To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

When I was struggling to conceive, having IVF etc I never gave a thought to which gender I would prefer. I just wanted a baby.

My DH is fab. And no stereotype.

I still speak to my female friends differently, and about different things.

We all do.

I see what those who have responded to my post are saying. I do.

But there's an element of whataboutery there too.

My post simply said - there ARE differences.

And if a lot of those differences, as we experience them, are 'because patriarchy' 'because socialising' - that doesn't change them on the individual level really, in terms of one woman's experience of wanting another adult woman in her own unique nuclear family, and the validity of wanting that.

@tempnamechange98765

Thornamongstroses that's so lovely and to be honest this is how I feel. I had a sister and we were close growing up, although we are very different. I also personally feel that siblings of the same sex tend to be closer, and it sounds so silly (but gender stereotypes are!) but it seems "neater", like they are a little set.

This is true for us at least. I’m much closer to my sisters than I am to my brother. I’m probably closer to his wife than I am to him in a way.

My daughters are close and I hope that will continue as they reach adulthood. My mum wasn't close to her brother, but he was much older. My dad isn’t very close to his brothers, though the two younger brothers were closer to each other when they were young.

There’s no guarantees ether way, but I think there’s more chance of a close sibling relationship with the same sex siblings.

But at the end of the day when I had babies I had them because I wanted them, not to keep each other company. I would have still felt I was missing out if I didn’t have a girl. Even if my two boys were very close. Of course it would have been lovely, and I’d have been happy they had a close bond. But I would still feel I was missing out on the mother and daughter relationship that I have with my dds. As previously mentioned, now my dds are teens I do feel that I would have quite liked the experience of having a teenage son. But there’s no way in going to have another baby now to experience that!

Basically, the desire to experience certain things and the disappointment you may feel if you don’t get that takes nothing away from the bond you have with and the love you have for the children that you actually have. But people are allowed to have feelings.

I didn't mind which sex they were, but wanted 2 of the same if it worked out that way because I liked the idea of them potentially having similar interests/ clubs/ handing down school uniform and favourite clothing items etc. It was mostly that they might have things in common, but it was just a vague wishlist thing.

And it did work out that way and they have a crossover of interests (homework avoidance, tidying room avoidance but also films and TV programs, Games, art projects etc). So if you do have 2 the same there can be positives from that, even if your heart drops for a moment.

No-one knows what gender their child will be. You can only find out their sex.

I had this dilemma. I didn't find out. I then had slight delivery room disappointment but then the baby had to go to NICU and after that I really didn't care what gender it was as long as he was ok. And my second boy is brilliant and I'm so happy that it was him that I got but realise that's not helpful to you right now.

I think if I'd been as bothered as you are, I would find out, to give you time to get used to it. I'd be worried that you might get a difficult baby and then it's more likely you wouldn;t bond. Easier to bond with a baby who is still part of you I think, whatever the gender?

Only you can know which way of finding out will be best for you. I have a friend who desperately wanted a daughter; when she found out she was pregnant with her third child after two sons she decided to find out the sex as early as possible so that she had plenty of time to deal with any emotions that threw up for her- as it turned out, baby was a girl, but she said if it was a boy she wanted to have processed any disappointment she felt long before she gave birth. I genuinely did not care about the sex each time I was pregnant- I would have liked at least one of each, but not to the extent that I was disappointed that my third was another boy. If it had been a big deal for me I would have preferred not to find out until birth, trusting that the overwhelming rush of emotion I have felt each time I gave birth would put caring about the sex into perspective- no way would I have looked at my beautiful baby and thought "oh no you're not a girl". It's very personal, I would do what you think is best for you.

@BubblyBarbara

she may do neither - she's more likely to, but not guaranteed. So you're projecting a whole life course or personality onto her before she's born, and that isn't a good or healthy dynamic.

Isn't that projection what being an optimistic parent is all about? A child may get run over and killed aged 5 but that doesn't mean we don't think about their future, them going to university, them having children, and so forth.

If we all only live in the moment and don't look forward to the future, that would be an odd thing to me.

I don't really know how to respond to that, as I think it's so off the wall to compare hoping that your child doesn't die aged 5 to hoping that they like ballet. Of course I hope my children have futures (!) but I don't think that's the same as hoping for such specific things. DH and I are both very academic so I think it will be a surprise if neither of ours go to university in some ways, but I also think that it's our job to manage any feelings over that and that we should just want them to be happy and find the right path for them. To be honest, I think it would be terrible parenting and just outright bizarre to have children 'so that we can go to their graduation one day', which is maybe why I can't grasp feeling that a good reason to have a child is that you may - may! - get to take them to ballet or talk to them about pregnancy.

I’ve got a boy and would love a girl. (He is the most amazing toddler ever btw.) but if I am lucky enough to get pregnant with a healthy baby and it’s a boy I will just tell my self how lovely it is that my son has a brother and they will be bffs and hope that cheers me up xx

I guess I just fundamentally think that one of the great joys of parenthood is finding out who your child is - mine is still very young, but it's been amazing seeing his (now very clear!) personality, which is nothing like either DH or I were at the same age so nothing like we might have predicted - and starting off with a fixed list of characteristics or experiences with them that you want to tick off just seems so wrongheaded to me.

this is how you feel, it is quite common. People will comment if it is another boy, but you will love the baby when they arrive, or a bit after (it is also common for the overwhelming love to be delayed too)

It really does not help that here it is often seen as good when you have one of each and lots of people comment on it. It also does not help when horrified posters come and tell you how awful it is to feel the way you do... even though it is a common experience. The only awful thing would be to treat the child differently once they had arrived.

