To not want to find out it’s another boy (gender disappointment)

[Surroundedbyboys123]

NC as outing. I feel awful just typing this so please be kind. Im currently pregnant with number 2, due to health concerns this will be our last baby.

First time TTC I didn’t have a preference. Once I was pregnant I really wanted a DD. I blame hormones and severe illness. I found out at 16 weeks we were having a boy and got over it on basis we’d have another.

TTC this baby I already knew I’d slightly prefer a girl. But only slight and any healthy child would be a blessing. Enter the hormones/illness and now I’m desperate for a girl again. The thought of another boy makes me really sad and deflated. Objectively I know how unreasonable this is, I just can’t switch it off.

I think its being amplified by;
X lots of baby girls around us.
X lots of family comments about ‘hopefully being a girl’.
X DH admitting he prefers a girl this time.
X Knowing this will be my last baby.

DH wants to find out the gender at 16 weeks. I’m really hesitant. I feel finding out it’s a boy will be a huge blow and I feel so guilty. DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

I did seek help regarding gender disappointment whilst pregnant with DS but didn’t find it at all helpful. Just lots of ‘not all girls are stereotypical’ stuff which is totally utterly useless and makes me feel no better. I adore DS but I knew I’d have another, this time feels so final. I just don’t know what to do.

*please don’t tell me how your DD is a tomboy it really really won’t help me.

YoniandGuy: the thing is that the stereotyping that ultimately results in MN and Pistonheads being two very different places begins with these rigid ideas about boys and girls and their roles (and it's less about pink frills to me than about the whole 'a daughter's a daughter for all of your life' stuff). Biology would matter less (not not at all, but less) if the female experience hadn't historically and currently been made so much more difficult due to a misogyny one of whose roots is ultimately that stereotyping, that idea that (putting it in exaggeratedly blunt terms) a girl is preferable as she will have the duty to stick around for the mum while the boy will go off and do his own thing - and also because we can 'make' her in the image of our experience.

Plus there is a bit of a difference between enjoying/preferring the company of other women and having a child entrusted to you to love and affirm as he or she is.

I think having preferences is perfectly reasonable.
We all have preferences, opinions etc. Acknowledging that you have preferences is part way to accepting that you can be happy with something else.
Even while we acknowledge that we're lucky to have whatever, we can still be disappointed.

From some of the reactions you would think that the OP had suggested leaving the baby outside on the hillside to die of exposure, if it is a boy.
No, she's admitting she has a preference and knowing that she wants to do the best for the baby, whichever it is, and how she can handle it if she's disappointed.

For some reason I was really bothered with dc#2. I really wanted a girl. For dd1 and ds (#1 and #3 respectively) I didn't mind either way.

For what it's worth, I've known a number of parents who have had a preference (both ways).
Some say they're really glad they found out at the scan because they had a few days of feeling sad, but were then able to prepare for the baby, and were totally content with the idea when the baby came.
The others say they're glad they didn't know because when faced with the baby that came first-often they had a few days of sadness, a few weeks in, but they felt it was less intense than it would have been before the baby was born.

All the parents that acknowledged they had a preference dealt with it and loved the baby to bits and have had a fantastic relationship with them.
The one I know who's struggled, clearly had a preference but didn't feel they could acknowledge it. "I really don't care as long as it's healthy, but I'm not sure how well I'll handle teenage girls/girls can be so bitchy/I've always got on better with boys.... but I really don't mind."
Child (in late teens) still struggles and has a pretty poor relationship with her family. She's more than aware her mum was disappointed, but her mum would deny it every step of the way.

You can be disappointed, but hide it.
Dh is oldest of a family of boys. He (and his brothers) always say how pleased his dm was to have boys because she said how much she loved being with boys/found them easy etc. Really didn't want girls. Ever.
I asked her once just after dd was born. She told me (and I've never told dh this) that she was desperate for a girl after dh was born. Really really wanted a girl. She never let them know, and they never felt they were a disappointment.

