s happening in our family at the moment. Everything is being left to one sibling and it’s up to them to distribute how they see fit. Purely because the other sibling is a car crash of a person. There’s obviously more to this, but I suspect there’s a lot more to your story too.

Sadly there isn't much more too it, I am the sensible sibling, I have never borrowed money, never had anything off my parents, im in no debt (just not well off either). My sibling despite earning a lot of money is constantly in debt and has got a lot of money out my dm in the past. I don't understand what I have done wrong to deserve nothing. My step father has 2 dc, they are not in the will at all because they disowned him several years ago. My step father is not a nice man and I have been warned by someone that has known him most his life to be warry of him.

I have done nothing to deserve this, have always been there for my mum and have never caused any trouble unlike my sibling.

OP, what is your nice mum doing with this dreadful 'nasty piece of work' man?
You've done nothing wrong but a person like him will twist and manipulate everything to his own advantage

If your step father is someone to be wary of and, from that I presume abusive, I wouldn't take vulnerable children to live with him. Who knows what could happen to them when your back is turned, or to you yourself. Even if he doesn't become physically abusive there will be an atmosphere not conducive to a happy childhood. Or are you talking about moving in after he dies?

I think you absolutely are not being unreasonable to be furious about this. I do think, however, that you will massively regret cutting off contact with your mum over with. With your sibling fair enough as they are trying to screw you over 🤷

A close relative of mine had a similar but far more sensible arrangement with their parents. Two adult children. When parents house needed 10K for essential repairs that the retired parents couldn't afford, one child gave the money on the understanding that the will reflected this and that they would receive their 10K. The rest of the legacy would then be divided equally between the siblings.
They didn't ask for interest on the 10K although they could have done so.
Why doesn't your Mother suggest this to your sibling? If it's sibling's partner who is loaning the money, there's no reason why they can't be also named in the will.
It's a risk as there are lots of other scenarios that could happen but there's no investment that would return 300K for 10K!

OP, I feel the underlying problem is that your mother is being controlled by an abusive partner

I think your step dad is playing a calculated game of divide and conquer...

It may have been your siblings idea to loan the money and have it repaid out of the will but your SD idea to give them the whole house precisely because you would then be hurt and withdraw from your Mum!

@Livinginatree

If your step father is someone to be wary of and, from that I presume abusive, I wouldn't take vulnerable children to live with him. Who knows what could happen to them when your back is turned, or to you yourself. Even if he doesn't become physically abusive there will be an atmosphere not conducive to a happy childhood. Or are you talking about moving in after he dies?

I think you absolutely are not being unreasonable to be furious about this. I do think, however, that you will massively regret cutting off contact with your mum over with. With your sibling fair enough as they are trying to screw you over 🤷

I wouldn’t allow my children to live with him, I would move in to care for mum if he died, I would not care for him x

The whole thing could be a ruse by stepfather to get sibling to pay for repairs. The house could be sold further down the line (then what?), or the will changed to leave it to someone else.

If there is no will it will go to the surviving spouse (if they are married).

Your mum is quite weak, isn't she? Controlled by an abusive partner and manipulated by her child. And I get the impression we're talking about your brother here, not a sister. It seems like she's being bamboozled by the men in her life. I think she needs you to be there for her, particularly if it all goes wrong, as it may well do. I think it's completely in order for you to speak your mind on this, both to her and to your sibling, but I don't think I would blame her for being pushed around by people who are apparently very good at pushing people around. You going NC with her would just be another form of pushing her around imo, so I would hesitate to do it in your shoes. I am actually NC with a parent myself, so I do get the issues and wouldn't judge you for it per se. YANBU to be upset though.

@Darker

The whole thing could be a ruse by stepfather to get sibling to pay for repairs. The house could be sold further down the line (then what?), or the will changed to leave it to someone else.

If there is no will it will go to the surviving spouse (if they are married).