I do understand, OP. I have 3 boys. I really didn't mind for the first at all, because I knew I'd have more than one. I had 3 nieces already so I 'programmed' to expect a girl. I was slightly disappointed that DS2 was a boy, but fell in love with him instantly. I really still wanted a girl so tried a few old wives tales and dodgy science about when in my cycle to conceive to try to make number 3 more likely to be a girl. I hadn't found out the sex before birth for the first 2 but did for my third, because I wanted to have time during the pregnancy get over my disappointment so that the birth itself wasn't tinged with a bit of sadness.

I do love having my 3 boys, but I can't deny that even now when they are all young adults I would have loved a daughter. But I couldn't give any of my boys up for one!

OP you sound really good at understanding and interrogating your emotions. You can’t help the way you feel, but you can control they way you deal with those feelings and that is exactly what you are looking to do.

Only you can really judge if it is better to find out during the pregnancy or at the birth - there are pros and cons either way.

But just in terms of my experience - for various reasons (not so much gender related) I didn’t really bond closely with my 2nd DS for a few weeks after he was born - he just wasn’t the baby I was expecting (health problems and he just didn’t look like I expected my baby to look). Of course I love him absolutely fiercely now for who he is, and those initial challenges have no bearing on my feelings for him now. So don’t worry yourself about the possibility of initial disappointment whenever it comes. You know you will ultimately love your baby whoever he or she is.

Finally - I have two DSes and they are such wildly different unique personalities, with different interests, the fact they are both boys is in the grand scheme of things pretty incidental.

@Ohtherewearethen this basically.

It’s always a 50/50 chance after all

Just one day, it would be heartening to see a gender disappointment thread that wasn't about a boy.

It's making me more sympathetic to the 'persecuted and unappreciated men' narrative of Reddit and the right wing than I would ever have wanted or expected...

Never gonna happen, Rubicon. It is a bit shit isn't it

Totally get you OP - you would be mourning what you don’t have, whilst still adoring what you do have. I would personally find out. I have 2 DS and pregnant with a surprise 3rd. I am finding out as soon as possible as I need time to adjust if it’s another DS. People’s comments are the worst and I want replies prepared to combat them. I will be so devastated not to have a girl but I know I’ll love another DS more than anything once he’s here. I didn’t find out with DS2 and I was so thrilled about how my birth (Vbac) had gone I didn’t even check for ages! And it didn’t matter at the time as I was v happy with same sex siblings. But I had a lot of negative comments which filed my head and now I need to know this time.
Some people won’t understand and that’s fine - you can’t understand every emotion or feeling from someone else’s perspective. Just ignore them and allow yourself to feel and process.

@GarlicMonkey TBH, I was mortified when I found out my last was another boy

Why on a earth would you be ashamed or embarrassed about having boy?! What a dreadful thing to think. I can understand being disappointed if you’ve built up an idea in your head of of a girl, but to be ashamed of a boy is crazy.

@OverTheRubicon

Just one day, it would be heartening to see a gender disappointment thread that wasn't about a boy.

It's making me more sympathetic to the 'persecuted and unappreciated men' narrative of Reddit and the right wing than I would ever have wanted or expected...

If dadsnet was as big as mumsnet... then I am sure there’d be loads

find out the gender now, so that you can get used to the idea, and shut up all the 'girl wanters'. It would irritate me. I really wanted a girl as number 2 but DS2 (last baby) is the most loving child imaginable.

I think you should try counselling - elsewhere to last time if last time it wasn’t very helpful.

It’s sex disappointment by the way, not gender. Your baby doesn’t have a gender: the words don’t mean the same thing.

Please, please do confront this - it would be awful for your beautiful baby to be born knowing you always wanted him to be a girl; you may resent him and he absolutely will pick up on that. It could destroy his whole life and that’s not fair on him.

Sex scans can be wrong too - I know if two couples who were told they were wrongly having a girl/boy only to find out later - and in one case the delivery room! - that it was the opposite sex.

You need therapy to find out why you’re so bothered about this - then you must try and overcome it for the sake of your child and your mental health.

If dadsnet was as big as mumsnet... then I am sure there’d be loads

Only have to Google and look at Reddit to see fathers feel the same way about girls.

I think it's okay to be disappointed for maybe an hour or two. I don't think it's a good idea to dwell on it though.

When I was pregnant with DC1, I wanted to genuinely not mind, but I couldn't help hoping for a girl and was disappointed after finding out he was a boy at a scan. Luckily, I got over it after 24h. After he was born, it didn't affect with bonding at all. I couldn't imagine him any other way and felt a bit silly for having been disappointed (not that I could help it at the time).

When I got pregnant with DC2, I genuinely didn't mind. I still thought it would be lovely to have a daughter, but I also thought it would be great for DS to have a brother. Rightly or wrongly, I do get the impression that same-sex siblings are usually closer than opposite sex siblings. So I figured if we ended up with a second boy there might be a stronger chance that they'd be close. Also, from a boring practical POV we could reuse more clothes (I try to buy as much gender neutral stuff as I can, but it gets harder the older they get!)

As it is, DC2 is a girl, and I'm delighted, but when I found out, a part of me was a bit sad about the boy that could have been. I can imagine that I might have felt similar if it had been a boy; happy for DS to have a brother but also sad for the girl that could have been.

As a feminist, I think we have an important role as mothers of boys - it's so important to teach boys about feminism, respecting girls and women, not having to conform to gender roles, etc.

Everyone has pointed out that you might have a "girly" boy or a "tomboy" girl and that if you have a girl she might not like "girly" things. I'm sure you know that but somehow it doesn't change the preference you have. I didn't hope for a girl so I could go shopping with her (I hate shopping) or do nails together (I'm not interested) or whatever, it was deeper than that.

*some fathers