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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pull my lodger up about commenting on my food?

418 replies

Housewoes23 · 23/11/2020 00:04

I've recently moved into a house and I took on a lodger about 3 weeks later.
I knew him before we made this arrangement, acquaintance rather than friend but we get along okay.

Over the last 10 or so days, he has said(amongst others probably, I haven't documented but as far as I remember)

'Ugh making that disgusting smelly stuff again'

'I emptied the bin and it was fully of your smelly food!'

(When I was making hummus) 'Ugh!I hope the top doesn't come off that blender can you imagine that disgusting stuff going all over the kitchen!'

When I hadn't yet washed up (I'd only just finished making my dinner) and he came in the kitchen 'Eewww!! Disgusting saucy stuff all in the washing up bowl!' (I wasn't going to leave it, I just literally hadn't finished clearing up yet, it was seconds after I'd cooked).

Also, he has his own fridge but shares a freezer with me. He won't go in it because 'my disgusting food' is in there.

I got him his own fridge because he wouldnt share one with me-there was plenty of room for two people's foodstuffs in there, but he 'didn't want to touch my disgusting sauces and horrible food' (I'm paraphrasing but something like that).

For context,we're both single people aged 38 and 52.

I LOVE cooking. I love greek food and often make dips and crudites and use garlic and herbs and sauces.

He is a very plain eater (chicken and chips, ready made pies you'd shove in an oven, bread and cheese).

I haven't ever commented on his choice of eating habits, wouldn't even cross my mind.

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

AIBU?
And also, would this irritate you?

Another context point is, I have a bit of an ED. 95% corrected now, but I've never particularly liked eating in front of people, although I was/am almost over it-this isn't helping so I wonder if I am being over-sensitive.

TIA :)

OP posts:
TatianaBis · 23/11/2020 08:48

@TatianaBis

Never have anyone as a lodger that you can’t stand up to. Apologising to someone for their own food phobia and buying them a fridge is crackers.

I’d be saying: I enjoy cooking and flavoursome food. If your food issues mean this is a problem for you may be better off elsewhere.

Actually to be fair I don’t even have the patience for that. I’d just have asked him to move out.
JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/11/2020 08:49

ED or no ED this is really rude and immature.

Agree with others, tell him this is not working out and give him notice to leave.

Brefugee · 23/11/2020 08:50

He sounds like a dick. I was expecting kimchi and durian fruit all over the place.

Find a better lodger. (I mean - he shouldn't feel uncomfortable either, right? Grin)

ApolloandDaphne · 23/11/2020 08:52

I would be inclined to sit down with him and tell him explicitly that he must not keep commenting on your food. It is your house and you can cook what you please. Tell him that you would never comment on his food choices. Tell him that this is a big issue for you and if he continues to do it he will be asked to leave. Then leave it up to him and see what happens.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 23/11/2020 08:56

I think he is being rude, I tell my young children off for saying someone elses food is yukky. But it sounds as though it is the result of some severe issues around food, it does sound like he has some sort of phobia of food that isnt plain (if he cant eat a burger if it's been on the same plate as some coleslaw and he can't use the same fridge as yours incase it touches your food) so because of this I would try and cut him some slack - I dont mean in accepting the rudeness because he should be able to control what comes out of his mouth, but in accepting some of his behaviour (if it is a phobia he may have felt genuinely unable to wash up next to your dirty plate) and not chucking him out over it if he is otherwise a good lodger

TerrifiedandWorried · 23/11/2020 08:59

To be honest, I expect men to do the same. She doesn't have to sort it out, but it is ok to open a dialogue about a problem.

Brefugee · 23/11/2020 08:59

But i do think that he obviously has some kind issue around food and we should try to be kind. He did apologise so he knows it's wrong.

Depends on how you feel about it, OP, but maybe you two need to thrash out some ground rules, what you are and aren't prepared to put up with from him as a lodger, and go on from there.

I do wonder if the comments would be different if he had been a woman.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/11/2020 09:02

I wouldn't tolerate anyone talking to me like that, at all. I'd give him his notice, and if he asks for a reason, say that your use of the kitchen is imcompatible, and you'd like to be able to use your own kitchen to cook and eat the food you like, without censure.

TatianaBis · 23/11/2020 09:05

But i do think that he obviously has some kind issue around food and we should try to be kind. He did apologise so he knows it's wrong.

But then OP has issues around food and he’s not trying to be kind to her!

That’s such a female approach. Can you see a male homeowner accommodating a female lodger with food phobia. He’d just show her the door and get someone easier.

Branleuse · 23/11/2020 09:05

id give him a warning and tell him its a warning. That you expect no comments on your food. That its your house and the food you are eating is normal food for grown ups and the commenting and rudeness about your food is actually rude and you wont put up with being made to feel self conscious in your own home. If he honestly finds the way you eat disgusting and revolting and cant keep his feelings to himself then he is going to have to start looking for somewhere else to live.

Im also assuming he possibly has some sensory issues, but youre not his mum and you dont have to put up with it

CottonSock · 23/11/2020 09:06

I had a lodger like this. It didn't get better. She did have an ED..some of the rules she tried to impose were no eating in lounge etc.