@interest12

You say "please be kind" because you know it's a disgusting attitude. You're clearly having another child for the ring reasons. Go over to the infertility boards to get some perspective

It’s not disgusting. It’s a perfectly valid feeling.

@Surroundedbyboys123 - only you can say whether you think your mental state immediately after giving birth will be better at coping with a boy than at 16 weeks pregnant. It’s not something you can avoid facing forever - so, when will you be most ready to be disappointed?

@Handsoffisback

Well said interest12 . The sort of people that worry about something as trivial as the sex of a baby make me question how good they are as parents tbh. If it only comes down to their gender and whether they can dress them in pink and make them their ‘little princess’ it’s just very sad imo.

Lol. I was gutted with my second boy and had a secret cry.

I did actually go on to have 2 girls as well.

Don’t worry about us as parents though, I’m approved to foster.

I think it’s better to find out before the birth. I have 3 boys and did feel sad about DS not being a girl. I adore them all now and have no regrets. There are lots of positives about having them the same. The mother/son bond can be a really special one too.

Sending you a hug from the other side

I was in your position and I completely understand your feelings. For what it’s worth, I’d recommend you find out early. I also think it’s good to acknowledge those feelings to yourself.

I would have quite liked a girl first time round but had a boy. Second time round, I was desperate for a girl as I knew it would be our last baby. DC2 was a boy.

What helped for me was finding out in advance - at 20 weeks first time round, but at 11 weeks second time round as we did the Harmony test for other reasons. I felt the need to - well, grieve is too strong a word but you can feel more than one feeling at a time and while there are lots of advantages to same sex siblings, I am sorry I’ll never have a daughter. I’m glad I was able to process those feelings before he arrived - I wouldn’t have wanted to do that in the delivery room and in those early weeks.

It also helped me to focus on personality. I took the approach that for whatever reason, the daughter I’d envisaged just wasn’t the right person to be joining our family at that time, whereas this baby must be the right person to fill that gap at our table. This has turned out to be so true - he’s a wonderful little personality and has completed our family. The fact that he’s a boy is in no way the most significant thing about him.

Finally, speaking as someone with both a sister and a brother, I think you do have different relationships with same sex siblings. I’m glad in some ways that DC1 gets to have a brother and it has certainly made things easier in terms of reusing clothes and so on.

I was very lucky to get my girl first time.

When I was pregnant with my second I secretly hoped for another girl. I didn’t want a boy because honestly I didn’t know how to be a mum to a boy. Stupid as it sounds

When I found out ds was a boy, I was gutted. However when he was born I bonded so much better to him than I did dd

I would find out. That way you have time to prepare yourself and even seek a bit of therapy if you need to.

DH’s opinion is ‘better you be disappointed now than in the delivery room’ which isn’t helpful!

You won’t be disappointed in the delivery room because you’ll be looking at your baby’s beautiful face for the first time. That completely dispels disappointment. I know, I’ve been there.

Fascinating. There was a thread last week from a woman who’s husband was desperate for a boy. He was utterly castigated for it - called every name under the sun, and more.

Yet when a woman is desperate for a daughter . . .

This is what makes me sad for my sons - the negativity they face just for being boys. It’s endless and tedious.

ay 16 weeks you might have a brief little sigh, but then you'll have the rest of the pregnancy to get used to the idea and get over yourself. Then by the time he arrives you'll just naturally fall in love and be utterly thrilled to have two boys.

I think you can grieve for a girl you aren't going to have at the same time as loving a boy you are having. The grief for the girl doesn't take away from the love for a boy, it sits alongside.

If I were you I would find out so that you can start to get your head around this in advance.

@Surroundedbyboys123 I haven’t read the full thread but I do know exactly how you feel. I have three boys and I’m pregnant with a 4th (don’t know the gender yet but I’m expecting it to be another boy!)

It was with boy no.3 that I felt real gender disappointment after my scan, I was so upset. This was a few years ago and I posted on here at the time but got unanimously told that I was ungrateful and an awful person!