Of course it's a ruse he made a 'too good to be true' offer knowing that your dysfunctional sibling will rush in and snatch his hands off without pausing to consider that he will renege on the deal Yournaive trusting and controlled mother just goes along with whatever he wants He's got you all done up like kippers

@ConquestEmpireHungerPlague

Your mum is quite weak, isn't she? Controlled by an abusive partner and manipulated by her child. And I get the impression we're talking about your brother here, not a sister. It seems like she's being bamboozled by the men in her life. I think she needs you to be there for her, particularly if it all goes wrong, as it may well do. I think it's completely in order for you to speak your mind on this, both to her and to your sibling, but I don't think I would blame her for being pushed around by people who are apparently very good at pushing people around. You going NC with her would just be another form of pushing her around imo, so I would hesitate to do it in your shoes. I am actually NC with a parent myself, so I do get the issues and wouldn't judge you for it per se. YANBU to be upset though.

So only weak women / people are controlled and abused by someone It's can be rather more in-depth and complicated than that. Do agree that no contact should be avoided.

So only weak women / people are controlled and abused by someone

I didn't say that and I don't think it @37KAT, so fuck off with your projections. What I do think is that OP's mum seems to agree with whatever was last said to her, irrespective of who said it. imo, it would be as wrong of OP to use that to her advantage as it is when stepdad and sibling do it. So I am suggesting she thinks again about threats of NC and tries to support her mum in the face of the flak she is already getting from other people in her life.

Conquest I think you are right.

My mum was similar - luckily my stepfather was OK in most ways and actually very generous, but when he wanted something my mum just went along with it, feeling miserable. This included selling a family heirloom which caused huge upset. My sibling on the other hand was a bully and she would have let him take over completely if I had not stood by her until she died. I am now NC with my sibling. There were plenty of times through my life when I felt let down by my mum for her inability to THINK and to actually try to do the right thing rather than placating people.

I think the rush to call the SD abusive by the usual suspects is a bit premature.
The house will be passed on to your DM siblings, why should he then fork out for remunerations towards ppl who don't like him.
If you go NC you will never be able to advise your mum of the situation.
I agree if she passes and the house is sold, any debtors (including the one owed to your sibling) should be paid and the balance split evenly.
I think you need to have the conversation with you DM and SD ( and maybe your sibling. Its seems totally reasonable and fair, so I am unsure how anyone could complain.
It does seem there is alot missing from this which would maybe explain the actions taken.

Yanbu. However I don’t think it’s right that your step dad disregards his own children. They are still his children...

You are right, my sibling is my brother (not sister) and you are right that my mother is weak , I have always been the quote one, the one that has never asked for help however desperate I have been. Before my mum married this man she had her own house, she lost that house due to getting in debt to pay off my brother debt. I have seen her lose so much and I have supported her emotionally. I’m done 😢

If a few 1000s are needed to keep the house going wouldn't it be better to sell the house now and downsize? Worth suggesting that to your mum.
Is the history you mention with your sibling and step dad relevant to the decision to leave the house to sibling?
Do you feel that you could have a heart to heart with your mum and explain why this situation hurts you? She genuinely may not be looking outside her own immediate situation of needing the money so might not realise your perspective.
In basic terms, it's your mums decision what she does with her money. No one is entitled to an inheritance. But that said, she should realise the impact of leaving to one child and not the other. If it was me in your position, it would really destroy my relationship with the rest of the family. It's not that I would declare to them that I was going NC but I couldn't imagine enjoying their company without feeling bitter so contact would naturally drift off.

I do think she needs to be forewarned (not suggesting you wouldn’t) that if she takes this path she will lose you completely and for good.

@Nordman

If a few 1000s are needed to keep the house going wouldn't it be better to sell the house now and downsize? Worth suggesting that to your mum. Is the history you mention with your sibling and step dad relevant to the decision to leave the house to sibling? Do you feel that you could have a heart to heart with your mum and explain why this situation hurts you? She genuinely may not be looking outside her own immediate situation of needing the money so might not realise your perspective. In basic terms, it's your mums decision what she does with her money. No one is entitled to an inheritance. But that said, she should realise the impact of leaving to one child and not the other. If it was me in your position, it would really destroy my relationship with the rest of the family. It's not that I would declare to them that I was going NC but I couldn't imagine enjoying their company without feeling bitter so contact would naturally drift off.

I have suggested this to my mum, she was angry with me and said her dh won’t sell the house because they love the house and they want my brother to live in it when they are gone rather than it be sold and halved. My brother is likely to sell it anyway because that’s what he is like. I told her I would happily sell my half to my brother.