CovidAnni · 23/11/2020 09:08

@TerrifiedandWorried

I'm going to go against the grain here. He sounds like my DS who really struggles with food. If asked to move a plate with ketchup, mayo etc on it he would beginning breathing rapidly and trembling, may even cry while he did it. He would do it because he is still young enough at 10 for me to push him gently out of his comfort zone. I can easily imagine him being 52 and freaking out in the same way your lodger does if he had been living like that for decades. He has an incredibly good sense of smell and taste and is very sensitive to textures of food. He hates being like this, it's awful to be so stressed by something you have to do to stay alive. He wishes he had a more varied diet and it makes him really sad when he wants to try stuff and be excited about food and new flavours like his siblings.

I would sit down and talk about it with him. Say "I can see you have a real problem with this. Have you tried anything to help it? We need to find a way to move forward if you are going to continue to live here as it is upsetting both of us" And go from there.

It's not weak to react to situations with sympathy and understanding. It's a really good starting place from which to sort things out.

No no no! As pp have said, older man as lodger when the @Housewoes23 is not good at asserting herself- the last thing she should do is position herself as his support human. @Housewoes23 Flowers KICK HIM OUT
Newuser991 · 23/11/2020 09:10

Anyone over the age of about 10 knows it is bad manners to call someone else's food disgusting.

I wonder if it is your ED that has made you perhaps minimise this and accommodate him.

If you already have issues with food then you are perhaps more vulnerable than the next person and more likely to hide your food away because of him

TerrifiedandWorried · 23/11/2020 09:10

She can be kind. It is allowed.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/11/2020 09:12

@TerrifiedandWorried

She can be kind. It is allowed.
But she doesn't have to be

She has already shown/said that her boundaries are weak. What she needs is support, to know that she can choose to put herself first!

That is her choice!

She won't be mean, nasty, unpleasasnt, to blame, etc if she chooses to put herself first!

PoorMansPaulaRadcliffe · 23/11/2020 09:16

But he isn't trembling and hyperventilating at the sight of mayonnaise; he's loudly and obnoxiously commenting on her food. That's a choice. Maybe he could 'be kind'.

Giganticshark · 23/11/2020 09:17

MAKE MORE DIPS MUAHAHAHA

Newuser991 · 23/11/2020 09:19

He is allowed to be kind to a woman whom he is paying below market rent to and who has accommodated him by buying a new fridge and not eating anywhere near him.

ArcheryAnnie · 23/11/2020 09:20

@TerrifiedandWorried

She can be kind. It is allowed.
She has been incredibly kind and accommodating. She bought him a fridge, ffs! It hasn't helped at all - if anything, it's just encouraged her lodger in being really, really rude, demanding and controlling to her.

Time for her to be a bit kinder to herself.

trickyex · 23/11/2020 09:22

Tell him to leave. Awful behaviour, he sounds really grim.

Bluesheep8 · 23/11/2020 09:22

You might not be the only one with an ED though.

So what? Does that excuse downright rudeness?

IntermittentParps · 23/11/2020 09:24

He's a rude twat.
Either bump up his rent so it's a bit more worth your while, or bin him. There are lodgers out there who wouldn't behave like this.

Welcome to shared living where you have to put up with people's crap and Stupid comments
It isn't shared living. It's the OP's house and it's a different dynamic from a houseshare. I mean, I wouldn't expect or appreciate rudeness like that in a houseshare either, but in a lodger situation he has much less of a leg to stand on.

Ferrari458 · 23/11/2020 09:25

You are going to end up miserable in your own home. It should be your sanctuary, a place where you can relax. You shouldn't be creeping around dictated to by your lodger. This will only get worse. Just tell him - this isn't working, I think you need to find somewhere else. Then if any protests - I appreciate that's how you feel, however it's my home and it isn't working for me so you need to find somewhere else.

MilerVino · 23/11/2020 09:25

Anyway tonight I told him it was making me feel self concious and I would make sure I didn't eat near him, but there is one small kitchen so I can't avoid cooking in it. I'll make sure all is cleaned up when I've used it and won't ever leave anything to be washed up, but I didn't see the need to constantly jibe at what I eat.

I didn't vote because whilst YANBU to be extremely annoyed by him YABU to bend over backwards like this. You have an ED which you have worked to overcome. Now it seems like he has an ED which you are also working to overcome. No, he has to work on his own problems.

Honestly you need to be comfortable in your own home. And so does he but he is a lodger not a tenant. It may be that sharing accommodation just doesn't suit him. He either has some form of ED or he's trying to manipulate you and get you to change how you live. Whilst you can be kind, don't do it at the expense of yourself.

FirewomanSam · 23/11/2020 09:25

Think you already know YANBU by now but I can add that I had a flat mate like this once and it made me miserable. There were a couple of foods (very normal everyday foods that most people eat) that she couldn’t stand the smell of, which I sympathised with, but her reaction would be completely OTT and rude. She’d walk in while I was eating and say things like ‘oh my god, that smells vile, I’m going to throw up!’

I tried really hard to be considerate and would only cook those foods when she was out, would open the windows straight away to air out the kitchen, even took the rubbish straight outside to make sure there were no lingering smells, but she would still sometimes come home hours later and say ‘ewwww you’ve been eating that again haven’t you, I can smell it, it’s disgusting!’

Weirdly this flatmate was also quite fussy about good manners and a bit of a snob, so one day I politely sat down with her and told her all the measures I’d been taking to try to avoid bothering her with my food, and that I would continue to try to be as considerate as possible, but that I thought it was the height of rudeness to walk in and start shouting about wanting to vomit because of someone else’s carefully prepared dinner. She looked sheepish and never said anything again after that!