I will find out at the scan with no.4 because I actually found it really helpful to have the time to process the feelings so I could get my head around it, choose names and start getting excited about boy no.3 before he was born. And it worked, i had the most amazing first few weeks with him, I was just ridiculously happy and still am.

It doesn’t stop me wanting a girl this time around though and I know I’ll be disappointed again but I went into this on the basis that I wanted a fourth child more than a girl.

I’m not interested in pink dresses and all that stuff, it’s the mother daughter bond that I think might be different (not better but different) to the mother son bond and I’d like to experience that.

OP, you feel how you feel. Ignore the ghouls on here.
But, do you think your feelings might be a form of prenatal depression and anxiety? I remember obsessing about DC1's name after birth, was it the right name, were there better names out there etc. Turns out I had PND, ALL I could think about was the sodding name that we had chosen and both liked. I think as your feelings have turned so extreme with the hormones, it's worth thinking about.

Your feelings are valid, but you know you won't feel like this forever. If it is a boy, you'll grieve the daughter you won't have for a while, then find joy in watching your two boys become best friends, cuddle each other and play. There's much happiness ahead of you, let yourself feel sad for now, it won't last forever.

As for the 'I had it worse' crowd, the thread clearly indicates what the post is about. If you don't want to read it , don't, but stop invalidating other people's feelings because you had it worse. My dad's got terminal cancer, I don't lurk around AIBu having a go at everyone who is angry with their dad because mine is unwell, saying 'you are only allowed to be upset if your dad is dying of cancer.' I don't know what this behaviour is, but it's awful. Everyone has problems, there's always someone worse off. It's sad that some people can't have children but that doesn't mean every pregnant person needs to swallow their every negative feeling.

I definitely wanted boys. When my eldest was revealed to be a girl I was disappointed but soon I started imagining her and feeling thrilled. When she was born she was the apple of my eye and the delight of my heart! Such a beautiful baby girl.

My second was a DS - we had a scan because I wanted a boy very much - don't know why really, perhaps because when I was little my only brother (who I was very much looking forward to!) was stillborn at 38 weeks and I feel his loss still.

Of course I was over the moon that he was a boy but had he been a girl I would have had time to come to terms with it - mourn not having a son - and get ready to welcome my little baby girl.

Ask yourselves why you are here on Mumsnet. Does it have anything to do with the fact that this site is (as is so often celebrated) one of the only places where the female voice dominates, where WOMEN congregate for discussion and support? Is any of it because you appreciate and see the difference that makes to us all even more in these times where discussing and acknowledging the reality of biology is fast becoming bloody illegal in some quarters? Or does it make absolutely no difference to you - in which case, try a little experiment for me and next time, click on Pistonheads and start a discussion there. It'll be just the same, won't it? I mean, what difference does what we have between our legs make to personality, interests, common ground in life? I mean, do tell me that when all you adult human females go out/talk to friends etc, it's pretty much chance whether those people are male or female as there's just noooooo difference in the two?

But there's a massive difference between talking about men and women and generalised differences between them (which are clearly hugely socialised) and one individual, which is what a baby is. If I went to an event for football fans I'd expect it to be male-dominated. If I therefore tried to make DH talk to me about sport, or tell my mum that she mustn't talk about her team, they'd both think I'd gone bonkers. I have a different relationship with my female friends to my male, but that isn't a relationship that I just expect or find with any random woman. Are the relationships of mothers and daughters and mothers and sons different in some ways, on average? Almost certainly yes. Is it therefore reasonable to expect that relationship from your one individual child? I don't think it is, I think it ignores their individuality and autonomy.

These things are massively exacerbated by pregnancy hormones. If your baby is a boy then let yourself feel all the feelings you need to without any judgment on yourself. It does not make you a bad person and no need to feel guilty. Let those feelings come and honor them and give them the space they need. But know that you they won’t always feel this intense and it will fade to a quiet little pang that you’ll only feel occasionally.. possibly not even that. You will come to love your baby so fiercely and not want to change them for the world. But you can’t force those feelings. They will come in time.

People who say it doesn't matter really are talking out their bums on this site a lot of the time.

Yes. You can love a DD or DS just as much as the other and you can do a lot of the same things together, but there ARE differences. Will you ever get to bond with a DS over what it's like to be pregnant and give birth, etc? No. Is it likely you'd be taking your DS to ballet lessons every week like you did as a girl? It happens but it's excruciatingly low chance compared to a DD.

There are lots of differences both for mostly societal/cultural and occasionally biological reasons as to why you might be sad at not having the opportunity to EVER bond with a same sex DC.

Will you ever get to bond with a DS over what it's like to be pregnant and give birth, etc? No. Is it likely you'd be taking your DS to ballet lessons every week like you did as a girl? It happens but it's excruciatingly low chance compared to a DD.

But again you're raising a child, not an average. Thinking that if you have a daughter you'll get to bond with her over pregnancy or take her to ballet seems like a terrible strategy because she may do neither - she's more likely to, but not guaranteed. So you're projecting a whole life course or personality onto her before she's born, and that isn't a good or healthy dynamic.

@CatteStreet

YoniandGuy: the thing is that the stereotyping that ultimately results in MN and Pistonheads being two very different places begins with these rigid ideas about boys and girls and their roles (and it's less about pink frills to me than about the whole 'a daughter's a daughter for all of your life' stuff). Biology would matter less (not not at all, but less) if the female experience hadn't historically and currently been made so much more difficult due to a misogyny one of whose roots is ultimately that stereotyping, that idea that (putting it in exaggeratedly blunt terms) a girl is preferable as she will have the duty to stick around for the mum while the boy will go off and do his own thing - and also because we can 'make' her in the image of our experience.

Plus there is a bit of a difference between enjoying/preferring the company of other women and having a child entrusted to you to love and affirm as he or she is.

agree.

and funnily enough, I would have the same conversations with my brothers, male friends and my dh, because those men are decent men who don't fall into the pistonheads stereotype.

The reason I like mn is because so many of the men out there were not brought up to treat women as equals, to be able to talk about their feelings, to communicate well. I have no desire to spend time with these men.
That is patently clear when you read post after post pn here about men who can't even manage to stick a load of wahsing in or do the washing up.

We need mn because the world hasn't changed yet. But unless we bring our kids up to be people first and gender second, that will continue

she may do neither - she's more likely to, but not guaranteed. So you're projecting a whole life course or personality onto her before she's born, and that isn't a good or healthy dynamic.

Isn't that projection what being an optimistic parent is all about? A child may get run over and killed aged 5 but that doesn't mean we don't think about their future, them going to university, them having children, and so forth.

If we all only live in the moment and don't look forward to the future, that would be an odd thing to me.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you're struggling with these feelings I think this is primary a mental health issue and I urge you to get some MH support (talk to your midwife and maybe self refer for CBT? You can in many areas). Even if you didn't find it helpful first time, you might find a different therapist or type of therapy more helpful this time.

"Weirdly I think my ideal situation is to get a gender scan on my own. I don’t even want DH there. I’d love to find out and process without the pressure of anyone else’s feelings, opinions or condolences. DH would feel awfully rejected/left out though so I don’t think that’s possible."

"I’m gonna ask DH if we can get the gender scan and not tell parents/family/friends. I know a family member who did this and only admitted after the birth they’d known all along. I don’t think DH will go for it though which puts me in a crap position."

Please do talk to your DH. It's his baby too, of course, but you're the one going through pregnancy (and will go through childbirth), you're the one dealing with physical, hormonal and emotional changes. He needs to listen to you and respect your needs; if that means compromising on finding out the sex but keeping it to yourselves, that's a perfectly reasonable request.

Thornamongstroses that's so lovely and to be honest this is how I feel. I had a sister and we were close growing up, although we are very different. I also personally feel that siblings of the same sex tend to be closer, and it sounds so silly (but gender stereotypes are!) but it seems "neater", like they are a little set.

We wanted one girl only so I drank plenty of pure orange and DH had lots of hot baths (yes, we were sceptical, but it worked!) That's just for future TTCs.

You will not be disappointed in the darling boy!